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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sorting through the mess
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-Day was May 25th. That is the D-day I finally knew the whole truth about the women. This was also just a couple weeks prior to our 30th wedding anniversary. I've posted a couple of comments on this site, but haven't posted my story until now. I guess that's because I wasn't really sure what I wanted/needed to say. Shortly after we were married, my husband told me about a summer with a much older woman. This was the year we were engaged and a year before our wedding. I was 19 and didn't handle that very well in hind site. 4 years into our marriage I found out I was expecting our first child while stationed over seas. I flew home before him and he had a one night stand prior to coming home with another service member. I found out about that after our son was born. Another not so good reaction but worked through it. 7 years ago found records of hundreds of calls to a woman. Long story, but honestly believed it was a friendship. NOT as I know now. Around the end of April, my husband came clean about a lot of his past including a LTA with the woman I previously believed to be a friend from appox. 2000-206 when I found the texts and confronted them, raised holy hell and then I was deployed to Afghanistan for a year just after it ended. In April after 6 hours of talking and making love, when he told me about the women of his past I asked if he was currently having an affair and he said no. Then May 25th he hadn't signed out of a hidden email account and I read messages no wife should ever read. She's a COW, about 300 pounds, has 3 teens+ of her own. I confronted my husband and called the police to have him removed from the home, kept his phone and took screenshots of the emails to send myself. First email stated with "Since she can't see this I feel like being naughty." Very explicit after that and burned into my head forever. I threatened her that she'd better call me and she actually did! I told her what I thought of her, their disgusting behavior, and how easily I was going to send those emails to their boss. She cried and asked if I wanted an appology (wtf is that going to do?!?!) and told me he said he was leaving me..... I prayed for two days, husband moved in with friends of ours and didn't go to "her". Broke contact except for what's absolutely necessary for work, which isn't too much. I let him move back in after the 2nd night apart with the caviat that I couldn't promise I could deal with anything but would try. That's when the floodgates started opening. My husband who had always been defensive in the past was suddenly full of remorse, willing to listen to everything and trying to share. Out came years of sexual abuse from the age of 6 by two separate male "family" members, a female neighbor, two 40 year old sisters from ND....and on and on to where he was druged and violently raped by a teacher from the school who'd invited him to his home for a beer just prior to our meeting. I've read through this site extensively. I see a lot of stories fairly similiar. Some work through with remorseful spouses, some spouses are still in the fog...I've cried several times a day since d-day. My husband continues to hold me and talk. He believes things are all finally in the open and that he trusts me enough to finally share himself and says the others were sick attempts to forget/manage his past and try to feel good but that each time he hated himself and had to make it my fault somehow to cope with what he was doing. He treated these women very badly mostly, so they weren't healthy relationships by any standard. It still feels as though he gave them a part of my soul. I know that sounds odd, but the thought of my husband being intimate with anyone in anyway makes me physically sick. Yesterday I read JBs story about thinking he was 3 years past the affair and the reconciliation was good but that he'd been betrayed all along again. I finally got the courage to go have STD tests done today. I was a 19 year old virgin when we met, and I've honestly prided myself that my husband was my only. I love him with my entire heart. I hurt for how badly he was hurt. I love how he talks to me and listens to me now...but I'm afraid I still may be beyond what I can accept. I'm trying, but I'm pretty emotional and not very easy to deal with. I'm being absolutely honest about my feelings and I'm not holding back (I'm a military officer...) I have so much pain I'm not sure where to go with it sometimes.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((BlueBlue))

Sending you strength, girl!

First call: Therapy for both of you. Later, if you chose, marriage counseling.

This sounds like too much of a situation to tackle on your own.

Others will be along with more advice....


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2013
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that sounds odd, but the thought of my husband being intimate with anyone in anyway makes me physically sick.

Blue Blue Eyes, no it is not odd, everytime I think of my wife with her OMs I feel like a shooting pain in my heart. When I first found out about her cheating 13 years ago, I vomited and was pounding my chest like some kind of animal trying to get the pain out of me.

