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Gaslighting and NC

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homewrecked2011 posted 7/9/2014 12:47 PM

Strong Beard:

Just keep being strong. This is time when your WS NEEDS you to be tough, your marriage needs you to be tough. Keep focused, your wife has been in an addiction - a "high" with OM -- not reality but a high. Stay grounded, keep posting here.

What I told my WS when he was waffling, "I want it all! I good marriage, a good family, not some fake marriage. You go with me to MC and commit to me or I don't want you."

This was too much for him, I guess!
He later came to some appointments with the kids and I, and I really think we might have been able to work it out, but my atty was pressing me to get WS served.

Also, is she/ you in IC or MC? It really helps to bring a WS to reality when sitting in a quiet room and the counselor is good. There is a reason why your W does these things. She needs to get to the root of the issues, not just stop having EA's with people.

Keep posting here!

tryingsodanghard posted 7/9/2014 13:11 PM

You have to understand, she is addicted to the illicit nature of the affair. Not making excuses, she owns her shit, but the complete attention from this douche bag, completely unfiltered by laundry and crying children and paying the mortgage, is a strong drug. Make the speech. Point out the door. And then shut up for a bit. Get in the car with her for the trip. She's lying to you dude, and it gets easier to lie to you every time she does it.

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 13:19 PM

I think Strong beard said she cancelled the trip.

Strongbeard, to me that is a big Red Flag. She could have invited you and still gone. But if she could not go alone she cancelled..

Not good.

StrongBeard posted 7/9/2014 14:18 PM

Badhurt: I *am* a techie, and she is smart. Undetected tracking gets harder over time, as there is plenty of paranoia on her part and plenty of technology available to enable As. Hopefully I won't have to resort to more insidious tactics, but only time will tell.

Yes, the trip is cancelled. It is not as big of a red flag for me, as it was planned long before the EA started, and it was always supposed to be a solo trip for her to have some time. I am not, however, letting my guard down based on this.

tryingsodanghard: I made the speech yesterday, and I intend to continue with 180 practices, showing that I am moving forward and leaving the choice to her whether it is with her or by myself.

We are not in I or MC. After the initial DDay, we got down to the root of the issues - both the trigger of the EA and what led up to it which prevented her from coming to me rather than looking outside. These are the things we were working on in the false R path which looked to be going well until 2nd DDay. I still plan to work on the things which were my part of the issues leading up, regardless, as it will make me a better person.

Today, she is definitely cold and angry. I know she is angry with herself, and I suspect she is angry at me, too (which is mostly irrational - I had every right to be snooping at this point). It's definitely harder to 180 when you see the person you love in obvious pain, but that is part of the protocol. I am confident I can do it, hard as it may be.

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 14:28 PM

Strong Beard

Being a techie has its obvious advantages. You are much more in tune with what you need to do than a lot on here

Its good she is mad at you and that she knows you do not care because you had every right to snoop.
She lost her right to privacy or secrecy by her own actions.

Hope all continues to go well. You have your shit together I believe

StrongBeard posted 7/14/2014 10:54 AM

Just to update:

The trip was cancelled until about Thursday. Then, she changed her mind and said we could go. Given the destination (hot springs!), it could have been a much better trip. She was a bit angry at first, but we had some time to talk some things out at least. Unfortunately, the other goal of the trip (getting away from the house to catch up on some work) didn't pan out due to a dead laptop battery. C'est la vie.

All in all, though, everything looks to be on the right path. OM did not attempt to contact her, so I'm slightly encouraged by that, at least, since he had no way of knowing that the plans had changed.

veronique12 posted 7/14/2014 11:10 AM

Strongbeard, I'm glad you feel that things seem headed in the right direction, but I would caution you to remain vigilant. There are some things here that smell a bit off. Firstly, she is angry at you for snooping? That is a Giant Red Flag. She's trying to make you feel guilty for uncovering that she has been in constant direct covert contact with OM? Gaslighting 101.

Another: you say she's paranoid re tech stuff? Why, if she isn't continuing to hide things?

If I were in your shoes there'd be a hidden VAR in her car.

You know the advice that you should be watching her actions, not listening to her words. Follow it. I know it's hard to do when you so want to believe her.

StrongBeard posted 7/23/2014 12:39 PM

veronique: I am definitely remaining vigilant and will for some time. re: tech, I meant that she was when the A was (visibly) ongoing. So she would still be - which is why I'm still watching carefully and taking everything she says with a block or two of salt.

Badhurt posted 7/23/2014 15:05 PM

Strong Beard,

being a techie that you are gives you a definite advantage as long as you don't go to sleep at the switch.

I see red flags here too but you are better prepared not to get blindsided again than most.

Good luck

FixYou71 posted 7/23/2014 17:43 PM

Strongbeard, what requirements have you given her other than stopping her A and NC?

tryingsodanghard posted 11/25/2014 11:36 AM

Strongbeard, how's it going? Hope you are still with us.

Chivalrous posted 11/25/2014 21:27 PM

It's great that you are a techie, but as you said she is paranoid and she catches on. What makes me scratch my head is that if she is really trying to R with you she should be transparent as possible.

ReeseR1 posted 11/25/2014 22:51 PM

I haven't read all the responses but for my "SA"WS an app called life360 had to be put on phone -- a tracker he knows about. Deal breaker if he complained about that.

Something is off I think with your wife..

[This message edited by ReeseR1 at 7:32 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)]

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