SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Still Cheating At Work
Even if fired and onward with D, the court will impute her for support/alimony/potential BS legal fees... How about that hanging over your head!
I'm reading all of these. I havent said anything yet. Lawyer supposed to call me back today.
Once you file and confront, you can more easily ask for references locally with people you know. The more attorneys you see she cannot use, conflict of interest.
Glad to hear you made it through the night. Can you rent a car and stake her out? Get someone to babysit while you go to "therapy"?
Damn, I wish I lived nearby to stake her out myself.
BTW: get some sleeping pills to use at night. If you don't get enough sleep you are going to get sloppy and let something slip.
I'll be in Chicago next week and the week after for business. I'm the best PI I know...
Sit tight. You have hand now, without a doubt. No need to waste it. You have nothing to lose by keeping your lip zipped and getting ALL of your ducks in a row. Find the right attorney. Start thinking about what you want your future to look like. Little by little, start gaining control of the things you can. Scope out housing options -- there are probably a lot more than you thought available for you. From a job perspective - take your time. An attorney may tell you not to do anything at this point, since you've been a SAHD.
Like you said--spoil your girls tomorrow. Go have fun, take them for pedicures, fun hair and to Justice just for some fun clothes.
Lastly, take care of you. Get a massage. Clear your head the best you can. Just remember - you have hand now.
You continue to impress me DG. Very good for not confronting. Gather all of the evidence that you have. JDuff had a great post and I agree. Burn down this fucking affair in every direction at the same time. MAKE IT BIBLICAL!!!
Keep posting and we'll all keep writing you through it. You have a village behind you!!
Keep going DG
I have a lawyer, now I just have to raise $3500 for his retainer.
I STILL have not told WW that I know she is still seeing OM. This is KILLING me!
Funny story.....first attorney I called (not in our town, but 30-40 min away, said there was a conflict of interest!!!!
I told WW that one of my friends told me to check with local lawyers to see if she was looking for one. She admitted to contacting them, back when we had a fight because I was going to contact OM. She told me that he would kill me. I told her that I applied for a firearms licence in case I'm in danger. I suspect she was trying to portray me as dangerous.
I really really want to tell her I know. Man, this is as bad as DDay #1!
they will go further underground, I'm sure. I was thinking of having a greeting card for an excuse, and say I was going to put it on her windshield, if she saw me (while she wasn't with OM).
Not sure if I can do it yet. Would love to have a picture of them together!
[This message edited by deceivedguy at 8:51 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]
A greeting card she'd likely see through unless you normally drop off that stuff at her work, at her car. I'd just go covertly or for an item you need but forgot in her car (assuming you are ever in it)
The problem is even if you catch them standing together I am not sure if that means anything. You would have to catch them doing something sexual and you are right, it might even be hard to get in.
I honestly am out of ideas other than what you are doing other that just confronting her and getting her kissed enough to say something she should not. It worked for another guy recently.
I just cannot understand how a lot of ladies who never are employed because of children wind up getting divorced, getting fair settlements, and get on with their lives. There has to be some way to get you out of this. You can't even snoop by following her like you could if your kids were in school or old enough to be by themselves.
You know she is cheating, you know you want out of this relationship, so what are you going to do with the proof you may or may not get in months .
I guess the VAR is your best bet but if she was having phone conversations with him n the car you should have heard it by now.
I don't actually need proof. It;s all a formality. Meeting with my new lawyer in two days. The proof is to stop WW from lying
back when we had a fight because I was going to contact OM. She told me that he would kill me.Do you believe your wife did contact the lawyer just because you and her had a fight about contacting the OM wife?
And, the fact that your WW now tells you this OM threatened to kill you is very interesting, and raises the stakes considerably higher.
Actually, this threat that the OM will kill you should not be taken lightly. You have leverage to do all kinds of things. File a restraining order against him, call the cops etc.
See what others think about this.
Stay the course, this could get uglier. Your wife is in a way sticking up for this OM now and seeing someone most likely who has threatened to kill you.
If this is all true, she apparently doesnt give a damn about her family at all. Should be interesting when everyone finds out about this.
Your atty will give you the name of a PI to use who is reliable. The one my friend used was $500.00 He parked WAY away from them in a Walmart parking lot with a camera the paparazzi use. One kiss was all that was needed to prove she was a LIAR.
I'm not sure it matters in your state for a D, but you'll have your professional picture for the OBS and yourself. She's gonna lie about why she kissed him because that will be her defenses going up.
BUT you are going to hand her the D papers and out she goes. MAYBE she will wake up.
I know it's so hard to not say, "I got something on you",, but don't do it yet!!!
See an atty -- you want your kids, and you want the final say in their wellbeing for the rest of their lives. THIS IS THE ONLY GOAL FOR NOW. PLZ make sure with a free consult that this is what you will get.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:43 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
Well the majority of posters here are against confronting immediately.
I see their points, even if I do not happen to agree.
You need no more proof...so a PI or some convoluted plan to surprise her in the garage are unnecessary.
A short delay til paperwork is officially filed means nothing in a D proceeding, so the fact you don't have your lawyer 'locked' up yet is essentially meaningless since you will have that done within a couple of days.
