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Still Cheating At Work

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Salt posted 7/13/2014 19:25 PM

DG,
Get a script for some xanax So when you feel overwhelmed like you do right now you can calm down. Good for you for not drinking. If you have a Tylenol PM take that to settle down.

REMEMBER TO BREATHE. Slow deep breaths. It's going to be OK. You are going to be OK. You really are.

You have the VAR, you will put it in her car tonight when she is asleep.

Remember, it's going to be OK.

redsox13 posted 7/13/2014 19:27 PM

Breathe you are going to be fine. It is going to get better, and probably faster than you know.

You are doing great - so much better than I ever did.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/13/2014 20:23 PM

Get a script for some xanax So when you feel overwhelmed like you do right now you can calm down.

This ^^^^^^, or Valium, for the times you're really feeling the anxiety bad. It helps, a lot, during the really rough anxiety times.

deceivedguy posted 7/13/2014 22:26 PM

Thanks. I need anti anxiety meds.
We were watching Psych and one of the characters broke up with a cheating spouse or someone they were dating, and out of the blue, i lost it. And I was panicking because my WW and girls were sitting there. Among a million other thoughts, this will be over soon. My family will be over. No more. My WW totally f-ed up my and my girls lives and we didnt do anything to deserve this!
I didnt want to seem distraught a) so my girls didnt worry and B)because i'm doing the 180 and i didnt want my WW to know i'm falling apart.

For my hard-ass friends here, i didnt cry in front of her. still doing 180.
WW called while I was on my way home, to ask where i had gone. I told her i gassed up the car and drove around for awhile to sort some things out.
Came home and played cards with WW and one of my girls.
At bed time I layed down next to WW and the first thing that crossed my mind was, regardless of what has happened and what is most likely still happening, i will probably never have sex with my W again.
I immediately got up to go downstairs. WW asked if i'm okay, and if she had done something. I just said I have to go work on some college assignments.
And here i am, crying again as I type this.
This isn't fair, i didn't do anything wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:15 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

healingroad posted 7/13/2014 22:41 PM

This isn't fair, i didn't do anything wrong....

It wouldn't be fair even if you had done wrong things.

Badhurt posted 7/13/2014 23:00 PM

Deceived,

This will be over shortly as far as getting so e answers on where she stands. You will NOT get anything off her computer because I am sure someone as manipulative as her is covering her tracks, especially if she has noticed you doing the 180.
You are so close. Don't back down now. Your only chance of her respecting you again is to stand up to her and fight the fight and she may realize what she will lose because of her actions .
You cannot sweep this under rug or the sick feeling will never go away

deceivedguy posted 7/13/2014 23:21 PM

mhca,
i agree. what a rotten thing to do to someone.

badhurt,
I've stuck with it. All of my emotions are let loose in private.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:23 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]

Salt posted 7/14/2014 00:21 AM

It sucks DG. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this. Bad things happen to good people. Good people suffer all kinds of loss. Whatever is served up, we must find a way through. That's our responsibility. To show up with integrity and values.

After I threw ex out I had to have three very difficult foot surgeries. I was unable to walk, had to stay off my feet for 6 weeks each surgery, then crutches for another 6 weeks, a boot for another couple of months. 3x. Major complications after each surgery. They each had to be done a year apart.

I was alone at this point, he left my house and went to hers…. My ex 'friend'. Husband of many years just vanished. I had a few friends who stepped in to help me after the first couple of days but I was on my own for months each time and it was rough. At several points I just felt that I could't find meaning to my life. What was the point of my life anymore? Relationships had always been so important to me, but without my central person I just felt like a rudderless ship.

I read at lot during that time. Viktor Frankl, Man's search for meaning was one of the books. Talk about suffering…Nazi concentration camps. I learned a thing or two reading that book that have stayed with me nearly every day since. I learned a friend of mine who came from communist Romania had read the book too, and one day she quoted a passage from it on FB. When I read the passage I replied, Viktor Frankl, to her surprise. How does one find meaning in the depths of despair. It certainly put my suffering into perspective. And gave me wisdom in how to handle it.

