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Still Cheating At Work

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deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 19:28 PM

I get it. As I said to someone in a private MSG, if I were to sit next to her right now, she'd put her arm around me and kiss me. I want that so badly.

I'm still on the other side of the room, BTW.

Stomach again in knots. Ugh.

sticking with it.

redsox13 posted 7/12/2014 20:02 PM

I know you have a bad hand - but I found taking walks helpful - just getting out of ww presence was useful.

swizzlestick03 posted 7/12/2014 20:05 PM

But you really don't. You want your old wife, which I get. But the person sitting next to you is not her. The person sitting next to you has hurt you repeatedly KNOWING she was doing just that and NOT CARING one bit.

I understand wanting to feel wanted and loved--you deserve both of those things. But she is not capable of giving you that today. It would be cheap and you would feel disgusted after the fact. Been there, done that before he pulled his shit together. I felt so used and there wasn't even sex and that point. It made me feel desperate and like the 2nd choice.

You are worth a true partnership where you are both loving and respectful. Don't forget that.

craig2001 posted 7/12/2014 20:28 PM

I get it. As I said to someone in a private MSG, if I were to sit next to her right now, she'd put her arm around me and kiss me. I want that so badly.
Of course you want that, but don't forget, you also want and need to know who the hell she has been texting or emailing with all night.

You also need to look at her electronics without her throwing a temper tantrum.

You could have her make your dinner, cut your banana, hug you, and be very sweet to you, but ask to see what she has been emailing and its time for duck and cover type anger.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 20:36 PM

Swizzle, I'm going to be 49 next week. I agree with you 100%, but honestly, I'm afraid I'll never find someone else. Again, I'm holding myself to the 180. The thought of being alone is mortifying and making my eyes well up, as I type this.

I'm still on the other side of the room from WW. She will go to bed soon. I'm going to stay up and work on my paper for class (can't believe I'm taking a tough college course during this). The 180 continues...

As desperate as I feel, the 180 is washing the stench of desperation off of me.

I predict I'm going to be on SI ALLLLLLLL night.

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 20:41 PM

RedSox, I agree. If it wasn't raining, I'd be doing that right now!

Craig, she will not give in. The next time I ask, will be when I serve those papers, most likely,

MC_Jack posted 7/12/2014 21:01 PM

...then stay on SI all night...

I have to say you are doing well. I'm impressed.

IMO, one thing to keep in mind is that in some ways your WW is like an animal now. Her while world view is dominated be her feelings and instinct for survival and disconnected from rational views of right and wrong.

The hovering is in some ways just an emotional impulse to deal with the situation. She wants feelings of calm and normalcy, she hoovers you. She wants feelings of joy and giddiness, she texts OM.

BTW, have you ever heard of I was feeling like you once. I signed on to the site to see what was out there. Lets just say there are a lot of fish in the sea. Fear of being alone: gone.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:02 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 21:05 PM

You guys are so spot-on.
WW just went to bed. I've kept my distance. If she wanted a kiss goodnight (as brief as I'd make it), she'd have to come downstairs.

I'm working on this paper, due tomorrow. Every time I take a class, my world is turned upside-down. This time it;s been right hand surgery (I'm right-handed), my grandmother died (spent half the week driving to and from the East Coast, and caught my WW in an A.

With no prompting from me, my WW came downstairs, gave me a goodnight kiss (i made it a non-lingering one), and she APOLOGIZED for being the biggest factor in my being so behind in my schoolwork.
That is the SECOND time today she referenced the A, as opposed to the last month and a half of not acknowledging it at all!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:16 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 21:15 PM

I havent looked at any dating sites. Maybe I should, just for some optimism. Before I found SI, I had looked at cheating sites like Ashley Madison, and considered going to bars to try and find someone to help me transition away from my WW.

Problem 1 - I am not a cheater. I couldn't even cheat on my cheating wife. I've never cheated in my life, not even back in high school.
Problem 2 - If somehow I could; getting caught would have bad implications including, potentially affecting custody.

It cant hurt to look for the sake of taking some of the hopelessness away, though.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:47 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

hopefulmother posted 7/12/2014 22:01 PM

NO...don't look. If she saw that, it would either make her angry or she may double her energy into her A. She would most likely attribute your 180 as you having an A yourself.

Crisp: I am well aware that my comment sounded harsh. I never once said he forced himself upon her. He was very clear about that. I was merely stating that "obligatory" sex was just going to do more harm than good. I am sure I am not the only one out there that would acknowledge that it would build resentment on both parts. I believe that if both parties felt that resentment, than both parties would be disrespected.

Part of that harshness comes from my own relationship issues during my fWH's EA. I could tell my fWH had withdrawn emotionally, but he still wanted sex. I was usually not into it (on an intimate level we had become estranged due to his A) and had "obligatory sex". After the A came to light I realized that by doing so...I disrespected myself and had resentment towards him for being so pushy when I clearly was not into it on an intimate level. Honestly, during the A it seemed like all he wanted me for was sex. He ignored me, our children, and M on the emotional level and day to day lives. But, I might add that on many days I was really just so exhausted from being a STAHM to an infant and toddler with an absent father/husband to have the energy to have sex and enjoy it at the same time (that was something I identified with your WW). Though you would know more if it was due to OM or her exhaustion from work/life.

Regardless, it sounds like she is beginning to thaw out a bit...I wouldn't be surprised if she is the one to cave in first. (kiss goodnight-sounds like a good start) Though be wary that it may be all about the chase with her. Once she gets the attention, she may 180 back to A mode again.

