Im sorry, but if you heard the man outside the car flirting with her, and he had a Russian accent, then it's the OM. The chances of there being another Russian man who works with your WW are pretty small...especially in rural Illinois.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Please hear what we are telling you.
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
In my opinion, he still should not have to run out and get a job. He has a job, one that his wife begged for. In this situation, just like if the primary caretaker was a woman, he should be able to support himself and children until he can get a new career going. That's going to have to be decided by the courts.
BUT, you do need to get your resume together, start networking, get on LinkedIn, get in touch with some recruiters, etc. ASAP. Get the ground work going.
I can assure you that your stories of skills obsolescence are overblown.
1. Work referrals for an attorney. Set up consults. You should be able to get several and you will get pretty knowledgeable in your interviews to select a good one. Find the most high-powered you can and keep a record of each consult. Each one you have is one your wife doesn't get to have because you paid them first. Ask each consult for a referral for another.
2. Keep doing the 180. Allow your wife to think you are slightly pacified, but not her pawn.
3. You should be able to leave the VAR in her car for up to 3 days. I did and it still had plenty of battery left. Best if you aren't checking everynight.
4. Install a GPS tracker. Observe and gather evidence, quietly.
5. Sign up for some new training for yourself in your profession. It will make you feel more confident and that's worth a lot.
And listen to other SAHD's. You will have to fight for what is right for yourself but that will always be the case, has always been the case. Don't be intimidated. I did it too, DG. I had been out of work for 8 years too....
I still don't see why you need proof. She had an A. She refuses to let you see her electronics, which no WS that wants their M and has nothing to hide would ever do. She is still having an A then. Plain and simple. Transparency = most likely no longer an A. Hiding electronics = having an A.
I get that you want to catch her in the act. But, seriously...her not sharing the electronics should be good enough to take more action. Give her the book how to help spouses heal and let her see why sharing the electronics is important so she doesn't blow a gasket. Not that it would guarantee anything. She will wipe it clean and take it further underground or create secret accounts.
I don't know- hire a PI to watch her walk to and from her car.
As for lawyers....I have not been able to get any referrals other than one who almost seemed lethargic. I can't afford to pay a lawyer for a consult. I'm going to have to start rolling the dice and set up consults with any lawyer who will do a free one.
I'm getting my resume in order and I'm going to ask my boss if he'd have anything full time for me. I do some Filemaker Database stuff for him, and don't like what I'm doing, but if it gives me enough for a decent living, i'll do what it takes. I really need to brush up on SQL and for the helluva it get A+ certified, for general desktop support, if I can find one.
I agree with Cissi... I don;t plan on living off of my WW forever, but I gave up my ascending career reluctantly. She had to ask and have a few conversations before I agreed because I didn't want to end up in this situation. That was 8 years ago. At that time, I knew that we'd be together forever, so I wasn't worried about getting back up to snuff when my girls were high school age (they are now 11 and 12).
I just had surgery on my hand. This has several implications. Filling out resumes for one. I can't even sign my name right now.
We are in debt and I don't have disposable income.
EXCUSES!!! I'm really not trying to use them that way. I just can't picture myself announcing D to my WW, who I'm sure will accept it. She controls the money because it's her paycheck. For summer, because I'm taking care of my girls, I make approx. $100/wk before taxes. I have to be realistic here.
I need to get my head in a place where I don;t give a sh#t what my WW is doing at work. That way I can concentrate on what I'm doing to get out of this mess. The 180 was working for me until I snapped, last sunday. If I can get back to that place, I'm golden. That way, my girls can have a normal life while this is going on.
Cissi, I can totally see my WW trying to claim abuse, and doing whatever she can to thwart support. The lawyer I spoke with, made it sound like it's not an automatic thing, and child custody isn't either. I totally trust the experience of all of the wonderful people here at SI, helping me. I just don't have any solid proof that I'm going to have my girls and support, so I need to set things up so i feel like i'm going to be somewhat secure. if i get a lawyer who can tell me what you guys are telling me, and has a good record, i'd be more willing to move forward.
i need to keep monitoring VAR because even though my "gut" hasn;t let me down yet, this is a huge move to base on a feeling. I'd like to be a little more confident that she is still cheating, before I make the move, to move on.
