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User Topic: Puzzling Statement from IC
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC told me the more I did around the house, the more fWW resented what I was doing and respected me less because I did not insist she did her fair share.
HTH does your IC know this? Really--this is a serious question. Does she have a basis, in fact, for this statement, or is she assuming? Does she see your wife for IC as well? Does she do MC with the two of you? Was this presented as fact, or suggested as a possibility?

Frankly, it smacks of blaming the BS to me. If your wife resented your helpfulness, then I think she was looking for something to resent. Because most of us would be deeply, deeply appreciative of a partner who went to such great lengths to help us reach our goals.

I was (am, still, actually) married to a man who was an offense-seeker. He did resent me for ...everything. He felt (feels) vastly inferior to me, and believed I was judging him as such. After d-day, his perplexing refrain was, "Get off your high horse!" I had no idea I had a horse, let alone that I was on it---I had spent our marriage doing the best I could to be supportive and loving. I had no idea that he resented me for this.

WHY did he resent me?

Here's the important part: It had absolutely NOTHING to do with my actions. I could be supportive and helpful; he resented me. When I began to pull back, he resented me. When I pulled the 180, he resented me.

He wanted to resent me. It was part of his M.O. It gave him permission to cheat.

So if, in fact, your IC is right (and I am not sure she is; I'd touch base with your wife about this), then ...so what?

It's not really terribly useful information for you. Your wife chose to respond to your actions with resentment and infidelity.

That is not an adaptive, healthy response to a loving spouse going the extra mile in a marriage. It simply is not.

It is not a directive to give less in the relationship, either.

What it is is food for thought. And the thinking should primarily be done by your wife.

Because you're not the one who did anything wrong in this scenario.

What, about her, took loving and giving actions by a loving and giving man and turned them into the kind of resentment that bred infidelity?

That's the real question.

I won't render an opinion about your IC, because she might be otherwise wonderful. I would be watchful, though, as counseling progresses; if there is much further exploration of what you did to contribute to your wife's cheating, I think I'd begin to think of locating another IC.

IC is not about taking responsibility for the actions of others. It's about learning to meet your own emotional needs as healthily as possible.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:39 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
annanew
♀ Member
Member # 43693
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I don't think this is some kind of bizarre wayward behavior. It's human behavior.

Events that are offered for free are often less well-attended than events that are paid. If it's free, potential attendees are not "losing money" if they don't show up, so they don't. This doesn't apply to all types of events of course, but it seems to be the case for most work-related events, for example.

Ben Franklin had a political opponent that he turned into an ally by asking him for lots of favors. The guy obliged out of politeness at first, but the more he gave, the more he valued the relationship, and the two became friends.

It might be counter-intuitive but it's very common.


Happy single mom to a sweet little girl.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC said the same thing and I totally saw this. It is just a different version of the "controlling" thing. I was too controlling. No, I was doing every fing thing because all you did was work. I mean every thing around the house. Well no, he did turn the dishwasher on right before bed. Really the only thing I noticed when he left.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
ShellyShell
♀ Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Irish my WS and my IC said the same thing. I took on the lion's share of the household duties and child raising because WS had a very demanding career and was constantly stressed/tired or traveling. Even when I was pregnant with a full time job and a toddler. Even later on when I was a full time grad student with 2 small kids. Eventually, he began to resent me because he didn't feel "needed". He said he felt like an outsider when he was home because we were so good at getting along without him. (Meanwhile whenever I asked for help he'd complain about being tired. SMH) He also resented me for being too exhausted to have amazing sex frequently, and for not wearing cute clothes often enough... even though we were living paycheck to paycheck. He also wanted more attention.

So a lot of us BSs were expected to take care of most of the housework, bill paying, and child raising while holding down school or a job; find the energy and time to lavish our spouses with attention and enthusiastic sex on demand, while finding the cash, time and energy to maintain ourselves and/or maintain the romance not at an acceptable level, but at a very high level. This without them actually having to help out much. Just enough to feel needed and only in the ways they choose, lest we are nagging spouses who do not understand how hard their life is and are not being supportive in thier time of need.

Camalus, this is NOT about us. These are people with unrealistic, self centered worldviews who literally think the world is supposed to be as smooth for them as possible and start looking to blame when it is not. That, or they have low self esteem and can't deal with stress because it makes them feel like bigger failures than they already feel, and you going the extra mile for them just makes them feel like more of a failure... because the truth is everything in life that is not perfection makes them feel like failures. It is so not us.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 10:51 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Events that are offered for free are often less well-attended than events that are paid. If it's free, potential attendees are not "losing money" if they don't show up, so they don't. This doesn't apply to all types of events of course, but it seems to be the case for most work-related events, for example.

