SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Still Cheating At Work
Back in Feb, I realized my wife was going beyond not having sex with me, she was becoming completely detached.
I started getting "that feeling".
She was working late almost every night, stopped wearing business clothes to work and only wore tight we dresses and short dresses, stopped letting me see her cell phone, was completely detached, etc.
I knew she was cheating, but I had no proof. MY Stomach was in a knot 24/7 and I was obsessed. All I could think about was getting proof. I cried constantly whenever I was alone.
I lost 45 lbs in one month.
I wasn't just afraid that she was having s n affair, I thought it was with her boss, and he'd help her get a good lawyer and take my kids.
I finally told her that I felt like she was cheating on me or she was going to leave me. She responded by lashing out at me and yelling about how much pressure she was under at work.
After months of suffering and looking for proof, I found out a bout seamen detection kits.
After a couple of her garments tested positive (we hadn't had sex in months), I scraped up enough money to send a pair of her underwear to an accredited lab.
It came up positive.
We had an argument and I couldn't hold back; I told her I had proof, but I didn't tell her what the proof was. At first she admitted to an online thing with a guy who works for her company. I told her I had proof of a physical encounter.
She finally admitted to an affair, but lied about who it is with. I confronted her and she told me another guy.
We have two children and I want to stay married, but I can't help but think she is still cheating. The alleged guy worked in her huge office building but not with the compliant she works for.
She started acting like her old self again (good wife and mother) however, on the few occasions we have sex, it's mostly on a weekend, in the morning (when it'll be over faster), and she just lays there. Doesn't even try to have an orgasm. She barely even touches me. Awkwardly tries to figure out where to put her hands.
We're in couples counseling, but not dealing with my issues and the affair. Mostly "moving forward".
If our sex life wasn't such a joke, I wouldn't still be as suspicious, and still hurting.
At this point I don't know what to do.
I don't want a divorce, for many reasons which I'll write later.
I just want this pain to stop.
im sorry your in such pain. We know that well here. It sounds as if your wife is still involved in her affair. Im sorry. This happened in my situation as well. Look to the upper left of the screen there is a yellow box. Tons of good info there to help you.
Eat and drink. You have to be healthy for whats ahead of you. Post and read here also. Her actions are more telling than her words so watch closely. Again im sorry your here and why. But this is a great place for help and support
He welcome to SI...the place no one wants to be but are glad they found!
If you know that your wife is having sex with other men, stop having sex with her until you and she are tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Many people on her have been unfortunate enough to contract something from their spouse/partner because they were off having unprotected sex with other people.
Right now you need to take care of yourself. You have solid proof that she is cheating. You need to make her shit or get off the pot. It's time she made either a commitment to you and your marriage, or left. I know that sounds harsh, but right now it sounds as if she is what is called "cake eating".....continuing to carry on with other men, and giving you the bare minimum of time and attention to keep you on the string too. It's not fair to you to be put in that position. It's time to get an honest answer out of her regarding where she stands on your marriage and the future. If you don't she can string you along for a long, long time and cause you more pain.
There are many great articles in the Healing Library here that will give you some guidance about things.
Come often, post lots..the people here will give you love, support and good advice because they are either there with you or have been there themselves.....HUGS
Thanks movingforward and Kiki.
She did get tested and she's doing everything else right. In fact, I just had an operation and when not at work, she's taking care of me.
The sex is what worries me now. I think she wants to have this family life, but she's still having an affair and only letting me have sex to pacify me.
I am s stay-at-home dad with s part-time job. I used to be the breadwinner but when we had planned our move eight years ago, she begged me to let her go back to work. I switched places w with her because I've always been supportive.
If our sex life was normal, I wouldn't have even look for her cheating again.
We are in debt, I gave up my career, and we have kids. Even if I wanted to get divorced, I can't imagine getting one now.
I've never cheated in my life however.....
If I trusted the Ashley Madison website, I'd look for my own affair. Like I said I d, she's acting normal now in all other aspects of our family life.
