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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still Cheating At Work
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG

It is ok to be hurt. To be angry.

The key is to vent here.

Trust your Gut!

It has not failed you so far.

A var in the car is key. Doing a successful 180 is key for you.

You need to show your wife that you no longer accept her lies and infidelity.

And It most likely will take serving her before she acknowledges that and makes any positive steps to fixing her selfishness.

She might not come back to the marriage. But right now it is not much of a marriage.

But you cannot control her. You can only control you.

You are doing great. Stay tough and stop thinking of sex with her. For now.

She needs to see that she no longer holds all the cards, even the sex one. And please remember she has been handing out the sex one way to freely to others IMO.

HM


Posts: 966 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's going to try and Hoover you. Please read this:

Hoovering- Don't Get Sucked Back In
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

She is loosing control and she knows it. This is a power thing for her. Keep doing the 180 for you so that you can get to a stronger mental state and make sound decisions without having to feel codependent about it. You are doing well.

Keep reporting back if you need to.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And please remember she has been handing out the sex one way to freely to others IMO.

HP,
This has been my biggest motivator. Ironically, the thing that has destroyed our marriage (sex) is my kryptonite. It's the hardest thing to battle. And I'm sorry if this is crude, but my right hand is out of commission due to surgery last Monday.
This has been the toughest part of distancing.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP,
I just read about Hoovering. It DOES feel like she's genuinely trying to go "over and above" for me. On the other hand, one of the people in her work life who i suspect may be another OM, is her newly hired assistant, half her age, good looking. She made it a point during original A, that during interview, the assistant will do anything for his boss. I figured at the time, she was practically telling me that she was in the process of hiring a new sex partner.
I told her I felt that way. She always ignored my jealousy towards him (he working for her, the week i confronted her with proof of last A).
Anyway, she was writing notes for work this morning, and when she left to take D to violin, she left a task list for him (new assistant), that she is compiling, on her laptop.
I suspect she did this on purpose because I've been displaying this independence and detachment.
Another problem....EVERYTHING seems like a component of a mind game or something to be analyzed. Everything is a "thing". I can't just go about my day, not analyzing everything.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:15 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't buy into her nonsense. She's trying to make you jealous of what she is doing. She knows your fears and weaknesses. She is trying to play you. You can see it plain as day. Keep doing the 180 and don't get sucked into her head games.

However, YOU are not playing games. Always be short and courteous. You have a big week coming up exploring your options and learning your rights. Keep telling yourself that she is actively in an affair and that you are finding your way out infidelity, not just for you, but for your kids. This is for your family. Get the hell out of infidelity that your WW put you in. Get mad if you have to...just keep your temper under control. YOU CAN DO THIS!

When it comes to sex, how many guys are here in this thread with you cheering you on saying keep doing the 180? Imagine us in the room with you shaking our heads saying don't do it, we are watching you when it comes to the sex part. Maybe that will help you stay strong.

You can so this. Chin up. Unwavering. Fight for your family and stay strong.

yop

eta - typo

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:30 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2349 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She made it a point during original A, that during interview, the assistant will do anything for his boss.
I can see a lawsuit in the future if she isnt careful.

She might think your reaction to her is that you are having an affair. Which is good, let her think for a while.


Posts: 4271 | Registered: Jun 2002
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 and jealousy
My wife has been on work email for quite awhile. I'm paranoid about who she is writing to. Normally, I'd start getting moody and after our blow-out about electronics i might even tell her that it's a trigger which is amping up my anxiety.

I'm trying to keep my distance and act happy and content.

I was going to step out and take the kids to the mall and she invited herself.

I have got to physically get away from her.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, and not to bash you. I am a BS, but your posts have really struck a nerve with me about the sex issues. By all means I don't condone what your wife is doing. Sounds like she is going through a mid-life crisis, but has chosen that path for the rest of her life. (Mostly due to the fact that she went back to work and has abandoned her children in the process) You are doing great on 180. I hope it brings her around to her family. But, anyways- I just wanted to point out a major issue: SEX

True test will be if i cant slip out of bed fast enough in the morning, to avoid sex invitation. although like i said before, its not really sex, its early morning (weekend-only), get it over with as fast as possible, her laying there unresponsive, physical interaction.
I have to be strong if i dont make it out of bed before potential invitation (meant to pacify me).

What type of relationship is that for you both? How could she be into you if that is what intimacy is like for both of you?

I was glad to hear you feel bad for it afterward. I am sure she feels horrible during. You are having sex when she isn't clearly into it. This is only going to make her pull away from you more. It will build resentment. The same resentment you feel for her because she isn't into it. How will your M ever heal, regardless of whether she is still having an A?

I was so relieved to hear that you have said "no" to the "pacify" sex. IMHO-no more sex! Not, until you both feel the passion or there will never be any intimacy in your relationship. Just resentment. Neither of you are showing an ounce of respect for each other when it comes to sex. You need that intimacy, but you are taking it knowing full well that she doesn't want to give it. How do you think that makes her feel? What do you think that is doing for the M? Why would she want to R or be with you if you are "in her eyes showing disrespect"? Sex/intimacy is probably a big part of her A issues. She isn't going to want to be with someone she feels obligated to have sex with.

Continue the 180. See the lawyer. Continue to detach. Show her a man that she will want. Go to IC, to help you detach from her and no longer need her.

She loves the attention. She loves the chase. Stop chasing (and maybe she will notice and chase you back and give up these other men). Assuming that after you detach, you still want her.

