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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Illness in WH family - do I say something?
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out from a family member on WH's side that another family member is really ill.

In a way I'd like to just tell WH I heard and I'm sorry. Otoh- do we do that anymore?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would, but I've kept up with his family and he knows it.

A quick text just telling him you heard about xxx, and you are sorry, you hope they get better or whatever is all that is required. This person was your family at one point...it's ok to still care.

OTOH, if WH is still being an ass to you, or may use this as an opportunity to try and manipulate you, bully you or anything else, then I would just send a card to the family member or their immediate family.

If this family member was not close to you, or mean to you, etc., it's also ok to ignore.

Go with what you feel is best, and what you feel is right for you.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5526 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not. You're dealing with NPD; rules are different. Do not poke the bear.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would wait until I hear from him before I expressed any sympathies. Kind of like how we keep NC unless there is a question to answer.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2110 | Registered: Jan 2013
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH has never made a peep when family members of mine have been seriously ill and/or died. I nursed my best friend from the day of her cancer diagnosis until her death 7 months later, and again, not a peep. He knew her VERY well. He walked away from all of my family, who he'd known for 30 years.

But when I told my ex-mil that I needed take a "contact break" with her because I loved her so much, and it hurt to see her welcome OW with open arms, he called me to bitch me out for "making his mom cry".

Only you know your situation, but for me, as painful as it is, I just stay away and stay out of it. If I have sympathy or condolences to make, I make them directly to the involved family member and leave XWH out of it. Because he's an asshole.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1176 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are out of your mind if you think you should contact him with what, sympathy? Seriously? You think your sympathy will be accepted and not turned against you?

Really?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ Ditto NG


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOVE that owl...in a ridiculous way!

NG - I know - I guess old habits die hard. He did try to be nice to me a couple of months ago when I had a very close family member die. Really, I think he was trying to be genuine, as I know he loved this person very much too, but it just wasn't comforting or helpful to me at all.

It was just...awkward.

SO- I guess perhaps I will just send the family member a card, if I do anything.

Thanks for all the advice everyone!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your close to the family member do it directly, otherwise nothing to him.


Posts: 833 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your close to the family member do it directly, otherwise nothing to him.

^^^This.

(((Nekorb))) You're such a good person.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ever heard the term "No good deed goes unpunished?"
My STBX is passive aggressive, not NPD. IMO NPD is way worse.
I had heard his mother was undergoing breast cancer screening. It boggles the mind how he managed to twist my concern around on me, but he did.
Not only that, he practically verbally attacked his mother for having contact with me and told her I wasn't a part of their family anymore.
My vote, don't say anything unless he brings it up.
However, if you were close to the other family member's spouse, I would send get well wishes directly to the spouse.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it.

Something very similar happened to me a few months back with a death in X's family. A mutual friend told me and I took a couple of days to mull over what I wanted to do. Normally I would have said something just to be kind, but I hesitated because we had a mutual friend pass a few months prior, and he said nothing to me (even though he knew this person and I were very, very close).

Before I even made a decision, X wrote me such a delusional NPD email it should go into some kind of hall of fame. Others here are correct: some of the more nutty cheaters do not process these kinds of events normally. Somehow my X turned it around to make it ALL about him, while still actively pushing me away. It was like he addressed the email to me, but was talking to an imaginary friend.

I didn't respond.

A few months later, I found out that his A had been more involved than I thought and his deception worse than I initially imagined. Couple that with the fact that he didn't reach out to me when someone close to me had passed, and I would have felt like a massive chump had I continued to show that monster any sympathy.

I think not saying anything also helps you detach and break old patterns of being there for him that are beneficial in the long run.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't say a word, unless his family has treated you well throughout this whole thing.

Mine turned against me and welcomed the OW and it's as if I never existed. And I was really close with them. Now? Even if one of them died, I would not offer a word of condolence at all.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG the owl!!!!!!!!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Beyond
♀ Member
Member # 3011
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What PHMH said. For sure.

When a NPD is playing the game, the "rules" are moot.


XOW.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 15

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