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:14 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]
Like all of us, our self-esteem plunged to the basement when we found out about an affair. It sounds like that is exactly where yours is. I also believe she is still involved in the affair or at the very least, she is still in the fog. You having an affair is not the answer but I understand totally you feeling like it might be. Anything to make yourself feel worthy and desirable at this point.
I don't think your wife wants a divorce and that is why she is pacifying you at this point, but the sex says a lot. She does not seem interested in you and that points to her mind at least being elsewhere.
You need to be in MC and dealing with the affair. Until that is dealt with, you can not move forward.
You sound miserable and it doesn't sound like she is in the game. Has she given you all of her internet passwords, email, cell phone, etc.
Infidelity is a betrayal and it takes a lot of time and a lot of work to heal from it. She would probably just like to forget about it. There are lots of articles in the healing library that can help you and there are a lot of good books. So sorry. The pain is really unbearable, I know.
I don't have any passwords. When I mentioned in couples therapy, she is not participating in sex, she became defensive and said it was because I lost lot of weight and she needs to get used to it
If I ask for passwords it will end in a fight, I'm sure.
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 1:15 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]
Her lack of interest in sex is most likely due to the fact that she is mourning the loss of her A.
She is just going through the motions with you my man. While sex or the lack thereof can be one of many signals of an ongoing A, it certainly is not the only indicator. While I understand your concern about the A possibly being active. Don't use your sex life as the only sign. An informed BS is what you need to become. Use any and all means of verification to ensure the A is over. Don't think for one second she has any right to privacy. The day she decided to cheat is the day she lost that right my man. "Trust but verify" is a mantra here at SI. I suggest you use it. To be honest I'd be more concerned that she is mourning the A and/or the OP. To me that signifies she has a deep emotional connection that will not be easy to break. She is still is the proverbial fog and R can not go forward while she is in it. Is she in IC ? If not, I suggest it be one of your demands of R. She needs to understand that the A was not a reality based event. She needs to understand the stupidity of it and that it is/was not a romantic thing. Its imperative that you insert some reality into her fantasy now. Perhaps asking her to leave until she gets her head together is a good idea. She needs to experience the consequences that an A brings. And if that's the way you go, keep in mind that you can not support her in any way, shape or form.
I'd also suggest you reconsider the employment status here. Its apparent she has abused your gift to her in allowing her to work while you stay home. I would at the very least test the waters of finding a job. She can not be trusted right now. Her reluctance to be honest is another indicator she has no remorse at this time. She needs to tell you exactly who the OM is and what she plans on doing about him. Given her current mental status and the fact she still is at the very least emotionally attached to the AP. I don't think R is possible right now. Its best you prepare yourself for D. That does not mean you have to D her right now. But positioning yourself in that direction is a smart move. I understand your hurting, but protecting yourself and your kids is a priority right now. You cant force her to change. You cant nice her back into the M. She needs to take those steps on her own. And so far she has not. I wish you luck brother.
DG - I feel for you dude. You've made a great decision in joining and posting. You'll get some amazing advice from folks here who have been through this and can help guide you. You'll have a forum to vent.
I'm still new, but have some thoughts:
1 - your wife's A is NOT YOUR FAULT. I can see that you're down on yourself. Understand this: you did nothing to deserve this. Your wife has issues she needs to fix. I have a job. I am fortunate enough to make enough to support my wife (she's a SAHM). She cheated on me with multiple men. She had a LTA.
While you haven't said this outright I want to make sure that you are not blaming yourself or your stay-at-home status for your wife's infidelity.
The A is about the fucked up choices she made. The A is 100% on her.
Repeat out loud if you need to (frequently until you believe it and anytime you are down): THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I DIDNT DESERVE THIS. I DESERVE BETTER.
2 - You say that, other than the awkward sx, your wife is doing everything right.
With all due respect, that's BS. She is not giving you full transparency. That is necessary to rebuild trust.
You deserve to feel safe in your relationship. Your wife does not deserve privacy. She gave up that right when she decided to fck another man.