You should feel sick, we all should feel sick even the OMs/OWs/WWs/WHs should feel sick, it is sick and disgusting behaivor and God hates it.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have added that a condition of my husband moving back in was immediate counselling and he's gone weekly. (Also many many side effects to Adderal...can't sleep, muscle aches, mental confusion and meds have been changed to a non-stimulant) I wrote 10 rules I also expected prior to moving back which are also being followed:

I know you have accused me of trying to change you. At this point I actually am. All of the below must happen. I can no longer live with less. God had Ten Commandments, these are my non negotiable conditions.

1. No lies even about the silliest little thing
2. You restore the respect of your children. This will not be easy but it's your responsibility not theirs. You will need to show them and their mother respect if you hope to gain theirs
3. I know all passwords
I check any history I feel necessary at any time
4. Our marriage issues and any problems you have with anything is only discussed with me. Women aren't your confidants. Boundaries.
5. I ask any questions any time I need and I get honest answers about any part of these situations.
6. You live in the home, if you open it you shut it, if you dirty it you clean it, if you take it out you put it away.
7. You show me love and respect you will not break anything or show any violence or raise your voice. Arguments are done reasonably and in private.
8. You created this mess. I will not fix it, you will. You will explain to your family and anyone else that you caused this and you are committed to fixing it. I won't make excuses for you.
9. This is never repeated in any way. Phone calls, emails and any inappropriate communication with other women will be cause for immediate divorce.
10. You will stay in therapy as long as the psychologist and I feel necessary.
If you agree to ALL of these I will evaluate our "marriage the end of November. If you do not agree you can move upstairs until bills are paid
and finances are in order and we will divorce.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While it is a very delicate topic, I'm very concerned about his claims of that much SA at the hands of that many offenders. He rattled off 6 different people who he claims abused him. To me that's a high number. Unless he was in some sort of abusive cult this does not sound like fact. And it is not past a WS to lie about things like this to garner sympathy and to get you to back off. Most SA victims are abused by a single individual and I have heard stories possibly 2. But 6 different abusers ? While I guess there is a slight possibility that this occurred, it sounds like he is telling another story here. One things that pisses me off to no end is children being abused. But a person who lies about being abused pisses me off even more.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5729 | Registered: Nov 2007
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger,
This is my description, not his. The first two men were much older sick relatives. The two women, he thought were fun. My opinion of 40 year old sisters having sex with an 18 year old boy is abuse. The teacher is fact. I agree it seems like a VERY high number (3 preditors)and women without boundaries. I believe this is fact, but really don't trust my feelings about anything. I can honestly say things are very different since he's revealed this. He is very embarassed, words things very carefully and then discloses some. I don't know....


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think Stronger makes a good point. The number of alleged abusers is pretty staggering. You would be wise to keep your radar up.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is agree with stronger.

The teacher is fact? Was she arrested?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he wasn't. My husband didn't tell anyone.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very concerned about his claims of that much SA at the hands of that many offenders.

Just wanted to say that my WH had multiple female offenders - and he is in serious denial that his CSA is affecting his life now - it isn't even on his radar.


Shortly after we were married, my husband told me about a summer with a much older woman. This was the year we were engaged and a year before our wedding. I was 19 and didn't handle that very well in hind site. 4 years into our marriage I found out I was expecting our first child while stationed over seas. I flew home before him and he had a one night stand prior to coming home with another service member. I found out about that after our son was born. Another not so good reaction but worked through it.

yeah - anything other than you throwing his shit on the front lawn is a lesser reaction than he deserved, so don't you dare say you acted inappropriately when you found out!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm being absolutely honest about my feelings and I'm not holding back (I'm a military officer...) I have so much pain I'm not sure where to go with it sometimes.

From an ex-Navy officer, I hear you and feel for you. Coming from that harsh world It's so hard for me to think of myself as someone who cries, but that's something I've done at least twice a week for the last six months. Nothing I experienced in the military or anything else in my life has been so painful. I wish there was a way to make it go away. I wish you the best.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 784 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the 10 rules you require him to agree to prior to moving back in are excellent. They are well thought out, thorough, clear & easy to understand, and reasonable.


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a couple of responses yesterday and had to stop. I felt like I was being questioned and not supported. Coming back this morning, I've re-read and there are a few new responses. Thank you to all of you. A clear head does wonders for interpretation. My post was a little unclear about a few things as I was just trying to put the story in writing before I lost the courage. I didn't know about any abuse until after my husband moved back in and started seeing a Psychiatrist. This all came out in therapy and we're dealing with it. Unfortunately, I'm positive it's true. I wish it was a fabrication for so many reasons. I think once you've been abused, it's easier for other predators to take advantage of a wounded child/teen. Thank you also to the other former officer. I agree it's tuff to talk about emotions and feelings when outwardly we aren't really encouraged to do that. I really need advise from others who've dealt with some of this as to how to approach things in a healthy and healing way and not accusing or judgmentally.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Sunnydaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 43756
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your 10 rules rock!!! I hope both you and your husband are in IC, he obviously needs to get help for his problems. I would encourage you to see someone as well to help you sort through the betrayal and your feelings. It is great your husband is sharing with you and showing remorse, however with what he has told you about the seemingly extensive abuse he suffered, he will continue to have issues until he works through his memories and the damage they have caused.

Regarding your feelings on the other posters and your thoughts about their questioning.....The posters on SI give you their advice and opinions based on their life experiences and their knowledge. They only have your best interest at heart. Sometimes their opinions/advice are tough to read because we BS's are in such a vulnerable emotional state. Please keep posting and reading.


Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2014
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sunny. My emotions are just all over the place. :(


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Cyottee
♀ New Member
Member # 35375
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to add my truth to those who doubt the multiple abusers.
I had 12 before age 10.
After the first one at age 6 it was as if I had a big sign on my forehead.
And yes I told but no one believed kids in those days or if they did they didn't want to bring shame and stuck their head in the sand. I am 61.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: MO
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coyote,
My husband said the same thing. I believe you and I believe him. I would really appreciate if you could offer me some insight on helpful, not hurtful, ways to approach discussions and topics. He's a Marine and his pride needs to be considered.
I'm dealing with two intertwined problems. It's hard to separate my hurt and anger and be mindful that he's really exposed his vulnerability to me. I'm just trying to be completely honest about my feelings but I'm still angry myself. During the day I feel bad for that child and at night when I'm tired I'm angry with the man.
I am taking care of myself. I am waiting on a std panel as well.
In your heart, do you think that the cheating will stop now that he's admitted to the real issue? He's definitely changed his treatment of me in a very positive way. Even when he's angry. I need you're honesty. I don't trust my feelings at all.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Cyottee
♀ New Member
Member # 35375
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I have always been very open and have talked about my abuse all my life I'm not sure how to tell you to approach him. Maybe just reassure him that it helps you to understand him more and anytime he wants to talk you are ready to listen.Also make sure he knows none of it was his fault and that this news doesn't make you think any less of him.

I think there is hope that he will stop cheating.
I did. Once a cheater always a cheater is not a true statement. Abuse messes up your boundaries and I didn't take cheating seriously for a long time.

I wish I had better answers BlueBlueEyes.
I haven't slept and may have more later!

Please don't blame yourself for whatever feelings you are having. You have the right to them.
I wish you peace and happiness.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: MO
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cyotee,
It really helps to read your posts because you are reflecting what he's told me. I have told him that I will never think less of him for things he's survived. He also told me the A's were sick and not loving. Just a need to try to feel good and in his head our marriage is a completely separate thing. He did try to make me the bad guy for years to justify his own bad choices but has always loved me. Said he always left feeling sick. He feels he used them since he doesn't have feelings for them and knows he mislead them. He swears that having finally shared the large things that there isn't a reason to hide or lie any more and that he wouldn't do that to himself ever again. (Or me).


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Cyottee
♀ New Member
Member # 35375
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remembering a revelation I made many years ago. I always did something to end my relationships ie cheated because I never felt I deserved the person I was with.
I suspect this may be part of what your husband was doing too.
Also when you have been used as a sex object it is sort of what you do. Like that is what is expected of you. Hope that makes sense.
And he is telling you the truth about how empty and sad you feel after the cheating has taken place and how it is separate.
I am so glad you have found me helpful.
Your husband is a very fortunate man to have you on his side and in his life.

[This message edited by Cyottee at 12:03 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: MO
Topic Posts: 37
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