I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger
Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!
I got so cross.I thought nothing you will ever say again I will believe.
He thinks now he's telling the truth I should see it.
See that he's being truthful.
Der it doesn't work like that.
I also ask a question don't Like the answer and pick it apart.
Hubby finds it frustrating as he's telling the truth ie he didnt love her, but I'm not sure so I question and pick it apart.which he finds hard. He finds things hard to talk and explain it properly. he gets scared about saying the wrong thing.
Ie if something comes out I don't mean ill say sorry didnt mean that.
Hubby does it and I cannot accept he didn't mean it,so it gets difficult.
I get angry he gets upset because it cane out wrong or wasn't what I wanted to hear so I don't believe it.
We made a list of what we need/want from each other.
Hubbys was just for me to listen,and not question things because I want a different story.
Instead I say please can you explain it again because I don't understand.
It think it is just the way our brains process the trauma. It will get better. . .
I edit, therefore I am.
You've just come through a period in which your WSes have lied successfully to hurt you. It should take a long period of being truthful for any healthy person to start believing a person who has just deceived us.
I understand your WSes desperately want to be believed - its just not in the cards, because of their own eff-ups. Tell 'em that.
BTW, 'ILY' is difficult for a lot of us to say. I used to say it every day; now, the last time I said it was probably 3 months ago.
IMO, honesty is the single most important factor in R. If you don't feel it, don't say it. If your WS objects, tough - her betrayal stopped you from saying the word. Actions speak louder than words, anyway.
I know my wh is sorry.
I ask questions he replies,and bam if I don't get what I think should be the answer I pick and push until he too is a frazzled mess .
Does your wh have trouble expressing feelings? Talking?
Its just I understand ur post completely.
My wh wants and tries to answer but I interrogate so much I give myself a headache.
I never feel better,I don't like doing it but find it hats to stop.
When your WS gets upset because you are asking the same questions over and over or picking the answers apart, let them know that it is a good thing, because it means you are not leaving them, you are staying and trying to work through this. It is easier to leave (I've done both. Leaving was definitely easier.)
If you are willing to put in the hard work of trying to stay and work through this, the least they can do is calmly answer your questions, as many times as you need to ask them. They would not be going through this if they had been honest and faithful in the first place. Dealing with the neverending questions is a consequence of dishonesty. You aren't doing it to torture them, you are doing it to learn to trust again.
It is a slow and tedious process. It takes commitment. From both parties.
But each time is a choice and each time still gives me pause. I hope it is not always like that.
That's been my experience, so far.
Me: 38, professional, mom of 2 spectacular kids
Dday: June 7th, 2014 (the night before my birthday, brought on due to a threat from her husband to tell me all)
I have been thinking a lot about trust recently, and I think it comes down to the simple fact that there is a baseline of trust that we, as human beings, extend to other decent human beings when we meet. This level can fluctuate based on how we feel about the new person, but it's still there. When we are betrayed, the trust level dips below that initial line. When we are betrayed in such a fashion as an A, the trust level bottoms out.
Now, there is absolutely no trust and a long road ahead just to get back to "decent human baseline trust". And that is especially hard when the person in question is probably the person we used to trust more than anyone else.
There is a long road ahead to regaining trust and eventual R. But as long as you both understand the harm that has been done and are committed to repairing it, it is not a fool's errand.
February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R
If he says he's missing me when away on business, I need pictures of where he is and regular telephone calls in the middle of the night, so I know she is not there.
I also find that I can't handle surprises now, as it feels that every surprise I have had in my life has been a horrible surprise. He wants to give me surprises and treats, but I get panicky and scared, even when he wants to take me to a shop to gets anew dress for me that he has seen and though I would look good in. I now need to have everything planned, so that I stay in control, as my control was taken from me. Surprise are Lao close to lies, even the nice ones.
What I wouldn't give to have been as healthy as you are as early as you are into this trial of trials.
As I read your posts I see you doing so many healthy things....your words in this post further that feeling within me.
Fact is.....my wife, your husband used words and combined them with our trust to decieve and betray us. Their use of words concealed their actions. My wife sat in anxiety therapy with me while conducting her affair....words of support where offered, but actions crushed their value once I discovered her affair...and by doing so was able to piece together the root of my anxiety. Add to that their choices to lie and trickle truth AFTER discovery and the "crazy making" that did to us....and its little wonder why their words are so....empty.
I am struggling 2 years out....just recently was made more aware that it was actually my continued avoidance of pain that is contributing to my pain.
And this is why I am hopeful for you. You are facing so much pain so early into your journey. I know it sucks....but it is the only way through this. Your post.....man, do I wish I would have been where you were at starting this trial.
I look at my first year of posting and....well, just foolishness and ignorance. My wife played to my weakness's to continue to feed her selfish desires.....and I chose to allow it. I did because I chose NOT to face the pain you are courageously facing at 6 months that which I didn't really start to face until about 2 months ago. A 3rd DD 4 weeks ago has motivated me to....choose differently. Choose more like what you are able to do.
I have added you to my SI specific prayer list. May your journey be more fruitful early on than mine was.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:44 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]