Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Cje33 (45758)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Finally admitting I need help
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after thing with new guy ended, I jumped right back on OLD. And it was a disaster. I went on two dates with one guy that I was excited about, and then backed away because of some red flags I saw. Then started talking to another guy in emails, but he has scared me away because he's giving me too much attention. Started talking a third guy, and then realized his divorce isn't final yet.

Now I'm sitting here missing new guy, and thought about sending him a message saying I made a mistake.

And then bam, it hit me. I'm screwed up. I'm damaged. I shouldn't be dating. I have no clue what I want in a SO. I mean, I think I know. But obviously, I don't. I ended things with new guy because he wasn't giving me enough attention. But then I was emailing a decent guy on OLD, and he scared me away because his messages were too frequent. How does that make any sense? It doesn't. It doesn't make sense because there is something wrong with me.

So, I just called a new IC and left a voicemail saying I want to make an appointment. I had been resisting doing that because I thought I had it all figured out. But I clearly don't. I want a family someday, and I want a healthy relationship. So it's time to spend some time working on myself.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Taking care of yourself is so hard but it's so worth it.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 664 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you. It is normal to miss someone that you broke up with, after all there WERE good parts to the relationship. It is a process and there will be good and bad days.

But, I always think going to IC is a great idea to help sharpen what you want in a relationship. Start trusting yourself and what you will and won't compromise on.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

High five, Girlfriend!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10039 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing is wrong with you. It is all nature with what we have gone through. OLD is a crazy place when we are going through the stage we are.
I completely understand you, deep inside you, you know what is right to do.

Don't ever blame yourself, you did good, it can only gets better.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for taking a difficult but healthy step in working through some of the bumps and rough spots.

And I am wondering...what are you afraid of by being alone?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15418 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it takes a while to realize that our dating is a bit compulsive, or driven by needs we don't quite understand and which therefore have unseen control over us.

I am still trying to figure out if I'm making healthy decisions, if I'm really emotionally available, if I have properly adjusted what I'm looking for and demand...so it is definitely a journey. But all the more reason to pause and take stock and recalibrate your instruments before setting out in earnest.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I am wondering...what are you afraid of by being alone?

I'm not scared of being alone. Sometimes I wonder how I would actually fit a steady SO into my life because I'm so busy. Like, for example, I already have plans for all three days this weekend with friends. I'm very happy with my friends.

But... I just want a family. I want a husband to come home to at night, and I want kids. I'm turning 30 in October, and I just always thought growing up that I'd have a family by now. I know I'm not that old and I know that I still have time for it, but I just really want it.

I want someone to share my successes and failures with. I know I have friends for that, but it's not quite the same. I won a court of appeals thing, and my friends all said congrats. But I wish I had a SO to talk about it for an hour and who would be as excited as me about it.

I found out today that I have to have my wisdom teeth out. I'm terrified. I was supposed to get them out years ago, and put it off. Now the tooth is decayed, and the dentist was telling me all the horrible things that could happen. So, I'm doing it. And I wish I had a SO to go with me and take care of me afterward. I asked my mom to drive 6 hours to come up for it, and she is. But just stuff like that, I wish I had someone.

Trying to date on OLD was a disaster though. I noticed that I was lowering my standards. Saying things like "well, maybe it's okay if he only smokes when he drinks...." The OLD profiles in my area are unbelievable. The majority of them say "i like to go muddin and fishin sometimes huntin want a good woman to take care of me" Like, seriously. No punctuation. No capital letters. I found around 5-6 profiles that actually spoke in complete sentences, and only 2 which met what I was looking for. The two didn't respond to my message, and the other ones ended up having red flags after they responded. Just for the heck of it, I did a search in a city about 2 hours from here. Even the BAD profiles in that city were better than the good profiles in my town. It's also the same guys on it now that were on it the last time I did OLD. So I've already had first dates with a few of them, and they're contacting me again! One guy that poofed on me after I slept with him 3 years ago contacted me and asked me for a date. Seriously?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 4:35 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sitting at home thinking about all this tonight. The other thing that I realized is that I'm still comparing everyone to my xwSO.

