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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

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User Topic: It feels so selfish
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always thought it was my H job to take care of me & mine to take care of him. It feels so selfish expressing my needs, wants & desires and taking care of them without placing my WH needs wants & desires before my own. But Iím learning if I donít take care of myself no one will.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one of those, "put on your own oxygen mask first" moments. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't hope to take care of someone else. I'm really bad at doing it too, but recognizing it is the first step. Then comes the continual effort until it feels natural.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 610 | Registered: May 2014
TimeToGo2014
♀ Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you're saying. When you start seeing the benefits of taking care of you first, and how your other relationships improve when you treat yourself with compassion, kindness, self care- it will become easier and natural.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jun 2014
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried not expressing needs and thinking of myself, at least as far as how my time is spent...didn't work at all. Barely hanging on as it is.

It still feels strange trying to think, "what do I need right now" instead of the usual "What should I be doing right now." Sometimes when these two things got into enough conflict I'd just shut down altogether, still happens too.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 803 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
soccermom9
♀ Member
Member # 43805
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also a giver and struggling to do take care of myself. Its only been 3 weeks since my Dday and I still find myself taking care of him over my own needs. I wonder if this is counterproductive since he may feel his actions were ok!


Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Kentucky
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. It felt so strange at first but its getting easier. I'm kind of liking it now. In the beginning though, I felt very selfish because.I was raised that way, put others before yourself. That may work if those others reciprocated.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
HighlandPaddy
♂ Member
Member # 43930
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Irish girl- that's a great analogy. I'm going to borrow that one.


So live your life that fear of death can never enter your heart.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 7

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