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Still Cheating At Work

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happyman64 posted 7/12/2014 08:45 AM


It is ok to be hurt. To be angry.

The key is to vent here.

Trust your Gut!

It has not failed you so far.

A var in the car is key. Doing a successful 180 is key for you.

You need to show your wife that you no longer accept her lies and infidelity.

And It most likely will take serving her before she acknowledges that and makes any positive steps to fixing her selfishness.

She might not come back to the marriage. But right now it is not much of a marriage.

But you cannot control her. You can only control you.

You are doing great. Stay tough and stop thinking of sex with her. For now.

She needs to see that she no longer holds all the cards, even the sex one. And please remember she has been handing out the sex one way to freely to others IMO.


yearsofpain25 posted 7/12/2014 08:52 AM

She's going to try and Hoover you. Please read this:

Hoovering- Don't Get Sucked Back In

She is loosing control and she knows it. This is a power thing for her. Keep doing the 180 for you so that you can get to a stronger mental state and make sound decisions without having to feel codependent about it. You are doing well.

Keep reporting back if you need to.


deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 08:55 AM

And please remember she has been handing out the sex one way to freely to others IMO.

This has been my biggest motivator. Ironically, the thing that has destroyed our marriage (sex) is my kryptonite. It's the hardest thing to battle. And I'm sorry if this is crude, but my right hand is out of commission due to surgery last Monday.
This has been the toughest part of distancing.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 09:13 AM

I just read about Hoovering. It DOES feel like she's genuinely trying to go "over and above" for me. On the other hand, one of the people in her work life who i suspect may be another OM, is her newly hired assistant, half her age, good looking. She made it a point during original A, that during interview, the assistant will do anything for his boss. I figured at the time, she was practically telling me that she was in the process of hiring a new sex partner.
I told her I felt that way. She always ignored my jealousy towards him (he working for her, the week i confronted her with proof of last A).
Anyway, she was writing notes for work this morning, and when she left to take D to violin, she left a task list for him (new assistant), that she is compiling, on her laptop.
I suspect she did this on purpose because I've been displaying this independence and detachment.
Another problem....EVERYTHING seems like a component of a mind game or something to be analyzed. Everything is a "thing". I can't just go about my day, not analyzing everything.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:15 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 7/12/2014 09:25 AM

Don't buy into her nonsense. She's trying to make you jealous of what she is doing. She knows your fears and weaknesses. She is trying to play you. You can see it plain as day. Keep doing the 180 and don't get sucked into her head games.

However, YOU are not playing games. Always be short and courteous. You have a big week coming up exploring your options and learning your rights. Keep telling yourself that she is actively in an affair and that you are finding your way out infidelity, not just for you, but for your kids. This is for your family. Get the hell out of infidelity that your WW put you in. Get mad if you have to...just keep your temper under control. YOU CAN DO THIS!

When it comes to sex, how many guys are here in this thread with you cheering you on saying keep doing the 180? Imagine us in the room with you shaking our heads saying don't do it, we are watching you when it comes to the sex part. Maybe that will help you stay strong.

You can so this. Chin up. Unwavering. Fight for your family and stay strong.


eta - typo

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:30 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

craig2001 posted 7/12/2014 10:33 AM

She made it a point during original A, that during interview, the assistant will do anything for his boss.
I can see a lawsuit in the future if she isnt careful.

She might think your reaction to her is that you are having an affair. Which is good, let her think for a while.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 13:16 PM

180 and jealousy
My wife has been on work email for quite awhile. I'm paranoid about who she is writing to. Normally, I'd start getting moody and after our blow-out about electronics i might even tell her that it's a trigger which is amping up my anxiety.

I'm trying to keep my distance and act happy and content.

I was going to step out and take the kids to the mall and she invited herself.

