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Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still Cheating At Work
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far, finding an attorney has been the toughest part of this. It's all random!


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only concern is, if I wait to confront her, she'll deny it, forcing me to break out the VAR. I don't ever want her to know about that.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Salt
♀ Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

exactly DG

Look, it's not going to benefit you to confront her without a plan.

What is your intention? Do you want to file? First you must decide what you want to do.

Were it me DG this is what I would do

1. Retain an attorney. Get a strategy together. #1 priority.
2. File
3. When you hand her the papers tell her you know she is continuing to lie and cheat. Don't tell her how you know. Just say you know and you are done. Let her deny. You say you know and you have filed.
4. Tell her to pack her bags and leave.

She cannot force you to reveal the VAR, DG. Just keep repeating that you know and it's none of her business how you know.

You have more power than you think. Take your power back.

[This message edited by Salt at 2:40 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm def not going to reveal VAR. i am just so pissed off right now because we got into it this weekend, because i was having a bad spell of "gut feeling". She gave me a lecture about how she wasn't still seeing him, etc etc etc... it got ugly and she was in my face about it. Now I want to say, remember this weekend?

This is going to be hard to hold in.... I'm going to work hard to avoid the temptation...

Thank goodness for the support here. thank you salt and everyone! especially at this hour of the morning. I am freaking out here!

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 2:42 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and yes, the plan is definitely to file.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
Salt
♀ Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. Holding it back is tough. Really tough.

You need to get to an attorney. Badhurt is right. Get an appt with the consult you had tomorrow and get it started. You can keep looking for another attorney. You aren't going to keep this in for long which is why you need legal advice now.

Remember the phrase, eyes on the prize? That prize is your life with your girls.

And stop engaging with her.

Stop. Engaging. With. Her. Now.

[This message edited by Salt at 2:52 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
Dyokemm
♂ Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the only possible reason I can see for delaying the confrontation would be to collect more evidence.

But that is the one thing you truly don't need here.

She is still in contact with him and as far as you're concerned that means the A (in all its forms)is still on.

There is really no need to get a lawyer first....24 hours is not going to make a bit of difference in the legal aspects of D.

I think you should shake her awake and tell her she needs to not come home after work tomorrow....tell her to go stay with POS.

Inform her you know she had contact with him and the exact time....DO NOT tell her about the VAR.

Let her think you had a PI or friend watch her.

Waking her up and hitting her with the news you are filing D and want her out ASAP is actually a perfect plan.

You will catch her unprepared and at her most vulnerable.

Follow up ASAP with the D papers from your lawyer, 24 hours should be more than enough time to get this set up.

Also tomorrow first thing, expose the continuation of the A to everyone and the news you will be divorcing her immediately.

Wake her up and send her reeling and then keep the hits coming over the next few days to keep her scrambling.

Make sure to expose POS fully as well...expose to his work and to his BW.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make sure to have a VAR on you when you confront. Also, have your ducks in a row to inform the other spouse shortly after (her email address/phone number) probably don't want to tell the OPS about the Recorder. Do you have evidence from DD1?

Also, could she get fired for this relationship if work found out? Might worry about CS if you inform work. If that's not giving her lot's of fires to put out might help.

Personally, I'd wait until I had all my ducks in a row before I confronted because she sounds like she could go nuts with lies and make it unbearable to live together. I'd want to work on getting exclusives use of the house ASAP.

Of course that's easy for me to say ... not sure if I'd be able to do it.


Posts: 223 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you should bother to confront her.

I think you should have her served with divorce papers.

When she comes running, asking why, tell her you know she is still with OM. So what if she denies it? YOU know it's true. She can deny it six ways to Sunday, you know it's true.

She is cheating. She has no respect for you or the kids. She is a liar. She is manipulative, cruel, and abusive.

If you want to save the marriage? File. If you want it over, but can't right now because of your hand, then get your ducks in a row, start sending out resumes, detach, and then file once your hand is healed.

Either way...file. Anything less will result in the exact same behavior from her.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7413 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG

Keep using the var.

Do not confront her. Use this time to find a job and an attorney.

Continue gathering evidence.

Sooner or later you will hear them on the var making plans to meet and hookup.

That will be your chance to get the evidence you need to catch them together. Maybe a friend can get a picture or two.

Use that evidence to get your best deal for a divorce.

Be silent. Make a plan. Stay in control of this situation and stop fighting with a selfish liar.

