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Still Cheating At Work

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Tom67 posted 7/31/2014 11:14 AM

Find a way to contact the guys wife. You have her fb page I say go ahead and do it.
She may not know any of this.

craig2001 posted 7/31/2014 11:24 AM

Find a way to contact the guys wife
This is the part that bothers me and no one has commented on.

DG's wife told him that the OM would kill him if he told his wife.

Take it seriously or not? File a RO or not?

atreides posted 7/31/2014 11:40 AM

It would not deter me, exposure helps the process greatly.... the fog lifts rapidly

Salt posted 7/31/2014 11:51 AM

Go easy on yourself. We each need to move at the pace that is right for us. Filing is a major step, confronting and boundaries are major steps. You need to be ready to back up any threat you make.

The fact that she is setting her alarm in the car suggests to me that she might be becoming suspicious. You might want to change your tactics regarding gathering evidence.

DG, given what you have decided, were it me I would continue to carefully gather evidence. I would start the process to get myself re-certified from a work standpoint so I could make the transition back to work more easily. Get yourself as independent as possible so that if things change you are ready.

That will have several benefits. You will feel better about yourself and she might start to respect you more. Having been in your position I have noticed a lack of respect for the party not working. It isn't right but there it is.

Focus on you. Plan for your future with your girls. If your wife gets it together you can include her. If not, you are prepared for a worst case.

craig2001 posted 7/31/2014 11:57 AM

The fact that she is setting her alarm in the car suggests to me that she might be becoming suspicious. You might want to change your tactics regarding gathering evidence.
The fact that she knows DG is not shy of going to her car in the parking lot would mean she has to change her tactics and not bee seen walking to the car with the OM.

This could be interesting.

DG, show up at her office sometime at lunch, maybe to take her to lunch.

Does she have an office phone, if so, do you call her during lunch to see if she might be somewhere else.

wk55hn posted 7/31/2014 13:06 PM

What is the reasoning for not exposing to other man's wife? Seems to me that exposing might shake things up a bit and maybe some skeletons will fall out of the closet.

Sounds to me, based on infrequency of texts even before d-day, that affair is (was?) almost purely sexual, not emotional.

By the way, from what you have posted, your wife seems like a very emotionally cold person.

You can wait as long as you want for your wife to slip up and for you to catch her with "proof." As long as you are willing and able to put up with your wife's hiding stuff and stonewalling you and possibly carrying on the affair, which it seems so far you are willing and able for the sake of your daughters, this can go on for as long as you can take it. BUT will you eventually getting "proof" lead to a better ultimate outcome for you? What is your endgame?

Early in my adult life, someone I respect told me that "hope is not a plan."

[This message edited by wk55hn at 1:07 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Schadenfreude posted 7/31/2014 13:06 PM

Judge won't issue protective order based on pure hearsay which this information is. My cheating wife told me her lover said.......

Schadenfreude posted 7/31/2014 13:06 PM

Dbl post. Damn phone

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 1:08 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

deceivedguy posted 7/31/2014 14:12 PM

Thanks all!
WW is not setting car alarm, it's a glitch. If you lock it with the remote, then open with a key, the alarm will go off. That was my mistake. I had forgotten. I thought it would only sound the alarm if I tried to start it after opening with key.

Still contemplating contacting OM's wife. Haven't ruled it out.

Freeme posted 7/31/2014 14:32 PM

Do you really think that OM made a threat to kill you if you told his wife? I thought that was just an excuse WW made for why she went to see a D lawyer. She didn't tell you about the threat at the time did she?

There is a good chance that if you tell his wife she will tell her husband how she found out. Make sure you have all of your ducks in a row.

spond posted 7/31/2014 14:39 PM

make sure you have proof when you contact the OBS.

Nothing worse then the AP trying to blow it off with his wife, saying it's some crazy person.

deceivedguy posted 8/1/2014 10:04 AM

I haven't decided whether or not to tell OM's wife. I was going to do it anonymously under the guise of, "I happen to know my co-worker is having an affair with your husband...".
There is a very simple way to prove it, but that would give OM's wife my WW's name. To prove the A, all I have to do is tell her to look at his cell phone bills. I can even give exact dates...

