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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Comforting
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Stop  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last couple of days have been very hard for BS. I know he is really caught right now with the mind movies, etc. I can see that look on his face and know he's just not with me..almost in a fog.
I'm there and being supporting trying to reach him and bring him back to me. It's very hard. This a.m. he's saying to me that he doesn't know what I"m doing at all times (when I'm at work /lunch time, on my way home, etc) and that he thinks I could be contacting AP. I say I'm not, I'm sorry that I have put him in this position of not trusting me and then say lovingly is there anything I can do. I call him on my way to work so he's not wondering if I'm stopping at AP house (this is a ritual of sorts now). He tells me that I made things worse this morning by asking what can I do. He just wants me to know and do it.
To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that. I know I created that, but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake ..for how long.. How do I get him thru this without losing myself in depression of guilt and self loathing.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake ..for how long

how long? As long as it takes. expect years, lots of years, of not being trusted.
To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that.

You need to do a serious "gut check" if you can do this. If you want to do this. 6.5 months out from dday and this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. And I expect that it is likely 2 years before there is any trust.

How do I get him thru this without losing myself in depression of guilt and self loathing.

It is up to you if you lose yourself or if you find yourself. those are your two options.

I'm there and being supporting trying to reach him and bring him back to me.

This may actually being harming his recovery. my MC explained that the withdrawl is normal and that my BS and I need to let her do it. And since we have the withdrawl periods have actually gotten shorter.

he doesn't know what I"m doing at all times

why not? are you checking in? or just living your life? do you text, call, email, anything? How often? Listen to what he tells you. Pay attention. reitterate to him what you understand the concern is to make sure you understand. And then find a way to help him. Every BS is different, and their needs are different.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I text, I call, I send pics where I am. But, he does not trust me. I have lied repeatedly thru the affair and he does not trust I'm doing what I'm saying or that I am doing what I'm saying, but also still seeing AP..
My thoughts ..Time will heal.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJ is right on with everything.

To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that. I know I created that, but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake ..

This is a consequence of your actions. The only way to end this questioning and regain trust is with lots of continued good behavior. That not only means being where you say you will be, but acting acting differently when you are at home.

Unfortunately, this may never be enough for your BS. You may have to accept that. That too would be a consequence of your actions. We have zero promises that our BS will get over it.

IMO asking your BS what you can do is a good thing. But a lot of times, the BS thinks that we should know. Sometimes the best way to help the BS is asking in a smaller, more specific way. That is, asking something like "I know you aren't convinced I am where I say I am. I call and text and send pictures. Is there something else that might make you feel more certain?" Lots of us here have trackers on our phones.

I had the same sort of conversation early on in MC that really helped. For me, MC is a great safe place to make sure BW and I understand each other.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say I'm not, I'm sorry that I have put him in this position of not trusting me and then say lovingly is there anything I can do.

Perhaps something you could so is empathize with him. Tell him you understand why he would have these feelings. You understand why he can't trust you. Any amount of defensiveness or justification why he shouldn't feel that way will only cause anger and frustration.

Early on in my R, my BH had said something very similar. I too would text, take pics, call him. He had full access to my phone. I think he even occasionally checked the mileage on my car. Once I had responded to him "of course, I'm not doing anything. How could I be?" I then gave a bunch of reasons why it wasn't possible. But the fact of the matter is that I spent a good majority of my A texting while I was work. And work time would have been the easiest time to continue something underground if I wasn't serious about R. But at that stage, how could my BH possibly know if I was serious or not?

We actually got into a blow out about it. I minimized the situation. He was so angry he went out and got a tattoo. We then had a discussion so that I could understand where he was coming from. The fact of the matter is that I had kept secrets from him, lied to him, gas lighted him, and TT'd. He had no idea what I was capable of. He couldn't put anything past me because everything he knew of me was distorted. So he spent a lot of time watching me and wondering.

I am just days away from my 4 year antiversary. He still doesn't have full trust of me to this day. I don't say that with sadness either. It's a fact. He never will and that's ok. I still text him when I come and go. I still take pics when I do something with my friends without him. I always lay my phone out in plain sight. It's ok. It's just how we so things these days. Don't look at it as a punishment but a different way of life.

So how long? Whenever both of you decide.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 683 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that. I know I created that, but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake

Why does that scare you? It has been four and a half years for me, I just recently found out that my H has trust in me again. I was prepared to go the rest of my life without it. Not a problem. I blew it up.

Where is your integrity? Isn't that the thing that you blew up by doing this?

And horrible mistake? No. Try horrible choices. Lots of them, every single time you decided to choose your AP over your H. Not a mistake.

Having empathy about where your BH is at emotionally is what this is about right now.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4868 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that. I know I created that, but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake ..for how long.. How do I get him thru this without losing myself in depression of guilt and self loathing.
If you do the work and let go of the outcome, you will in time reach a point where your BS trusting you or not will become irrelevant.
Because you will trust yourself.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to be very strong through all of this but it's very hard to keep from spiraling into a depression.I'm upset with myself, appalled at my actions and choices and to have them repeated over and over is hell. I'm trying to forgive myself and work on being a better person but how to do that when I am called, questioned where I am, asked to take a photo b/c he doesnt believe, questioning my actions prior to the A and questioning if I have been inappropriate in the past, to me is difficult. Understandable but difficult. To have your integrity and 15years of marriage history questioned and doubted is horrifying hell.
I think that I'm just starting to come out of a fog bits at a time and realize just how much I have f*ed up our marriage.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To have your integrity and 15years of marriage history questioned and doubted is horrifying hell.

to me, it sounds like you are saying this about yourself. If you put yourself in your BS shoes. You will come to realize, that their whole reality has changed. Everything they thought about you, was not true. as a WS we know our thoughts. But the BS just got their whole world flipped upside down. You were perceived as a faithful and honest partner for 15 years. But that perception was wrong, you are actually an unfaithful liar, and no partner would work so hard at destroying the partnership.

I'm trying to forgive myself

your registration date was 2 months ago. if that was around your DDay than IMHO you are not trying to forgive yourself, you are trying to rugsweep yourself. Do you truly understand what you did and why you did it? And not just the surface, but deep down? if not than it is rugsweeping not forgiveness.

work on being a better person but how to do that when I am called, questioned where I am, asked to take a photo b/c he doesnt believe,

How is working on being accountable not working on being a better person? I am just curious.

Always keep in mind when you feel

questioned and doubted is horrifying hell.

that you BS feels this way too, but multiply by a thousand. they are questioning their own mind and thoughts.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JW2BH,

Right now you are in a place where you are focusing all of your energy on your pain. And what is going on with you. And you are having a lot of regret for what has happened. No remorse. If your M is to survive, you are going to need to turn this bus around and figure out how to see your BH's pain. Put yours on the shelf for a bit and see where he is at, because if you think you are hurting right now, multiply that by 1000. You need to find remorse, and that is all about actions. Right now you are in shame and pity me mode. You really need to step out of that.

Do you want your M?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4868 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My marriage prior to the A was all about control. His need to control how I clean, how I cook, how I parent, how I take care of myself, etc. So now after the A trying to move into a better place and stop all of the control is very difficult. The cracks that formed in my marriage that led to my vulnerability and the breakdown of communication and emotional needs being met was my lack of boundries. Now I'm trying to save the marriage for the better husband he's trying to be. I think that there are two very separate issues. One is our marriage prior to the A and fixing that and then the A. Do I want my M? Not the one I had. Not with his controling all of my moves.

To say I have no remorse and only regret is crap. That is unfair. I have deep remorse.


Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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