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Still Cheating At Work

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deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 13:19 PM

Her word is worthless at this point. She has not only said she's committed to saving the marriage, but she insisted on seeing a MC.
That is just so she can use the MC to validate the fantasy world she's created as a justification for cheating.
She still wont let me see her electronics, she said she broke up with original OM via her phone and when I didnt see the call on our bill, she said she made the call from her work phone. She has been working at making everything appear normal at home, but she doesn't realize all of the details she cant fake.
Unless some miracle occurs' i'm doing my best to stay disconnected and seem unaffected, until i find an attorney i trust. I'm going to serve her with divorce papers and tell her i'm willing to talk if she changes to transparency, and doing whatever it takes for me to feel secure in knowing she is not cheating during work hours. I might not even go that far. I need to look at her electronics whenever i want, and i need the name(s) of OM(s).
My guess is, she'll welcome divorce in which case i'll know i didn't have her back, anyway.
I just need to have the guts to do it, when i have the right lawyer.

Badhurt posted 7/11/2014 13:26 PM

Deceived,

Was the MC joint, or just IC for her. That is worthless. She could have told the therapist any lie she wanted to and you'd never know.

Stay out of MC now until you file and get an answer.

I forget who said it, buti think you should do what was suggested. Get a sitter for the kids, and walk into her office with the papers and tell her she can now legally enjoy herself without worrying about anything.

DO NOT tell her you love her and WANT to R. Tell her what you want now is your demands met or she is free to go.

The more I think about your situation the more pissed i get. How disgraceful, to have to take your wife's panties to get tested for strange semen.

She is very lucky she is not married to me.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 13:43 PM

BadHurt,
At our last MC session I revealed that my method of knowing WS had sex, were the semen tests. AND, I did another test recently, a week or so since i last had sex with her (jun 17th).
The MC's response was, a)science can be wrong, b) asking my wife if these discoveries make her feel ambushed, c)if we keep talking about my suspicion that she's still cheating, we can't move forward.

my wife denied, saying the test is wrong because she hasnt had sex with anyone else since admitting original A. Of course.

craig2001 posted 7/11/2014 13:45 PM

I need to look at her electronics whenever i want, and i need the name(s) of OM(s).
There can be no R without those things. And that is the bottom line.

Otherwise, you're right back where you started.

Schadenfreude posted 7/11/2014 13:45 PM

A good divorce lawyer can recommend IC or MC if you want. A good divorce lawyer has no stake in whether you end up divorced or not, either, so good ones will make that recommendation.

You aren't at that point now, however. MC at the tip of a spear (D) isn't going to work. Nor is it if she's still involved with OM and hasn't gone NC. Don't waste the time and money.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 13:50 PM

UPDATE
This detachment is doing something to my WS. She called me from work to see how I was. I didn't initiate any conversation, just responded to hers.
She tried cracking a couple of jokes which she hasn't done in awhile.
I always initiate "i love you" at the end of calls. And it has always ticked me off (during and after A) when she'd say "love ya" instead of i love you". semantics, i know.
Today she ended the call letting me know she'll call when she is on her way home. Instead of saying "i love you', i said, "okay"...
long pause....she said very clearly, "I love you".

It's not easy, but this detaching is eliciting some interesting reactions by WS...

Badhurt posted 7/11/2014 13:51 PM

You MC is an idiot, and is giving her cover . Ten different therapists will not give the same advice. She cheats and this genius tells you not to out her on the spot.
Don't go back there.
Mac is a subjective science, not quantitative. If you get back to MC, which I doubt , you need to make it clear that is it going nowhere until you are convinced you are getting the truth .
The word trust for her should not even come up. You would need to be committed to a mental hospital if you trusted her one inch now

Salt posted 7/11/2014 13:58 PM

Careful DG,
I got all of that too, and then some. Ex attended MC with me, then would go see mow afterward. Ex wouldn't give me his electronics, then got another phone to talk to her on (it fell out of his jacket, idiot). I was told, sure I can get you electronics, but it's not going to assure you I'm not doing anything. I can use any phone to make a call. You are just going to have to trust me. BS.

Yeah. Put a VAR in her car DG. You will know the truth then.

Stay strong! Detach detach detach. Stay dark.

