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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you still think your WS is a good person?
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he is and always has been a good person, even during the As. He was hurting, he was self loathing and he used the As as a way of trying to fill the empty void within himself instead of communicating his pain and seeking help. He is no different than an alcoholic or a drug addict who didn't seek help. I just wish that his choices weren't so deeply damaging and destructive of me. I selfishly wish in a way that he was addicted to drugs or alcohol instead, so that the pain he inflicted was primarily on himself although I know I'd suffer from those cases too, just not so intensely and not so damaging to my sense of self. I realize this situation is not the case for all As, but in my case he was a very hurting man who did some terrible things because he didn't know how to cope with life and wished he was dead. He did not have As because he thought he could, because he felt he deserved them or because he felt he loved the AP. He had them because he was searching for something in life and didn't know how to find it. I can see the human condition in him, the pain and suffering enough to know that he never wanted to cause any of this pain. He compartmentalized his actions to believe I wouldn't 'care' or react the way I did. It's not an excuse, he screwed up massively, and he never stopped himself but I do see him as essentially good with some major FOO issues, core belief issues and lack of self worth. I see the Ap in very similar lights, sad and broken, spiraling out of control and not having hit rock bottom yet. He hit rock bottom, Dday saved his life.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 646 | Registered: Mar 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chinadoll30,
How long has it been since Dday? I ask because our feelings go through radical transformations as we process what our WSs' did to us. At first, we may do all we can to make sure they will never stray again and we love them and want them, and justify those feelings by blaming the AP and seeing our WS's in the most positive light possible. After all, we wouldn't want to win back the affections of a psycho or a sadist, would we? Then one day we wake up and look at them and think, "Ick! He (or she) is disgusting. How can I love someone who is capable of hurting someone else so much?"

As blinders fall off the eyes and comfort begins to be restored in the relationship, numbness gives way to feelings - feelings that hurt. And we begin to see our WS's for what they are and, more so, for what they DID to us. It apparently is normal. I am going through it too. Thanks to the wonderful people here at SI, I realize that I was engaging in Hysterical Bonding for a while there. Now I see my H and think of what he did and it makes me sick. I have been assured that the good feelings will return - as long as he keeps showing me that they is trying, which he is, very hard.

I don't know the details of your situation, but does any of this resonate with you? Or am I totally off-base here?

Hang in there! This is all a very long process with shifting emotions and varying degrees of pain and acceptance.

(((Chinadoll30)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 422 | Registered: May 2014
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the A my WH was not a "good person". He was selfish, entitled, cruel, self-protecting, and emotionally/psychologically/spiritually abusive - not just in our marriage but in virtually every relationship. But the A does not define him as a person forever. He is doing what he needs to do to fix himself. He is a good person. Absolutely.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even those who are good lose their way sometimes.

My husband was always a loving, caring man. I believe in him and feel his goodness every day.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
JT4588
♀ Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple answer - absolutely not. The day he chose to betray me and our marriage, his being a "good person" disappeared. A person who can lie straight to my face, betray me, hurt me, and cheat on me is NOT a good person.

Yes, people are human and people make mistakes. His affair wasn't a mistake - it was a choice. A choice he made every time he emailed, everytime he called that bitch.

He used to be a good person and I was always proud of him - proud to call him my husband. Now? OH HELL NO!!!! Still trying to put the pieces of our marriage back together but I will never look at him as a "good person" again. A good person just doesn't do that to people they love.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, definitely. I even said that to him on d-day. I believe he is a good person who made horrible, selfish choices.

I wouldn't be able to reconcile with my FWH if I didn't believe he was a good man. Why would I want to reconcile with a "bad" man?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9792 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not think that my WH was a good person before DDay...Quite honestly he was a selfish, dishonest, POS, alcoholic asshole who I should have D. "Good" people do not intentionally hurt others...certainly not their loved ones.

Only after facing the reality of losing his family did he make major changes and become a far better human being. Had he not there is no question he would be gone,

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 2:50 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I didn't know what to think. But now after time has passed and lots of discussion I think he is a good person but one who was weak and made a huge mistake.

We are on the same page now about how bad his behavior was though which helped and he is remorseful.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this one - the timing of the affair for me makes me question his values (just shortly before birth of first child and e slept with OW while I was in hospital after the birth). I know he has lots of good qualities or I wouldn't be trying to R but I do question if he is fundamentally a man guided by values or by his own desires - the betrayal rocked my world because he did it knowing it was my worst fear (my father did it to my mum) and after we experienced so much trying for a child - last thing I expected ....

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
ddame23
♀ Member
Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see my cheater as a good person in general, but I struggle to find a way to live with his actions.

