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Newest Member: PTSD (44945)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confused...honesty required.
VG1976
♂ Member
Member # 5899
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick background, wife was wayward. Multiple partners even after being caught. Three kids together. Its been 5.5 years since the last d-day. We went our own ways and she's been with multiple people, one who cheated on her (which sadly I kinda smiled with karma on that one, I'm really not a horrible person.) And she just got out of a 3 year long relationship. No relationships for me in this time (I don't know maybe I am to scared to look for one?) Weve maintained a friendly status together.

Either way, about a month ago she was here visiting (we live about 400 miles apart) with the girls (our kids) and she got very sick. She wouldn't let me leave her side and I stuck by her. She was still in this relationship with another guy.
Well we visited two different hospitals together and I basically was her bed nurse the week and a half she was down. During this time she confessed she still loved me and I told her I refuse to talk to her about anything like this while she was with another man in the relationship. Well about a week after she went back she broke up with him and he destroyed her house and some of the things inside as well...blah blah blah. She calls me every night and was just here over the 4th of July weekend again. Nothing happened and we didn't talk much but she wants to move over here and wants us to move in together. The kids think we are getting back together and she talks openly about this stuff with her family. When she talks to me she never asks me anything, like how was my day or what did you have for dinner, what are you doing this weekend? Its always about her and what's going on good or bad. And my head is fucking spinning like wtf is going on? I would not mind trying again we had 16 years together but I would want to take it slow and reasonable. I have honestly tried slipping back into a no contact rule but it makes her call/text more. Or she takes the phone from one of my girls when were talking and tells them its her turn. And honestly I don't know if she truly loves me or if she just needs a filler...

However I've noticed if I do play along and get very interested she shuts down and it leaves me scratching my head even more. Sometimes I wonder if she has some kind of personality disorder. I don't know what to do I don't feel trapped but I feel like something is moving to quick but I don't know what that something is. I also couldn't even tell you honestly if she had a "better option" if shed suddenly drop me. She agrees to everything I ask so it's when I come forward and out of my shell and she clams up that I get confused...wtf should I think?


It's been 5 years...I survived.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Northwest
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NOT do it. Nothing you have said indicates that she has come remotely close to working through why she chose to be a serial cheater. You will get nothing but heartbreak out of that. She is showing absolute disregard for the psychological and emotional well-being of your children - encouraging them to get their hopes up and putting you in the position of being the one who "didn't want mommy and daddy together again/happy family/unicorn farts". For their sake and yours, you need to set some clear boundaries.

She is doing the push/pull, using you for validation. She doesn't want you. She wants you to want her - that's it.

[This message edited by plainpain at 9:12 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, Plan B.

Don't do it. That shit needs to be earned. She hasn't even earned a free milkshake coupon with her behavior.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7647 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Tickingtock
♀ Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So in other words she misses what she had but hasn't changed AT ALL. She is still a cake-eater.


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 173 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my head is fucking spinning like wtf is going on?

That. Listen to that inner wisdom!

Stop. Look. Listen.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in agreement with plainpain and the others.

I used to pull this shit in highschool - I just wanted the ex to want me and then when he did, I was, "meh. not so much." I was 17. She's what? mid-30's?

Your ex is your ex for a very good reason. And in those 16 years you refer too you had multiple D-days. Not so peachy.

Don't do it, VG.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
VG1976
♂ Member
Member # 5899
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gang! That's why I come here.


It's been 5 years...I survived.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Northwest
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Evil  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you don't know the back story of Happyland except that it didn't end too well. Was he on the verge of kicking her out? Who knows? That would explain her sudden change of heart., and I expect supporting herself is no walk in the park.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea from the other posters here. No remorse means no reconciliation.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 8

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