It is ok to be hurt. To be angry.
The key is to vent here.
Trust your Gut!
It has not failed you so far.
A var in the car is key. Doing a successful 180 is key for you.
You need to show your wife that you no longer accept her lies and infidelity.
And It most likely will take serving her before she acknowledges that and makes any positive steps to fixing her selfishness.
She might not come back to the marriage. But right now it is not much of a marriage.
But you cannot control her. You can only control you.
You are doing great. Stay tough and stop thinking of sex with her. For now.
She needs to see that she no longer holds all the cards, even the sex one. And please remember she has been handing out the sex one way to freely to others IMO.
Hoovering- Don't Get Sucked Back In
She is loosing control and she knows it. This is a power thing for her. Keep doing the 180 for you so that you can get to a stronger mental state and make sound decisions without having to feel codependent about it. You are doing well.
Keep reporting back if you need to.
And please remember she has been handing out the sex one way to freely to others IMO.
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:15 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]
However, YOU are not playing games. Always be short and courteous. You have a big week coming up exploring your options and learning your rights. Keep telling yourself that she is actively in an affair and that you are finding your way out infidelity, not just for you, but for your kids. This is for your family. Get the hell out of infidelity that your WW put you in. Get mad if you have to...just keep your temper under control. YOU CAN DO THIS!
When it comes to sex, how many guys are here in this thread with you cheering you on saying keep doing the 180? Imagine us in the room with you shaking our heads saying don't do it, we are watching you when it comes to the sex part. Maybe that will help you stay strong.
You can so this. Chin up. Unwavering. Fight for your family and stay strong.
eta - typo
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:30 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]
She made it a point during original A, that during interview, the assistant will do anything for his boss.
She might think your reaction to her is that you are having an affair. Which is good, let her think for a while.
I'm trying to keep my distance and act happy and content.
I was going to step out and take the kids to the mall and she invited herself.
I have got to physically get away from her.
True test will be if i cant slip out of bed fast enough in the morning, to avoid sex invitation. although like i said before, its not really sex, its early morning (weekend-only), get it over with as fast as possible, her laying there unresponsive, physical interaction.
I have to be strong if i dont make it out of bed before potential invitation (meant to pacify me).
What type of relationship is that for you both? How could she be into you if that is what intimacy is like for both of you?
I was glad to hear you feel bad for it afterward. I am sure she feels horrible during. You are having sex when she isn't clearly into it. This is only going to make her pull away from you more. It will build resentment. The same resentment you feel for her because she isn't into it. How will your M ever heal, regardless of whether she is still having an A?
I was so relieved to hear that you have said "no" to the "pacify" sex. IMHO-no more sex! Not, until you both feel the passion or there will never be any intimacy in your relationship. Just resentment. Neither of you are showing an ounce of respect for each other when it comes to sex. You need that intimacy, but you are taking it knowing full well that she doesn't want to give it. How do you think that makes her feel? What do you think that is doing for the M? Why would she want to R or be with you if you are "in her eyes showing disrespect"? Sex/intimacy is probably a big part of her A issues. She isn't going to want to be with someone she feels obligated to have sex with.
Continue the 180. See the lawyer. Continue to detach. Show her a man that she will want. Go to IC, to help you detach from her and no longer need her.
She loves the attention. She loves the chase. Stop chasing (and maybe she will notice and chase you back and give up these other men). Assuming that after you detach, you still want her.
I think you are doing everything right (except the sex respect thing). We vets- can be a bit pushy due to experience. We tend to overlook the time it takes for these changes to take effect. Glad to hear you are getting to the anger phase.
IMHO, I hope you detach enough to let her go and find a woman that will not take to you for granted and will feel honored to be with you intimately.
You KNOW there is another man or she would be doing more than just obligatory sex. The fact that you are accepting knowing that is good.
The feeling you have now is NOT going to go away until you file for D. At that point you will get an immediate and probably correct notion of exactly what is going on in her head.
until then, she will continue to fuck with your mind because she knows she can and she has all the cards right now. Hopefully, you end that SOON.
So prepare for the next part--the anger and lashing out. What she is doing right now is trying to regain her "hand" (Seinfeld reference for some humor!) and when she realizes that ship has sailed, she is going to react like a petulant child, temper tantrums and all. Please know that is just par for the course.
As for sex--I completely understand. My fWh and I are a
mismatch in that department--I would be very happy with many more performances where he is fine with the average. I know I have a much higher than average drive so it is just something I had to work through when I was in your spot. It takes time, but it will get better.
Hand is something that is hard to give up. By taking the options away from her and taking control of your future (the best you can) is the only way to reconcile the feelings of helplessness. She is going to have a VERY hard time learning and realizing she has lost the upper hand. Please, please prepare for the fallout.
You may want to check out some of the guys in D/S -- Abbondad, Allatsea, SeanFl -- those names pop to the top of my head in experience in the petulant child department, though I suspect we have more than enough folks within this own thread who can write a book on their experience!
That said, you've come so far and done such a great job. I know right now you are sort of in a "fake it till you make it" situation, but with every day that passes it will become more real and less fake. Keep that in mind as things get difficult. I know it is hard to imagine but you will come out of this ok! :)
The more disinterested you are, the more she will cling (until she breaks. Then you get the tantrums and petulance.)
The good thing about that is after time, you really will become disinterested. It won't be just an act. Once you see the shenanigans act out before you, it is a lot easier to detach. It becomes quite ridiculous.
It was amazing what happened after I went a week. That feeling of desperation - which was all encompassing, actually began to fade.
The one thing I would emphasize is the 180 isn't really about winning her back in my opinion. It's learning to make your happiness not depend on other people.
[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:15 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]