You will be OK. Just remember that.

deceivedguy posted 7/14/2014 00:45 AM

Thanks Salt
My head is just spinning around right now. I don't know what happened. I have managed to stick to 180 and act indifferent and confident. All of a sudden, i felt just like i did when i found out, before i told WW i found out.
i may sleep on the sofa. i'm feeling very vulnerable and in the off chance WW offers sex, i cant say with confidence that i'll turn it down.

I can't believe i feel like this again. The pain never completely went away, but now I'm back to feeling hopeless, and knots in stomach tighter than ever.

I don't really have any friends nearby, except a mutual friend of WW snd mine. I had considered telling them so i had someone local i could hang out with, but i don't know what a good protocol would be, in this situation. I might be putting them on the spot because they are friends with both of us. They are very cool, though.
i don't know, I can't think straight.
Thanks so much for the support.
Still 180
appt with lawyer on Tues

Badhurt posted 7/14/2014 00:59 AM

Don't tell anyone. Big mistake!!! They will tell her and everything you have done will be meaningless.
Gently, I am telling you Tuesday is very close, you will feel empowered on e you have the papers in your hand. Then you decide when she gets them.
I disagree with some of the others on some things. If you could just fuck her brains out without falling apart it would make her think she is back to normal and lower her apprehension at the change in your behavior.
But a I am advising you not to do that because you will not control yourself and you may even confess to everything you are planning.
YOU CANNOT DO THAT.!!!!!

Now gentle 2x4. Stop crying, you have done too much of that and if you don't stop what she is doing you will cry yourself to sleep and have that not in your stomach every day when she walks out the door.
Go back to the store tomorrow morning and get the correct VAR

Badhurt posted 7/14/2014 00:59 AM

Don't tell anyone. Big mistake!!! They will tell her and everything you have done will be meaningless.
Gently, I am telling you Tuesday is very close, you will feel empowered on e you have the papers in your hand. Then you decide when she gets them.
I disagree with some of the others on some things. If you could just fuck her brains out without falling apart it would make her think she is back to normal and lower her apprehension at the change in your behavior.
But a I am advising you not to do that because you will not control yourself and you may even confess to everything you are planning.
YOU CANNOT DO THAT.!!!!!

Now gentle 2x4. Stop crying, you have done too much of that and if you don't stop what she is doing you will cry yourself to sleep and have that not in your stomach every day when she walks out the door.
Go back to the store tomorrow morning and get the correct VAR

deceivedguy posted 7/14/2014 01:10 AM

Badhurt, i get it. Believe me, the crying has gotten old. i'm trying to put myself back in the state of mind i was in this morning. Getting support from everyone here, combined with 180 made me feel stronger than i had felt since before i first suspected the A.
Our friends are older and very mature and worldly. They never speak to WW. I can see your point though. if i were to talk to them i wouldn't tell them my game-plan though. Actually, you made me realize that i may have f-ed up. I asked them for the lawyer referral. If they did ever bump into WW, they might ask about my "friend" who was looking for a divorce attorney. i totally trust them. i'll have to think about this. i feel like i should spill the beans and ask them to keep it in the vault. i know them well enough to know they wouldnt say anything.
Damn, this day/night just keeps getting better!

Salt posted 7/14/2014 01:11 AM

Don't tell anyone. Badhurt is right.

It's normal to have this kind of spike. If you just sit with it, it will fade. It will not last and you will feel stronger each time you stand your ground. Don't give in. You are not alone. It's going to be OK.

Get to the Dr. tomorrow and get a script for xanax asap.

Salt posted 7/14/2014 01:15 AM

Don't tell them DG. They won't ask such a question and even if they did it won't matter by then. You are giving yourself excuses to blow your cover. Not good.

Just sit down, breathe, focus on your breath and relax. It's going to be OK. You don't need to talk to them you can talk here. Important you keep your own counsel right now.