Before Dday, he was EXACTLY the type of guy that I wanted. Exactly. He was fun to go out with, but then also had a dorky side and would play video games with me. He was attractive, but not too attractive. He was smart, but not stuck up. We had great conversation. Amazing sex. He talked/texted me the perfect amount of time--not too much, not too little. Before him, I had never wanted to get married. And then when I met him, all I could think about was getting married. Then Dday shattered all those dreams.

I know that leaving him was the right decision. He kept lying to me, and he was emotionally abusive. But... I miss him. And I think I'm trying to replace him with a better model, and it just doesn't exist

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 8:06 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
ManBearDivorce
♂ Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say it's very good that you went out and had dates. It's healthy that you can see your mistakes and improve on it. I was like you 1 year after D. I was out to have a replacement. I found out that I was not ready and I wanted to have more time for myself improving on my life choices. I made great decisions and when I was ready I tested it out again.

I was a busy bee too with two kids and a massive workout routine. That was the good part of my single life. Just turns out that living like that made me sometimes stop and look around and enjoy the 1 minute you have in peace and harmony. All the bad time in your life makes the best time shine a little brighter.


Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There IS a better model than your ex.

Now that I'm dating again and sleeping with someone, I've been finding myself missing the physical connection I had with my own ex...the way it felt so right. I also was incredibly happy with him (except when his secret life would make waves on the surface), and thought he was just perfect for so long--every dream I never knew I had come true. I think our exes were cut from the same cloth--very good at projecting an image that made us give ourselves to them totally. And we meant it, so detaching from that feeling of connection and remembering that it was a lie is really hard. It is embarrassing but I still look to see if he's sent me an email in my trash folder, almost daily. Letting go fully is a struggle, even though it is the only healthy option.

I wish there were an answer for how to get rid of missing the past relationship, when it turned out to be so toxic and the future would have been even worse. But I do think that with the dating you jumped into, you haven't had the time to properly mourn what you lost in the relationship that brought you to SI? Maybe start there.

(((LG)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is embarrassing but I still look to see if he's sent me an email in my trash folder, almost daily.

Yup, I do the same thing.

Instead of actively searching for someone to date, I think I'm just going to take a step back. I'm not going to set a time period for how long I'm going to be single. I won't reject someone awesome if he comes along, but I'm not going to actively search either. I'll just do my thing with my friends, and see if I meet someone naturally.

How is your dating thing going Nora?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing a little multi-dating at the moment, which I have mixed feelings on...but I don't feel that there's a rush or that I have to make things work out with anyone in particular, and being single is going well overall! I think it's a much better summer than last year, when I was living with my exWBF--even though I thought I was happy with him (and I was in many ways), I'm happier still just doing me

Taking a natural breather and letting yourself adjust without ruling out any newcomers if they show up sounds like a great approach for you!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Lonely,

I had my first child at 30 and my second at 32.

Don't sweat your age thing. You've got time.

This is YOUR life....live it the way YOU want to and not what society or your family thinks you should.

Good call on the new IC BTW.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6614 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I had my first child at 30 and my second at 32.

Yeah, but I'm starting to get even too old for that. My plan has always been date two years, engaged a year, and the married two years before having kids. So if I met the perfect man today, I'd be 34 when I had my first kid. And obviously meeting the perfect man isn't happening, so it just feels like I'm running out of time.

I'm glad your summer is better Nora. Mine is too actually. Being single is lonely, but at least I don't feel like I'm going crazy this summer trying to track down all his lies

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:21 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might enjoy the book "Why men love bitches". The title is just to get your attention. It's written by someone who got alot of input from men on how a woman can be self confident and let a man pursue her. It goes a little overboard in some areas, but I thought it was good explaining how to watch his actions.

