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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sorting through the mess
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Helpful" is an understatement! Thank you. I was very naive to this sort of thing. I'm sadly surprised at how common this abuse actually is. What is wrong with people? I'm so thankful to see you post things he's told me as well. I have a long way to go, but you confirming things really slowed down the spinning feeling. I love this man very much and am obviously dealing with a lot here.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize if you felt you were being questioned or unsupported.

Sometimes we ask questions so we can better understand someone's situation, so we can give them the best support and advice possible.

Of course people can be abused by multiple people. Im one of them. My grandpa started molesting me when I was very young...my stepfather raped me at age 15. I was raped by 3 high school boys when I was 16. My first husband was abusive. Sounds like a lot of abuse. It was.

It's not that we don't believe your husband was abused. Of course it's possible that he was..and since you believe he was, then that is that. The question was asked because it is always suspect when upon finding out that your spouse of many, many years has cheated on you..they also drop a bomb that they were sexually abused as a child. Unfortunately, the reason we ask if you believe him is because there have been wayward spouses who lie about being abused. Because it causes their BS to become sympathetic,and suddenly it shifts from dealing with the betrayal the wayward has perpetrated to being ALL about the WS, again. It's manipulative.

Again, Im so sorry if you felt unsupported. We are just trying to get an understanding as to what is going on. Cheaters lie..and sometimes they lie about this. But, again, if you believe him, then we are here to support you. And him, should he choose to become a member.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7915 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Cyottee
♀ New Member
Member # 35375
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are so welcome BlueEyes !
There is nothing better than knowing some good can come from the devastation.
Feel free to ask me anything else you may question concerning this subject.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: MO
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused,
Trust me I appreciate the candor here and I don't trust my feelings. I hope no one else took my comment badly. My point was that I started getting defensive and needed to step back and come back fresh. It strained me a lot to out this all out there. To be crystal clear, I appreciate ALL of the comments since I really appreciate objective viewpoints. I didn't realize that a man would make these comments for attention. It really embarrasses my husband and we've talked pretty in depth about it now. I also truly appreciated Cyotee for the reason that she opened up about something painful for her in order to help me. I need as much insight as I can get. Anyone who thinks that this gets a wS off the hook, I'm afraid it doesn't with me. It does give me a reason to tread more carefully in my words since I don't want to cause additional damage. That still doesn't give him a by.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blue--first of all hugs! Secondly, respect! Your 10 rules are excellent.

I would echo the others that suggest that you should also be seeing a therapist to get support for yourself. Although he was the one who has created the mess, the reality is that you are the one who has to live with it and you will need some extra and professional support to get through this.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National

Posts: 273 | Registered: May 2014
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm seriously in a bad place today. I think I'm self destructing. It doesn't seem to matter what he does or says, I can't stop the mental pictures and it's killing me. So many years of lies and deceit I'm not sure if I will ever believe anything. How can you love someone and hate them at the same time? I would never have chosen this mess and I'm so hurt and angry!!!


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't self destructing; you are just experiencing all the emotions that come with betrayal from a WS. It hurts more than anything any of us could ever have imagined. Sadly, BBE, you can't go around it; you have to wade through it to reach the other side, the other side being what YOU choose for the rest of your life. M or D. Fortunately, you don't have to make that decision today or tomorrow or even any time soon. Infidelity, particularly after so many years of M, is hard to digest. Give yourself time to 'digest' your feelings before you determine where you want to go with what you know. The mind movies are horrible. When they start, FORCE YOURSELF to think of something else…. DO something that will take your mind elsewhere. I would literally shake when they started; my IC suggested drinking a tall glass of water, gulp it down, to stop the thoughts in my head. It often worked ! Sometimes it took 3 glasses but it worked.

How can you love him and hate him at the same time ? Trying to erase 30 years of M is impossible. Those 30 years comprise the larger portion of your life. My xh may have been a wolf in sheep's clothing but I WAS REAL. My portion of our 35 year M was REAL. I'm sure you feel the same about yourself and your contribution and participation in your M. You can't help your WS at this point; he has to help himself. But you can and need to help yourself. I haven't seen a post from you indicating you're in counseling. Find an IC who has experience dealing with infidelity and get yourself there. And know you will survive this. (((((BlueBlueEyes)))))



BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life,
Thank you. You're correct in everything. I do need to get into IC. I've drug my feet because it's hard to know where to start with this mess. I get the std results tomorrow. I think sobconsciencly I've been waiting to know that answer so I'm dealing with all issues and not just a portion when I do start. This is definately not something I ever expected.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you God!!! STD panel came back and no issues. Never thought I'd ever have to sweat that one but seriously happy about that! ...breathing!!...


