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Still Cheating At Work

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Tom67 posted 7/19/2014 21:41 PM

Take your time act stupid and happy and get your financial ducks in a row.

deceivedguy posted 7/19/2014 23:09 PM

Thats exactly the plan, Tom.
Just gotta make it through the tough spots. Tonight I had one. Getting through it though.

craig2001 posted 7/20/2014 07:41 AM

You might get transparency, your wife could be playing tough guy until reality sinks in. Right now, it is hard to read her mind.

I like this advice:

Take your time act stupid and happy and get your financial ducks in a row
Dumb like a fox. Or like Colombo on TV. Just gather info and build your case.

Jduff posted 7/20/2014 08:52 AM

DG, the way you describe your WW it's clear she is quite the narcissist. No matter her choice in life, if it doesn't pan out the way she expects it's someone else's fault. She's already putting the cross hair of blame on your girls. Be prepared if you find out that in the end that she would rather be "right" than married. I know. I married one of those types.

Your doing great.

deceivedguy posted 7/20/2014 12:36 PM

While doing 180, I keep conversation to a minimum, I don't accept help from her (unless it's too obviously insane, like I can't open jars because of my hand right now), I'm avoiding sex, I don't initiate hello and goodbye "I love you", most of the time, etc, etc, etc...

I'm doing this to detach. Detaching helps lessen the pain while I get my resources and plans together. Look for a lawyer.

I've seen some interesting results from WW however, I'm obviously not acting like myself.

I'm trying to reach a point where I can do 180, but still act super confident, happy and content. I want her to feel as though I'm completely oblivious so, if she is still cheating, she'll be more likely to make a mistake.

deceivedguy posted 7/20/2014 12:43 PM

JDuff, you are 100% correct. She is not going for R to specifically be with me, she's doing it partly to save face. If I initiate D, she will accept it, rationalizing in her head that SHE tried, but I caved and went for the D because I don't want R.
Whenever she is asked if she wants to save our marriage, she never says yes. She says "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to".
Never a simple yes.

hopefulmother posted 7/20/2014 19:25 PM

She says "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to".

Gee, why doesn't she just say, "I really would rather be single."

So sorry.

Bring as much as possible up in MC. My MC sessions can be used in divorce court if I chose to use them.

Salt posted 7/20/2014 19:59 PM

Whenever she is asked if she wants to save our marriage, she never says yes. She says "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to".
Never a simple yes.

DG, I'm sorry. I know this hurts. It takes a lot of courage to walk this road you never asked for. But sometimes bad things happen to good people. Know that this isn't about you.

Tom67 posted 7/20/2014 21:00 PM

I talked with WL talk with him over by there eh
MC is for lack of a better term mental masturbation at this point.

[This message edited by Tom67 at 9:03 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/20/2014 22:55 PM

I know that D is inevitable.
This is going to destroy my girls.
I started looking at apartments in my area so my girls could go to the same school and be with their friends. My choices are slums and places I won't be able to afford.
I wish I could win the lottery so I could just end this. This has been the most painful freaking time of my life.
I hate my WW for doing this to us.
Giving up my career eight years ago to allow my WW to go back to work, was the worst decision I've ever made.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 10:57 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

Badhurt posted 7/20/2014 23:05 PM

DG

Calm down. The worst decision you could make is living for years more without your dignity or health, both of which are in jeopardy here. You are doing the right things .

Your kids will be ok because you are a great Dad . Kids come out of much worse situations and turn out fine. She will not get off scot free.

Concentrate on getting your resume together. This is so important because you are one job interview and offer away from greatly boosting your self esteem and ability to slog your way through this. I know it seems way out there but that is the goal. Strive for it.

Stay calm tonight. Keep listening to the VAR. It will probably be hard to catch her yourself because you would have to either get lucky or go there every day. You probably cannot do that

Try to stay strong

deceivedguy posted 7/20/2014 23:15 PM

Thanks. No, this can't last. I have to end this. D is inevitable.

F! F! F!
Well, at least I have my choice between Xanax and pain killers for my hand, for some possible rest tonight.
I really need to get to sleep, but I can't stop the wheels from spinning. Active brain. Too active.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 11:18 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

healingroad posted 7/20/2014 23:45 PM

Well, at least I have my choice between Xanax and pain killers for my hand, for some possible rest tonight.

We won't tell if you take both.

deceivedguy posted 7/21/2014 00:33 AM

mhca...LOL
Going to bed next to WW.....Sounds like a plan!

hopefulmother posted 7/21/2014 10:06 AM

Giving up my career eight years ago to allow my WW to go back to work, was the worst decision I've ever made.

