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Still Cheating At Work

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steppingup posted 7/9/2014 11:26 AM

My wife acts the same way during sex. What you have to consider is that they feel many feelings about sex that we dont. They feel ashamed they feel uneasy they are not sure what to do, they might even be having a psychological event where they are thinking of their lover and seeing you, they are crossing swords in their mind and since it is possible that they care for you but are not in love with you sex can be just a chore. that is where we are are me and the WW. I had sex with her the other night and as usual since the DD came out, it 100% my effort and zero on her. She doesn't typically try to orgasm and if she does, she does then just heads out to the shower with out a word. If I try to talk about it (the sex) she rolls over and goes to sleep. It sucks, and what is very funny is that when people cheat they never realize how fucked up everything becomes. The fun they had will never compare to the f-ked upness the rest of the world becomes. It never works out well, eveyone always loses.

Splitter posted 7/9/2014 11:37 AM

Deceived, you won't be ending your family by divorcing your wife. You will be starting a new, healthier family. Your children should be free to live without infidelity poisoning their home. They learn about romantic partnerships by watching you and your wife, how you behave together; so make good decisions for them if you can't for yourself.

Best wishes.

deceivedguy posted 7/9/2014 14:11 PM

I am going to ask to see her electronics, work ipad, work laptop, cell phone.
she will most likely say no.
Any advice if she says no?

I just read the 180 list. if i were to implement it, should i hold back from asking to see her electronics?

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 2:15 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

OK now posted 7/9/2014 14:15 PM

What the SI folks are saying that your current marriage problems don't necessarily mean you will divorce. You have to change something or your wife will just continue to cheat far into the future. She has a stable family life with exciting lovers on the side and she likes it. All she needs to do is devalue you, treat you with contempt and blame you for all her problems.

You have to change something.

Sitting around protesting and complaining will not influence your wife to stop cheating. You have to force her hand by presenting her with dire consequences, so she has to backtrack and change her attitude towards her family. She loves her current life; stacks of ego-stroking validation, exciting sex, passion, romance, flirting etc. Why in heavens name should she stop? Unless you force her to end her cheating. Therein lies your problem and posting on SI is a good way to find a solution.

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 14:23 PM

She absolutely will say no

At that time you tell her you are not continuing in a marriage with three or more people .
if she does show you it means she is using a burner phone or other e mail
You have let this go on too long and it IS going to be more difficult to stop it.
She is going to refuse to cooperate at all until you see an attorney and she sees some consequences so be prepared for a lot of denial or outright refusal to discuss.
In my opinion you really do not need her electronics to head for an attorney. it will keep going on in the meantime. She has such little respect or fear of consequences from you that she dresses in her 'fuck me' clothes and parades right out in front of you.
You are in for a big fight and if you pursue it with the hope of nicing her back you can forget it.
If you are not ready for war, you need to go to IC yourself and hope they can help you how to live in an open marriage.

Brandon808 posted 7/9/2014 14:25 PM

she will most likely say no.
Any advice if she says no?
That's up to you really. The question is what are you prepared to do? How far you prepared to go? Are you willing to risk losing the M to save it?

Bottom line is that if your WW isn't willing to be transparent and help your healing then you won't have genuine R.

deceivedguy posted 7/9/2014 14:27 PM

We just had an argument over the phone. i was blown away at the fact that, after all of our discussions about triggers, she wore a tiny skirt to work this morning.
She used to wear business attire, then after the A, she wore social clothes that made her look good. Sexy clothes.
She wanted to know why i was upset when she left the house and i told her.
Our discussion led to talking about how, now that we are having sex again, she is not participating at all. her previous excuse was the fact that i lost a lot of weight. I confronted her on that BS and she changed it to "i need to make an emotional connection with you again.".
ugh.
I was going to ask to see her electronics when she got home tonight. She will probably say no, leaving me to make some choices.
INSTEAD, should i just do the 180 plan?
I think I can handle it.

Sal1995 posted 7/9/2014 14:32 PM

I am going to ask to see her electronics, work ipad, work laptop, cell phone.
she will most likely say no.
Any advice if she says no?

