Just keep being strong. This is time when your WS NEEDS you to be tough, your marriage needs you to be tough. Keep focused, your wife has been in an addiction - a "high" with OM -- not reality but a high. Stay grounded, keep posting here.
What I told my WS when he was waffling, "I want it all! I good marriage, a good family, not some fake marriage. You go with me to MC and commit to me or I don't want you."
This was too much for him, I guess!
He later came to some appointments with the kids and I, and I really think we might have been able to work it out, but my atty was pressing me to get WS served.
Also, is she/ you in IC or MC? It really helps to bring a WS to reality when sitting in a quiet room and the counselor is good. There is a reason why your W does these things. She needs to get to the root of the issues, not just stop having EA's with people.
Keep posting here!
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Strongbeard, to me that is a big Red Flag. She could have invited you and still gone. But if she could not go alone she cancelled..
Yes, the trip is cancelled. It is not as big of a red flag for me, as it was planned long before the EA started, and it was always supposed to be a solo trip for her to have some time. I am not, however, letting my guard down based on this.
tryingsodanghard: I made the speech yesterday, and I intend to continue with 180 practices, showing that I am moving forward and leaving the choice to her whether it is with her or by myself.
We are not in I or MC. After the initial DDay, we got down to the root of the issues - both the trigger of the EA and what led up to it which prevented her from coming to me rather than looking outside. These are the things we were working on in the false R path which looked to be going well until 2nd DDay. I still plan to work on the things which were my part of the issues leading up, regardless, as it will make me a better person.
Today, she is definitely cold and angry. I know she is angry with herself, and I suspect she is angry at me, too (which is mostly irrational - I had every right to be snooping at this point). It's definitely harder to 180 when you see the person you love in obvious pain, but that is part of the protocol. I am confident I can do it, hard as it may be.
February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R
Being a techie has its obvious advantages. You are much more in tune with what you need to do than a lot on here
Its good she is mad at you and that she knows you do not care because you had every right to snoop.
She lost her right to privacy or secrecy by her own actions.
Hope all continues to go well. You have your shit together I believe
The trip was cancelled until about Thursday. Then, she changed her mind and said we could go. Given the destination (hot springs!), it could have been a much better trip. She was a bit angry at first, but we had some time to talk some things out at least. Unfortunately, the other goal of the trip (getting away from the house to catch up on some work) didn't pan out due to a dead laptop battery. C'est la vie.
All in all, though, everything looks to be on the right path. OM did not attempt to contact her, so I'm slightly encouraged by that, at least, since he had no way of knowing that the plans had changed.
Another: you say she's paranoid re tech stuff? Why, if she isn't continuing to hide things?
If I were in your shoes there'd be a hidden VAR in her car.
You know the advice that you should be watching her actions, not listening to her words. Follow it. I know it's hard to do when you so want to believe her.
being a techie that you are gives you a definite advantage as long as you don't go to sleep at the switch.
I see red flags here too but you are better prepared not to get blindsided again than most.
"When I tell you I need you. Do not take it lightly. I try very hard to be independent to not show weakness. But when I fall I trust you to catch me
Something is off I think with your wife..
[This message edited by ReeseR1 at 7:32 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)]