In a way I'd like to just tell WH I heard and I'm sorry. Otoh- do we do that anymore?
A quick text just telling him you heard about xxx, and you are sorry, you hope they get better or whatever is all that is required. This person was your family at one point...it's ok to still care.
OTOH, if WH is still being an ass to you, or may use this as an opportunity to try and manipulate you, bully you or anything else, then I would just send a card to the family member or their immediate family.
If this family member was not close to you, or mean to you, etc., it's also ok to ignore.
Go with what you feel is best, and what you feel is right for you.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
But when I told my ex-mil that I needed take a "contact break" with her because I loved her so much, and it hurt to see her welcome OW with open arms, he called me to bitch me out for "making his mom cry".
Only you know your situation, but for me, as painful as it is, I just stay away and stay out of it. If I have sympathy or condolences to make, I make them directly to the involved family member and leave XWH out of it. Because he's an asshole.
You are out of your mind if you think you should contact him with what, sympathy? Seriously? You think your sympathy will be accepted and not turned against you?
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.
NG - I know - I guess old habits die hard. He did try to be nice to me a couple of months ago when I had a very close family member die. Really, I think he was trying to be genuine, as I know he loved this person very much too, but it just wasn't comforting or helpful to me at all.
It was just...awkward.
SO- I guess perhaps I will just send the family member a card, if I do anything.
Thanks for all the advice everyone!
If your close to the family member do it directly, otherwise nothing to him.
(((Nekorb))) You're such a good person.
Something very similar happened to me a few months back with a death in X's family. A mutual friend told me and I took a couple of days to mull over what I wanted to do. Normally I would have said something just to be kind, but I hesitated because we had a mutual friend pass a few months prior, and he said nothing to me (even though he knew this person and I were very, very close).
Before I even made a decision, X wrote me such a delusional NPD email it should go into some kind of hall of fame. Others here are correct: some of the more nutty cheaters do not process these kinds of events normally. Somehow my X turned it around to make it ALL about him, while still actively pushing me away. It was like he addressed the email to me, but was talking to an imaginary friend.
I didn't respond.
A few months later, I found out that his A had been more involved than I thought and his deception worse than I initially imagined. Couple that with the fact that he didn't reach out to me when someone close to me had passed, and I would have felt like a massive chump had I continued to show that monster any sympathy.
I think not saying anything also helps you detach and break old patterns of being there for him that are beneficial in the long run.
Mine turned against me and welcomed the OW and it's as if I never existed. And I was really close with them. Now? Even if one of them died, I would not offer a word of condolence at all.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
When a NPD is playing the game, the "rules" are moot.