How does one know for sure what truly is in another's heart?
Of course, we cannot.
But, I think the question is more "good for us person" or "not good for us person".
It is not so much a judgement of the person him/herself, but a judgement of the person's effect upon you and your children.
I could easily, at the time, see that she was a "not good for me person", because her effect continuum upon me was pain and damage to my psychological health.
I made a judgement call about her effect upon our children, which in retrospect, turned out to be very wrong.
Her effect continuum toward the kids seemed that she was a good nurturer and homemaker for them. The insidious effect that I didn't see at the time was how my staying in the home taught my elder son that wife abuse was "normal", instead of demonstrating that a husband should not tolerate it.
So when you ask is someone a good person? I would say that what is good for one person may not be good for another. Our tolerence level of what good or love is based on FOO issues.
I don't know if that makes sense. But there you go.
He has FOO and that contributed a lot...it is not his fault he has FOO and had trouble dealing with it...there was a long history in his past, his father's past and so forth that made him who he was and what his weaknesses were...why he decided to act out in this way I guess is not uncommon.
I have lied too. I have done things I am not proud of...I hope others have forgiven me and do not judge me for all my actions...Most of my actions are good...and so are his...yes, a big mistake but human and loving.
A person, a human, is many things, capable of doing many many wonderful things and some not so great...I often think of a great deal of many "good" people who got sucked into WWII and all that craziness....they were husbands and fathers and sons too...well, the whole human race is capable of horrible stuff....but wonderful stuff too...that is just the reality, I guess...
Wish I could live in Disney Land forever...not real life
I agree with ItsaClimb. My WH has a long pattern of deceptions, big and small. I "rug swept" how much it bothered me over the years. Never again.
He sees himself as a "good person" who made a horrible mistake. He has never looked objectively at all the deceptive self-talk, the ridiculous justifications for deceit, and especially at his behavior prior to and during the A. He sees what he wants to see.
Plus, I would never let someone else have him.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA