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Still Cheating At Work

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Salt posted 8/1/2014 11:33 AM

You know, DG, if she cannot avoid running into him at her work, she shouldn't be working there anymore if she wants to save her marriage. She should be actively looking for new employment.

Very good points made by earlier posters:
- She had an affair, putting her marriage and family at risk
- She slept with this man, putting your health at risk
- She communicated a threat to your life to you, by the person who is part of destroying your marriage, and apparently is unconcerned about it (IF it's even true - more likely it's an attempt to get you to back off exposing either of them)
- She cannot avoid running into this man, and isn't trying to avoid him, she isn't concerned or interested to do as you ask, go completely NC with him, whatever her excuses are.

It seems by her behavior she isn't really interested in saving her marriage. You can stay quiet now, but I think you will find that as you do she will not only continue but be emboldened by it. Perhaps that is what you need to see.

In the meantime, getting yourself independent financially is necessary because looking at your situation from my view, with my experience and the past 4 years watching this happen to many others, the outcome of your marriage doesn't look good. Eventually you are just going to decide you have had enough. You haven't reached that limit yet, OK. But don't wait to get yourself on your feet financially/work wise.

[This message edited by Salt at 11:42 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

craig2001 posted 8/1/2014 11:58 AM

DG - I would like to be clear about something...

Is this the same OM that your wife had sex with. The proof from the lab?

Are you certain it was this guy?

I sort of got confused about this and some other OM that worked at a different place.

tushnurse posted 8/1/2014 13:30 PM

Wow. I just read through this thread.

I gotta say you are hung up on the proof. Why do you need proof. Even if she isn't fucking someone else she certainly isn't loving and supportive of you, and is a crappy mom too.

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has zero respect for you, blames her kids for making her life less than stellar, and continues to act in a way that is not remorseful, or even regretful.

You get it, you need to D, You also have a laundry list of excuses, quit making excuses and get off your ass and start acting. You can't fill out applications? But you can type just fine to be on SI. I know you've been out of the market a while, but NO ONE has paper applications anymore. I mean NO ONE. Everything is done on line. Get busy man. Most hospital systems are dying for IT people due to the mandates for EMR's and "Care Everywhere" compliance. Most of the helpdesk jobs even allow you to work from home (after training).

I also gotta say you concern me with the pain meds/Xanax and AD's. I know it's a lot to go through right now, but if anyone wants to question your ability to parent, they are going to take a good long look at any possibility of drug or alcohol use/abuse.

Your wife strikes me as being a Narcissist, and I think it's good you are cautious, because even though she wouldn't want the kids full time, she may fight for them, because you want them. Vengeance justified or not can be a very dangerous thing. Keep the VAR on you, cut back, way back on the narcotics if you can, and only use the Xanax at bedtime if at all. Use other methods to decrease your anxiety, walking, yoga, playing with your girls.

I do think you still have a just a niggling of what if I could detach and stay with her, wouldn't it be better? NO NOT a Chance in the world. It will suck your soul, and show your girls some f'd up version of what M should be, and they will be more likely to repeat what they experience. You certainly wouldn't want them to walk in your shoes. Stand strong, tall, and brave. You will get through this and be happier in the end.

One last thing. You are codependent as hell, get yourself some books on this, and changing that habit. Learn to be happy being just you. Being independent and alone. Once you master that, then you can seek out romance, but if you don't you WILL get hurt again and again.

deceivedguy posted 8/1/2014 20:17 PM

I agree with much of what you guys are saying, but I'm having a hard time jumping ship.
Yes, I have a lot of excuses. I freely admit that. We are already in debt and unless one of you are going to give me $3500 for my lawyer, he's not going to be in the picture.
I've been sending out applications and having no luck. Although I had 20+ years of IT experience, I cannot effectively jump on the same skills and interview questions I used to crush.

Realistically what will happen is, I'll be living with my wife and daughters under a D in progress with WW bringing in the income.

Hey I admire anyone who can successfully scoop up the kids, jump, and land on their feet. I don't feel confident that will happen to me.

Tom67 posted 8/1/2014 21:01 PM

Hold off on the d that's fine.
Tell his wife about the affair.
You want this to stop right?

Jduff posted 8/1/2014 21:59 PM

DG, you already have a plan. Stick with it. You know your wife better than any of us. If you think she will go ape shit on you when you expose her A in full then do what you can to gain your upper ground. For now find out how to contact OM's wife and plan on how to let her know. Despite the threat, I think the OM is more afraid of his wife finding out.

Consider exposing your wife's A on all fronts at once and leave her no refuge to gain advantage. Make sure YOU have options and the ability to backup your delivery of consequences.

Salt posted 8/1/2014 22:17 PM

The problem here is not OM. The problem is your wife. If she is not remorseful then it is likely to happen again with someone else. Om's wife deserves to know the truth, but your wife must want to end the affair herself for any real change to occur.

DG I know it's scary. I went through it myself. I delayed until the pain of continuing to live the way I was living exceeded my ability to want to continue.

When you are sick and tired of feeling the pain then you will take action. And the pain isn't going to go away. Your wife isn't remorseful, she isn't doing what is necessary to repair the marriage, she is continuing to see om. You can out the om to his wife and it may end their affair. She will be furious with you so you will have to deal with the fallout. She will be furious because she has no remorse, no empathy for your feelings, for your pain.

Im sorry to be so brutal but it's pretty clear to all of us who have seen and experienced a lot. We don't want to see you to continue to suffer. When you have had enough it actually feels better to get away from them.

Keep the VAR, continue to monitor her. She will show herself to you.

