We have two children and I want to stay married, but I can't help but think she is still cheating. The alleged guy worked in her huge office building but not with the compliant she works for.
She started acting like her old self again (good wife and mother) however, on the few occasions we have sex, it's mostly on a weekend, in the morning (when it'll be over faster), and she just lays there. Doesn't even try to have an orgasm. She barely even touches me. Awkwardly tries to figure out where to put her hands.
We're in couples counseling, but not dealing with my issues and the affair. Mostly "moving forward".
If our sex life wasn't such a joke, I wouldn't still be as suspicious, and still hurting.
At this point I don't know what to do.
I don't want a divorce, for many reasons which I'll write later.
I just want this pain to stop.
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:14 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]
I don't think your wife wants a divorce and that is why she is pacifying you at this point, but the sex says a lot. She does not seem interested in you and that points to her mind at least being elsewhere.
You need to be in MC and dealing with the affair. Until that is dealt with, you can not move forward.
You sound miserable and it doesn't sound like she is in the game. Has she given you all of her internet passwords, email, cell phone, etc.
Infidelity is a betrayal and it takes a lot of time and a lot of work to heal from it. She would probably just like to forget about it. There are lots of articles in the healing library that can help you and there are a lot of good books. So sorry. The pain is really unbearable, I know.
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 1:15 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]
I'd also suggest you reconsider the employment status here. Its apparent she has abused your gift to her in allowing her to work while you stay home. I would at the very least test the waters of finding a job. She can not be trusted right now. Her reluctance to be honest is another indicator she has no remorse at this time. She needs to tell you exactly who the OM is and what she plans on doing about him. Given her current mental status and the fact she still is at the very least emotionally attached to the AP. I don't think R is possible right now. Its best you prepare yourself for D. That does not mean you have to D her right now. But positioning yourself in that direction is a smart move. I understand your hurting, but protecting yourself and your kids is a priority right now. You cant force her to change. You cant nice her back into the M. She needs to take those steps on her own. And so far she has not. I wish you luck brother.
I'm still new, but have some thoughts:
1 - your wife's A is NOT YOUR FAULT. I can see that you're down on yourself. Understand this: you did nothing to deserve this. Your wife has issues she needs to fix. I have a job. I am fortunate enough to make enough to support my wife (she's a SAHM). She cheated on me with multiple men. She had a LTA.
While you haven't said this outright I want to make sure that you are not blaming yourself or your stay-at-home status for your wife's infidelity.
The A is about the fucked up choices she made. The A is 100% on her.
Repeat out loud if you need to (frequently until you believe it and anytime you are down): THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I DIDNT DESERVE THIS. I DESERVE BETTER.
2 - You say that, other than the awkward sx, your wife is doing everything right.
With all due respect, that's BS. She is not giving you full transparency. That is necessary to rebuild trust.
You deserve to feel safe in your relationship. Your wife does not deserve privacy. She gave up that right when she decided to fck another man.
3 - Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating right and sleeping. And drinking lots of water. If you're recovering from surgery this is crucial.
4 - See a lawyer for a free consult re: what you could expect the outcome to be if you divorce. Knowledge is power. Fear is crippling. Empower yourself brother.
5 - Keep posting and reading. I don't post a lot on here about my own sitch, but I read and then read some more and then continue reading even more.
Without the wisdom of this community I would be toast.
Others will come along and give you good advice on how to deal with your W (who seems to be, at best, mourning the loss of her A and perhaps still continuing the A).
Hang in there dude. It's going to be a long journey. Maybe your M will survive, maybe it wont. Either way, you'll come out of this a strong and better man (as will I).
Turn the energy of that desire into "the desire to be a whole, strong, respected man".
You cannot demand respect.
You command it.
How you begin is by respecting yourself.
STOP having sex.
It's a common thought - having a revenge affair - do not. It will hurt you. BADLY.