It wasn't the worst decision. You grew. Your character grew. You sacrificed yourself for someone else's happiness. You did what a loving and supportive spouse would have done. You got many years of building a strong bond with your children. Not many fathers could boast that.

Unfortunately your spouse took advantage of it and took you for granted. Not everyone is like this. Please don't let her selfishness sour you on your own humanity and everyone elses. Not everyone is like her.

jagged posted 7/21/2014 14:47 PM

DG,

Following this thread, and thinking you're doing incredibly well so far. Our stories are remarkably similar in many ways, and as you'll find is disturbingly common around here, your WW sounds like a carbon copy of my XWW.

What I want to say to you is this: divorce was hard on my two girls, yes. It did not, however, destroy them. No.

Like you, I would have done almost anything to have spared them from the experience...almost anything. But not if the cost was becoming the man I didn't want to be: a weak, compromising, mistrustful, hurt and broken hostage to the emotional cowardice and bankruptcy of the person my XWW had chosen to become.

My daughters survived...and eventually thrived. I'm certainly a better father today, undistracted by all the bullshit I was dealing with in trying to save a marriage single-handedly. I'm the man I want to be, the man I want them to see. My relationship with my daughters is the most important thing in my life, and it's now 100% pure, if not perfect.

People here told me this from the other side, and I couldn't believe them...until I lived it. I'm two years out, and my daughters are strong, confident girls who have no doubts that both their parents love them, and that our divorce was not their fault.

True - I wish they had never had to go through the sad part...I wish the house hadn't burned down, to borrow a particularly succinct metaphor from this thread. But that wasn't my choice, and we couldn't stay in a burning house, and so I did the best by them I could, and we're all okay. In some ways, important ways, we're even better.

Stay strong, brother. You're going to make it, and so will they.

[This message edited by jagged at 2:49 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/21/2014 14:49 PM

Hopeful,
I agree. It's just a regret in hindsight. I thought that I'd never get over losing my WW if it came to that. The longer I am with her post-DDay, the more I know that I will find someone else who honest, compassionate, and capable of love, like myself.
I told WW, I had a book I'd like her to read. I didn't tell her the name of it (How to help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair). Her response was, "I'll read it, but don't expect me to do anything in it".
She thinks that this is over and we should be moving on because she apologized to me, is nicer around the house, and leaves later for work and leaves earlier after work.
After a month and a half from DDay, she is tired of this and has no clue what she has done to me.
Still looking for a lawyer and a job.....

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 2:50 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

Salt posted 7/21/2014 15:05 PM

"I'll read it, but don't expect me to do anything in it".

Wow. What a coward. I hope you secure an attorney soon, DG. And I hope her consequences kick her ass.

Shockleader posted 7/21/2014 15:14 PM

Jesus DG, take some solace that they are truly all the same. My exPOS said upon a trip back to her hometown a week or two after Dday:

"Don't think this is some sort of pushing the reset button."

Also when I tried to have her read about how it feels to be a BS and what you as the cheater might do to help said:

"So it's all about you and what you need."

That's an exact quote BTW.

Honestly, bottom line, fuck them and and their sociopathic levels of non empathy. Starting to get a little anger brewing yet???

craig2001 posted 7/21/2014 15:47 PM

"I'll read it, but don't expect me to do anything in it".
She really has no clue at all what she has done and she has no clue that an affair really is a bad thing.

I wonder how she would feel about doing anything in that book if others were telling her what a real crime she has committed. Someone like her own mother or relatives.

From what I gather, you are the only one telling her what she did was wrong and bad and hurtful. So far, she has had it very easy.

deceivedguy posted 7/21/2014 20:18 PM

WW doesn't talk to her parents. She used to call them during her ride home from work, which was late every night during A. Parents must have suspected something and started calling her a failure of a mother, among other things.
WW has had mommy issues all her life.
Now she blames me for her affair and her mother for everything else.
I can assure you, I have ALWAYS been very protective and supportive of (W)W and DDs, and always put them before myself.
WW seems to be trying to reinvent herself and recreate the past two years. She has completely shut out her parents. She now talks about herself as though she is a character from the TV show "Suits".
It's bizarre, she's literally making over her personality.
She used to be caring and compassionate. Ever since getting into the financial advisor world and becoming a rock star however, it's like watching a real life version of Jekyll and Hyde....

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 8:23 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

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