I am worried that my WW will tell OM that it was me, and I might be in danger. OM is a big guy, but not sure if he is dangerous.

Badhurt posted 8/1/2014 10:19 AM


if you do not want to push anything right now, that is fine. This threat stuff about something he may have said should not put you into fear and paralysis. That is nonsense.

So that means even if he is still fucking your wife you are going to sit there terrified he is going to hurt you. If you are that scared, ARM yourself. although I believe all this threat stuff is just a lot of bravado.

Again, your decision on what you want to do about your situation should not be determined by some moron scaring you into hiding in your house.

Tom67 posted 8/1/2014 10:23 AM

Badhurt is spot on.
Do you really think he is going to risk jail time?
But it's your call.
If anything he will drop your wife like a bad habit and will be scrambling to save his own marriage that's why exposure is usually recommended.

craig2001 posted 8/1/2014 10:44 AM

I believe all this threat stuff is just a lot of bravado
And would he risk jail time. Hard to say, the guy is from Russia and who the hell knows what he thinks.

But many people do not exactly worry about jail. Maybe he would be deported.

I would be concerned about this threat and at the same time mad as hell that my wife brought such a POS into my life to threaten me.

Something needs to be done about this threat. Schadenfreude said you cannot get a RO on hearsay, so have the wife get one for the entire family.

Your wife needs to quit this job actually and she needs to see just what the hell kind of hell she brought into your and your families life.

Of course she will balk at quitting her job, because she is selfish and still refuses to see the harm in what she has done.

That is why this affair needs to be exposed and everyone told needs to also know this OM threatened your life.

I do recall that you have not told her family yet and maybe not even yours. That your wife would go ballistic if you did and you are saving this for later.

Your wife is acting completely selfish now to the point of no return and actual harming your family.

She won't even stop talking to this POS OM.

Maybe it is time your wife starts seeing the consequences of her actions and selfishness.

Did you look up lawyers in your area on the Mens Rights website.

I do know that if you talked to the cops about this, there is a good chance that they would go and have a little chat with this OM. They would do that here anyway. They usually don't like threats to kill someone.

And they then would be on notice.

Inaction is going to lead to trouble. Action might lead to trouble, but I think inaction would lead to bigger trouble.

Tell your wife she is quitting that job today and to start looking for another job.

deceivedguy posted 8/1/2014 10:50 AM

It didn't occur to me until the incident, that my wife is still parking in the basement, by the maintenance guys. She explained away the couple of times I knew he had walked her to her car, by telling me that she ran into him. I of course, told her she's not even supposed to be talking to him! She said she couldn't avoid running into him. Then it occurred to me... in this huge, multi-level parking garage, she's still parking near him! I told her to stop ASAP. Next time I get over there, I'm going to see if her car is still there. If it is, I might put a picture of OM and his family (from OM'S W's facebook page, on her windshield) with a note asking why she's still parking there.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 8:49 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

Badhurt posted 8/1/2014 11:01 AM


She is still parking there in a huge garage because she wants to see him. This is no riddle. And she does not care whether you like it or not.

She is NOT going to quit her job tomorrow. And if you are thinking of divorce you do not want her income stream cut off.

You have said you are not ready to act. There is no analysis needed.Either you out the OM completely, alert the police at the same time, or you do not. There is no sense playing any more mind games.

your wife does not give a shit what you think. She believes she has you by the balls, and there is nothing you can do but either suck it up or take action.