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no experience with childhood sex abuse. I do know something about the trauma experienced by spouses who have been betrayed repeatedly. You need to take care of yourself. You'll have many days where you are feeling as you did on Monday. And worse. Please reach out here and IRL. We get it. But you need someone in your life to help you deal with this on a day to day basis.

Your compassion for your WH is commendable. But don't lose yourself in the process of his recovery.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy was Monday not the first bad day or meltdown I've had! They're pretty much daily. At least now it isn't SEVERAL times daily. Yesterday was probably the worst. Wh is definitely remorseful but is now getting to the point where he's tired of talking about it. Well... I'm not. I told him that isn't a choice he ever gets to make. Bad day. Last night and today have been good again. He really is trying really hard to correct apt of previous wrongs. He's trying to support me. It's time I get into IC. At this point I'm a part of the problem. 180 isn't such a great tool when you throw in SA to this level. It definitely is not the time to pull back emotionally when my wh has put his neck out and become vulnerable to me. I was also pretty ugly about having to go in for std results when I would never have risked my own body. He said he's sorry but he didn't care about himself or anyone else. Maybe I should be more understanding of how bad he was feeling one and abused but all I could think of was how angry he would take that risk for me. I'm trying but there aren't too many here with such complicated crap.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
TimeToGo2014
♀ Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hugs)) I think an IC can definitely help you sort out your feelings of confusion and help you redirect your energy into truly coming to grips with what has happened, and how to move forward. It's got to feel overwhelming trying to sort out his past trauma, current events, and your own feelings.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jun 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, as another poster said, don't lose yourself in the process of your WH's recovery..Some of the goals for his and your healing are gonna be separate..
Your WH is gonna have to suck it up in regards to how long this process is going to take..
Your marriage isn't going to be that great for the next couple of years or so as both of you learn things about yourselves, each other and heal..And the healing may ultimately be done at the loss of the marriage..
He has no right to take anything you give him for granted, no right to show that he is getting tired of talking about it..Maybe it will help you both if the talking can be done at a certain time of the day or week, so you both can anticipate the talks and be emotionally and physically prepared for the them, i.e. a quiet room, nobody being hungry, tired or drunk, sick, etc ..With that said, a remorseful WH should be able to touch your heart in some way by showing that he isn't tired of your meltdowns or expressions of anger..He has to learn how to deal with them without expecting you to coddle him...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:46 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1349 | Registered: Nov 2011
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You two have also nailed it. I do feel overwhelmed with the whole of it. My husband knows he has a lot of work to do. I honestly believe he's trying the best he can to help me. I've told him that he can't heal the two of us until he heals himself. His therapy is helping. He's done a lot of thinking and reasoning as a 50 year old about the things that happened as a child. He's now seeing it from the perspective of an adult and not the child. I am considering myself very lucky in the fact that I found this site. Completely by accident trying to find something I could read to give me some insight! There are great people here who aren't afraid to call it as they see it. Took me a bit to get used to that (usually I'M the blunt one! haha) but I love honesty!


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day 1 happened to me about 29 years ago..Back then there was no internet that I could jump on to to easily do research..I didn't obtain counseling either..My parents were of the ilk that if there is infidelity in the picture of a marriage than something must be wrong with the marriage...So I blamed myself..My baby was new...I was still on maternity leave when D -day happened....I blamed myself for the preoccupation I had with my pregnancy..
Had I had this site back then, the course of my life would have been changed big time...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:22 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1349 | Registered: Nov 2011
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ug! One thing I CANNOT say about my husband is that he was a bad or disconnected dad. He's really the best. I had to fight him to get to our babies. Now I have to fight him to get to our grandsons! I love it!


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so ready for the roller coaster to stop! Just went home for a wedding and more drama with another family member. I feel surrounded. Now husband wants to rug sweep because we talked about everything. I took off my wedding ring today. I think I need to send the message that I am not over anything. For myself too.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 37
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