Ben Franklin had a political opponent that he turned into an ally by asking him for lots of favors. The guy obliged out of politeness at first, but the more he gave, the more he valued the relationship, and the two became friends.

It might be counter-intuitive but it's very common.

Exactly. My FWH and I explored this a lot after his A.

You remember what it was like when you got your first job and you realized taxes were taken out of your hard earned paycheck? Suddenly you were very interested in voting. Investment of your time, energy and money comes with feelings of investment. Owning versus renting versus visiting.

I did this to my own FWH partly in recovery after my own EA (I'm a mad hatter). I edged him out of the family while I was trying to fix myself and our marriage. I took over everything. It started to make him feel "apart" or out of the loop, or like the complicated ties and lines to his family were being loosened.

I don't take that as blame for his A. It wasn't "why" he had the A - it was just one more background feeling clicking into place. It's too complicated to be a simple cause/effect. It's more of a lesson in maintaining a healthy marriage, in our case. In our healthy marriage we are both conscious of our investment - not just doing enough, but also not doing too much. In small doses one spouse can take over 90% of the day to day investment - my FIL died, my FWH wasn't able to be the 50% spouse he had been for a while. That's ok. I stepped up. But gradually I handed his part of the reins back to him actually because we had learned the lesson that those obligations were crucial for our family unit.

In your case, maybe the "taking over" that was clearly a loving gesture went on long enough that your FWW's investment was weakened. That's not on you - you were doing what you needed to do to make her education possible. But personally, just from my own experience, the gift of carrying the majority of the family work has to be a short-term gift for specific spaces of time. My FWH and I didn't realize how important that was. Maybe your IC is saying that this is an example of how important that was in your marriage as well.

Again this is not about blaming you for the A. It's about marriage dynamics in general.


Posts: 3193 | Registered: Mar 2005
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The minute I read your IC's statement my red flag went off. I agree with Solus and how she posted the entire perception.

Frankly, it smacks of blaming the BS to me. If your wife resented your helpfulness, then I think she was looking for something to resent.

was (am, still, actually) married to a man who was an offense-seeker. He did resent me for ...everything. He felt (feels) vastly inferior to me, and believed I was judging him as such. After d-day, his perplexing refrain was, "Get off your high horse!" I had no idea I had a horse, let alone that I was on it---I had spent our marriage doing the best I could to be supportive and loving. I had no idea that he resented me for this.

WHY did he resent me?

Here's the important part: It had absolutely NOTHING to do with my actions. I could be supportive and helpful; he resented me. When I began to pull back, he resented me. When I pulled the 180, he resented me.

He wanted to resent me. It was part of his M.O. It gave him permission to cheat.

It's not resentment. It's messed up thinking. Almost like misogyny (what's opposite sex version?)looking for a place to happen. This person has problems if they even go there--not appreciating their spouse or using that against them?? Darned if you do, darned if you don't thinking for BS, and lose, lose situation.

I don't like the IC using this statement. I'd actually analyze IC's other statements and see if there are further comments that hint at blaming BS. The BS has been self blaming from the start. Why add more (or accentuate it) making it even harder and longer to get beyond the pain and even start to heal?



Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2011
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, it smacks of blaming the BS to me. If your wife resented your helpfulness, then I think she was looking for something to resent.

My IC was not trying to place any blame on me. She was simply trying to help me understand what broken thinking my fWW indulged in to justify her affair.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC was not trying to place any blame on me. She was simply trying to help me understand what broken thinking my fWW indulged in to justify her affair.

The danger in your therapist telling you this is that it still puts an onus on you whether it was intended or not. Your IC is analyzing your WW without talking to or even SEEING her. That's bullshit. Waywards cheat for any one or more of a thousand justifications (in their minds). In my situation, yes, I did more than the X, but his 'reason' for cheating was that the OW was part of the 'cool crowd' at work, and the poor little outcast child wanted to be part of that crowd. (lots of childhood and FOO issues.)

Just because someone calls him/herself a counselor/therapist/IC does not make them a good one. Good ones are very difficult to find, and most do more harm than good.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it seems this is a statement about your WS, not about you. Now that you have the thought rattling around in your head, you can examine whether it fits your particular WS.

And if it does, you can also check to see whether your WS is addressing this toxic thought pattern. Are you in MC? If so, I would suggest bringing it up there.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 29
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