3 - Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating right and sleeping. And drinking lots of water. If you're recovering from surgery this is crucial.
4 - See a lawyer for a free consult re: what you could expect the outcome to be if you divorce. Knowledge is power. Fear is crippling. Empower yourself brother.
5 - Keep posting and reading. I don't post a lot on here about my own sitch, but I read and then read some more and then continue reading even more.
Without the wisdom of this community I would be toast.
Others will come along and give you good advice on how to deal with your W (who seems to be, at best, mourning the loss of her A and perhaps still continuing the A).
Hang in there dude. It's going to be a long journey. Maybe your M will survive, maybe it wont. Either way, you'll come out of this a strong and better man (as will I).
deceivedguy))) I'm sorry.
You need to hear this brother.
You're hanging your self respect with the rope of your desire to "stay married".
Turn the energy of that desire into "the desire to be a whole, strong, respected man".
You cannot demand respect.
You command it.
How you begin is by respecting yourself.
STOP having sex.
It's a common thought - having a revenge affair - do not. It will hurt you. BADLY.
If bringing up *your truth* (asking for passwords for instance) will end up in a fight as you say - you need to realize you're being manipulated.
She's using your fear to get you to *stuff it*.
It won't work.
You know that we menz automatically respond, as if we're hardwired (pun intended!) - to physical beauty...you know, we're *visual*?
In like manner, have you ever wondered what wimmenz are wired to respond to?
I'll tell you.
Not *pleasing them*.
Not *nice-guying* them back into the relationship.
Go grab your ass-kicking boots, they're over there, laying all dusty in the back of the closet.
Lace them on with cold determination and
walk THE fuck away
from her cake-eating
Stand up for yourself.
A faithful man.
Emotional abuse and manipulation?
It stops when you say it stops.
MC (marriage counseling) with an unremorseful spouse is like pissin on a fire - you're gonna get burned.
Do this instead:
Do it for you, your healing. To get strong. Not to get her to do this-or-that - it is not a manipulative tool - it is only for you to get centered, healing, and strong.
Grab them damn boots.
Sex is like a marriage litmus paper test. Your wife's lack of participation tells you that she does not want sex with you; yet you still persist as if it was a duty she must perform. You need to end physical interaction with your WW for the time being; it is insulting, humiliating and demeaning to you in particular.
Currently she does not love or respect you and is emotionally involved with another man. You are having sex with her knowing she's probably fresh from her lovers bed; your semen detection kit shows you she's also having unprotected sex; exposing you to potential STD's and her possible pregnancy.
You need to end her employment with her work place. Two ways you can do it; get a full-time job yourself and present your wife with a fait accompli; she now has to end her job to stay home with the kids.
Tell HR at her workplace and get her fired for having sex during the workday - worth a try.
I understand you do not wish to divorce then you have two options.
1] Accept her infidelity and sleep separately from your WW until the kids are in their late teens and you can end the marriage. Remember your wife will be getting her sex, affection and emotional validation from her affairs.
2] After your wife has left her employment try and talk things over with a third party, [I presume you cannot afford MC] and analyze your marriage and what you can do to put it right. To regain WW's respect and your value in the relationship you are going to need to be tough and strong; draw firm boundaries and be prepared to handle her animosity and anger. You need to be the decision maker from now on, or she will never see you as a husband she can look up to and feel cared by.
Use SI resources to help you make the right decisions. Keep posting and you have a chance of receiving good advice that will enable you to possibly save your marriage.
Everyone is saying what I have suspected. I think she is still having an affair.
In couples therapy, we discussed triggers. As much BS as couples therapy has been, I've been going along w with it. One of my triggers is my wife's change in clothes. She used to wear business clothes to work. After the affair started, she started wearing only form-fitting dresses, and outfits that looked like she was going out on a date (wearing them to work).
We discussed her getting a new wardrobe.
She just left for work wearing one of only two new items o f clothing she just bought. A skirt that can't be longer than 3 inches from her crotch.