I have got to physically get away from her.

hopefulmother posted 7/12/2014 13:29 PM

Gently, and not to bash you. I am a BS, but your posts have really struck a nerve with me about the sex issues. By all means I don't condone what your wife is doing. Sounds like she is going through a mid-life crisis, but has chosen that path for the rest of her life. (Mostly due to the fact that she went back to work and has abandoned her children in the process) You are doing great on 180. I hope it brings her around to her family. But, anyways- I just wanted to point out a major issue: SEX

True test will be if i cant slip out of bed fast enough in the morning, to avoid sex invitation. although like i said before, its not really sex, its early morning (weekend-only), get it over with as fast as possible, her laying there unresponsive, physical interaction.
I have to be strong if i dont make it out of bed before potential invitation (meant to pacify me).

What type of relationship is that for you both? How could she be into you if that is what intimacy is like for both of you?

I was glad to hear you feel bad for it afterward. I am sure she feels horrible during. You are having sex when she isn't clearly into it. This is only going to make her pull away from you more. It will build resentment. The same resentment you feel for her because she isn't into it. How will your M ever heal, regardless of whether she is still having an A?

I was so relieved to hear that you have said "no" to the "pacify" sex. IMHO-no more sex! Not, until you both feel the passion or there will never be any intimacy in your relationship. Just resentment. Neither of you are showing an ounce of respect for each other when it comes to sex. You need that intimacy, but you are taking it knowing full well that she doesn't want to give it. How do you think that makes her feel? What do you think that is doing for the M? Why would she want to R or be with you if you are "in her eyes showing disrespect"? Sex/intimacy is probably a big part of her A issues. She isn't going to want to be with someone she feels obligated to have sex with.

Continue the 180. See the lawyer. Continue to detach. Show her a man that she will want. Go to IC, to help you detach from her and no longer need her.

She loves the attention. She loves the chase. Stop chasing (and maybe she will notice and chase you back and give up these other men). Assuming that after you detach, you still want her.

I think you are doing everything right (except the sex respect thing). We vets- can be a bit pushy due to experience. We tend to overlook the time it takes for these changes to take effect. Glad to hear you are getting to the anger phase.

IMHO, I hope you detach enough to let her go and find a woman that will not take to you for granted and will feel honored to be with you intimately.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 13:56 PM

I have stopped having sex with her for the last week. I believe she doesnt want to have sex with me because there is another OM, or underground previous OM.
I don't believe she wants me at all.
I doubt she'll chase me. I'm trying to keep my distance.
Right now I'm experiencing anxiety from 180.
Sticking with it.

Badhurt posted 7/12/2014 14:10 PM


You KNOW there is another man or she would be doing more than just obligatory sex. The fact that you are accepting knowing that is good.

The feeling you have now is NOT going to go away until you file for D. At that point you will get an immediate and probably correct notion of exactly what is going on in her head.

until then, she will continue to fuck with your mind because she knows she can and she has all the cards right now. Hopefully, you end that SOON.

crisp posted 7/12/2014 15:22 PM

Although I wholeheartedly agree that sex at this time is counterproductive, I disagree with the tone of hopefulmother's criticism. She said something to the effect that you are being disrespectful of your WW when you have sex with her. Boy that is harsh. I have not seen anything from you indicating you are forcing yourself upon WW. The disrespect seems to be in one direction. If she respected you she would literally and figuratively be "bending over for you," or alternatively, cut you off entirely in the context of dissolving the marriage. It is extremely disrespectful to deny a spouse intimacy when both are healthy and purportedly attempting to make a marriage work.

swizzlestick03 posted 7/12/2014 15:41 PM

So proud of you! The unfortunate part, of course, is that it is all so predictable.

So prepare for the next part--the anger and lashing out. What she is doing right now is trying to regain her "hand" (Seinfeld reference for some humor!) and when she realizes that ship has sailed, she is going to react like a petulant child, temper tantrums and all. Please know that is just par for the course.