Get some retraining in the IT field to freshen yourself up. Then go back to work. No matter what you need to be able to support yourself moving forward.

dreamlife posted 8/2/2014 18:35 PM

What if your WS iPad from her job were to just suddenly "vanish"? Of would claim not to know a thing about its disappearance.

Am I being naive, folks?

Just thinking out loud here & trying to be of some help w/ the abject *torture* that marital SECRETS bring and I suspect it would hold a treasure trove of info.

I fully understand all the mind f*cking pain I went through when XWS would just shrug and say..."I forgot"..."I don't remember" meanwhile looking like the puffed up cat that swallowed the canary. (At least I was finally able to download a key logger which helped quite a bit.)

Yes, get your ducks in a row before you file D.

Get to feeling alright about it. No rush.

(((huge hugs)))

Salt posted 8/2/2014 21:32 PM

First, in my first M, XW had a child from a previous M, she thought she would get it all too. In fact, during one of our confrontations(I was stupid enough to ask why she married me) she looked me in the eye and told me she married me for the child support, the court would NEVER split the kids. She was wrong. She paid me support for 14 and a half years(until he turned 18). You could win. DON'T believe her. I do suspect she's already seen a lawyer though.

The above is a quote from 5454real from another thread. DG why don't you pm real and ask him his story. Men do get child support. Men do get 80% custody.

BtraydWife posted 8/2/2014 21:37 PM

You know she didn't see a lawyer because her boyfriend threatened you. If you don't find a way to secure a lawyer then you are going to be blindsided when she does what everyone here has been advising you to do.

She'll file for divorce and sole use of the house. She'll file for the max allowed for custody, no alimony for you, and ask for child support from you.

You'll find yourself out of your home searching for a place to live, fighting for time with your girls, and fighting for money to survive on. Then you'll have absolutely no choice but to manage to secure a lawyer in an emergency situation.

She did not see a lawyer because her boyfriend threatened you. She doesn't care what you think or how you feel. She lies to your face everyday.

You need to find a way to secure the lawyer now. This IS an emergency situation. Check out my tagline. Delay is the deadliest form of denial. Want to find out how terrible it is? Just wait.

Hell pawn stuff if you have to, ask every family member for what they can spare, call to extend your credit line and take a cash advance. Plead with the lawyer to make payments. Try another lawyer. You haven't tried everything.

Stop falling for her diversions. You are only trapped because you believe it's true.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:39 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)]

craig2001 posted 8/2/2014 21:53 PM

If you don't find a way to secure a lawyer then you are going to be blindsided when she does what everyone here has been advising you to do.
I had forgotten that she admitted to seeing a lawyer already.

Can you ask relatives to help with finances for a lawyer. Talk to other men on here that did get custody and child support.

I hate to bring up this old stock market saying, but it seems accurate, If you snooze, you lose.

LeopoldB posted 8/5/2014 09:49 AM

You have a PM.

Long Gone posted 8/7/2014 11:38 AM

Whats going on DG?

hopefulmother posted 8/7/2014 21:02 PM

I hope things are going well on the job front. Enjoy your weekend with the kiddos.

craig2001 posted 8/13/2014 19:05 PM

DG, how are things going?

deceivedguy posted 10/14/2014 09:01 AM

I want to thank all of those who offered support early in this crazy tragedy.

I had to take a break from SI because there were too many people responding with pressure to divorce immediately. I was already distraught enough and really unsure of what I was going to do. Although divorce was probably inevitable due to WW continuing TT and dishonesty, I had to do this in my own time.
We are now in the early stages of divorce. We both have lawyers, but the kids don't know. I'm sure they suspect, but we haven't talked to them yet.

I'm doing really good, taking care of myself, and focusing all of my attention on my girls. It's been a long road to travel in the past few months, but I'm looking forward to a new healthy life. I'm PRAYING that I get what is due to me in regards to custody and maintenance. Only time will tell.
Thanks again for being there. Those early months would have been unbearable without the support of fellow survivors.

happyman64 posted 10/14/2014 10:40 AM


thanks for the update. I hope you and your girls will be ok.

What prompted the divorce?


deceivedguy posted 10/14/2014 20:46 PM

She hired a good looking young assistant and started becoming very interested (at home) in subjects that he was very interested in. I went through this with original OM, and other that I've suspected.
I went to visit her at work one day and he ducked out a back door. There was also a weird texting situation with him. I finally gave up. This is never going to end. I did everything in my power to save this marriage and our family. She has emotionally moved on long ago, I'm sure.

I used the 180 to distance myself and it worked. I'm over her. I just want my girls and I to move on. Unfortunately, she's now smothering the children with affection, gifts, etc... so I have no idea how this will pan out in the end. All I know for sure is, I could no longer go on living like a doormat. I love my girls more than life itself. I hope things work out the way I want them to!

5454real posted 10/14/2014 22:49 PM

Sending strength brother.

healingroad posted 10/14/2014 23:02 PM

I had to take a break from SI because there were too many people responding with pressure to divorce immediately. I was already distraught enough and really unsure of what I was going to do. Although divorce was probably inevitable due to WW continuing TT and dishonesty, I had to do this in my own time.

Deceived, I think you're doing very very well. Glad to see that you're standing up and doing the right thing in the middle of this shit storm. And of course you have to do everything in your own time, and in your own way -- that's absolutely right.

I just want to clarify, particularly for new BS's that might be following, a subtle point. As I recall, here and most places in SI, there is often advice to quickly file for D, and to be prepared to accept D if the WS continues in infidelity or to refuses accept responsibility to work towards R. That doesn't necessarily mean D right away -- though to be sure, in your case most of the writing was already on the wall.

Anyway, I applaud you for standing up. Keep us posted!

[This message edited by mhca at 11:03 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)]

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