As blinders fall off the eyes and comfort begins to be restored in the relationship, numbness gives way to feelings - feelings that hurt. And we begin to see our WS's for what they are and, more so, for what they DID to us. It apparently is normal. I am going through it too. Thanks to the wonderful people here at SI, I realize that I was engaging in Hysterical Bonding for a while there. Now I see my H and think of what he did and it makes me sick. I have been assured that the good feelings will return - as long as he keeps showing me that they is trying, which he is, very hard.
I don't know the details of your situation, but does any of this resonate with you? Or am I totally off-base here?
Hang in there! This is all a very long process with shifting emotions and varying degrees of pain and acceptance.
My husband was always a loving, caring man. I believe in him and feel his goodness every day.
Yes, people are human and people make mistakes. His affair wasn't a mistake - it was a choice. A choice he made every time he emailed, everytime he called that bitch.
He used to be a good person and I was always proud of him - proud to call him my husband. Now? OH HELL NO!!!! Still trying to put the pieces of our marriage back together but I will never look at him as a "good person" again. A good person just doesn't do that to people they love.
I wouldn't be able to reconcile with my FWH if I didn't believe he was a good man. Why would I want to reconcile with a "bad" man?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Only after facing the reality of losing his family did he make major changes and become a far better human being. Had he not there is no question he would be gone,
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 2:50 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
We are on the same page now about how bad his behavior was though which helped and he is remorseful.
[This message edited by ddame23 at 7:51 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]
I wouldn't try to reconcile at all if I thought it was hopeless or he didn't care/have any remorse.
Together 13 years, married for 8
It scares the breath out of me sometimes. Not feeling like I really KNOW HIM. Feeling like the man I loved with all my heart might not have ever existed. There are times when I look at him, and his physical presence is familiar, but inside I wonder if he is a stranger...someone who took my husband away.
I know I feel like this because recovery seems to be going very well. That might sound strange but our MC says its normal. Things are going well, and so I get scared, because the more I believe in him again, the more I trust him again, the more vulnerable I feel, so my instinct is to protect myself by finding justification to hold myself back.
He has done all the "things" he is supposed to, and he is still doing them...NC, transparent, read the books, goes to IC and MC, is understanding when I'm upset, owns what he did, is loving and affectionate, etc...but something in me just doesn't feel like he is sorry ENOUGH. Sorry that he hurt me yes, sorry that he was a horrible human being? I'm not sure. I think I would still be crying in remorse and regret, if I did what he did. He says he has to be able to get over it to move on, and he just wants it to be behind him (I think he just wants to pretend it didn't happen)
I think sometimes that no matter he does it wouldn't be enough, that I would find a way to look at it, and find fault. Because I'm trying to figure out who he is, and I'd rather be safe than sorry. How will I ever know?
Are there degrees of severity of mistakes? Of course.
I do believe that there is good in everyone (call me an optimist)
So whereas, I hate my FWH's choices and behavior and I hate that he was capable of the betrayal and lies...
I look into his eyes and know that he is sad and sorry. For the hurt he's caused me and our family. I also know that he is ashamed of himself and allowing himself to do what he did. Guilt is a heavy burden to carry around too. Self inflicted but heavy.
So, do I think he is a good person, yes. But that came after many tears, much therapy, and many prayers.
I hope your WS is helping you heal as they come to terms with what they've done.
(((hugs and prayers)))
[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:29 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]
H is remorseful and doing everything he can to fix his problems and become a good person again. We are attempting to R, but only time and his future actions will tell what kind of man he is capable of being. I hope he is successful.
But essentially, yes. I believe that my husband is a good man. A man that made some very poor decisions and caused a lot of pain but he is trying his best to fix it.
I wouldn't be trying to R if I didn't feel in my gut that he wasn't a good person.
My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I only know what is truly in my heart. I am a good person and one day when I answer to God I hope he feels the same
My husband.. I thought he was a good person. He behaves positively, putting others before himself. Made good decisions. Until 2.5 years ago when he chose some pretty gross things.
Maybe he always was that way but suppressed it? Maybe he wasn't.
Please follow the forum description. There is no OW namecalling in the Reconciliation Forum.