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User Topic: Still Cheating At Work
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take your time act stupid and happy and get your financial ducks in a row.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thats exactly the plan, Tom.
Just gotta make it through the tough spots. Tonight I had one. Getting through it though.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might get transparency, your wife could be playing tough guy until reality sinks in. Right now, it is hard to read her mind.

I like this advice:

Take your time act stupid and happy and get your financial ducks in a row
Dumb like a fox. Or like Colombo on TV. Just gather info and build your case.

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG, the way you describe your WW it's clear she is quite the narcissist. No matter her choice in life, if it doesn't pan out the way she expects it's someone else's fault. She's already putting the cross hair of blame on your girls. Be prepared if you find out that in the end that she would rather be "right" than married. I know. I married one of those types.

Your doing great.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 519 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While doing 180, I keep conversation to a minimum, I don't accept help from her (unless it's too obviously insane, like I can't open jars because of my hand right now), I'm avoiding sex, I don't initiate hello and goodbye "I love you", most of the time, etc, etc, etc...

I'm doing this to detach. Detaching helps lessen the pain while I get my resources and plans together. Look for a lawyer.

I've seen some interesting results from WW however, I'm obviously not acting like myself.

I'm trying to reach a point where I can do 180, but still act super confident, happy and content. I want her to feel as though I'm completely oblivious so, if she is still cheating, she'll be more likely to make a mistake.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JDuff, you are 100% correct. She is not going for R to specifically be with me, she's doing it partly to save face. If I initiate D, she will accept it, rationalizing in her head that SHE tried, but I caved and went for the D because I don't want R.
Whenever she is asked if she wants to save our marriage, she never says yes. She says "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to".
Never a simple yes.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to".

Gee, why doesn't she just say, "I really would rather be single."

So sorry.

Bring as much as possible up in MC. My MC sessions can be used in divorce court if I chose to use them.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Salt
♀ Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whenever she is asked if she wants to save our marriage, she never says yes. She says "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to".
Never a simple yes.

DG, I'm sorry. I know this hurts. It takes a lot of courage to walk this road you never asked for. But sometimes bad things happen to good people. Know that this isn't about you.


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked with WL talk with him over by there eh
MC is for lack of a better term mental masturbation at this point.

[This message edited by Tom67 at 9:03 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that D is inevitable.
This is going to destroy my girls.
I started looking at apartments in my area so my girls could go to the same school and be with their friends. My choices are slums and places I won't be able to afford.
I wish I could win the lottery so I could just end this. This has been the most painful freaking time of my life.
I hate my WW for doing this to us.
Giving up my career eight years ago to allow my WW to go back to work, was the worst decision I've ever made.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 10:57 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG

Calm down. The worst decision you could make is living for years more without your dignity or health, both of which are in jeopardy here. You are doing the right things .

Your kids will be ok because you are a great Dad . Kids come out of much worse situations and turn out fine. She will not get off scot free.

Concentrate on getting your resume together. This is so important because you are one job interview and offer away from greatly boosting your self esteem and ability to slog your way through this. I know it seems way out there but that is the goal. Strive for it.

Stay calm tonight. Keep listening to the VAR. It will probably be hard to catch her yourself because you would have to either get lucky or go there every day. You probably cannot do that

Try to stay strong


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. No, this can't last. I have to end this. D is inevitable.

F! F! F!
Well, at least I have my choice between Xanax and pain killers for my hand, for some possible rest tonight.
I really need to get to sleep, but I can't stop the wheels from spinning. Active brain. Too active.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:18 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, at least I have my choice between Xanax and pain killers for my hand, for some possible rest tonight.

We won't tell if you take both.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 643 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mhca...LOL
Going to bed next to WW.....Sounds like a plan!


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving up my career eight years ago to allow my WW to go back to work, was the worst decision I've ever made.

It wasn't the worst decision. You grew. Your character grew. You sacrificed yourself for someone else's happiness. You did what a loving and supportive spouse would have done. You got many years of building a strong bond with your children. Not many fathers could boast that.

Unfortunately your spouse took advantage of it and took you for granted. Not everyone is like this. Please don't let her selfishness sour you on your own humanity and everyone elses. Not everyone is like her.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
jagged
♂ Member
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG,

Following this thread, and thinking you're doing incredibly well so far. Our stories are remarkably similar in many ways, and as you'll find is disturbingly common around here, your WW sounds like a carbon copy of my XWW.

What I want to say to you is this: divorce was hard on my two girls, yes. It did not, however, destroy them. No.

Like you, I would have done almost anything to have spared them from the experience...almost anything. But not if the cost was becoming the man I didn't want to be: a weak, compromising, mistrustful, hurt and broken hostage to the emotional cowardice and bankruptcy of the person my XWW had chosen to become.

My daughters survived...and eventually thrived. I'm certainly a better father today, undistracted by all the bullshit I was dealing with in trying to save a marriage single-handedly. I'm the man I want to be, the man I want them to see. My relationship with my daughters is the most important thing in my life, and it's now 100% pure, if not perfect.

People here told me this from the other side, and I couldn't believe them...until I lived it. I'm two years out, and my daughters are strong, confident girls who have no doubts that both their parents love them, and that our divorce was not their fault.

True - I wish they had never had to go through the sad part...I wish the house hadn't burned down, to borrow a particularly succinct metaphor from this thread. But that wasn't my choice, and we couldn't stay in a burning house, and so I did the best by them I could, and we're all okay. In some ways, important ways, we're even better.

Stay strong, brother. You're going to make it, and so will they.

[This message edited by jagged at 2:49 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful,
I agree. It's just a regret in hindsight. I thought that I'd never get over losing my WW if it came to that. The longer I am with her post-DDay, the more I know that I will find someone else who honest, compassionate, and capable of love, like myself.
I told WW, I had a book I'd like her to read. I didn't tell her the name of it (How to help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair). Her response was, "I'll read it, but don't expect me to do anything in it".
She thinks that this is over and we should be moving on because she apologized to me, is nicer around the house, and leaves later for work and leaves earlier after work.
After a month and a half from DDay, she is tired of this and has no clue what she has done to me.
Still looking for a lawyer and a job.....

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 2:50 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Salt
♀ Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'll read it, but don't expect me to do anything in it".

Wow. What a coward. I hope you secure an attorney soon, DG. And I hope her consequences kick her ass.


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus DG, take some solace that they are truly all the same. My exPOS said upon a trip back to her hometown a week or two after Dday:

"Don't think this is some sort of pushing the reset button."

Also when I tried to have her read about how it feels to be a BS and what you as the cheater might do to help said:

"So it's all about you and what you need."

That's an exact quote BTW.

Honestly, bottom line, fuck them and and their sociopathic levels of non empathy. Starting to get a little anger brewing yet???


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I'll read it, but don't expect me to do anything in it".
She really has no clue at all what she has done and she has no clue that an affair really is a bad thing.

I wonder how she would feel about doing anything in that book if others were telling her what a real crime she has committed. Someone like her own mother or relatives.

From what I gather, you are the only one telling her what she did was wrong and bad and hurtful. So far, she has had it very easy.


Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jun 2002
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