Kudos for making it a week. If she is having an A,than it is probably safer for you anyways.

MC_Jack posted 7/12/2014 22:17 PM

I referred to because it is a legit OLD site. Ashley Madison is not as we all know. I noticed merely that there were a lot of single people looking for REAL relationships. So again, lots of fish in the sea for when I became SINGLE.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:20 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/12/2014 23:02 PM

Just got off Not looking for anyone; again, i don't cheat. It WAS very cathartic, though. One of my fears when it comes to sticking up for myself with WW, is the fear that once I get over her, I'll never find anyone else.
Having a look reassured me that once this mess is over, if we don't R, there are plenty of women in my area, looking.
I don't want anyone other than my WW. I want to grow old with her, but if she doesn't change her cheating ways, it's good to know I stand at least a snowball's chance in hell, of eventually meeting someone else.

healingroad posted 7/12/2014 23:14 PM

I got on for the same reason. To assure myself that if it's over with WW that there are indeed many fish in the sea. Seeing a bunch of pretty faces and reading a bit about them was enough to assure me. I closed the account without ever doing anything but reading the profiles and looking at the pictures.

My brain knew I'd be fine, but somehow I need to actually see the profiles to feel it.

EDIT: In retrospect I know that browsing OLD sites can be a risk especially when you're in an emotional state. For me it seemed fine. I have no desire to start a relationship any time soon. If you think you're vulnerable, I'd avoid it.

[This message edited by mhca at 12:09 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

swizzlestick03 posted 7/12/2014 23:25 PM

49 isn't old at all! As you get through this process, the nice thing is being able to assess what you really want and need in a relationship going forward. I know it is hard to imagine, and whether it is your wife or in a new relationship down the line, you will be able to really build the relationship you need.


FWIW, I got my MBA during all of the fall out. You can do it!

worried_lady posted 7/12/2014 23:34 PM

For gosh sake get healthy and finish this relationship before you get on a dating site and drag a possible single decent person into the pile of crap you have going on.

Another person will not make you whole. You have to do that yourself.


norabird posted 7/12/2014 23:50 PM

It's very hard to contemplate losing a relationship and partner when you are used to having both and being single is scary. But, for one thing, being single is preferable to being with someone who is actively hurting you! And it's also not as scary as you think it is.

That doesn't mean go browse OLD sites...but it does mean that it's very empowering to realize that your worst fears are just that--fears. They aren't based on reality any more than the childhood fear of a monster under the bed.

Stay strong.

deceivedguy posted 7/13/2014 06:30 AM

I can barely concentrate on this one class. I'm seriously impressed that you earned your degree during that time. I don't know how you focused, but that is amazing!

like I stated above, i'm not interested in getting involved with anyone else, E or P. I logged on to reassure myself that there is the slightest possibility that I won't be alone for the rest of my life after this nightmare is over. I can't imagine my WW changing her tune, so I'm faced with the sad reality that this will most likely end up in D. I shut down my profile after looking.

thank you. That's all that this was about; reassurance.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 6:32 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/13/2014 06:40 AM

180 in the morning;
WW and I both got up early this morning. WW hinted about sex, a couple times. She keeps asking if there is ANYTHING she can do for my hand. She emphasizes the word 'anything'.
I declined her offer to go 'back to bed' and i declined her offer to cook me breakfast.
She sat down next to me on the sofa, as i booted up my computer. She hasn't just sat down next to me in a long time. She looked at my hand, and put her arms around me for a big hug.

She is falling over herself to help me this morning. I haven't seen this behavior in at least a year.

I have to be honest, my mind was seriously trying convince me that she's ready to be affectionate and nice, and close...

This 180 business is torture.

I didn't give in. I barely hugged back.

Are my accounts about this annoying? Should i be writing a journal instead?

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 6:45 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

crisp posted 7/13/2014 07:09 AM

Not annoying in the least. Keep plugging away. Your posts, and the responses to them, help you AND the many newly hurt who are searching for help and don't know what to do. Some of those silent people will even sign up and share their stories.

jb3199 posted 7/13/2014 07:18 AM

If you feel that journaling would be beneficial to you, then by all means do it. But, I still think that you should be posting everything here too...if you are comfortable with that. Remember, the more information that we have, the more that we can possibly help you decipher what is going on.

I understand that right now, these are very confusing times. Your WW, if nothing else, has noticed a difference in your behavior, and is reacting to it. Whether her motives are selfish or selfless have yet to be determined.

But the bottom line is that trust is not being rebuilt. Unless she can understand that honesty, transparency, and empathy are needed to be given freely in a marriage, then you have no chance of getting back to where you want to be. Her actions are that of a remorseless spouse---do not be swayed by an offer of sex...or a holding of your hand. She needs to take deep, unprompted actions to find out why she was able to do what she has done to you. She needs to understand your pain...and try to help you through it. She needs to understand that while you love her like crazy, you can't settle for the current status quo.

Personally, my recommendation to you is to (1) continue the 180....if for NO OTHER REASON than to learn to overcome your fears. You are so scared of losing the life and wife that you had(believe me--I understand this FULLY), that you feel powerless. And while divorce may not be what you want, you will come to realize that it is not the worst outcome...otherwise, you should be happy right now that your WW is still in the house with you.

You deserve better. I really hope that the "better" that you deserve comes from your WW. I hope that she gets her "aha" moment in the very near future, and realizes what she potentially lost. The only problem is that she has to have this revelation on her own. All that you can do is protect yourself.

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