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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Forgiveness
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Stop  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a revelation this morning before my first counseling appt. I realized that I cannot feel remorse or love for my BH until I forgive him. I know that when I am able to reach that point, I will be flooded with remorse and love for him.

The coldness and cruelty of my actions are basically the same as if I carved my husband's heart out with a carving knife and served it to him on a platter. I was angry and resentful and stopped loving him. That made cheating on him a very easy thing to do.

Anyway, I will update as I work through this stuff. Right now, I am not stuffing my feelings anymore and I am being completely upfront and honest.


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2014
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know your story, but what do you need to forgive him for? What did he do to you to make you feel so angry?


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 440 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for myself, i projected the negativity onto my BS to do what I wanted. when I actually went back and looked at it. I caused her to act toward me the way she did. the feelings were real, but I in effect was what caused her to act toward me that way.

keep digging.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to list my grievances. He is not a monster and is essentially a good man. We have had a lot of challenges over the last 6 years and neither of us had the coping skills or communication skills to deal effectively with them. Hindsight is 20/20, and I hope that we are able to learn together as we face the future.

Dr. Jekyll, there is a lot of digging for me to do, but this is the first layer. I have to get over my grudges against him in order to even touch upon everything else. If I don't do that, we won't survive. There are a billion reasons and issues in me that led to my adultery, but in order to make my marriage survive, I have to address this one first.


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2014
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJekyll
for myself, i projected the negativity onto my BS to do what I wanted. when I actually went back and looked at it. I caused her to act toward me the way she did. the feelings were real, but I in effect was what caused her to act toward me that way.

Wow, I feel the same way. I piled together so many of the negative things that my BH did to allow me to continue my disgusting behavior. I told myself a huge lie that AP wouldn't treat me negatively. He would've treated me poorly because he was treating his wife poorly by cheating on her.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 12:33 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 440 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
alwaysrunning
♀ New Member
Member # 43897
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized that I cannot feel remorse or love for my BH until I forgive him.

This REALLY resonated with me and drew me out of my lurkdom. Your entire second post resonated with me, actually. For my particular situation, this is what was so hard for me to achieve - forgiveness towards my BH. That's why the point of R took so long for me and my BS. I did it.... but it took a very long time. I do not know the specifics of your situation, tangeledknot, but just know I understand that sentiment wholeheartedly and IC is awesome for attaining that.

[This message edited by alwaysrunning at 1:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Me: fWW
Him: BH
Married: 9 years, together 14
1 young child
EA began in July 2011, PA followed in August 2011.
DDay#1 December 27, 2011.
DDay #2 March 2012
Separated Oct 2012-December 2013
R started Dec 2013

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you don't want to make a list of your H's wrong doings, but it might help to get a perspective on them. How do you plan to forgive him? In your heart or face to face acknowledging all he's done wrong?

Here's what I know, I was neglected by my BS. I didn't put a spotlight on that problem, we both ignored that we were growing apart and our problems grew quietly in the closet. Then I stumbled on attention elsewhere (AP) and instantly my H had a MILLION things wrong with him. Some were legitimate, some were like Dr Jekyll said in reaction to my bizzaro A behavior, but most were just my exaggeration to make myself feel better about straying. I took little arguments and made them big, I focused solely on things that were missing/wrong and not what we had or was right.

Right after I ended the A, I wanted desperately to fall back in love with my H, or even go back to the manageable discontent we had. I considered going to hyponotherapy to try and erase the memories of being happy with AP But now, 5 months later I'm seeing things much more clearly. My H is not perfect, but he's not the devil anymore either. IC is helping me identify my role in the dysfunction and I have plently to work on myself. Sad thing is you have to build your relationship back up, it won't just magically reappear.

It is good you want to be honest and upfront. Clearing the air is one of the *gifts* of an A in my opinion. Just be careful! You can't un-say something.


Posts: 196 | Registered: Mar 2014
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think making a list is a good idea, but I'll keep it to myself. I was angry before I started my affair. It may not be fair to my BH, and a lot of it may not even be his fault. Somehow, I have turned into an angry, bitter woman and this is not how I want to live my life. I can tell my anger even spills out onto my four year old daughter.

I didn't understand why I have felt so ambivalent to my husband's pain. This is a man that I would do anything for and who I have loved for over 13 years. I have bit by bit hardened my heart against him. I need to forgive him first before I can even think of asking him for his forgiveness.


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2014
nightmarelife
♀ New Member
Member # 42884
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was angry and resentful and stopped loving him. That made cheating on him a very easy thing to do.

