I'm still on the other side of the room, BTW.
Stomach again in knots. Ugh.
sticking with it.
I understand wanting to feel wanted and loved--you deserve both of those things. But she is not capable of giving you that today. It would be cheap and you would feel disgusted after the fact. Been there, done that before he pulled his shit together. I felt so used and there wasn't even sex and that point. It made me feel desperate and like the 2nd choice.
You are worth a true partnership where you are both loving and respectful. Don't forget that.
I get it. As I said to someone in a private MSG, if I were to sit next to her right now, she'd put her arm around me and kiss me. I want that so badly.
You also need to look at her electronics without her throwing a temper tantrum.
You could have her make your dinner, cut your banana, hug you, and be very sweet to you, but ask to see what she has been emailing and its time for duck and cover type anger.
I'm still on the other side of the room from WW. She will go to bed soon. I'm going to stay up and work on my paper for class (can't believe I'm taking a tough college course during this). The 180 continues...
As desperate as I feel, the 180 is washing the stench of desperation off of me.
I predict I'm going to be on SI ALLLLLLLL night.
Craig, she will not give in. The next time I ask, will be when I serve those papers, most likely,
I have to say you are doing well. I'm impressed.
IMO, one thing to keep in mind is that in some ways your WW is like an animal now. Her while world view is dominated be her feelings and instinct for survival and disconnected from rational views of right and wrong.
The hovering is in some ways just an emotional impulse to deal with the situation. She wants feelings of calm and normalcy, she hoovers you. She wants feelings of joy and giddiness, she texts OM.
BTW, have you ever heard of Match.com? I was feeling like you once. I signed on to the site to see what was out there. Lets just say there are a lot of fish in the sea. Fear of being alone: gone.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:02 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
I'm working on this paper, due tomorrow. Every time I take a class, my world is turned upside-down. This time it;s been right hand surgery (I'm right-handed), my grandmother died (spent half the week driving to and from the East Coast, and caught my WW in an A.
With no prompting from me, my WW came downstairs, gave me a goodnight kiss (i made it a non-lingering one), and she APOLOGIZED for being the biggest factor in my being so behind in my schoolwork.
That is the SECOND time today she referenced the A, as opposed to the last month and a half of not acknowledging it at all!
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:16 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
Problem 1 - I am not a cheater. I couldn't even cheat on my cheating wife. I've never cheated in my life, not even back in high school.
Problem 2 - If somehow I could; getting caught would have bad implications including, potentially affecting custody.
It cant hurt to look for the sake of taking some of the hopelessness away, though.
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:47 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
Crisp: I am well aware that my comment sounded harsh. I never once said he forced himself upon her. He was very clear about that. I was merely stating that "obligatory" sex was just going to do more harm than good. I am sure I am not the only one out there that would acknowledge that it would build resentment on both parts. I believe that if both parties felt that resentment, than both parties would be disrespected.
Part of that harshness comes from my own relationship issues during my fWH's EA. I could tell my fWH had withdrawn emotionally, but he still wanted sex. I was usually not into it (on an intimate level we had become estranged due to his A) and had "obligatory sex". After the A came to light I realized that by doing so...I disrespected myself and had resentment towards him for being so pushy when I clearly was not into it on an intimate level. Honestly, during the A it seemed like all he wanted me for was sex. He ignored me, our children, and M on the emotional level and day to day lives. But, I might add that on many days I was really just so exhausted from being a STAHM to an infant and toddler with an absent father/husband to have the energy to have sex and enjoy it at the same time (that was something I identified with your WW). Though you would know more if it was due to OM or her exhaustion from work/life.
Regardless, it sounds like she is beginning to thaw out a bit...I wouldn't be surprised if she is the one to cave in first. (kiss goodnight-sounds like a good start) Though be wary that it may be all about the chase with her. Once she gets the attention, she may 180 back to A mode again.
Kudos for making it a week. If she is having an A,than it is probably safer for you anyways.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:20 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
My brain knew I'd be fine, but somehow I need to actually see the profiles to feel it.
EDIT: In retrospect I know that browsing OLD sites can be a risk especially when you're in an emotional state. For me it seemed fine. I have no desire to start a relationship any time soon. If you think you're vulnerable, I'd avoid it.
[This message edited by mhca at 12:09 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
FWIW, I got my MBA during all of the fall out. You can do it!
Another person will not make you whole. You have to do that yourself.
IC, IC, IC
That doesn't mean go browse OLD sites...but it does mean that it's very empowering to realize that your worst fears are just that--fears. They aren't based on reality any more than the childhood fear of a monster under the bed.
like I stated above, i'm not interested in getting involved with anyone else, E or P. I logged on to reassure myself that there is the slightest possibility that I won't be alone for the rest of my life after this nightmare is over. I can't imagine my WW changing her tune, so I'm faced with the sad reality that this will most likely end up in D. I shut down my profile after looking.
thank you. That's all that this was about; reassurance.
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 6:32 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]
She is falling over herself to help me this morning. I haven't seen this behavior in at least a year.
I have to be honest, my mind was seriously trying convince me that she's ready to be affectionate and nice, and close...
This 180 business is torture.
I didn't give in. I barely hugged back.
Are my accounts about this annoying? Should i be writing a journal instead?
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 6:45 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]
I understand that right now, these are very confusing times. Your WW, if nothing else, has noticed a difference in your behavior, and is reacting to it. Whether her motives are selfish or selfless have yet to be determined.
But the bottom line is that trust is not being rebuilt. Unless she can understand that honesty, transparency, and empathy are needed to be given freely in a marriage, then you have no chance of getting back to where you want to be. Her actions are that of a remorseless spouse---do not be swayed by an offer of sex...or a holding of your hand. She needs to take deep, unprompted actions to find out why she was able to do what she has done to you. She needs to understand your pain...and try to help you through it. She needs to understand that while you love her like crazy, you can't settle for the current status quo.
Personally, my recommendation to you is to (1) continue the 180....if for NO OTHER REASON than to learn to overcome your fears. You are so scared of losing the life and wife that you had(believe me--I understand this FULLY), that you feel powerless. And while divorce may not be what you want, you will come to realize that it is not the worst outcome...otherwise, you should be happy right now that your WW is still in the house with you.
You deserve better. I really hope that the "better" that you deserve comes from your WW. I hope that she gets her "aha" moment in the very near future, and realizes what she potentially lost. The only problem is that she has to have this revelation on her own. All that you can do is protect yourself.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D