HM


Posts: 854 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
deceivedguy
♂ Member
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think i'll have any concrete evidence other than VAR, which I can't use. In Illinois, the judges never use the adultery grounds from what I've been told by a lawyer and a PI. The only thing I could possibly gain from it is WW giving in a little, but I don't see that happening. I just used the VAR for my own confirmation.

If I file for divorce with one lawyer, I suppose I could find another one to handle the case, right? It's true that living here is going to be hell as soon as I drop that into her lap.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: illinois
atreides
♂ Member
Member # 44180
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my state, you can certainly change lawyers. Good move in not confronting her... there will be a time and place after the divorce where you can in your own way, let her know she kept lying to you... that is if it is still worth it to you.

cheers


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you are not being a doormat, you are doing the right thing, gathering info. And this is the worst part. You heard something but not enough to the point she couldnt lie out of it.

I have been there and the WS can lie out of almost anything you have recorded. You are smart enough to figure out what you heard, but confronting her with this is just going to cause you to lose all of your leverage with the VAR.

You will get enough soon. Be patient. And calm. You are in control, but it is never a good feeling to watch as you're being lied to.

If all they are doing is kissing after work, soon enough they will have to meet for a longer time where you could hear more than you want to. But you will have the proof...once again.

When you get the chance to be at her parking spot, make sure you have your camera ready.

When they had sex before, did she ever tell you where they had sex. Most likely that is where they will meet again.

I wonder if her building has security cameras...how embarrassing.

Have you looked on Avvo.com and Martindale.com for a lawyer.

Go to MensRights.com and see if you can find information for your area.


Posts: 3950 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deceived Guy

OK. You get the picture by now.You CANNOT get emotional and reveal the VAR. However, you CAN confront her and bluff her.

If there are ANY people you know that could have been in that garage you can tell her you know she is talking to him every morning, that someone has told you. Or you can say you say her yourself. The important thing is to get her MAD and stupid. When people get mad, they blurt out stupid things.

Craig said in last post that they would eventually plan to get together to have sex. That seems logical except if she is coming home regular and not going out late, she is either sneaking off with him at lunch time or during day, or banging him in the office before work. i find it hard to believe they would be doing it in the car in a public parking garage. i would also think since sh has no idea that there is VAR in car that she would be talking to him in the car. if this is an affair, it is strange, They have no conversation, don't make excuses not to be home, and just meet and fuck in his office. Crazy????

If you have not been able to find out the Russians name or contact information by now, it is unlikely that you will get that done so i would not expend energy and time on that right now. This could not go on if your wife was not a willing participant. SHE IS THE PROBlEM!!!

You major efforts are to find an attorney. You do not have a multi million dollar estate, condos all over the place, or anything other than two girls that would make this to where you absolutely need an attorney that would handle legal matters for a billionaire.

She will probably not want the kids from the recordings you have heard, so there will be no legal battl;e there.

You have got to get away from this woman or you will not be able to concentrate on getting a job or anything else.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely don't tell her about the VAR, there are questions about legality for one thing. Why don't you tell her you have an informant [which is actually the VAR] in the workplace? She was discovered canoodling with the OM by your informant. Now she will wonder if her very actions are being observed by a 'spy'.

You can look at your misery DG and rack your brains all day for a way out that doesn't involve divorce, but frankly I don't see it. She has no love or respect for you; she is deep in an affair and has no intention of ending it; and you can't talk this arrogant WW into trying to save the marriage. If you discontinue all sex and affection she doesn't give a hoot; the OM is giving her that.

As you said, she has let this job go to her head and no longer cares for her family. Maybe you could contact HR at her workplace and tell them about the affair, which is being conducted during the workday, which is obviously against company policy. Maybe her employers would investigate these early morning fuck fests; possibly catch them red-handed.

In the very unlikely event your wife would consider reconciliation, your key demand should be ending her job right now in order to get her away from the OM. The chances of her agreeing to that are absolute zero, so divorce it must be.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said you have seen his wife's facebook page right?
Try contacting her that way so at least she can get tested for STDs.
If his family is around my area I can let her know if you want.
More than one way to skin a cat.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG

Tom made good suggestion. There is a thread on here where a woman got an anonymous message that her husband was having an affair.

OK Now's advice about her HR Department I would not do now. The last thing you want to do now is get her fired so that she cannot pay alimony or child support.

