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User Topic: my ws solution to 180
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering if anyone else has this going on. I'm trying to stick to the 180 and it really gets easier each day. It's really helped me to detach and not focus on him so much. He's not used to it, he looks kind of lost. He hates to be alone, hates to be ignored, looks a little bewildered. So when he asks me to go somewhere with him, I politely decline. When there have been social events, he rarely wanted to go so I would stay home with him. Now I go alone and don't ask him anymore to go with me. I don't have a very busy social calendar but occasionally there's something going on. We used to watch our favorite tv shows at night together but now he's in one room and I'm in the other. So I noticed that now he's using our DD to hang out with. That's cool, she loves her dad and enjoys time with him. However I almost feel like he's trying to make me "jealous" for lack of a better word. I don't mean in a weird incestuous way at all, I mean like he will ask her in front of me if she wants to go with him to the hardware store or something. The other day they went to get a part for the car then went to lunch. She's adult age and I think she feels kind of sorry for him, she knows we will D next year. I think the part that bothers me is, this is so typical of him with the kids. He makes them feel guilty and sorry for him. She text me from the car after they left and said, sorry mom, did you want to go with dad? I guess he picks her because our other DD still has unresolved anger over ow from a few years back when he was basically using DD to get time with ow..kids were on the same team and he would have DD go play with her friends while he chatted up ow.
I guess I'm just curious if anyone else has dealt with this.
He's never apologized it talked to the kids about A and it kind of pisses me off that he wants them to think I'm being mean or cold to him. I knew he was going to pull this shit, I knew it.
Puppy dog eyes in front of them every time I decline any of his offers to do something together.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5066 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ostrich80:

I don't have any real advice, since I just reread The 180 myself. But my situation is similar.

I go to events alone - because I have friends and WH does not. We have gone to a few community events together.

Every evening, he watches TV in another room. I am upstairs reading. We are in an informal in-house separation (separate bedrooms) since Dday 2, with our college DS home for the summer.

Doesn't sound like the road to R, does it? But we are both in IC, waiting for MC.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Nov 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep at it Ostrich80. What you are seeing is what he will continue to do once the D is final. Keep detaching and focusing on you. Be as open and honest with your kids as you can. Since he can't get ego kibbles directly from you anymore he is going to manipulate your children or try to manipulate you through the children. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about it and if you do get pissed and say something then he got what he wanted. Just keep counting down the days knowing this will be over at some point.

ETA: Remember the 180 isn't about him so continue to ignore him. It gets easier once they are out of the house but the fact that this still irritates you is a sign that you still have some detaching to do. You are on the right path through since you see it for what it is.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:51 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have, but not with my wife. With my mother. It's like they try and play the victim card because they are angry that they can't get their way with you. My mother used to do this until I went NC with her. It's a "fine" statement. As in... "If you are going to reject me, well then fine! I'm going to reject you any way that I can." Playing the victim card to it's fullest. It's teenager bullshit mentality. He has no other coping mechanism so this is what he's going to do.

Don't let him hoover you back and keep up the 180. Sounds like you are doing well with it and getting yourself stronger. Good for you!!


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
ChinaCat
♀ Member
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you SO SO much for posting this topic.

I still have a LOT of detaching to do.

I realized after all that I am letting him in. Darn! So I do have a long way to go.

I will be much more unavailable and not engage him at all anymore.

Maybe I will make a list of things to do when he is home and I am too. If I have a plan of activities, then I will be far busier and less likely to engage him.

I still cook for him.

I have trouble with that.

Do any of you cook for your WS?

I am not sure what to do on that one.

Thanks!


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still have kids at home so I do cook dinner. If the kids are out and about, I do not. I did use to make him a really nice lunch everyday, I stopped that. He still pouts over that one.
Thanks you guys, your the best!!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5066 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally didn't have this however my H was the kid in this mix.
His mom left his dad after we were married. She stayed "for the kids". As soon as both boys were out of the house she was gone.
Of course his dad played the victim and we really did a lot with/for him initially. He was so sad and pitiful just felt like we needed to support him. After all his wife just walked out on him. She of course took the high road didn't involve the kids and certainly didn't tell them the bullshit she put up with from him for 25 years.
It took about 6 months for us to get a clearer picture of who did what and why. I to this day feel awful about how I treated my MIL in those early days. She is the kindest, sweetest, and most giving person I've ever known other than my Grandma. She actually was one of my biggest cheerleaders and supports immediately after dday.
The point is you have raised those kids right they get it and if they don't now they will soon. It's just another attempt to manipulate and control. It pissed me off when I realized what it was. We still have a relationship with him and his new wife, but it's a holidays and birthdays kind.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
KatyaCA
♀ Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is firing you as his wife, stop being his wife. That means, don't cook for him, run his errands, do his laundry etc. Teach him now what his choices mean. Leaving you and not facing what he's done means no you to take care of anything for him anymore.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen him do this so many times and.I find it so chicken shit. I actually used the var in his truck and my ds was saying please don't listen to it mom. Well I did, he shredded my ass for 30 straight minutes to my ds, with him saying repeatedly, dad stop. Hes in his early 20's. He likes to plant seeds about me, but the kids know the truth, its just rotten that he has to involve them. So he may fake nice to my face but not behind my back. I guess he thinks he can turn them against me. I think he's building a case against me so when we split, it will be my fault. Asking them how long I was gone to the store or saying I'm always on my phone, with a look like I'm up to something. I see him for the calculating snake he is.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5066 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 9

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