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Newest Member: Nexttome (45693)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: newbie advice
kima
♀ New Member
Member # 43849
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you could give only one piece of advice for divorce what would it be?


Anything or anybody that does not bring you alive is too small for you -david whyte

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: kima
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're divorcing an unremorseful wayward, remember that they are a good liar who will try to make you feel guilty/sorry for them. So try and detach and mentally tell yourself it's all a business arrangement and about what you need now, and in the future, to be able to thrive without them.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1097 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce is not a panacea. It is painful and hard, even when you know it is the right decision, so be prepared for that.

If I could give 2 pieces of advice: do it sooner rather than later. Skip the separation and file right away. My ex was still feeling guilty, he wasn't as enmeshed yet with OW to influence him, and I got a very generous divorce agreement. A year or so later, I think I would not have gotten so much.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 525 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Treat the divorce as a business transaction. Take all of the emotion out of the equation. Get a good attorney and get what you need and deserve.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20414 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kima
♀ New Member
Member # 43849
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed for a divorce a day before he told me the truth. I post poned it and let him move back in because he seemed remoseful. Since then i can see he still makes decisions out of circumstance instead of values so i took the divorce off hold and had him move out again. He did already change his tune, back in january he was willing to leave everything but now he is threatening lawyer etc. Im not too worried about my physical items they have no meaning to me but im concerned i dont know enough about the process to protect myself (emotionally).


Anything or anybody that does not bring you alive is too small for you -david whyte

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: kima
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get a good therapist and a good lawyer. Let them do the heavy lifting.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Good therapist and a good lawyer, and don't confuse the two.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As sad in az mentioned keep emotions out of it its business. And a good therapist might be beneficial. And as was also stated, don't confuse the two! Good luck stay strong.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say - take the emotion out it. Treat it like breaking up a business.

Because that pretty much what D is; I wish I'd listened when that advice was given to me.



Posts: 14411 | Registered: Jun 2008
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My piece of advice would be two things....

1) Just like others have said, as hard as it is, try to keep the emotions out of it and treat this like a business deal. You are tying to get the best for you. He didn't think about you when he made his choices so don't think about him in the decisions you and your L make.

2) Just because most states do not recognize the affair for grounds for divorce does not mean that certain aspects of the A should be ignored. Especially financially. My XWH spent over 10K dollars on his affair over a 6 year period using joint assets. As my L put it, having an affair is not illegal, using community property money to support the A is. He was basically taking money from our family to support another lifestyle and courts frown upon that.
Even though he had a separate account in his name only to support the A, he put money into that account from his paycheck and bonuses which is considered community property. I had all of that subpoenaed and my L used it to get the better settlement.
HUGS...


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
23 years of Marriage down the drain
Filed 4/5/11
Divorced 4/17/12

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is more for life after the D, but remember it's not a competition. Try not to compare your life with your X. It's not a race to see who remarries first, vacations better, buys a bigger house, etc. Focus on making your life into something you love and you will be so much happier.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
foxglove
♀ Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice? Don't waste any energy trying to figure out "the why" because there is no rational explanation.

It's good to think about your role in the marriage relationship, and what you've learned about yourself, but seriously, don't waste time on trying to make sense of nonsense.


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good lawyer experienced in family law is key.

Remember you are opposing parties in a lawsuit and act accordingly. They are not your friend or confidante.

Your lawyer is not your therapist. If you need a therapist, get one very experienced in infidelity.

Focus on your financial and property settlement. This is your future here.

Don't fixate on the marital home. A home is more than four walls. Don't keep the house at the expense of something else. A fresh start may do everyone good.

Don't use the kids as pawns or leverage. If he other party is just an asshole but otherwise a decent parent with a bond with their children, I would encourage a parenting plan that allows both parents to spend time with their kids.

If you are unfortunate enough to be dealing with a narcissist or other disordered person, get temporary orders as soon as possible. Without orders, you have no legal recourse and they can stop paying child support, clean out retirement accounts and run off to Tahiti with the pool boy with impunity.

Most states do this automatically, but some do not. File a financial restraining order with your divorce paperwork. It is legal recourse if they drain accounts or liquidate assets.

The AP--should they still be present--is going to be able to be around your children (there are exceptions, but no third party rules are very difficult to enforce). Deal with this in therapy--individual and family.

You may have to resign yourself to parallel parenting vs. co parenting. It is not the end of the world.

Make sure you nail down things like an automobile for the children (and insurance and maintenance), college expenses, etc. Kids grow up.

I don't recommend having loose language in an agreement. Have vacations, holiday schedule, weekend parenting time hours, drop offs, notification for vacation, who has school vacation times, etc., specified. Don't leave anything to chance--you can always be more flexible, but there is no way to tighten up a loosely worded agreement and be able to enforce it. The best way to do this is by odd/even years. This way there is no doubt who has Thanksgiving in 2014.

If you have young kids, I would recommend the right of first refusal--if a parent is going to be gone during their parenting time for more than X hours, the other parent gets the option to take them (or not).

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29706 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget to maintain rock solid NC. You don't want to get manipulated into anything - let the lawyers handle it all.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your stbx didn't respect or help you during the marriage, don't expect him or her to do so during the divorce. Your job is to take care of you his or her job is to take care of him or herself. Don't mix up the two.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13854 | Registered: Jul 2011
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

File earlier rather than later. Get the best attorney you can afford. Detach and don't listen to your WH.

Take care of you.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
kima
♀ New Member
Member # 43849
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!


Anything or anybody that does not bring you alive is too small for you -david whyte

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: kima
Topic Posts: 17

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