I have a birthday coming up in a week. I'm going to try and ride this out until then because I want one more happy day. My kids like to make a big deal out of my birthday.
Then I'm going to demand to see her cellphone and iPad, and maybe laptop (laptop and iPad are from work). If she refuses, I'm going to try and get the guts to say that our marriage won't survive her secret life.
I can't put into words how much MORE this is making my stomach twist. I'm practically hyperventilating.
Why wait for the bday? Take action now!!
Sorry you are here deceivedguy but welcome to SI. I would agree that your WW is still actively involved in the affair right in front of you. I don't know if you have seen these posts yet, but please read if you have not:
Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:
And more 180 info under the target thread here:
I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:
Great Posts for Newbies to Read
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
Before You Say Reconcile...
This is because your wife is still actively involved in her A.
For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O
Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with her:
Also, if she's serious about R, which there's no way she is at the moment, some people have printed these out and handed to their WSs.
How much does my BS hurt? ...
Things that every WS needs to know
Affair Confessions - Everything to learn in 1 Post
There's a lot to read there, but there's a lot of useful information in there that you can use now!! Don't wait. The longer this drags out the worse it will be for you and your family. She needs to get out of that job as well or the A is just going to continue on.
Very sorry you are hurting so badly. Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.
When I mentioned in couples therapy, she is not participating in sex, she became defensive and said it was because I lost lot of weight and she needs to get used to itIMO, that is a lie. The defensive attitude is enough to tell you it is a lie.
Is couples therapy like MC in this case, if so, what does your MC say about your wife having an affair. Why does the MC even see you while she is having an affair.
It does sound like the affair continues, since there have been no consequences, why shouldn't her affair continue.
Where did she and this OM meet for their affair? If you want to know, you should consider getting a VAR and a gps tracker for her car.
Has your wife sent this OM a No Contact that you have seen?
Do you even know who the OM is? If your wife wont even tell you who she had an affair with, then she has no clue as to what is going on.
Can you start working again, right away. If so, you might consider telling your wife she is to quit her job and you are going back to work.
Your wife should quit her job anyway, considering the affair was with a coworker.
At this time, there has been NO consequences for your wife and she is merrily going on about her life.
Do the 180 and sorry about your birthday at this time, but affairs wait for nothing. Something is always coming up, birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, etc.
Is the OM married that you know of?
You need to start being proactive in this terrible situation instead of reactive. Because being reactive makes you constantly feel like you are out of control and a nobody in the relationship.
Take back control and become proactive.
Talk to a lawyer immediately and find out about all of your rights and what you should be doing at this time.
Your wife is in the fog of an affair and this will get worse until the ends the affair.
If you want to stay married, then your goal is to get the affair ended in any way you can. And become proactive by seeing a lawyer, finding out who the OM is and your wife starts seeing consequences for her actions.
You are letting your WW walk all over you. I get it, affairs turn us men into weak unconfident doormats. You have to understand that your WW doesn't respect you right now, that's why you are being treated so badly.
I 100% believe that a BS is not to blame at all for their WS A. However, once they become aware, they can accumulate blame for not doing what they can to stop it.
Take back control and become proactive.
Talk to a lawyer immediately and find out about all of your rights and what you should be doing at this time.
Serving your wife D papers may just clear the fog pretty quickly. She works...you don't. Her life is going to get miserable if she is no longer allowing in your M. Take away the cake!
I'm so sorry you had the need to find us.
I haven't got time to write much right now but I've read your post and I feel for you. I have a particular empathy with betrayed men as I am one and have been through the ringer with my WW.
Please read my main posts to gain some perspective as to what you're in for.
All I can say at the moment is that it looks like shes' "gone underground". The affair may well still be active and you are being given enough crumbs to carry on as long as you don't question anything.
Do not let her sweep this under the rug. If she doesn't show true remorse (you need to learn the difference between remorse and regret) then you must detach and make some real decisions for the health of you and your children
message me if you want to
[This message edited by allatsea at 9:53 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]
Is this other guy married?
