...asked her why she said that she thought we were going to break up and felt that i had not been paying her enough attention and it was because of me and my actions or lack of that she did it. but she did admit she made a mistake but feels im partly responsible. looking back at it now i must admit i was neglectful
My wayward used the same baloney. He claimed he thought I did not love him.
This is clearly blameshifting. Do not allow it. She needs counseling to understand that the affair was all her fault and her choice.
She could have talked to you about her concerns or sought counseling, instead she chose to be disrespectful of you and the marriage by having an affair behind your back.
Did she really think that the affair would solve the problems. No. It was something she wanted and she chose to engage with the other man.
Even worse, now she is claiming it is YOUR fault she had an affair.
It is not your fault.
All marriages have ups and downs. Being able to weather the storms in the marriage is what love and comittment is all about.
Your spouse like mine, when the going got a bit tough, decided to do something selfish and self absorbed, and very traumatizing to you.
Your spouse needs to face herself by accepting blame for her negative behavior and poor coping skills.