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Still Cheating At Work

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allatsea posted 7/15/2014 06:29 AM


I see a lot of people on here encouraging you to file for divorce as this may be the stick that gets WW to reconsider her actions and behaviours.

I don't see it, I'm afraid.

Please don't file if your sole reasoning is to win her back. You should file because you can no longer tolerate sharing her vagina with another penis. She is rug sweeping and will not appreciate you filing for divorce. This will likely piss her off.

You should file - But do it to save yourself. If the marriage can be saved as a side benefit, then great. But don't expect your WW to suddenly wakeup. I'm speaking from my direct experience.

I realised that I wasn't prepared to share my wife with another man.

..and when you get the urge to sleep with your wife try remembering that she's not doing it because she wants and loves you. Remind yourself that you are putting your dick where she regularly puts another dick. And she's probably thinking of him too.

I know I sound coarse and harsh. But what she is doing to you is coarse and harsh. Don't sugarcoat it.

Best of luck

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:32 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

OK now posted 7/15/2014 08:50 AM

Excellent post allatsea. I remember your awful ordeal at the hands of your un-remorseful, actually vicious, wife.
If anyone has the experience to give this advice it would be you.

deceivedguy posted 7/15/2014 16:33 PM

180 - starting over and a confession (from me)

Sunday night - After a week of building strength with 180, a trigger from a TV show caused me to fall into a downward spiral that invoked more pain and hopelessness than I've felt since before DDay,

MONDAY Morning - WW offered to fool around, and I accepted. It was a weekday morning, I was in a totally mentally f-ed place. Against all the advice here, against the 180 I've been working so hard at, against what I knew was the correct answer to that offer, I accepted.
For the first time in 6 months, she actually participated. It wasn't like old times, but she seemed into it. I know this was most likely a result of my keeping my distance. I didn't feel remorse from it, more confused and depressed.
Because of one of my triggers, WW asked for my approval for the outfit she picked out for the day. That was new.

The thing is, I'm not ready. Money, the house, the kids...I didn't want to end up living in a studio apartment, working at 7-11 graveyard shift, visiting my girls every other weekend...
I don' know if that is really how things would shake out, but I don't know anything.

MONDAY Afternoon - Went to a doctor who prescribed XANAX and an AD generic version of Celexa).

I took a Xanax and it calmed down my rising anxiety.

MONDAY Night -
TODAY - I went to an attorney. He would only give me a half hour for free consultation.
My chances of custody are 50/50, my chances of child support are dependent on custody of course. I have a small chance of alimony. I've been a stay-at-home dad for 8 years because my wife asked to return to the workplace.
This lawyer didn't paint a very optimistic picture.

Today I'm lost, looking to start another 180. Maybe, it'll help me find direction again.

I just wanted to be honest with you all, as you've spent so much time helping me. I feel like the biggest loser on earth right now. I don't know what to do.
My wife is acting loving, without a lot of intimacy. She seems more willing to talk about the A.
But she won't show me her electronics which means she has secrets, of course.

I'm lost.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:13 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

Schadenfreude posted 7/15/2014 16:43 PM

Seek the opinion of another lawyer. Don't waste the lawyers time with the sad tale of unrepentant infidelity. The lawyer has heard that to many times already.

Focus on work,/family history, earnings, the fact that you are a dinosaur in your field right now, support for you duringretraining/updating and child support. And custody.

Guess what? You won't get supported indefinitely without a plan to update your IT skills. Have you looked? Night school,at local,CC might crimp her style,,too.

deceivedguy posted 7/15/2014 16:45 PM

...and I didn't post the above, for pity or to feel sorry for myself. I felt like I was gaining control of myself, then it all imploded in a matter of minutes.
I don't know if WW is still cheating, but my gut (or experience and jealousy) tell me she most likely is...

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 4:53 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/15/2014 16:47 PM

Schadenfreude - in regards to attorney consultation, I'm all business. No emotion.
Don't have another attorney lined up yet. hoping for referrals

And, infidelity is NEVER used in Illinois unless children were hurt as a direct result. Basically not a factor.

and i can't afford this yet. will have to get help from friends and family
$240/hr, 2800.00 retainer

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 4:52 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Jduff posted 7/15/2014 16:52 PM

Is it WH or WW?