Yes, hire a divorce lawyer. "No" ain't an option, my friend. It's like your kid saying no. She's behaving like a spoiled, selfish, immoral teenager. Right now, you're the only adult in the relationship, in an emotional sense. You're the one who has been betrayed, humiliated, and emotionally abandoned.

Her way of doing things has left your marriage on the brink of ruin, so now she needs to play by your rules.

What's the most you can lose - a cheating wife? It's better to insist on a transparent, faithful wife.

You deserve better than this. Gently...grow a pair. No simply isn't an option.

naivegirl posted 7/9/2014 14:32 PM

I think you need to ask her to see it and look over the cell phone bills. You should also have all her passwords. If she says no or delays then you have your answer. After that detach and implement the 180.

deceivedguy posted 7/9/2014 14:37 PM

I'm looking for an attorney. Maybe i should wait to see the electronics until i secure a lawyer. Do the 180 list until then, and try to detach in the meantime.
any thoughts?

thanks, everyone. i dont know any of you, but im starting to feel empowered, little by little.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/9/2014 14:44 PM

I personally think you need to do both. Ask her to see it. Explain why complete transparency is needed in order for any sort of R to happen. If there is no transparency, then you know she is still actively involved in the A. Tell her she shattered all trust and it's her responsibility to re establish that trust. She has to hand them over without saying let me think about it, walking away and deleting everything. If she does not show it to you on the spot, let her know that you have your answer. If she hesitates and seems like she might, give her a gentle nudge and tell her your in the process of buying software that will restore all deleted texts and emails. Yes, there is software out there that will do that for you. Not 10% effective but it will do the job. If she still doesn't give to you on the spot, let her know that she has given you her answer and that she is still actively involved in her A.

Progress with the attorney no matter what to at least get the ball rolling. It can be stopped at any time.

AND do the 180.

ETA - look for that software that is compatible for your wife's type of phone. Start now.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:45 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 14:45 PM

Deceived,

YOU ARE WEAKENING.!!!

The 180 is fine.


THE CONFRONTING AND DEMANDING TRANSPARENCY comes first!!!

You will not win this without arguing.

Brandon808 posted 7/9/2014 14:45 PM

Maybe i should wait to see the electronics until i secure a lawyer. Do the 180 list until then, and try to detach in the meantime.
any thoughts?
Yeah, don't wait. Get an attorney now. Supposing your WW does let you see her electronics. You still had to ask. She still dressed in a way that triggered. I get that you don't want to dismiss any positive signs. However, you don't want to put so much significance into any given gesture that you don't consider all of the other things she is or is not doing to help your healing.

norabird posted 7/9/2014 14:46 PM

Take it one step at a time. Just keep moving forward. Don't let her be able to continue dictating the terms. You can do this--and you must.

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 14:59 PM

Deceived.

If i were you when she walks in and puts her purse down, i would not say a word. I would walk over, take her cell phone (DO NOT ASK FOR IT- she is going to say NO and delete anything on it once you ask).

i would then get in the car and tell her you are going to the phone store or Best Buy Geek Squad to get everything opened up. Her reaction will immediately tell you what is on it.

You need a shock and awe approach to her. The meeker you are, the more she will try to intimidate you.

I would take a stiff drink if you drink and get my brass balls out and let her have it starting by wanting to know why she is going to work all of a sudden dress like she is going to a club to get picked up.

She has NO RESPECT for you. You must change that no matter how pissed she gets. if she does not get pissed you have not done your job.

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 14:59 PM

Deceived.

If i were you when she walks in and puts her purse down, i would not say a word. I would walk over, take her cell phone (DO NOT ASK FOR IT- she is going to say NO and delete anything on it once you ask).

i would then get in the car and tell her you are going to the phone store or Best Buy Geek Squad to get everything opened up. Her reaction will immediately tell you what is on it.

You need a shock and awe approach to her. The meeker you are, the more she will try to intimidate you.

I would take a stiff drink if you drink and get my brass balls out and let her have it starting by wanting to know why she is going to work all of a sudden dress like she is going to a club to get picked up.

