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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: because of you
gctitansfan
♂ New Member
Member # 44053
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i had recently caught my partner cheating on me when i confronted her about it and asked her why she said that she thought we were going to break up and felt that i had not been paying her enough attention and it was because of me and my actions or lack of that she did it. but she did admit she made a mistake but feels im partly responsible. looking back at it now i must admit i was neglectful and im feeling a little bit like i pushed her to do it, so what im wondering is how much attention does a woman need and is there such thing as to much attention, i mean if i do decide to get into another relationship i dont want to smother her because now i think i need

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: australia
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reasons for an affair cannot be blamed on the betrayed partner. Your partner had other options.

Have you decided whether the two of you will try to reconcile? If so, read the info in the Healing Library (upper right corner).

Of course, every woman is different in how much attention they need/want.

Good luck to you!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...asked her why she said that she thought we were going to break up and felt that i had not been paying her enough attention and it was because of me and my actions or lack of that she did it. but she did admit she made a mistake but feels im partly responsible. looking back at it now i must admit i was neglectful

My wayward used the same baloney. He claimed he thought I did not love him.

This is clearly blameshifting. Do not allow it. She needs counseling to understand that the affair was all her fault and her choice.

She could have talked to you about her concerns or sought counseling, instead she chose to be disrespectful of you and the marriage by having an affair behind your back.

Did she really think that the affair would solve the problems. No. It was something she wanted and she chose to engage with the other man.

Even worse, now she is claiming it is YOUR fault she had an affair.

It is not your fault.

All marriages have ups and downs. Being able to weather the storms in the marriage is what love and comittment is all about.

Your spouse like mine, when the going got a bit tough, decided to do something selfish and self absorbed, and very traumatizing to you.

Your spouse needs to face herself by accepting blame for her negative behavior and poor coping skills.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1361 | Registered: May 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you perfect? No. But is your lack of perfection, when NONE of us is perfect, really a reason for her to claim she is justified in cheating?!?!

Don't let her make you take this on yourself. SHE is the broken one. YOU are the one who was trying to do the work of being in a real relationship. Don't buy her gaslighting, blameshifting noensense. It makes me mad when these cheaters try to turn everything around on the betrayed partner!!!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheating on someone is a sure sign that the individual is a seriously selfish and messed up person. There are so many choices that one can make besides cheating. If she thought the relationship was so bad why didn't she speak up so that you could try and meet her needs?

Why didn't she break up with you? She didn't do those things because she is a selfish person and no matter how much attention you poured on her it would never be enough because she has an empty hole inside her. She can never be filled with enough attention because of it, at least until she gets some counseling and figures out why she did this.

Don't let her blame you for the affair. It's ok to admit fault on your part for the detriment of the relationship but cheating is all on her.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
soccermom9
♀ Member
Member # 43805
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You definitely need to realize you did not cause her choice to cheat! She made that choice alone! Regardless of anything you did or didnt do! Did she try to talk to you about what was going on? Even if she did and you ignored her it was still NOT OK to cheat!!!!


Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Kentucky
Topic Posts: 6

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