[This message edited by Salt at 2:06 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

Tom67 posted 7/11/2014 14:15 PM

Stop wasting $$$ on that idiot of an MC.
Like what Salt said var in her car go get one today go to best buy or frys get a good olympus or sony model.
Radio shack has crappy ones imo.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 14:17 PM

Badhurt and ,
We fired that MC after our blowout, a few nights ago. I said that we cant work on moving forward until we work on dealing with the A. WS wanted me to find another. i found one, but appt isnt until end of the month. i'm buying time for lawyer interviews. Wish i could get a line on another. i have aN appt with a lawyer on tues, but i want to make sure i get someone who is good.

Salt...working hard at the detachment! ITS TOUGH! True test will be if i cant slip out of bed fast enough in the morning, to avoid sex invitation. although like i said before, its not really sex, its early morning (weekend-only), get it over with as fast as possible, her laying there unresponsive, physical interaction.
I have to be strong if i dont make it out of bed before potential invitation (meant to pacify me).
And my darned right hand won't be healed for another 8-12 weeks!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 2:18 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

Tom67 posted 7/11/2014 14:17 PM

Tell her you set up a polygraph appointment then see her reaction.
I wouldn't waste the money on it but I would bring it up.

Jduff posted 7/11/2014 14:22 PM

The MC's response was, a)science can be wrong, b) asking my wife if these discoveries make her feel ambushed, c)if we keep talking about my suspicion that she's still cheating, we can't move forward.

Fuuuuuck, it's bad enough to be gas-lighted by your own WS, but then also by the MC!?!?

You are firing her, right?

Today she ended the call letting me know she'll call when she is on her way home. Instead of saying "i love you', i said, "okay"...
long pause....she said very clearly, "I love you".

Yup, and pretty soon you'll start to experience heavy "hoovering" from her. Stay strong. It'll get REALLY interesting.

Hurry up and get that VAR from walmart or target. Hide it under the seat in the car. If you can't find the sony model there are some from $30 to $60 range in other brands. Better to get something than nothing.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 14:23 PM

Tom, we already went through that. when she gave me initial name of original OM, and where he worked, i investigated and found out he didnt exist. she agreed to take polygraph, then backed down, giving me the name of a person who works in her building who does exist. She didnt know i was looking at phone bills (she does the bills) but his number was never called again after that. i think its over between WS and that OM. Ithink she is with different OM now.

OK now posted 7/11/2014 14:25 PM

Since your initial post you have made great progress. I see determination and strength returning and that will get you through this current misery.

Don't get angry with WW. Just stay calm and detached. She is still playing that game of 'you can't do anything since you don't know anything'.

Your greatest deficiency, as other have said, is not knowing the name of the OM or if she is still engaged in a PA with him. Makes it difficult to hang a person if you can't prove they have committed a crime.

You need some proof or she will evade justice and carry on with her 'crimes'.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 14:25 PM

there is a spy store not too far from my house, where i bought the semen detection kits.
it has to be seriously hidden because she was paranoid of surveillance long before i confronted her with proof.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 14:28 PM

You need some proof or she will evade justice and carry on with her 'crime

OK now, i'm going to go VAR shopping!

5454real posted 7/11/2014 14:37 PM

OK now, i'm going to go VAR shopping!

I'm going to take a different tact. Why?^^^^ Other than replacing your right hand, what drives you to want her back? Is her cooking so superlative? Her conversations so witty?

Right now, it sounds like the 180 is working. She is beginning to turn it around. However, until she is on her knees, sobbing and begging and offering everything you have already requested, why do you even want her back? The sex ain't that good.

Sending strength. I'm sorry you've had to join us.

ETA Spelin

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:49 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

craig2001 posted 7/11/2014 14:39 PM

And it has always ticked me off (during and after A) when she'd say "love ya" instead of i love you". semantics, i know.
Semantics and things just like you mentioned are all parts of what causes our gut feelings to get that funny feeling.

It is the little things that our guts notice quickly, those little things that seem out of place to us.

You could probably get that phone number traced and find out who exactly that OM was.

Tom67 posted 7/11/2014 15:13 PM

When you get the var you are going to have to get heavy velcro and attach under the drivers seat.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 15:17 PM

545,
At this point, the main reason for finding out who it is, is piece of mind. There may be more than one OM, but if I serve her D papers without more definitive proof of at least one, I won't have closure. It may seem like a waste of time, but I need to know, if possible. If I don't get a name, I'm still planning on doing this, but I really want to know.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 15:19 PM

Craig, exactly!
Its like walking through a room in your house every day, where nothing is moved. One day, one item is moved an inch... You KNOW something is different, but cant put your finger on it.
This is what the cheaters cant fake!

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