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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you still think your WS is a good person?
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering about this. We have been through hell before this A, but I always considered my WH a sick, lost man with a good heart. A good person who led himself astray. Now? I'm not so sure. I know how As happen. I pretty much know how his happened. But I no longer look at him and see a good person. And for me, that might be the game changer.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 308 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
dee1deeonly
♀ New Member
Member # 44048
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the first thing is to define "good". We won't have the same def as others but we probably share similar meanings. Once you do that review the struggle to do good. It stems from the two conflicting inclinations in every human being. A person has two hearts: one that loves to do the right heart, and one that prefers to be selfish. We need to develop an awareness of the struggle going on inside us.
No matter what in life no one is perfect. No matter what in life a minor sin holds as much weight as a huge one. They are both sins.
Want" is for permanence. It is rooted in reality. "Desire" is for the moment, with little regard for future with little regard for future consequence. It is an escape. I know you have escaped before.
With every decision, these hearts clash and create a dilemma. To be triumphant in the battle to be good, you have to focus on your innate desire to be good.
If he has qualities that you've admired and sometimes imitated, I would assume that he has some good in him and he is a good person like most of our partners that have went astray.
It is so hard to view it like this right now bc we all are hurting/disappointed and bc you know you would never cheat, and dont understand his lack of self control. However, you are staying. He is trying to reconcile. Why? Bc your bond w/ him- you knowing him unlike any other person, knows he can be good. You/We just wanted that goodness to last forever.
Best wishes
T.T.F.N. Tah Tah For Now.


T.T.F.N. Tah Tah For Now

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5329 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 1st WS (the one that brought me to this site)....No. He is a predator/sociopath. He uses people. He is not a good person, but he pretends to be. He has a public facade, and then there is the real him. He has a black heart.

My new SO who had an EA on me? Yes. He is a good person who made a stupid choice. He is willing to put in the hard work to fix this. That is why I am still with him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I no longer look at him and see a good person. And for me, that might be the game changer.

That was, for me, the game changer.

There are two types of "cheaters". One is a good person who makes a bad decision and gets "stuck" in it.

The other is a bad person who is not at all trapped, rather continually decides to stay in the muck and mire.

Behind door #1, there is a possible reconciliation.

Behind door #2, there isn't. Just more hurt and heartache.

He is willing to put in the hard work to fix this.

This is how you can tell them apart.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:45 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 540 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Mom-of-4
♀ Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.

and totally agree with post by tfkeel!


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see my FWW as a good person. But I also now realize that she was broken and that she has a selfish side that I never knew about before. She has a good heart and is/has been working to fix the broken parts. Had she not been a good person, I would have never married her in the first place. Sometimes good people do foolish, selfish, awful things.

Posts: 259 | Registered: Oct 2013
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to stay away from the good/bad thing because it makes me feel judgemental. My WW is a flawed human being, like all others but also unlike any other. She let me down; she let herself down. She made terribly destructive choices that hurt me, herself, and us deeply.

If what tfkeel says is true, that there are two types of cheaters, then I am pretty sure my WW is a #1. And from talking with the OBS, it seems clear that the AP is #2. This was not his first affair, and he is not at all remorseful.

Crazy as this sounds, he blamed OBS for his coming over to our house in the morning on his way to work to have sex with my WW. He told her she didn't love him enough to keep track of his whereabouts. That is beyond crazymaking - it is so F'ed up it defies rational comment.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 256 | Registered: Mar 2013
IntoTheLight
♀ Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are two types of "cheaters". One is a good person who makes a bad decision and gets "stuck" in it.

The other is a bad person who is not at all trapped, rather continually decides to stay in the muck and mire.

I believe this as well.


He is willing to put in the hard work to fix this.

This is how you can tell them apart.

I'm not sure about this one - if you have a narcissist/sociopath on your hands he or she might put in the hard work for fear of losing money, image, security (or whatever they are afraid of losing). I was raised by one and they can be pretty charming and convincing when they need something.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What tfkeel said.

And yes I do think he's a good person.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6833 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chinadoll:

I think he still has a lot of good qualities, but I think he is not as good of a person as he would want others to believe he is.

My wayward is very selfish, self absorbed and self centered.

Prior to his affair, I suspected this, but ignored the signs.

Several of the MCs we have sought counsel from have actually pointed this side of him out to him.

He was very spoiled by his parents

Still, he puts on a good front because he likes to be seen as a good person.

He once helped an old lady to cross the street and she told him he was an angel and he raved about his good deed for days, telling anyone within ear shot about it.

I on the other hand ALWAYS help elderly or blind people to cross the street, and never mentioned it to friends or family because I feel it is something everyone should do. I did not consider it something to boast about.

My wayward is also the type to buy a gift for someone that is somewhat self serving.

For example, he has talked his parents into buying expensive items that he wants, knowing that they really don't need them and will get bored of them and eventually give them to him.

If you point this out, he will deny it.

I always noticed this about him, but let it go, because I thought he was trustworthy and loyal. His friends thought the same because that is the persona he projects to them.

Some of his men friends were just as shocked to hear of his affair as I was.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1455 | Registered: May 2014
Tammy1
♀ Member
Member # 43280
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have struggled with this question since dday. But yes, I do think he is a good person who made terrible, selfish choices. We have a 20 year history together. I've always known that he has a dark, selfish side to his personality. But I have a selfish side too. That doesn't define either of us because we are both also very giving and kind to others. It does scare me that as much as I thought I knew him inside and out, there was obviously a side I didn't know.


BW: 40 (me)
WH: 42 (him)
Married 18 years
3 kids
D-Day: 4/7/14, 9 month LTA
Together- trying to R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. He is a good man who made very bad choices that hurt me deeply.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, a good person with really bad coping skills.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 341 | Registered: Sep 2013
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. Actually by most metrics she's a better person than me. I have developed some very manipulative behaviors (FOO) and they still get in my way sometimes.

Yeh, she cheated but it started out by her playing KISA to her APs. As a good person, she really was being a friend to a friend in need, but as an flawed person didn't have any boundries.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right after dday I really questioned this. The man my husband had become really scared me!! Over the next few months I discovered some of the awful things he had done. He fundamentally was a good person to everyone probably except for ME- the person he should be protecting most. Ugh! He has made a ton of changes over the past few months and I know that I am number one priority with him now. That he would protect me above all else. He now sees all of his bad boundaries and how being a nice guy really isn't always a good thing. I can now say that my WS is a good person. But he made some very bad decisions and that I will not forget.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Apr 2014
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I believed he was a good guy who got caught up in making horrible, ridiculous choices. After months and months, years really, of TT, I had to face he was not a nice guy. He was a selfish, immature person who thought of himself first while professing to be remorseful and loving me. He did not love me "enough" to quit protecting himself, the OW, and his A.

Now? I still do not know. TT kills your ability to know anything for sure. No matter what he says now, I know he continued his lying past the A. Everything about an A is about lying during the A, I accepted that. My extra level of pain comes because he continued lying outside of the A, outside of the fog, outside of the sneaking around, outside of the need to protect their liaisons. He lied after the A because he loves himself, not me.

Is he a good person? I do not know anymore. I hate that.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Absolutely.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I really do. I believed it on dday and it's why I tried to reconcile. I thought this was an aberration. I'm glad he hasn't proven me wrong. (knock wood)


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Noble even.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 276 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Topic Posts: 50
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