That being said, my world is so freaking upside down right now, I could end up doing a 360 during this attempt at 180.
I hear you all. Some say run, some say get a strategy in place. I'm taking it ALL in. This is the toughest situation in my life, and I grew up in abusive foster homes! Boot camp was as tough as a game of BINGO, compared to this.
Second, start getting yourself employable quick. Despite what Cissi, said, the court's do not treat SAHD's the same as SAHM's, despite what the law says they just don't . The sad reality is that family court's are biased toward women. SAHM's who are cheated on are looked at as victim's who need to be protected. SAHD's in the same situation are looked at as freeloaders who shouldn't be rewarded for their laziness and who of course got cheated on because they lost the respect of their overworked wives.
Your lawyer is right, custody and alimony are not a given in your case. It's sad, wrong, but true. Don't believe me? Go sit in family court for a week and see what happens every damn day.
She controls the money because it's her paycheck.
Are you able to see where the money has been going? Looking at bank statements is a great way to find out about affairs sometimes.
I understand the desire to find out what's happening behind your back and to learn more about the affair. But, at this point, it doesn't really matter. What DOES matter is what your wife intends to do about it. If she wants to reconcile then she needs to take the steps to accomplish that (and, with reconciliation, will come the "story" you're searching for). But if she doesn't want to reconcile and simply wants to continue having you live in misery, then YOU need to make some decisions.
First off, you need to stop with the BS excuses of why you haven't met with a half dozen attorneys by now. Most have free consultations and you should have met them all. You MUST know your rights. And, btw, it's complete bullshit that you wouldn't get spousal support - a SAHD whose wife makes 50, 100, 200K per year will get almost half that in support. There may be variations state to state but there's not THAT much variation. It will be her job to support you through the transition and she WILL be ordered to do so - go find an attorney and get this hammered out so you can stop worrying about it.
Second, there is something in this world called a credit card. Yes, I know you don't want to incur the debt... but, you know what? There are times in life that you MUST! If you own a house then you've probably incurred debt - good debt. Apply for a credit card and hire an attorney. I know it sucks - but this is a life changing event you and NEED representation.
And lastly (for now), STOP being so accommodating to your wife. She cheated on you. Let her know that THIS is going to be how it is from now on - at least until either you divorce or you are more confident in her actions. She gives you passwords and transparency to EVERYTHING - and if she refuses, if she gives you any pushback to ANYTHING that you need to feel comfortable - tell her to get the fuck out of the house. Let her feel the repercussions of what happens when a Mom decides to have an affair and isn't acting appropriately.
Stop worrying about your kids - they are going to be fine. They will either have parents who show them what it means to accept responsibility for their actions and work through a crisis.... or they'll learn that their Dad isn't a doormat who let their mom fuck him over. They will love you in a small apartment, in their current home... and they'll love you if you're living in a shoebox. What is most important is that you do WHAT'S RIGHT.
Stop being nice. Make a list of your requirements so that you don't stray off course in the conversation. Then demand it. Strength!
I'm trying to avoid contact and conversations although that's become tough as well, as she's starting to talk to me like a friend, again.
You know the saying, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer"? I feel like I'm doing that. As long as we are nice and civilized, she excels at being human around the house, and goes above and beyond. I want her to think that I'm moving on and trusting her because she;s careless and a terrible liar.
I am taking XANAX and an AD, to help quash my absolute and illogical love for her. Yes, even with the A. I don't mind being called pathetic. I have to earn my 180, and I will.
Stop worrying about your kids - they are going to be fine. They will either have parents who show them what it means to accept responsibility for their actions and work through a crisis.... or they'll learn that their Dad isn't a doormat who let their mom fuck him over
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 8:28 AM, July 18th (Friday)]
If I were to give WW an ultimatum right now, it would be dysfunction, 24/7.
