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Still Cheating At Work

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Schadenfreude posted 7/16/2014 06:15 AM

Divorce is not a tool you use to threaten the WS. If you file you need to be prepared to get divorced to leave infidelity behind you as life in infidelity with an unremorseful WW is worse than life without her.

Otherwise she'll rightly see a threat of divorce as another empty threat safely ignored.

Where is a hint of remorse? I don't recall you posting anything about it. Without that she's likely to have another A whenever some OM starts pushing her buttons.

Use this truce to get retrained or updated. You won't have a better chance. Sure it will be hard work for you but it will be harder when and if you separate. Spend her money on tuition. And your nights at school are nights she must spend at home

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 6:22 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Badhurt posted 7/16/2014 06:18 AM


If you can manage to not blow your cover with the VAR, eventually if she is having an affair with someone she works with you will hear something. It is doubtful their only communication. Is work computer.
Your gut is right. A woman working in the corporate world does NOT have an affair at work, go from conservative business suits to miniskirts for no reason, and then absolutely refuse a basic tenet of rebuilding trust. Any responsible MC dealing with infidelity should be telling your wife this.
You are a lot more technically skilled than a lot of woman who have no careers or give up one for child rearing and the get divorced and survive.
I think a lot of this has to do with your concern about being alone physically and that is why you are willing to tolerate her behavior for regular sex.
As far as her acting normal. That is why infidelity is so devastating . Because the cheater acts normal. Your wife has the perfect set up for doing this and is taking advantage of it.
You have to decide what you want to do. You can just accept what she is doing, and tell her it a ok for her to continue what she is doing to you or you can bear the pain and take action.
My guess is if you kissed her and told her you were ok with what she is doing and she can have other sex partners is that should would hug you, thank you, and promise to keep you happy. If you wanted to you could probably trick her into a confession that way.
You just need to understand that she has out you in a position where there are no painless choices.
She is going to go absolutely ballistic if she discovers the VAR so if you are afraid of that you better remove it.
The fact is what another poster said to you . She is refusing to do what is necessary to help you regain the trust. So you are in for a long time of wondering is another man is in her before you.
Do what you can live with, but you posted here because the current situation is driving you crazy. It will not end on its own.
I disagree with giving her books to read if you want to catch her. She is much more likely to make a mistake and slip up if she thinks you are sleeping at the wheel.

Shockleader posted 7/16/2014 06:52 AM

The thing is, I'm not ready. Money, the house, the kids...I didn't want to end up living in a studio apartment, working at 7-11 graveyard shift, visiting my girls every other weekend...

I'll be 48 in a few months, and let me tell you how it was for me. I was an unemployed SAHD to help my ex prosper, was at one time the training director for a pretty big company, ex military officer... Guess what... After I hit the go button for D from my POS cheater, I did not care if I lived in a refrigerator box. I fucking mean it! I was done with the disrespect, done with living with a person hell bent on destroying me, done with seeing a person who willfully destroyed two families have zero empathy or concern for the pain she caused, done with having her gaslight me in front of my DD, harming our great relationship, done with taking anymore shit/shit sandwiches from a morally bankrupt POS. I was FUCKING DONE, and knew any hardship from then on would have to be faced, because I had no option if I wished to be the true person of honor I was. I was very afraid, but my resolve, conviction in the face of fear pushed me along, and somehow I carried on.

Everything I owned fit in less than a 14 foot U-haul loaded by me in a few hours, and I was on my way to my moms. So going from living in 4000 sf homes, to my old boyhood BR, still unemployed, and my DD staying with her mom SUCKED... But at least I was away from the drama and could fight hard to free myself from POS and her toxic aura. A little while in I got a job (PT @ $7.50/hr refueling and cleaning aircraft), got my own apartment, sighed up on OkCupid to start dating, and my situation and mood was improving, even if I did not see it. All of my fears that I would never have my own place, never get a job, and a huge one of never finding a decent women to share time with were all FALSE. Sure, my situation was and continues to not be ideal, but I am very grateful to be away from a terrible person, and free of the daily gut wrenching situation.