I am guessing you have searched her car numerous times when checking VAR to see if she had a change of clothes or lingerie in car. maybe when she was dressing like slut she changed before going upstairs to office. I would keep searching everywhere you have access to for condoms or anything that she should not have out of house.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DG, time is on your side right now. Just keep that in mind. Just as I figured, when you backed off the pressure she resumed her deviant behavior. Now you have your proof. Keep getting more proof, not just for you but for the OM's wife. You are now building your own fantasy nuke and you need some more reality plutonium.

As others have mentioned, you want to catch her completely off guard. Your exposure must come in waves and be timed to keep your WW so discombobulated that she can't put out the fires fast enough. She will feel just a disheveled like you felt on your first Dday. Remember that day? How your world came crashing down and everything unraveled. You felt like you had no control, stuck in a swirling whirlpool reaching out for anything to pull you out. Your WW is going to feel like that if you execute this well. She's going to agree to your terms regarding custody and property just to stop the pain. You want to be ready for that moment when she bends to your terms.


Right now, write down the terms on paper/email for what YOU want out of this D (custody, property, staying in the home while she moves out) to give to your lawyer to draw up as a mediation agreement. Go find that lawyer soon.

Keep on the 180 and act happy. Keep looking for that job and get studied up on added skills.

Keep collecting evidence on the VAR and store copies in a safe place for the OM's wife. Yes, you cannot legally use it in court but you can definitely let his wife hear it.

Now that you verified where they are screwing around, you should consider hiring a PI to park in the garage and take pictures of them making out. Again, for the OM's wife and also so you submit this to your WW as undeniable proof. If you know anyone at her work who is willing to help you get those pictures then that's golden. Has she complained about certain people at work? Contact them AFTER you get all your ducks in a row and see if they are willing to help you be the "eyes and ears" at work.

Get your personal accounts ready for electronic transfers from your joint accounts. Do a couple of test transactions of $.25 just to make sure your personal account can receive the funds. You are going to execute a funds transfer (within your legal rights) right before her butt is served.

Prepare a packet with a statement as much evidence (pictures, your journal, info on OM, etc.) as you can to submit to her sister/friends/family. Make multiple copies. Send a copy to the OM's employer. I'm sure they would like to know what the OM has been doing on company time.

Prepare an age appropriate statement for your daughters.

Have the process server deliver the petition to her work. When she gets served, you'll either get a panicked call or a text from her. Send one text saying something to the effect of "caught" with an attached picture of her and OM making out, then go dark on her and don't respond for the rest of the day. If you know the date she will be served, make sure to contact the OM's wife on that same day or right before and give her the heads up on the A as well as evidence. See if she will meet with you and you can let her listen in on the VAR for further proof. See if she will keep quite until your WW is served. Also send the evidence packet to her sister and friends. Ask them not to say anything until your WW calls them. Get back home and start packing your WW's clothes and personal items in some trash bags and have them by the front door.

On nuke day, your WW is going to panic and talk to the OM to get their "story" straight. Hopefully, by that time the OM's wife kicked his ass to the curb and thrown your WW under the bus. She'll then call her sister and her friend with her version of the story. Hopefully, by then they have read your evidence packet already and will listen to your WW lie out her ass about you and they can call her shit out. Your WW is going to run out of places to hide and seek support. You'll be the only one she can talk to and try to bargain with. When she text you or calls you and asks "can we talk?" then you have her by the throat.

When she comes home that's when you whip out the mediation agreement. Have her sign it and tell her you MAY give her another chance and consider cancelling the D process but that you won't talk about it until she signs that agreement. Hopefully she'll be so desperate to gain some control in the situation that she will. As soon as she does, take a picture of it on your phone and email it to yourself, then store the original in a safe place, THEN talk to her.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM Sent...

Also... Great Advice here by many. Don't show your hand yet. Keep gathering!!!

Much luck!!


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 402 | Registered: Dec 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last thing you want to do now is get her fired so that she cannot pay alimony or child support.

Good point Badhurt, but if she is fired it gets her away from OM and back to reality; now she isn't Queen important manager anymore, her job and glory are gone and maybe that will prompt her to reassess the marriage.

If you could get her fired that would be marvelous; bring her way down and strip her of her arrogance, vanity and confidence. Now thats possibly a way to get your marriage back without the misery and expense of divorce. Get the cheater fired and maybe she will be at your mercy for a change. Sure there will be initial financial hardship, but get her a replacement job involving no prestige and no chance of getting another grossly inflated ego.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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