Sleep on the couch, give yourself space if you need to.

deceivedguy posted 7/14/2014 01:28 AM

okay, i can't argue with two of you suggesting keeping it to myself.
Thanks again. Looking forward to sleep, if i can get there. I hope tomorrow I'm back to progress mode!

thank you!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 1:29 AM, July 14th (Monday)]

Salt posted 7/14/2014 01:39 AM

Good. You won't have to keep silent forever. Just for now.

In addition to an mba I spent 6 months studying hypnotherapy. You can bring yourself down to sleep.

Here's what you do to help yourself sleep:

Get comfortable. Take some slow deep breaths in…then out. 3-4 of them.

next, as you slowly inhale, then exhale, count yourself down from 10 down to one, with the number on each exhale. So breathe in slowly, then slowly exhale count the number 10 on the exhale. Breathe in slowly, then slowly exhale count the number 9 on the exhale. Keep doing this til you get to the number 1. Notice you are more relaxed than when you started.

Then begin at 10 -1 again. If intrusive thoughts enter, just breathe them out of you slowly, and continue counting. Depending on the circumstances it might take several iterations before you drift into sleep. Don't give up, it will work.

deceivedguy posted 7/14/2014 05:52 AM

Thank you, salt. I believe that helped, last night.
Things don't seem quite as bad this morning.
Weekday mornings, especially Monday, are a trigger for me. I'm guessing that's because WW is getting ready to go to the place that has essentially been her dating service for at least six months; WORK.

OK now posted 7/14/2014 06:39 AM

Don't automatically expect your marriage to be over when you start laying down your boundaries to your WW. We talked about the need to regain her respect or she won't stop her cheating. You do this by being tough, strong and unyielding

You are in a fight for your marriage and your personal strength will be the determining factor as to whether you succeed or not. If your wife understands that you are really prepared to divorce, you've just about had it up to here with her contempt, and you have really reached the end of the road with her disrespect and blatant cheating, then she may very well back down. You would need to reach a method of accountability so you know what she is doing throughout the day; you might even insist she changes jobs.

Fundamentally you have to approach the showdown with ruthlessness; be prepared to risk all to win. When you threaten divorce, no tears, just a cold, implacable demand that she bends the knee or its all over and you will grind her cheating ass into the ground. Get fucking angry right now and convince yourself with a 100% certainty that you win this confrontation, by either dragging her to the divorce courts, or by her acquiescing in a submissive manner.

You can do this; the power lies with in you to take control of your marriage.

deceivedguy posted 7/14/2014 07:03 AM

OKnow, I'm working on that attitude. I had it, then turned back into a bowl of jello.
Today is a new day. Tomorrow, i have an appt with a lawyer.

craig2001 posted 7/14/2014 08:03 AM

It doesn't seem like you have hit the anger stage yet. Anger can many times give a person motivation and resolve to get something fixed once and for all.

You obviously know your wife is lying because she wont even tell you the guy's name and that is very disrespectful in the least.

You wonder who else.

You need her to as they say, own her shit, in other words take real responsibility for what she has done. Right now she wants nothing more than to sweep this all under the carpet. And you know that cannot happen without the truth and complete transparency.

She asks you last night if she had done something wrong...She really doesn't see the huge magnitude of the wrong she has done and is doing.

I doubt she is having any kind of EA at this time, she is too nice to you. But a PA is possible if anything. PA and being nice to you is normal and it is called compartmentalization.

Once you learn what has and is going on, you can then confront her with complete proof, maybe then she will see.

I would imagine she already KNOWS what the hell is wrong with you. Amazing how she is ignoring the elephant in the room.

deceivedguy posted 7/14/2014 08:21 AM

I don't have proof that she is currently having the same or a different A.
As with the original, there are little details that cause me suspicion. And the fact that she refused to let me look at her electronics (iphone, work ipad, work laptop).
She flat out denies that she is having an A now.
I was doing fine all week with 180, until last night. Something snapped and I reverted to anxiety, fear, sadness, and all of those wonderful emotions I felt before DDay.
Today, I'm starting from scratch.
Tomorrow, I see a lawyer.

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