You need to tell his wife/girlfriend asap.
If this guy is her boss you need to out him at work.
She has to have consequences if you have any chance of saving this.
deceivedguy, so sorry you are here man. Read jjct's post again, there is so much wisdom in it.
Your wife has committed a serious marital crime. Now it's time to see if she can do the work it will take to keep you. YOU are the prize. She's a broken, sexually immoral woman.
You need to kick some serious ass, in a strictly figurative sense, of course. Meaning that you set boundaries and enforce them, and make her do whatever it is you need to feel safe. Immediate NC with the OM is a must, changing jobs as soon as it's feasible is also a must in my opinion (some on here might differ), STD tests, change passwords, change cell phone number, block calls, No-Contact letter, and anything else you might need.
She's committing the most unloving act a spouse can commit against her spouse, short of hiring a hit man for the insurance money. Don't take one ounce of her crap, she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Check out the Healing Library, especially the part about implementing the "180."
Hang in there bro.
You have more problems here than I can count, but you have already received some good advice.
First,I think you know you are in an open marriage, but have been too paralyzed or in a denial state to try to help yourself. The skirt your wife left the house in this morning was not intended to be sexy for you.
The MC is taking your money for nothing. She is refusing to do anything to make you feel safe and is probably lying her ass off to the therapist. The fact that this person has not challenged her and brought out the truth is enough reason to stop or change therapists.
You are being humiliated and disrespected daily and I don't know how you can even respond to her knowing she may have had sex with her other lover or lovers right before coming home to you. You are now in what is an"cuckold" relationship.
Now what can you do about it
(1) Do exactly what others have told you and go to her HR Department. As long as she works with AP you will not stop this without blowing up either his work and home life or your WW.
(2) See an attorney immediately and have preliminary divorcee papers drawn up.I think you will find as a stay at hoe dad she will have to pay you just like a man would have to pay a woman who stayed home. Do not tell her you are doing this.
(3) Install a VAR in her car and a GPS also. The techies on here can give you detailed directions on what to buy.
(4) Don't know how you can enjoy your birthday , but after it you need to have a MAJOR confrontation with evidence in hand and divorce papers ready. You can stop that any time you want.
You the. Need to demand, not ask, for
Name of AP or others
NO COnTACT- she needs to look for job elsewhere
TOTAL transparency - all so i media
COMMITMENT to you
You have two choices here. Either be disrespected and suck it up and let her do what she wants
Or you can stand up for yourself and yes she might divorce you .
If you do nothing it will NOT get better.she likes it now. She bangs whoever she wants and services you to keep you quiet.
Only you can fix this. She will not do it for you
I want to thank you all again! I will take as many messages, posts, and advice as you can give me. They are slowly empowering me to take control.
the thought of ending this family is killing me. i need to keep reading the suggested material
i can barely type because i had surgery on my right hand, monday and im right handed. it could take up to 12 weeks to heal.
i only have a part time job. not sure what i'll do for money and a place to live, and i dont want to lose my girls!
Deceived you will not lose your girls.
She will be paying you child support and spousal support more than likely if you go down the divorce route.
You need to schedule appointments with lawyers asap to know where you stand legally.
My wife acts the same way during sex. What you have to consider is that they feel many feelings about sex that we dont. They feel ashamed they feel uneasy they are not sure what to do, they might even be having a psychological event where they are thinking of their lover and seeing you, they are crossing swords in their mind and since it is possible that they care for you but are not in love with you sex can be just a chore. that is where we are are me and the WW. I had sex with her the other night and as usual since the DD came out, it 100% my effort and zero on her. She doesn't typically try to orgasm and if she does, she does then just heads out to the shower with out a word. If I try to talk about it (the sex) she rolls over and goes to sleep. It sucks, and what is very funny is that when people cheat they never realize how fucked up everything becomes. The fun they had will never compare to the f-ked upness the rest of the world becomes. It never works out well, eveyone always loses.