None of this was your fault. You think that maybe you were not being a good enough wife and maybe there were some things that could have done better. But I bet he could have been a better husband too. There were issues in your marriage, but you didn't cheat now, did you? No. Furthermore, there are lots of betrayed folks on this site who had superstar marriages, and their partners cheated anyway.
The affairs are the result of a major character flaw in him, and has nothing to do with you.
“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40
"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup
I'm going to gently suggest that MC may be a little early. Have you talked to an IC? You've been so deeply hurt that you may want to give yourself some time to decide what YOU want rather then what he wants.
Please head to the Healing Library at the upper left hand side of the corner. And read. Read a lot.
No counseling but we dealt with it
(((Gently))) - your WH is a serial cheater. He cheats because there are no consequences when he does.
Removing her from the phone or FB are only tactics. They will not prevent future affairs.
Your WH needs to get into IC (individual counseling) to understand how and why he continues to betray you. Without understanding this, the behavior will most likely continue.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
1) Demand NC even if they see each other at work. If they don't work directly with one another there is no need to have any contact.
2) Friends of the affair or the "group" he hangs around with that knew about the hook up are NOT friends of the marriage. He lost his right to "hang out" because he has proven repeatedly that he CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
3) Ask yourself what makes this time different with his "I'm sorry" than the others?
His actions will speak louder than any words. Tread lightly and be aware.
I am sorry you are hurting. Please take care of you. You matter.
There is never an excuse to cheat. NEVER. He owes you more. He owes you honesty and truth.
Stand tall and post often.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:58 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]
And we didn't deal with the other affair head on. It was kind of swept under the rug and I did forgive and move on and to this day, it doesn't affect me. I have gotten past that and we have gotten better from it I believe. I just wonder if true reconciliation is possible after multiple affairs?
Any affair is extremely painful and confusing. Your feelings are normal and are NOT to be blamed for your WH's poor choices. He made the choice to cheat. No one pushed him into his affairs.
I apologize in advance if this seems harsh but you are taking all the "blame" and responsibility for HIS choices.
I started creating friction in our marriage because my self esteem is so bad. I am extremely insecure with myself.
You didn't CREATE friction. The friction was/is there because you have never dealt with the affairs. The betrayal of your husband. Of the hurt and uncertainty is has caused in your marriage.
Of course you are insecure because your WH continues to cheat and continues his pattern of behavior that is disrespectful and hurtful. It is normal to feel "what is wrong with me?...we all have. But this is NOT about you but about HIM choosing to cheat on you.
I did forgive and move on and to this day, it doesn't affect me. I have gotten past that and we have gotten better from it I believe.
Please see you comment above about being insecure. Of course, this affects you. How couldn't it? Your WH has chosen to cheat numerous times and this is okay?
Your feelings matter. But only you can bring them to light to make them matter.
And you state that you have gotten past the previous affairs and have gotten better from it how exactly? Your WH has chose to cheat again? That is not better. Not for you anyway.
Please don't settle for being an option. You know of 3 instances, what about the possible instances you aren't aware of?
Be strong for YOU. You can't fix your marriage alone. Your WH has to work on himself as well. Sorry doesn't quite cover this.