I think you are doing everything right (except the sex respect thing). We vets- can be a bit pushy due to experience. We tend to overlook the time it takes for these changes to take effect. Glad to hear you are getting to the anger phase.

IMHO, I hope you detach enough to let her go and find a woman that will not take to you for granted and will feel honored to be with you intimately.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HM,
I have stopped having sex with her for the last week. I believe she doesnt want to have sex with me because there is another OM, or underground previous OM.
I don't believe she wants me at all.
I doubt she'll chase me. I'm trying to keep my distance.
Right now I'm experiencing anxiety from 180.
Sticking with it.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG,

You KNOW there is another man or she would be doing more than just obligatory sex. The fact that you are accepting knowing that is good.

The feeling you have now is NOT going to go away until you file for D. At that point you will get an immediate and probably correct notion of exactly what is going on in her head.

until then, she will continue to fuck with your mind because she knows she can and she has all the cards right now. Hopefully, you end that SOON.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I wholeheartedly agree that sex at this time is counterproductive, I disagree with the tone of hopefulmother's criticism. She said something to the effect that you are being disrespectful of your WW when you have sex with her. Boy that is harsh. I have not seen anything from you indicating you are forcing yourself upon WW. The disrespect seems to be in one direction. If she respected you she would literally and figuratively be "bending over for you," or alternatively, cut you off entirely in the context of dissolving the marriage. It is extremely disrespectful to deny a spouse intimacy when both are healthy and purportedly attempting to make a marriage work.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So proud of you! The unfortunate part, of course, is that it is all so predictable.

So prepare for the next part--the anger and lashing out. What she is doing right now is trying to regain her "hand" (Seinfeld reference for some humor!) and when she realizes that ship has sailed, she is going to react like a petulant child, temper tantrums and all. Please know that is just par for the course.

As for sex--I completely understand. My fWh and I are a
mismatch in that department--I would be very happy with many more performances where he is fine with the average. I know I have a much higher than average drive so it is just something I had to work through when I was in your spot. It takes time, but it will get better.

Hand is something that is hard to give up. By taking the options away from her and taking control of your future (the best you can) is the only way to reconcile the feelings of helplessness. She is going to have a VERY hard time learning and realizing she has lost the upper hand. Please, please prepare for the fallout.

You may want to check out some of the guys in D/S -- Abbondad, Allatsea, SeanFl -- those names pop to the top of my head in experience in the petulant child department, though I suspect we have more than enough folks within this own thread who can write a book on their experience!


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ihave never forced myself on WW, sexually. In fact, on fathers day morning, she offered and i said, "only if you're actually into it', which prompted a huge argument.
I've expressed my concern that it was only in the morning, before she gets up to go to the bathroom, and she doesn't do anything. At first she said it was because she was stressed from huge piles of work at work, then it was because i lost so much weight i feel different. She used the weight excuse for almost a month. When we had the blow-out the other night from WW not showing me her electronics, she said she didnt use the weight excuse. The weight excuse was ACTUALLY referring to my comment that she awkwardly tried to figure out what to do with her hands.
NOW, it's because she needs to be emotionally connected to me.
OY VEY


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swizzle, the Seinfeld reference was perfect, actually. I'm trying to take that "hand" away from her.
The funny thing is, when the original A was in full swing, she seemed to pull a 180 on me. She never iniyiated "i love you", never asked for or accepted my help, basically ignored me. It was torture!
I've been doing that, in the last few days. Tonight she offered to make dinner for me and i declined. She was baffled. I said i was just going to have yogurt to start. She offered to cut up a banana and wash some blueberries. I said i might have a whole banana after the yogurt.
This is killing me. She acts really happy when i let her do something for me


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWh needs the emotional connection too. I don't doubt you've ever forced anything upon her at all! I, on the other hand, really enjoy sex and don't need the connection to enjoy it. It does make it difficult.

That said, you've come so far and done such a great job. I know right now you are sort of in a "fake it till you make it" situation, but with every day that passes it will become more real and less fake. Keep that in mind as things get difficult. I know it is hard to imagine but you will come out of this ok! :)


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course she does. She is puzzled. She doesn't understand--she can't compute how you've gone from desperately wanting to save everything to basically a nice "eff you". That is the problem--when the bafflement wears off, it will turn to outrage. "How dare he not want me! Everybody wants me. Fuck him! I'll show him." It is just another common reaction in the book.

The more disinterested you are, the more she will cling (until she breaks. Then you get the tantrums and petulance.)

The good thing about that is after time, you really will become disinterested. It won't be just an act. Once you see the shenanigans act out before you, it is a lot easier to detach. It becomes quite ridiculous.


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Swizzle nailed it.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If that is what I can expect, I'm dreading it. So much pain already.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to release the kracken!


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been following the thread. Kudo's for sticking to the 180 - which is really hard. But with each successive day you get a little more time where it doesn't bother you as much.

It was amazing what happened after I went a week. That feeling of desperation - which was all encompassing, actually began to fade.

The one thing I would emphasize is the 180 isn't really about winning her back in my opinion. It's learning to make your happiness not depend on other people.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:15 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 302 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And remember, the one behavior you want to see from her near the end that will indicate any chance to fix your M is remorse. Tear gushing, snot slobbering, outpouring realization of the damage done to you, the kids, the family, and the M. Until you see that, she doesn't get it.
Every behavior between now and then is all about her self preservation and her own best interest, which got her into an A to begin with.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
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