My D was final, and what a great feeling to not be under the yoke of being with an unrepentant cheater! DD is now at college in her second year, Ive been dating a fantastic caring lady for over a year, and every day I try my best to be a better person, especially to myself. I say myself because like you, my codependency was far more concerned with the happiness of others, than being equally concerned with ourselves. I wrote this long post to show you that another fella in a very similar pattern/situation can do it, and so can you. As others have said, and I think I told you when we talked, fear is what really kills our actions and allows us to bargain with ourselves shit we would never put up with normally.

Clarity for you will come, so will anger and loss of action by virtue of fear... You know by her actions she is not being straight with you, you know she is a bold liar, she loves TT, you know she has the ability to try and at least attempt to 'fix' what she has caused, yet all she can do is muster anger in the face of your suffering??? Let the fear go; you are in a situation that staying in although in some way 'comfortable', will kill your self respect and dignity... Scorched earth my friend, and demand she be a part in your healing/potential R, or that she not be in your life. Don't give her one friggin inch or weasel room. Good luck, we all care about you here on SI.

Jduff posted 7/16/2014 08:10 AM

Im 49 years old tomorrow, stay at home dad, out of IT for 8 years, except for a little part-time database gig.

All you need is a foot in the door, anywhere, any position, and you can get the training free at the company that hires you. Every place I worked in IT had training and education programs to get their IT staff up to speed on the latest and greatest. Once you're back in the field you will quickly have that opportunity to expand your skill set, so don't worry about being behind the knowledge. Get in at support call level 1 if you have to.

craig2001 posted 7/16/2014 09:03 AM

Happy Birthday. And no doubt this makes everything the more terrible. I remember my birthdays during and after the affair. Ugh.

Anything on the VAR?

And yes, get her those books mentioned and make her read them. It is past time she own her own shit, time for her to realize just what is going on with you and exactly what she has done.

Is your wife normally a stubborn person?

Otherwise, I can see no reason she would hide the electronics. Usually, after an affair and with nothing left to hide, the former WS is more than happy to show their emails, texts or anything in order to prove to their BS there is nothing going on.

Have you confronted this maintenance guy at all, if for nothing else to see what he says and if it was even him.

FrmrBH80124 posted 7/16/2014 11:03 AM


Happy Birthday! I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this crap. You've been given some great advice by others so I don't have anything to add.

Best of luck!

hopefulmother posted 7/16/2014 11:24 AM

strength to end this pain.

It will happen. It just takes time. Either sooner from 180 or during the 6month mark (not sure when that is for multiple A BS) and the anger phase hits.

When you get angry, you will not care about pissing her off with any requests. You will simply get to the point where walking on eggshells is ridiculous. You will realize that you don't even know if the WS you are R with is even worth an ounce of your time.

Hope it is soon for you too and Happy Birthday.

deceivedguy posted 7/16/2014 12:38 PM

Thanks everyone!
Weird coincidence regarding the books; last night i realized i never cancelled my trial subscription so i logged on to cancel it.
The website gave me a recommendation for "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". My WW doesn't rally understand what I've been going through. Even if she doesn't give a crap (as evidenced by all the times she sat there cold as ice while i explained my pain, pre-DDay).
I know there is a human, a shred of the real her in there. I am going to give her that book and "not just friends..." by Shirley glass.
i want her to know that I'm working on R, without her knowing that underground, I'm building my strength, researching lawyers, and getting daily doses of reality from you all here at SI.
There are two main people she talks to on the way to/from work. She actually said a couple of nice things about me. Disturbing though, she explains to one person how she gave up everything for the kids and she never wanted to have kids because of that.
If she agreed to give me full custody today, I would be in heaven!

Thanks for birthday wishes. 49 sounds old to me, but ifeel like i'm only a few years out of high school.

I'm focusing on my girls and schoolwork today.
I need a day of being alone to try wrap my head around this mess.

I was considering telling my WW, if she won't show me electronics, i need her to take a polygraph. That happened when she first admitted to A. She first gave me false name. I researched the guy and said i need her to take polygraph. She agreed at first, then before i made the appt, she gave me OM's real name, and the fact that he worked in her giant office building, but not near her office.

Jduff posted 7/16/2014 14:23 PM

Disturbing though, she explains to one person how she gave up everything for the kids and she never wanted to have kids because of that.
If she agreed to give me full custody today, I would be in heaven!