Anyway, jump back on the 180 wagon. We all have fall off and get back on. It's getting back on that's important.

craig2001 posted 7/15/2014 16:56 PM

My wife is acting loving, without a lot of intimacy. She seems more willing to talk about the A.
But she won't show me her electronics which means she has secrets, of course.
Amazing how they can confuse us to death. Your gut feelings could be right or just so screwed up from being lied to, you can't be sure.

Look for more solid evidence to back up your gut feelings...if there is more. One day of the VAR is not enough of course.

It just makes no damn sense, she is willing to talk about the affair, but not give up her passwords.

You say she is willing to talk about the affair, how can she talk about the affair, if she wont even tell you who it was with?

Has she even told you who the OM was?

Get her some books to read like Not Just Friends. As long as there are secrets, there can be no marriage, at least not a comfortable one. Have you thought about MC...I wonder if a good MC would advise your wife to give up her passwords. So many times the WS does not want to hear their BS tell them things, but when they hear it from someone else, then it is different.

Snoop as much as you can, find out.

You need to get power back, and that would probably mean getting back into the work force, in your field. Start looking around, put out feelers, call your old company and coworkers.

And talk to more attorneys.

deceivedguy posted 7/15/2014 16:57 PM


I had the wrong abbreviation stuck in my head from reading posts for the las half hour. thanks, again

deceivedguy posted 7/15/2014 17:02 PM

Craig, we just fired our MC. She was enabling my WW and rug sweeping. When I caught my wife in a lie that could have been significant, the MC said we cant move forward if I keep bringing up the past. Her attitude was, WW already admitted to the A and said there is not another one... we need to move on...
(and she would ask WW if she felt ambushed when i brought up things that might be clues to potential new or continuing A)

WW did give me the name of the OM, my gut or jealousy tells me their may be others.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 5:04 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

craig2001 posted 7/15/2014 17:20 PM

WW did give me the name of the OM, my gut or jealousy tells me their may be others.
Okay, I thought your wife just gave you the name of some guy at work, some random name and you found out it was not that guy.

Be careful with that VAR, if she finds it the crap hits the fan.

That MC did a ton of harm and set back R by about 100 years, and people like that have no business at all in the MC business. Rug sweeping causes so many problems, especially future affairs.

Have you asked your wife to take a polygraph test. She refused to give you access to her electronics, how about a nice simple lie detector test.

Badhurt posted 7/15/2014 19:17 PM

I thought you knew who OM was. Maintainance guy at work not near her office you said. So this is another one she have you name of???
The first thing any MC should be telling your wife is is that there are no secrets after infidelity. Any other attitude is not acceptable and you establish that up front.
You have got to take the Xanax and calm down. The VAR needs to stay in car and you are going to give it away by panicking and getting weepy the minute you hear something you don't like .
If you read a thread on JFO called The Unthinkable and he had to endure a ton of devastating conversations but only knows what he knows now because he did not divulge it was there.
Yes she is going to get pissed if she finds it but aren't you pissed at what she is doing to your life right now.

worried_lady posted 7/15/2014 19:53 PM

I know you can't work right now until you heal but you can start making applications and trying to get something lined up. Getting a job can take a while and even if somebody wanted to hire you tomorrow you have the option to say you can't start until a certain day.

Start the process now and stop sleeping with her. Sleeping with her does more than just getting your rocks off. It pulls you back in and messes with your mind. Stop it. You can go more than a week without sex.

[This message edited by worried_lady at 7:54 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/15/2014 21:00 PM

Yes, OM was maintenance guy in her office building. I still feel there is someone, but I don't necessarily think it is him.
I'm now getting my intuition, jealousy, and contextual clues, muddied with clues I thought I had, but became unsure about.

I definitely have to start 180 from scratch.
I thought I had this!
Worried_Lady, you're right. I had turned down offers during the last week. Actually, not so much turned down, as acted disinterested and otherwise preoccupied.
Yesterday morning I was weak and lost. The Xanax is making me tired. I'm not planning on living on this stuff, but if it helps me avoid being tempted by sex for a few days, I think it'll help me get some emotional strength back.