She has NO RESPECT for you. You must change that no matter how pissed she gets. if she does not get pissed you have not done your job.

deceivedguy posted 7/9/2014 16:33 PM

You all are really good at reading me. I was,discussing this with a friend of mine and she asked what it would take for me to get angry with my wife. Do I ever show anger?

I haven't showed that side of me. Even when I got her to admit to the affair, I was angry, but completely rational.

I have been scared to death of losing my wife. I guess I keep rationalizing her lies and actions.

Nitrobob posted 7/9/2014 18:15 PM

You are not being rational. You are being emotional, we all were.

You are afraid of losing your marriage. Gently..it's already gone.

The question is, what is likely to work to get it back, if that is what you want.

Clearly that can't happen until the A ends, and without the cell phone, you don't know.

So rationally, you grab it, leave her yours so she can make calls, and pay someone to break in if you can't guess the password. See a lawyer and file for D. She has to be asking you to stop D, and when that happens you set down the rules.
That is the way this has to be played out. What we are telling you is that this is the only thing that works, and it worked for me. I learned it here, from the same damn people who are teaching you.

You might end up D. Fine. But take your best swing at the ball brother. Women are attracted to strength. As long as you are pining after her because you can't bear life without her, you will lose. That is rational.

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 18:32 PM

You are not being rational. You are being emotional, we all were.
You are afraid of losing your marriage. Gently..it's already gone.

The question is, what is likely to work to get it back, if that is what you want.

Clearly that can't happen until the A ends, and without the cell phone, you don't know.

So rationally, you grab it, leave her yours so she can make calls, and pay someone to break in if you can't guess the password. See a lawyer and file for D. She has to be asking you to stop D, and when that happens you set down the rules.
That is the way this has to be played out. What we are telling you is that this is the only thing that works, and it worked for me. I learned it here, from the same damn people who are teaching you.

You might end up D. Fine. But take your best swing at the ball brother. Women are attracted to strength. As long as you are pining after her because you can't bear life without her, you will lose. That is rational.

Well said by nitrobob. read it more than once.
Me 55
WW 45, 3PA, 1EA over 7/13-9/13 DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

keptmyword posted 7/9/2014 18:37 PM

Deceivedguy,

Do I ever show anger?

Your fear, anguish, and heartbreak are suppressing your anger.

Admit to yourself that you are scared, stunned, and heartbroken - and that NONE of this is your fault.

Then, let it all turn to anger. A controlled anger - and use it.

Take on a cold, steely, and determined demeanor.


I have been scared to death of losing my wife. I guess I keep rationalizing her lies and actions.

You have already lost your wife.

The wife you use to know is gone. The person you are legally married to right now has reverted to a fairytale because she can't cope with the reality of herself. She sees herself as a damsel in distress, you as the villain keeping her locked in chains, and the adultery-partner as the knight-in-shining-armor to her rescue.

She will continue trying to keep this alter-world going as long as there are no consequences.

It is long past the time to knock her back to reality.

You must wage a scorched-earth war against her.

Hire an attorney and file for divorce immediately. File for child support, spousal support, and custody of the children.

Put all this in the divorce filing, file it with the court, and have her served AT HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT.

When she sees the Notice of Petition for Dissolution of Marriage, signed by a family court judge - she will be cast into a world of REAL consequences.

THEN, and ONLY THEN might you see some actual change.

Get angry and release the fucking Kraken.

craig2001 posted 7/9/2014 18:38 PM

You are afraid of losing your marriage. Gently..it's already gone.
The old marriage is gone. There can be a new and better one. But a lot has to come together in the right way.

But you can never go back, ever. Once this trust has been broken and you have been lied to, you can never go back to the way it was.

I like the idea of exchanging phones with her. You have nothing to hide and according to her, she has nothing to hide.

Maybe all married couples should have an exchange a phone for a day each month.

You do need to find out what is going on, without knowing exactly what is going on, you will be dealing with this in a reactive way and never quite feel like you are in control. And that is a terrible feeling as you now know.

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