Yeah, but I'm starting to get even too old for that. My plan has always been date two years, engaged a year, and the married two years before having kids. So if I met the perfect man today, I'd be 34 when I had my first kid. And obviously meeting the perfect man isn't happening, so it just feels like I'm running out of time

Just try to get out there -- everywhere there are guys. I worked for Pepsi part time doing demos at sporting events, car races, etc. I also worked part time at an arena in my city. Lots of guys go to basketball/ice hockey games with their friends cause they don't want to sit at home, not because they are addicted to sports....

Dont' give up on online dating,, are you on quality sites? I know 4 people who were on quality sites -- I don't think I'm supposed to give the name of the sites here,, but you probably have seen their commercials. One friend of mine met an awesome airforce captain whose wife had died of cancer, the other ones met really decent guys who traveled alot and didn't get to meet anyone -- however they all stopped traveling once they were seriously in love with my friends.! Another friend met her H because she was genuinely kind to an older lady at church. This lady kept saying, I want you to meet my son. Finally they met and son was an atty for a HUGE company, a really decent guy who was sick of all the fake women he had been dating who just wanted his $$$. His mom gave a great reference for my friend!

Also, what about any guys you graduated with. Are they on facebook, but any chance? Sometimes around 30 they begin to realize their wives are not who they thought and they are just getting divorced....


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2330 | Registered: Jan 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I think I'm trying to replace him with a better model, and it just doesn't exist
There are definitely better models out there. Actually, it doesn't take much to be a better model than someone who
kept lying to me, and he was emotionally abusive

I had my last child at 35.

My plan has always been date two years, engaged a year, and the married two years before having kids.
That's a great plan, but in my experience, it is very rare that our plans turn out the way we want them. I've learned that we kind of have to roll with the punches, adjust our needs and wants, and be open to new experiences and thinking outside the box. I know my life certainly didn't go the way I had planned, far from it, but I am okay with it (although I am still working on overcoming the anger at the financial part that my WS left me with...at some point, I will work thru that and be okay with that too, just not there yet.)

Also, I benefited tremendously from learning to open my eyes to what was right in front of my face.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15418 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just try to get out there -- everywhere there are guys. I worked for Pepsi part time doing demos at sporting events, car races, etc. I also worked part time at an arena in my city. Lots of guys go to basketball/ice hockey games with their friends cause they don't want to sit at home, not because they are addicted to sports...

I'm out there... I was on three dating websites, two free and one paid one. I go to meetup events. I go to church. I go to the gym. I go out to a bar probably one night every weekend. I'm a member of a young professionals group. I live in a very small town. We don't have sporting events, and we only have two restaurants/bars that stay open after 9PM.

Also, what about any guys you graduated with. Are they on facebook, but any chance? Sometimes around 30 they begin to realize their wives are not who they thought and they are just getting divorced....

I live 6 hours from where I went to high school, and 2 hours from college.

I am starting to think about MAYBE thinking about moving to a bigger city. The thing is though... everything in my life is perfect right now except being single. I love my job, and feel very lucky to have it. I have an amazing group of friends. So what if I move to a bigger city, still end up being single, and don't have the amazing job and friends anymore? Just doesn't seem worth the risk to me.

Just as an example of men in my area... I finally met a decent guy "on paper" on OLD last weekend, and saw him twice. He owns 4 businesses in my area, very educated, etc, etc. Saw some red flags on the dates, and then he poofed after Saturday night. Just now I get a text from him saying "hey hun." I'm going to ignore it completely. I don't get why he thinks he can not communicate all week and then call me hun on the weekend.

I just feel frustrated. Another one of my really good friends got engaged last week, and I'm taking her out to celebrate tonight. I'm happy for her. But why can't it happen to me?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 5:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh...I'd reply.

"I'm sorry, who is this?"


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, there are definately lots more guys in a big city. I live in a small city now, and you've got me thinking,,, when I am ready to date again,, there's like no one here to choose from!!!

Maybe if you know where you'd like to move, you could go one weekend a month or so with a friend or stay with a friend in that city, just to get acclimated to the area.. and maybe meet some nice guys while there!

It's like everything in your life is going well, except for a great guy to share it all with!!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:05 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2330 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.