Note that in your journal for later. IF you do get to a point where D is inevitable, point out to her that "Your career seems to be very important for you right now. You might consider letting me have full custody of the children so that you can really spread your wings and pursue your dreams. Of course, you will still be able to visit the girls while you are climbing up the corporate ladder. I would never keep you from visiting them."

I mean hey, if she is that easily swayed into having sex with another man, surely you can sway her to give up more custody.

craig2001 posted 7/16/2014 15:54 PM

Keep listening to the VAR and document what you hear and when.

Were you able to confirm that it actually was this OM. And does a maintenance man even make sense. How would he have met him if they worked in different buildings.

You say she is willing to talk about the affair, does that mean she is answering every question you ask her? Do the answers make sense.

Don't ask her about another polygraph yet, save it and use it later. When you have more information. It sounds like the next time she will tell you more in one of those parking lot confessions.

About being 49 and HS was yesterday. Times goes by so fast it is scary.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/16/2014 16:06 PM

Disturbing though, she explains to one person how she gave up everything for the kids and she never wanted to have kids because of that. If she agreed to give me full custody today, I would be in heaven!

Very interesting.

Were you aware that she felt this way?

My XWW felt/feels similarly, although she's never fully acknowledged it to me or to herself. This information is gold.

If it comes to D, here is a Possible scenario for you:

--She provides you with child support and alimony.
--You share legal custody, but you have a primary physical custody. (that's what I have, btw. She sees the kids three weekends a month. The rest of the time they are with me.)
--You work part time to make the extra money you will need.
--you and the kids stay in your current home, which will minimize the impact on the kids

This is all to say that 50 - 50 parenting my be the norm, but it does not always have to be that way. The way to work around it is to get her on board with the plan. If she and you agree to the terms, the judge will likely approve it. Why wouldn't he / she, you know, particularly since you have been the primary caregiver.

deceivedguy posted 7/16/2014 16:59 PM

WW never mentioned not wanting to have kids until this week while being stressed out about our 12 yr old. She also mentioned "giving up everything" to be the provider, in a recent civil conversation we had.
She didn't give up anything...I DID!!! For her!

This is BULL$..T, folks. Eight years ago, I was the sole financial provider. One of my girls has JRA, so we agreed on one working and one at-home parent until college.
I was in IT (database admin/Dev, at the time). Prior, I did everything from helpdesk, to systems engineer..

When planning on moving back to the Midwest, my WW begged to go back to work. I explained that IT years are like dog years. The longer I'm out, the harder it'll be, to reach my current (at the time) professional status.
I had a potential gig lined up at a hospital, here however WW was really sick of spending all day with toddlers and continued to plead.
I finally gave in and gave up my career so she could go back to work.

She adamantly asked to go back to work. I gave up my career.
Until this mess it was worth it because i see my girls all day an do all of their school stuff and cook for them, and play, draw,read, go places, and etc etc etc.... nothing like it! I can't imagine NOT being their primary caregiver now!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:09 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/16/2014 23:23 PM

I don't have a lawyer (todays candidate sounded like a clock watcher), im practically unemployed so WW is more equipped to take kids because she earns the big bucks and can loosen her schedule.

Holy crap.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:10 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

Tom67 posted 7/16/2014 23:29 PM

Okay slow down what was said.
I will translate.
Just give what you want to disclose sorry man.

deceivedguy posted 7/16/2014 23:36 PM

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:11 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

Tom67 posted 7/16/2014 23:39 PM

Oh geez polygraph time or at least the threat of one.
I'll PM you

Salt posted 7/17/2014 00:41 AM

Patience DG,
It may be nothing. But with patience the truth will out. So truly you have been given good advice. Start looking into some fresh training for you. Get that going now. And keep the VAR in the car. Leave it in for a few days then pull it out so you don't risk it every night.