[This message edited by ddame23 at 7:51 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]



D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...


Posts: 59 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
Mama3030
♀ New Member
Member # 42553
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe my WH is a good person, but has a lot of demons and addiction issues.


I wouldn't try to reconcile at all if I thought it was hopeless or he didn't care/have any remorse.


WH 42
BS (me) 33
3 kids- 6. 4, infant

Together 13 years, married for 8

DDAY 2/21/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 10 months from dday and this is my biggest fear. Is the man I am married to the type of person I want as a husband or not? Was he ever? Did he fool me for 20 years into thinking he was this wonderful, sincere, honest, loving, committed, trustworthy man with good character and values? Was he ever that man? Is he now?

It scares the breath out of me sometimes. Not feeling like I really KNOW HIM. Feeling like the man I loved with all my heart might not have ever existed. There are times when I look at him, and his physical presence is familiar, but inside I wonder if he is a stranger...someone who took my husband away.

I know I feel like this because recovery seems to be going very well. That might sound strange but our MC says its normal. Things are going well, and so I get scared, because the more I believe in him again, the more I trust him again, the more vulnerable I feel, so my instinct is to protect myself by finding justification to hold myself back.

He has done all the "things" he is supposed to, and he is still doing them...NC, transparent, read the books, goes to IC and MC, is understanding when I'm upset, owns what he did, is loving and affectionate, etc...but something in me just doesn't feel like he is sorry ENOUGH. Sorry that he hurt me yes, sorry that he was a horrible human being? I'm not sure. I think I would still be crying in remorse and regret, if I did what he did. He says he has to be able to get over it to move on, and he just wants it to be behind him (I think he just wants to pretend it didn't happen)
I think sometimes that no matter he does it wouldn't be enough, that I would find a way to look at it, and find fault. Because I'm trying to figure out who he is, and I'd rather be safe than sorry. How will I ever know?


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was a good person to everyone but me. He was a functioning alcoholic and I was the person he was always pissed off at. Before the affair we would mix around, on good times that he had everyone fooled.
I don't think my husband had the affair because he was a bad person. I think he was a good person who made a bad decision. Now that he doesn't drink I get to have the good guy too.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea who my WW actually is.
I do not know if she knows who she is or not.
She is so broken she does not reveal her true self to anyone.
It makes me so incredibly sad that I can not answer this question.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 4:27 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being human, we all make mistakes. We all fall.

Are there degrees of severity of mistakes? Of course.

I do believe that there is good in everyone (call me an optimist)

So whereas, I hate my FWH's choices and behavior and I hate that he was capable of the betrayal and lies...

I look into his eyes and know that he is sad and sorry. For the hurt he's caused me and our family. I also know that he is ashamed of himself and allowing himself to do what he did. Guilt is a heavy burden to carry around too. Self inflicted but heavy.

So, do I think he is a good person, yes. But that came after many tears, much therapy, and many prayers.

I hope your WS is helping you heal as they come to terms with what they've done.

(((hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:29 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sunnydaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 43756
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always thought my FWH was a good person, the best. After discovering his LTA and all of the lies he told for years, I am not sure what I think about him anymore. In my mind a good person might have slipped up and made a mistake, but to look me in the eye and lie over and over and to have sex with another mans wife is not a mistake or a slip.....it is downright evil.

H is remorseful and doing everything he can to fix his problems and become a good person again. We are attempting to R, but only time and his future actions will tell what kind of man he is capable of being. I hope he is successful.


Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really go along with the whole 'good person' or 'bad person' thing. No one is completely one or the other, we are all a mix of both because that is human nature.

But essentially, yes. I believe that my husband is a good man. A man that made some very poor decisions and caused a lot of pain but he is trying his best to fix it.
I wouldn't be trying to R if I didn't feel in my gut that he wasn't a good person.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Allornothing
♀ Member
Member # 42354
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I do.


Me- BS 43
Him- FWH 43
Married 19 years, Together 26
Kids- 23,21,15,14
D Day- 7 Sept 2013
OW- Irrelevant

Posts: 187 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does one know for sure what truly is in another's heart? Are some evil but suppress and behave "good"? Are some good but can not fight the evil?

I only know what is truly in my heart. I am a good person and one day when I answer to God I hope he feels the same

My husband.. I thought he was a good person. He behaves positively, putting others before himself. Made good decisions. Until 2.5 years ago when he chose some pretty gross things.
Maybe he always was that way but suppressed it? Maybe he wasn't.

Who knows


Posts: 352 | Registered: Dec 2013
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 7:07 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JT4588,

Please follow the forum description. There is no OW namecalling in the Reconciliation Forum.

Thank you.


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