Unreal...the crap these WS unload when THEY are the ones in the wrong. I can't wait for your hand to heal and to get out of that situation. From your posts, you really need to start covering your own ass. You paint her as the type to get her way all the time and basically abusive. She is going to put you through the ringer. You will need proof that you aren't abusive and everything else.
Sure hope you reach the anger stage soon, for your children's sake. So, they don't repeat this cycle of dysfunctional relationships. That in itself should make you angry. You don't want them to grow up to be bully's like your wife or to be bullied like you.
Keep up the 180, find that lawyer, and be careful with that VAR. Good luck this weekend.
Also know that what's important while you do the 180 on your wife, you show your love and devotion to your daughters. You seem to be doing that, and continuing to do so will assure them that regardless of what choices you have to make, whether it be separating and moving out to going through with divorce, they will know that they are NOT the reason for you make those choices. Change for kids is scary. You being a lighthouse for them in the pending shit storm will be very important for them. Prepare them the best you can.
What is most important is that you have a plan and that you are moving forward with it. As for your odds on getting what you want in terms of CS, alimony, custody, property, it really depends on how good that attorney is. One of my friends battled through two D's with both XW's who cheated on him. He battled through alcoholism, losing his job, and holding on to his house, fighting for custody for all three daughters (one from first marriage and two from the second). He went through hell but he pressed on. He ended up selling his home to pay for his attorneys fee but now has primary custody and CS of all three daughters who love him very much. One has just started college while the the other two are not far behind. He is now dating a wonderful woman, has a great job at a financial firm (started from ground level handling support calls), and taking courses at a private University. This man turned his life around in a major way, but he had to hit rock bottom first. The attorney he had at the time was just a few years out of law school and didn't know what he was up against at the time but took on the challenge stayed by my friend's side. This attorney now practices family law for professional athletes. He's damn good and damn expensive. He was the first attorney I sought consultation. I didn't hire him since I went the mediation route but he was my backup if my D went full blown contested and he gave me tons of free advice that quelled a lot of my initial fears. All four attorneys I consulted tell me the courts now look more into what is in the best interest of the kids. Use that as your guide and do and plan what's best for them as a single dad would. Show the court you have you daughters' best interest in mind should you D.
The point is anything is possible and it depends on how determined you are to go about your plan. As long as your are in motion, opportunities just have an interesting way of appearing. It's the stagnation of a situation that does more to destroy the will and the spirit. You've already taken some very important steps forward. Just don't lose your momentum. Whatever you do, stay vigilant in your plan. Make sure you have some steps to follow once you have your hard evidence. Like I said, it won't matter if your WW screwed the OM in the past or continues to do so now as the damage has already been done. She clearly is trying to control you and the situation and has no intention of leaving you right away, else she would have already filed for D herself. What she wants is to cake-eat and her "nicing" you is just grooming you for more cake. You're in the process of closing the infidelity bakery for good. You will get to that point of laying out your ultimatum, but I understand it is important for you to be able to execute the consequences immediately if the requirements are not met. But between now and that moment, use your time VERY wisely and efficiently. Document the times she is out of the house without explanation and her behavior with you and your daughters. Get as many steps ahead of her as you can before you decide have her served. Buy another VAR and keep that one on you at ALL times. You can use your smartphone too and get a free app to record. I've done that myself.
as she's starting to talk to me like a friend, again.
You are her buddy as long as you let her get away with what she already did do and might still be doing.
Have you confirmed on your own who the OM was in the first place?
Keep up the 180, next time she asks you what is wrong, just matter of fact tell her, she will not be open and honest with you. If she cannot share her electronics, than there is no really friendship. Obviously.
You need to empower yourself away from the current problems. Working on job connections will start to make you feel in power again. Right now, she has all the damn power, she works, controls the money and controls everyone's destiny in that house.
And I am certain that is the main reason you feel like crap and are taking meds.
Start working on independence and you will feel better.
And do not settle for a lethargic lawyer, they are the worst. And dont settle for the first rah rah lawyer either. They have a tendency to get your hopes way up and then way down when they settle for something far less than you expected.
Are there any former coworkers, or friends you can discretely that have been divorced that you can ask about their lawyers.