Remember to breathe. Patience. The truth will come.

deceivedguy posted 7/17/2014 00:55 AM

i am the most supportive husband you'll meet. still havent given her ultimatum or anything really harsh regarding A. Then at home she gives me bday card with rollercoaster, saying how we'll get through this.
she might just be venting to her friend. her sister is probably rooting her on to leave me.

i have nothing if this ends tomorrow. Gotta get my head clear.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:10 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

Tom67 posted 7/17/2014 01:00 AM


Use lithium batteries they will go for days.

stronger08 posted 7/17/2014 02:48 AM

Dude you are aware that this is 2014. You are entitled to SS and other financial concessions from your WW should you D. She wanted to be the bread winner and now she must understand that it came with strings attached. File for D and go for her throat financially. Let her file for full custody of the kids. Do you really think she will get it ? You have been the full time care giver and the courts do not like to upset the kids regimen. And how is she going to excel at her career while caring for kids full time ? She wanted to act like a modern woman and support the home. Well now she can be a modern D woman who has to support her XH. Use it to go back to school and get yourself more marketable in the modern workforce. Bottom line here is that she positioned herself to control the money. Once she had it she abused that position and started fucking the help at work. Now she is using that power to attempt to control your life some more. You are in the same position that millions of women have been in for years. They have rights and so do you. Things will not change unless YOU change them. Your giving the same excuses that many of the female BS give in similar circumstances. I'm telling you the same exact thing I tell them. You have rights and your WW has responsibilities. Enforce them now !!!!!

Bigger posted 7/17/2014 06:00 AM

I‘ve been rough on you before because I don‘t really see a plan.
Look – I know my advice can be direct and harsh but there is a reason for that. I truly believe that post-d-day we BS have to ACT. Even with what seems to be a truly remorseful WS and an ended affair we need to take action. There are certain actions that need to be done simply to ENSURE all is as is said.

You responded by posting your plan…

But are you following it?

You outline a plan that includes an attorneys visit, doing the 180 and so on. But yet you are reacting to her actions and remaining dormant in the pain she is bringing… See my tagline? Right now it IMHO really refers to you. You remain in misery because you select to do so. Frankly and brutally I don’t see you taking action or following through on your plan but I see excuses for NOT doing so…

OK – I’m not so naïve to think that simply deciding to D will make you feel all good and fine. No matter what you are in for a long, long haul. But I do think that once you decide to take action on a path that leads you eventually out of infidelity you are making progress. That decision isn’t necessarily to divorce – BUT it is a decision to NOT REMAIN IN INFIDELITY. That in itself might lead to divorce.

IMHO what has been your biggest issue is the darkness…
-WW gave you the name of OM but is there any way you can verify it?
-Does this man in fact exist? Is it a vague “Joe in Maintenance” or did she give you a name that you can find on the company web-page?
-Is she sacrificing a pew to save her king?
-Is it that Russian guy and WHY HIM? Why would a woman in a good position fall for Mr. Maintenance?

I have doubts about your wife being the office slut. I have doubts that she’s servicing the men one by one at the cooler. It has to be a very sick environment to allow such things. Yes – more or less in any office you will find people willing to take that step, but generally offices tend to be manned by normal people with normal ethics and normal reactions… The office slut tends to become ostracized along with the office gigolos. Even more so in a mixed environment.

Office affairs tend to take place in secrecy. If anything then work-partners tend to keep their affairs even more discreet at work than anywhere else. It’s a rare case where HR or a manager exposes an affair. It tends to come afterwards – once the affair is in the open or has impacted the work in some way.
But… because of the darkness and the secrecy you are in you are led to assume there is another OM, more OM, ongoing infidelity and all that.
This in turn leads you to be suspect of every conversation. So someone caught talking to her MIGHT be OM. A mention of 10 inches MIGHT be sexual innuendo. But it could also be that gay manager in production talking about how the new machine isn’t working.

And that’s what’s killing you slowly and steadily. THAT is your key problem IMHO.

So you found an excuse to not use that attorney. So have you got another one lined up? Is that another 2 weeks wait for action? Two weeks of wondering if she’s offering sex you can refuse and listening in on VAR’s?

Buddy – ACT! Stop reacting!
Go back to the advice I gave you on telling her that you are simply going with the fact the affair is ongoing and you are refusing to remain in infidelity until and unless she complies with your reasonable demands.

Chances are you can get a relatively clear picture of your rights in divorce online. Chances are that you can get a consult tomorrow or today. Even if not then laws and procedures will ensure your rights and there really is no prerequisite to have filed to start working out of infidelity.

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