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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: can't accept it
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what my BH said this weekend, he's trying to accept it but he can't accept, He thinks he loves me, this all while we are laying on the bed in a spoon position. And after a trigger week caused by my insensitive fb book. We both know it was a nothing post but we both know now it was a insensitive trigger post.
In other words if I hadn't cheated, it would not have even been a thought.

However this caused a trigger, and he is working down south on this new business venture, staying in the house we rent for the business with the forman, whose GF just got cheating on him. So my BH is also listening day in and day out and reliving morning noon and night.

He also came home and said we are different than them, we are different people.

During this time we were laying together, I listened and felt his pain, his frustration, he is frustrated with himself for not being able to control his thoughts, the dwelling, he is angry, so angry, and he is starting to see that how he is used to dealing with people is to throw them away, so to walk away, and he doesn't think twice. He doesn't deal with what they did he just throws them away, and he is unable to do that with me. Itis an internal conflict that he doesn't know what to do and he takes it out on those around him, and at work , everywhere.

AS a BH, are you able to hear from your WW, ideas, or thoughts, or suggestions. I hear so much from him that I know many of you have talked about and I know my IC has talked about to me. And ideas that you have tried and have worked or not worked.

Were you able to accept that from your WW, or did it irritate you more.

My voice irritates him when he has dark days.

He still says what is IC going to do for me, I mentioned it this weekend again, this time I didn't get a no just a, what do you think they can do that I haven't already tried.
What do I answer to that.

He wants this marriage, I can see that in his words his actions, we both screw up, we are working hard.

Do you ever want to hear what your WW has learnt about herself, are you curious , would it help, or would hear it as a justification and a excuse? WE don't talk about what I am learning, in fact he doesn't want to talk about what happened.

I know a lot of this I can't do anything about , he needs to heal himself, and he said he realizes the ball is in his court, and that I am trying my hardest.

He is not willing to verify or check anything I do, he has only once ever looked at my phone and that was back at the very beginning, he has been given all my passwords. He just says he doesn't want to live his life as a jealous husband. As BH how can your rebuild your trust if you don't check?

I guess that might be me projecting, since it would be what I would do.

What I am hoping for is a little insight , is there anything I can do to help support my BH more. I do realize that the struggle for him is ultimately now, can he learn to accept what I have done and enjoy life with what I have given us or move on. I think this is where he is at. He has said if he really thought I was still cheating or will cheat he would not be laying beside me. ANd he does see us being happy. It the fight within himself, which I am afraid I can do nothing to help. :-( and either way I think he will always feel he has a lose lose choice. Which depending on your outlook on life is true.

Sorry for the length, I needed to talk



BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is not willing to verify or check anything I do, he has only once ever looked at my phone and that was back at the very beginning, he has been given all my passwords. He just says he doesn't want to live his life as a jealous husband. As BH how can your rebuild your trust if you don't check?

this is my BH.

I, however, am different and needed to check.
You see, people do this recovery thing differently. I want to talk, He does not. He wants to have good, positive times. He goes to IC and doesn't say much about it. I go to IC and sometime have a 10 minute dialog about what we talked about. I am a reader, he is not.

It's just different. And that doesn't mean bad.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my WW would come to me with ideas and suggestions, more proactivity in general for A topics. She is starting to do some work on general M issues. If not for the A I'd say she's being the perfect wife, but with the A it irks me that I still always seem to be the one that has to make the suggestions about how we work through this. It's changing, but oh so slowly...

Do you ever want to hear what your WW has learnt about herself, are you curious , would it help, or would hear it as a justification and a excuse?

I've heard way too many justifications. I'd like to hear more about how she's different as a person and what she's learned about herself after the A and how she's working on changing (not just assertions that she has changed). I feel like I've been very open about my flaws and weaknesses, and I'm willing to deep within myself and share anything I find, but she just can't seem to go there.

Joanh, Just from your post here I feel like I know more about your feelings about your A than I do about my own WW's feelings about hers. I wish that wasn't the case.

[This message edited by mhca at 4:58 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 770 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Regainingsanity
♀ New Member
Member # 43558
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Joanh,

I can only tell you to be patient and to have compassion. Keep going don't give up. I myself am a BW and currently unconditionally loving my husband who wants a divorce while recovering from a recent DDay. This is the second one for me, but what I can tell you from my personal experience is that if you show remorse and if you show that you are willing to try and regain his trust then you're doing everything you can do. I recommend buying your husband a male version of every heart restored. That worked wonderfully for me. For you I recommend trying out The Love Dare, that will certainly get his attention. You need to show him this is important to you and that you will give it your 100% percent. Be considerate and know that triggers are real and it they will slowly diminish if you act in a compassionate way when these triggers happen. Peacemaker is a wonderful read dealing with conflicts, and if your constantly in conflicts I suggest you read this. If your husband loves you and you show him you dedication and expressions of remorse and gratitude for this second chance I see this current obstacle as a way of uniting you two stronger than ever before.I am not sure what your beliefs are but seeking God can give you great understanding on what it is he is going through and forgiveness on his side. I will pray for you and your husband. Forgiveness is possible, even when it seems unattainable. Everything is possible through God.

Me: 26
Him: 30
Married: 4 years ( 5 together)
2 daughters, 2 and 4 yrs, 6 yr old stepson
DDay: Sep 04 2012
6 month PA and EA with OW
Dday #2: June 06 2014
1 month PA and EA with COW
Haven't decided on outcome.

[This message edited by Regainingsanity at 5:07 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: 26
Him: 30
Married: 4 years (together 5)
DD 4 yrs DD 2 yrs DstepS 6 yrs
DDay: September 4 2012
6 month EA/PA with OW
Dday #2: june 6 2014 with older than him COW
hoping for R but D is staring me down

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 4

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