I really related to this statement and the entirety of your post. I also read your recent post on boundaries and I can relate to that as well.

I don't know if I can offer you any additional advice. I'm mostly here to say I was there, and now I'm not. I didn't know the depth of my resentment until after Dday. Through big apologies and changes of behavior on my BH's part as well as individual therapy I forgave him for his own EA and the years of abuse and neglect I experienced in our marriage. After that the remorse came and I was truly in it 110% to reconcile. Couples therapy has worked faster and better than even our therapist believed possible.

If both you and your BH are working at it you'll get there. Just keep at it.

Me: WW (33)
Him: BH
1 DS, 1 DD, and 1 DD on the way
Married 13 years
Dday: 10/26/13

[This message edited by nightmarelife at 12:42 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Mar 2014
ThatGirl2
♀ New Member
Member # 44153
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really good post that offers a perspective that W's may be fearful to verbalize. Thank you!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tangledknot

I know that I used my resentments to justify my actions. But I also know that my BH does not deserve what I have done to him. He is the best man I've ever known.

Knowing that I used the dissatisfaction I felt with him, and ultimately myself, is a really bitter pill to swallow. I still have pain from things that have happened. But I know my pain isn't any where near what he is feeling.

I have forgiven my BH for what came before, because I realized that he was right about a lot of things. I still get hurt, and much of the fallout hurts, really hurts. (e.g. "You're not marriage material.")

I'm not good at this part, but I do try to remind myself that the pain I feel is only a fraction of what my BH feels because of my actions.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 391 | Registered: Dec 2013
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everything that has been related. My issue is that I cannot relate to my BW that there were issues prior to the A that were "symptoms of the marriage" as my therapist says. Reasons why I did what I did.

NONE of these are her fault - I was the one who made the decision to betray my wife and break my vows. I am the only one to blame for the mess I have made of our lives.

However, our marriage was not evolving. It was stagnant, and not moving forward. I should have done my best to try to move it forward, instead I found comfort in someone else's arms.

If I bring this up to BW, it will seem that I am blaming her (which I am not). I love my wife desperately, and there is not way I would blame her, but there were issues in our marriage that brought me to what I did.

It is much too early to bring this to her attention. I don't want to rub salt in any wounds that are too fresh right now. I want to discuss this with her, but now is not the right time to do so. It is frustrating to be in a place to be ready to discuss, but your BS is not.

Any suggestions?


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
betraid
♀ New Member
Member # 43915
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenman - you mention your marriage was stagnant. Was it how your BS felt too? If not, then you should be asking yourself was it your marriage that was stagnant or was it you who felt stagnant?

Even if it was your marriage that is not what led you to A... you need to dig deep to find out why you didn't have boundaries and why you didn't talk with your wife before your A.


Me:BS Him: WS-LTA 7+ yrs
Married: 19 years; together 28
DDay #1: 6/9/14 found evidence of 1nt PA
3 wks of lies and 3 sessions of MC
DDay #2 6/26/14 I found proof of 7 years of PA/ EA & it continued past DDay #1
Separated & living thru new normal

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: USA
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does a wayward spouse have a right to his or her feelings? It seems to me that it doesn't matter if they are "right" or "wrong," the fact that they are there means they need to be brought out into the light and worked through.

There is a good chance that someday I'll look back and say, "i had no right to be angry at BH," or "BH was always right and I was always wrong." It doesn't really matter though, because right now I am dealing with my own rage as I try to pick up the tatters of what's left of my marriage.


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2014
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am dealing with my own rage as I try to pick up the tatters of what's left of my marriage.

What is the source of your rage?

Who are you angry with?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everybody has a right to their feelings. They are yours. Feel them and examine them. You may find, as I did, that many of them were real feelings. My issue turned out. that the negative feelings I felt, were a direct result of my actions. i.e. I felt lonely. But as I look back and reflect. I isolated myself. that does not mean that I was not lonely, but now I do recognized that it was my own fault that I felt that way.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does a wayward spouse have a right to his or her feelings?

Yes. We court trouble, though, when we look for an external cause of our feelings.

I was angry before I started my affair. It may not be fair to my BH, and a lot of it may not even be his fault.

None of it is his fault. Your anger is 100% on you. Nobody can make you angry, just like nobody can make you happy. No matter what BH (or anyone) does or says, you are choosing to respond with anger. Why?

Imabrokenman: there were issues in our marriage that brought me to what I did.

No. This is a misguided belief that is likely to torpedo R (if you're in it) and your personal recovery. Quit looking at the M as the cause of your A, and start looking inside you.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 17

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