I thought from your previous post that you pretty much had decided to lay low and suck it up.

crisp posted 8/1/2014 11:26 AM

I am not sure why you have been told/or you think you have been told that there is such uncertainty about support you will receive in a divorce. Sure nothing is for sure in this world and any lawyer would be a fool to guaranty you a specific outcome, but there are firm guidelines in your state for support calculations. You, as the primary caregiver (short of some nasty trait you may have that has not been disclosed), will be the parent with the majority of time awarded for the kids. Here is your State's website on how to calculate the MINIMUM you would be given as the primary caregiver:
Look at it.

crisp posted 8/1/2014 11:31 AM

Here is an excerpt from the State's webpage in spousal support:
A "typical" periodic maintenance case in Illinois is as follows: The parties have been married for 10-20 years. Both parties have similar educational backgrounds. The husband has worked full-time in his profession throughout the marriage and now earns a comfortable income. The wife worked full-time early in the marriage but ceased working outside the home when the children were born. The wife needs additional education or training in order to become self-supporting. The children are still young - in elementary school. In this case, it is quite usual to see "periodic maintenance" or "unallocated support" for a defined period of time. The payor spouse will continue to provide support until a reviewable event or the passage of a predetermined period of time.

For maintenance purposes, some examples of "reviewable events" are:

The attainment of a certain level of education of the payee spouse
A significant increase in salary of the payee spouse
A significant increase or decrease in the income of the payor spouse
The passage a predetermined period of time
A child entering school or attaining a predetermined age

nomistakeaboutit posted 8/1/2014 11:32 AM

I told her to stop ASAP. Next time I get over there, I'm going to see if her car is still there. If it is, I might put a picture of OM and his family (from OM'S W's facebook page, on her windshield) with a note asking why she's still parking there.

Yeah, maybe not.

Let's talk about rising above the fear. Let's talk about regaining some of your power. Here's a plan, which would be timed to all happen on the same day.

1. You post a message on the OM's wife's Facebook page, exposing the A.
2. You call the company's HR department and out the A. Your evidence is that your wife told you about the A.
3. You call the OM's manager and out the A. Let him know you've spoken to HR.
4. You call your wife's manager and out the A. Let him/her know you have just gotten off the phone with HR.
5. You file for divorce with full custody, alimony and child support requested at the highest possible levels.
6. You call the OM at work and let him know everything you have just done. This call you will do on speaker phone. You will record it. If he threatens your life, you ask him if he is serious. You tell him it is nothing to joke about. You let him dig a deeper and deeper hole. You then drive to the police department and express your fear for your life and report what has happened to the police and have him arrested. You get a restraining order and arm yourself. You walk with your head held high.
7. While you're driving to the police department you call your wife at work and say, "hi honey, how's your day going? Good. Good. OK. Have a good rest of the day. Oh...before you go, one thing. I've notified HR about your A. I've talked with your manager about the A. (....all the way down the line). This afternoon you will be served divorce papers and I am filing for full custody. Have a nice day.

Or, you could put a picture on her windshield.

Forget about your hurt hand. Forget that you're broke. Rise above your fear. Take control and take back your power.

Salt posted 8/1/2014 11:33 AM

You know, DG, if she cannot avoid running into him at her work, she shouldn't be working there anymore if she wants to save her marriage. She should be actively looking for new employment.

Very good points made by earlier posters:
- She had an affair, putting her marriage and family at risk
- She slept with this man, putting your health at risk
- She communicated a threat to your life to you, by the person who is part of destroying your marriage, and apparently is unconcerned about it (IF it's even true - more likely it's an attempt to get you to back off exposing either of them)
- She cannot avoid running into this man, and isn't trying to avoid him, she isn't concerned or interested to do as you ask, go completely NC with him, whatever her excuses are.

It seems by her behavior she isn't really interested in saving her marriage. You can stay quiet now, but I think you will find that as you do she will not only continue but be emboldened by it. Perhaps that is what you need to see.

In the meantime, getting yourself independent financially is necessary because looking at your situation from my view, with my experience and the past 4 years watching this happen to many others, the outcome of your marriage doesn't look good. Eventually you are just going to decide you have had enough. You haven't reached that limit yet, OK. But don't wait to get yourself on your feet financially/work wise.

[This message edited by Salt at 11:42 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

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