If bringing up *your truth* (asking for passwords for instance) will end up in a fight as you say - you need to realize you're being manipulated.
She's using your fear to get you to *stuff it*.
It won't work.
You know that we menz automatically respond, as if we're hardwired (pun intended!) - to physical beauty...you know, we're *visual*?
In like manner, have you ever wondered what wimmenz are wired to respond to?
I'll tell you.
Not *pleasing them*.
Not *nice-guying* them back into the relationship.
Go grab your ass-kicking boots, they're over there, laying all dusty in the back of the closet.
Lace them on with cold determination and
walk THE fuck away
from her cake-eating
Stand up for yourself.
A faithful man.
Emotional abuse and manipulation?
It stops when you say it stops.
MC (marriage counseling) with an unremorseful spouse is like pissin on a fire - you're gonna get burned.
Do this instead:
Do it for you, your healing. To get strong. Not to get her to do this-or-that - it is not a manipulative tool - it is only for you to get centered, healing, and strong.
Grab them damn boots.
Currently she does not love or respect you and is emotionally involved with another man. You are having sex with her knowing she's probably fresh from her lovers bed; your semen detection kit shows you she's also having unprotected sex; exposing you to potential STD's and her possible pregnancy.
You need to end her employment with her work place. Two ways you can do it; get a full-time job yourself and present your wife with a fait accompli; she now has to end her job to stay home with the kids.
Tell HR at her workplace and get her fired for having sex during the workday - worth a try.
I understand you do not wish to divorce then you have two options.
1] Accept her infidelity and sleep separately from your WW until the kids are in their late teens and you can end the marriage. Remember your wife will be getting her sex, affection and emotional validation from her affairs.
2] After your wife has left her employment try and talk things over with a third party, [I presume you cannot afford MC] and analyze your marriage and what you can do to put it right. To regain WW's respect and your value in the relationship you are going to need to be tough and strong; draw firm boundaries and be prepared to handle her animosity and anger. You need to be the decision maker from now on, or she will never see you as a husband she can look up to and feel cared by.
Use SI resources to help you make the right decisions. Keep posting and you have a chance of receiving good advice that will enable you to possibly save your marriage.
Sorry you are here deceivedguy but welcome to SI. I would agree that your WW is still actively involved in the affair right in front of you. I don't know if you have seen these posts yet, but please read if you have not:
Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:
And more 180 info under the target thread here:
I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:
Great Posts for Newbies to Read
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
Before You Say Reconcile...
This is because your wife is still actively involved in her A.
For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with her:
Also, if she's serious about R, which there's no way she is at the moment, some people have printed these out and handed to their WSs.
How much does my BS hurt? ...
Things that every WS needs to know
Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post
There's a lot to read there, but there's a lot of useful information in there that you can use now!! Don't wait. The longer this drags out the worse it will be for you and your family. She needs to get out of that job as well or the A is just going to continue on.
Very sorry you are hurting so badly. Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.
When I mentioned in couples therapy, she is not participating in sex, she became defensive and said it was because I lost lot of weight and she needs to get used to it
Is couples therapy like MC in this case, if so, what does your MC say about your wife having an affair. Why does the MC even see you while she is having an affair.
It does sound like the affair continues, since there have been no consequences, why shouldn't her affair continue.
Where did she and this OM meet for their affair? If you want to know, you should consider getting a VAR and a gps tracker for her car.
Has your wife sent this OM a No Contact that you have seen?
Do you even know who the OM is? If your wife wont even tell you who she had an affair with, then she has no clue as to what is going on.
Can you start working again, right away. If so, you might consider telling your wife she is to quit her job and you are going back to work.
Your wife should quit her job anyway, considering the affair was with a coworker.
At this time, there has been NO consequences for your wife and she is merrily going on about her life.
Do the 180 and sorry about your birthday at this time, but affairs wait for nothing. Something is always coming up, birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, etc.
Is the OM married that you know of?