YES... she is probably still cheating again, but I need proof to throw it all away. I felt really good last week when i was focused on myself and my girls.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:13 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

Badhurt posted 7/15/2014 21:18 PM


Just remember. Every time you go out to check the VAR you risk her catching you. And you risk leaving car unlocked or something like you posted. You have to be calm when you replace it, and no matter what you hear , you cannot go running I. To confront her or you risk blowing your cover as long as she does not know it is there.
My guess is from your last posts is that she is having sex with one of the lunch partners that she spends time with out of office alone with.
She is toying with you asking you to now approve her work outfits. The slut outfits were where her thoughts are. Now she thinks she is pulling wool over your eyes by asking you for approval. She thinks that makes you more "stupid" when you appear to buy into it.
Not sure if you need to check VAR every day unless it can't store much conversation.

hopefulmother posted 7/15/2014 22:51 PM

I feel the same, I think she is just pulling the wool over your eyes and getting her ducks in a row to continue her A's underground.

hopefulmother posted 7/15/2014 23:00 PM

P.S....don't feel bad or guilty for falling off the wagon. The last thing you need to do now is feel bad about that with SI...we don't care. We know what it is like and have all been there. Just get back on and try again.

Damn I would need to take anxiety meds just to deal with the stress from the VAR. That is a really bold move. I know that would I sneaked peeks at my fWH text messages while he was in the shower when I started to suspect an A, I nearly threw up from the anxiety and suspense of it all.

But, I am confused as to what you want. So, you just want to make sure if she is or isn't having an A? What about the simple fact that she refuses to share the electronics after being caught in one A? That in itself is not transparency and grounds for calling it off for most BS. Do you really need her to be in another A or do you need her to already be transparent now? I am not saying you need to divorce. You do need to take control and decide what it is you really need and will no longer tolerate.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:01 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/15/2014 23:44 PM

In my heart, I want R with WW.
The fact that she won't show me her electronics tells me she is hiding something... affair(s), flirts, sexting, badmouthing me...
I confronted her, she refused to show them to me.
There's nothing I can do about it except threaten divorce. After my first consultation with an attorney, that is a scary prospect at the moment. I need to find a job. Im 49 years old tomorrow, stay at home dad, out of IT for 8 years, except for a little part-time database gig. I'm not as marketable as I was, but I'm going to keep looking.

If I confront WW about electronics again, it will be a blow out fight and she will act like an a-hole to me, and i still won't get to see them. If I find SOMETHING to base my current fears of another or continued underground A, i will feel better about threatening with divorce.

Ultimately, I want to believe there is not an A and I'm just suffering fallout from acknowledged A, as well as fallout jealousy. I know that she most likely is, or will, based on experience from SI members.

I want R or proof of another A and the strength to end this pain.

deceivedguy posted 7/16/2014 01:03 AM

I should add, if my gut is right and WW is hiding another A, she is doing it well. She is acting like her normal self.
If I leave everything alone and just act normal myself, it will be ozzie and harriet, unless i find out she is having another A.
I'm confused right now.
It's exhausting.

jb3199 posted 7/16/2014 05:49 AM

The thing is, I'm not ready. Money, the house, the kids...I didn't want to end up living in a studio apartment, working at 7-11 graveyard shift, visiting my girls every other weekend...


We understand this. The fear can be paralyzing. The best way to overcome these fears are to (1) stop beating yourself up about any lapses, and (2) start the task of disengaging again.

You know that she is not of reconcilable material right now. She is not transparent, and is not interested in easing your pain. as long as you act like everything is OK, then her behavior is fine---because that is EXACTLY what she wants. But you know better than this.

I agree with Craig2001. Get Not Just Friends, and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair. It is a shot in the dark, but maybe something will resonate. Don't bank on it, but being that you are not ready to dissolve your marriage yet, you can still get these books WHILE you continue to detach.

You have more strength than you currently believe. Don't be afraid to stand up for what is not only right, but what should be expected in a solid, loving marriage.

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