As for sex--I completely understand. My fWh and I are a
mismatch in that department--I would be very happy with many more performances where he is fine with the average. I know I have a much higher than average drive so it is just something I had to work through when I was in your spot. It takes time, but it will get better.

Hand is something that is hard to give up. By taking the options away from her and taking control of your future (the best you can) is the only way to reconcile the feelings of helplessness. She is going to have a VERY hard time learning and realizing she has lost the upper hand. Please, please prepare for the fallout.

You may want to check out some of the guys in D/S -- Abbondad, Allatsea, SeanFl -- those names pop to the top of my head in experience in the petulant child department, though I suspect we have more than enough folks within this own thread who can write a book on their experience!

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 17:50 PM

Ihave never forced myself on WW, sexually. In fact, on fathers day morning, she offered and i said, "only if you're actually into it', which prompted a huge argument.
I've expressed my concern that it was only in the morning, before she gets up to go to the bathroom, and she doesn't do anything. At first she said it was because she was stressed from huge piles of work at work, then it was because i lost so much weight i feel different. She used the weight excuse for almost a month. When we had the blow-out the other night from WW not showing me her electronics, she said she didnt use the weight excuse. The weight excuse was ACTUALLY referring to my comment that she awkwardly tried to figure out what to do with her hands.
NOW, it's because she needs to be emotionally connected to me.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 17:58 PM

Swizzle, the Seinfeld reference was perfect, actually. I'm trying to take that "hand" away from her.
The funny thing is, when the original A was in full swing, she seemed to pull a 180 on me. She never iniyiated "i love you", never asked for or accepted my help, basically ignored me. It was torture!
I've been doing that, in the last few days. Tonight she offered to make dinner for me and i declined. She was baffled. I said i was just going to have yogurt to start. She offered to cut up a banana and wash some blueberries. I said i might have a whole banana after the yogurt.
This is killing me. She acts really happy when i let her do something for me

swizzlestick03 posted 7/12/2014 18:00 PM

My fWh needs the emotional connection too. I don't doubt you've ever forced anything upon her at all! I, on the other hand, really enjoy sex and don't need the connection to enjoy it. It does make it difficult.

That said, you've come so far and done such a great job. I know right now you are sort of in a "fake it till you make it" situation, but with every day that passes it will become more real and less fake. Keep that in mind as things get difficult. I know it is hard to imagine but you will come out of this ok! :)

swizzlestick03 posted 7/12/2014 18:04 PM

Of course she does. She is puzzled. She doesn't understand--she can't compute how you've gone from desperately wanting to save everything to basically a nice "eff you". That is the problem--when the bafflement wears off, it will turn to outrage. "How dare he not want me! Everybody wants me. Fuck him! I'll show him." It is just another common reaction in the book.

The more disinterested you are, the more she will cling (until she breaks. Then you get the tantrums and petulance.)

The good thing about that is after time, you really will become disinterested. It won't be just an act. Once you see the shenanigans act out before you, it is a lot easier to detach. It becomes quite ridiculous.

crisp posted 7/12/2014 18:47 PM

Yep. Swizzle nailed it.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 19:00 PM

If that is what I can expect, I'm dreading it. So much pain already.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to release the kracken!

redsox13 posted 7/12/2014 19:01 PM

I have been following the thread. Kudo's for sticking to the 180 - which is really hard. But with each successive day you get a little more time where it doesn't bother you as much.

It was amazing what happened after I went a week. That feeling of desperation - which was all encompassing, actually began to fade.

The one thing I would emphasize is the 180 isn't really about winning her back in my opinion. It's learning to make your happiness not depend on other people.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:15 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Jduff posted 7/12/2014 19:04 PM

And remember, the one behavior you want to see from her near the end that will indicate any chance to fix your M is remorse. Tear gushing, snot slobbering, outpouring realization of the damage done to you, the kids, the family, and the M. Until you see that, she doesn't get it.
Every behavior between now and then is all about her self preservation and her own best interest, which got her into an A to begin with.

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