You need to start being proactive in this terrible situation instead of reactive. Because being reactive makes you constantly feel like you are out of control and a nobody in the relationship.
Take back control and become proactive.
Talk to a lawyer immediately and find out about all of your rights and what you should be doing at this time.
Your wife is in the fog of an affair and this will get worse until the ends the affair.
If you want to stay married, then your goal is to get the affair ended in any way you can. And become proactive by seeing a lawyer, finding out who the OM is and your wife starts seeing consequences for her actions.
I 100% believe that a BS is not to blame at all for their WS A. However, once they become aware, they can accumulate blame for not doing what they can to stop it.
Take back control and become proactive.
Talk to a lawyer immediately and find out about all of your rights and what you should be doing at this time.
Serving your wife D papers may just clear the fog pretty quickly. She works...you don't. Her life is going to get miserable if she is no longer allowing in your M. Take away the cake!
I'm so sorry you had the need to find us.
Please read my main posts to gain some perspective as to what you're in for.
All I can say at the moment is that it looks like shes' "gone underground". The affair may well still be active and you are being given enough crumbs to carry on as long as you don't question anything.
Do not let her sweep this under the rug. If she doesn't show true remorse (you need to learn the difference between remorse and regret) then you must detach and make some real decisions for the health of you and your children
message me if you want to
[This message edited by allatsea at 9:53 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]
Your wife has committed a serious marital crime. Now it's time to see if she can do the work it will take to keep you. YOU are the prize. She's a broken, sexually immoral woman.
You need to kick some serious ass, in a strictly figurative sense, of course. Meaning that you set boundaries and enforce them, and make her do whatever it is you need to feel safe. Immediate NC with the OM is a must, changing jobs as soon as it's feasible is also a must in my opinion (some on here might differ), STD tests, change passwords, change cell phone number, block calls, No-Contact letter, and anything else you might need.
She's committing the most unloving act a spouse can commit against her spouse, short of hiring a hit man for the insurance money. Don't take one ounce of her crap, she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Check out the Healing Library, especially the part about implementing the "180."
Hang in there bro.
You have more problems here than I can count, but you have already received some good advice.
First,I think you know you are in an open marriage, but have been too paralyzed or in a denial state to try to help yourself. The skirt your wife left the house in this morning was not intended to be sexy for you.
The MC is taking your money for nothing. She is refusing to do anything to make you feel safe and is probably lying her ass off to the therapist. The fact that this person has not challenged her and brought out the truth is enough reason to stop or change therapists.
You are being humiliated and disrespected daily and I don't know how you can even respond to her knowing she may have had sex with her other lover or lovers right before coming home to you. You are now in what is an"cuckold" relationship.
Now what can you do about it
(1) Do exactly what others have told you and go to her HR Department. As long as she works with AP you will not stop this without blowing up either his work and home life or your WW.
(2) See an attorney immediately and have preliminary divorcee papers drawn up.I think you will find as a stay at hoe dad she will have to pay you just like a man would have to pay a woman who stayed home. Do not tell her you are doing this.
(3) Install a VAR in her car and a GPS also. The techies on here can give you detailed directions on what to buy.
(4) Don't know how you can enjoy your birthday , but after it you need to have a MAJOR confrontation with evidence in hand and divorce papers ready. You can stop that any time you want.
You the. Need to demand, not ask, for
Name of AP or others
NO COnTACT- she needs to look for job elsewhere
TOTAL transparency - all so i media
COMMITMENT to you
You have two choices here. Either be disrespected and suck it up and let her do what she wants
Or you can stand up for yourself and yes she might divorce you .
If you do nothing it will NOT get better.she likes it now. She bangs whoever she wants and services you to keep you quiet.
Only you can fix this. She will not do it for you
i can barely type because i had surgery on my right hand, monday and im right handed. it could take up to 12 weeks to heal.
i only have a part time job. not sure what i'll do for money and a place to live, and i dont want to lose my girls!