I guess I favor hitting her with this all out of the blue (without revealing the VAR...just say you had a friend or PI watch her)comes from the leadership and combat training I went through at the Naval Academy.
I remember one Marine instructor teaching us to:
1) Strike when unexpected
2) Hit hard, hit fast, hit often...keep the enemy off balance.
3) An unbalanced enemy is already half-way defeated because they are constantly scrambling to react to your actions rather than initiating plans to ensure your defeat.
In that vein, I still recommend you surprise confront her immediately about the continuing A...give date, place, and her screwing around but DO NOT reveal VAR...play it off as a spy of some sort.
Tell her your are filing D immediately.
Tell her to move out.
Expose the continuing of the A to both your families and all friends along with the fact you are filing for D.
Expose to her work.
Expose to POS's BW and his work.
She will be scrambling to react to your actions from the get go.
Continue 180 and only discuss D proceedings and child necessities.
As a SAHD, you are at an advantage for custody considerations.
She will be paying YOU spousal and child support, so you will have time to find a worthwhile job in your field.
I know others disagree, but I still think your best move here is ti go nuclear.
Bring Fantsyland crashing down around her ASAP.
I have one thing to add. Your county court records are probably on computer which is accessible most places by the public.
Please try to check to see if she has filed for,divorce already. Since she's seen a lawyer, that is indeed possible.
You may have to register and create a password with the county court. Maybe not. But checking is usually done by name., and if there is a case filed, it will show up. And you can get access to what's been filed.
The nice thing about computerized records,is you can do it from home.
OK yes you are on notice she has seen a lawyer. She has already been advised of her rights and I suspect already has a plan in her mind depending on what you decide to do. I think the reason she gave you for why she went to one is another lie. At this point, when they open their mouths they are lying. She may have already filed for divorce and not notified you. It think it is wise to check public records if you can.
I am not in favor of confronting until you have had a chance to put a strategy together with your lawyer. That strategy may include you staying in the home and forcing her out. You need to know these things before you go nuclear. You are the stay at home dad, she is the one who went outside the marriage, she should leave. Because it's in the best interests of the children to have their lives disrupted as little as possible.
She will then need to find her own place and pay you enough for you to manage until you can retrain and find a new job. She should pay you child support. It's the children's standard of living that is important. Judges don't like children to have to go from the family home to a hovel which is one reason for child support.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. The worst may not happen but you will be prepared regardless. So, prepare for a massive fight. She has no remorse, has already been to an attorney so she may already be plotting. Have you checked all of your financial accounts to make sure she hasn't been draining them or adding debt?
Often they threaten and then settle when they see you mean business. Ex dragged our divorce out for 2 years and wouldn't settle until 3 weeks before trial. We played the game of chicken. And I won. I held my nerve DG and you will too.
So, were it me I would meet with this attorney and I would get a plan together. I would file. Then I would hand her the papers and tell her to pack her bags. If she doesn't leave then you deal with that legally. All of that can be done in 4 days. You don't have to wait a long time.
And you will start feeling better once you get away from her. She is toxic, no remorse no empathy. She doesn't value what she has, and because of that she is going to lose it.
I'm sorry DG. I know how tough this is. But these are her choices. Not yours. This is on her.
I've been so tempted to send a long group text to her and her two confidants (her sister and her best friend), her parents who she has distanced herself from (they sensed something I think, and started criticizing her commitment to the family and calling her a bad mother. I don't think they knew about the A, but knew something was amiss), OM's W, and the wife of a guy who worked for her company, who she was sexting with. That would leave her with no one to lie to.
I'm following the majority's advice and waiting to hear what the attorney has to say during our consultation. We actually had a mini consultation over the phone. He was way more inquisitive than the first drone I spoke with. Plus he said, if there is any chance of R, don't go through with it. In other words, he was telling me NOT to give him money if I'm not sure.
I'll search for that, thanks! I'm 99% sure that she'll not only agree to D, but be as brutal as possible. When I spoke to her about the lawyer she contacted I said, you know I'm at a disadvantage here with no job or prospects (to give her false sense of security that I wouldn't do anything).
Her response was, we couldn't afford a divorce if we wanted one.
Not sure about that comment. I don;t know if she;s talking about the pile of debt we're sitting on, or the bridges she's burned, leaving her with only her sister and best friend.
I guess I missed it. So she is sexting another do worker that you caught. I assume you have no proof of that that you got your hands on.
The lawyer have you good advice about not paying until you are sure of what you want to do. I a hoping at this point if you go back and read the desperation in your posts that you know what you want to do
You need to be done with her
No. She's talking about how much it will cost her. All that money she loves to make? A good chunk wil,be gone every paycheck.
But don't plan on retiring. There is something called rehabilitative alimony. Usually for a set period or,while,you are making adequate progress retaining/updating. Child support disappears when the kids age out of it,,too. If it continues past 18/high school graduation, it's by agreement. And the payments are often directly to the school.
I think she saw a lawyer to find out if/how much this was going to cost her and her comment supports my thought.