The coldness and cruelty of my actions are basically the same as if I carved my husband's heart out with a carving knife and served it to him on a platter. I was angry and resentful and stopped loving him. That made cheating on him a very easy thing to do.
Anyway, I will update as I work through this stuff. Right now, I am not stuffing my feelings anymore and I am being completely upfront and honest.
Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
Dr. Jekyll, there is a lot of digging for me to do, but this is the first layer. I have to get over my grudges against him in order to even touch upon everything else. If I don't do that, we won't survive. There are a billion reasons and issues in me that led to my adultery, but in order to make my marriage survive, I have to address this one first.
for myself, i projected the negativity onto my BS to do what I wanted. when I actually went back and looked at it. I caused her to act toward me the way she did. the feelings were real, but I in effect was what caused her to act toward me that way.
[This message edited by pizzalover at 12:33 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]
I realized that I cannot feel remorse or love for my BH until I forgive him.
This REALLY resonated with me and drew me out of my lurkdom. Your entire second post resonated with me, actually. For my particular situation, this is what was so hard for me to achieve - forgiveness towards my BH. That's why the point of R took so long for me and my BS. I did it.... but it took a very long time. I do not know the specifics of your situation, tangeledknot, but just know I understand that sentiment wholeheartedly and IC is awesome for attaining that.
[This message edited by alwaysrunning at 1:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]
Here's what I know, I was neglected by my BS. I didn't put a spotlight on that problem, we both ignored that we were growing apart and our problems grew quietly in the closet. Then I stumbled on attention elsewhere (AP) and instantly my H had a MILLION things wrong with him. Some were legitimate, some were like Dr Jekyll said in reaction to my bizzaro A behavior, but most were just my exaggeration to make myself feel better about straying. I took little arguments and made them big, I focused solely on things that were missing/wrong and not what we had or was right.
Right after I ended the A, I wanted desperately to fall back in love with my H, or even go back to the manageable discontent we had. I considered going to hyponotherapy to try and erase the memories of being happy with AP But now, 5 months later I'm seeing things much more clearly. My H is not perfect, but he's not the devil anymore either. IC is helping me identify my role in the dysfunction and I have plently to work on myself. Sad thing is you have to build your relationship back up, it won't just magically reappear.
It is good you want to be honest and upfront. Clearing the air is one of the *gifts* of an A in my opinion. Just be careful! You can't un-say something.
I didn't understand why I have felt so ambivalent to my husband's pain. This is a man that I would do anything for and who I have loved for over 13 years. I have bit by bit hardened my heart against him. I need to forgive him first before I can even think of asking him for his forgiveness.
I was angry and resentful and stopped loving him. That made cheating on him a very easy thing to do.
I don't know if I can offer you any additional advice. I'm mostly here to say I was there, and now I'm not. I didn't know the depth of my resentment until after Dday. Through big apologies and changes of behavior on my BH's part as well as individual therapy I forgave him for his own EA and the years of abuse and neglect I experienced in our marriage. After that the remorse came and I was truly in it 110% to reconcile. Couples therapy has worked faster and better than even our therapist believed possible.
If both you and your BH are working at it you'll get there. Just keep at it.
Me: WW (33)
1 DS, 1 DD, and 1 DD on the way
Married 13 years
[This message edited by nightmarelife at 12:42 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]
I know that I used my resentments to justify my actions. But I also know that my BH does not deserve what I have done to him. He is the best man I've ever known.
Knowing that I used the dissatisfaction I felt with him, and ultimately myself, is a really bitter pill to swallow. I still have pain from things that have happened. But I know my pain isn't any where near what he is feeling.
I have forgiven my BH for what came before, because I realized that he was right about a lot of things. I still get hurt, and much of the fallout hurts, really hurts. (e.g. "You're not marriage material.")
I'm not good at this part, but I do try to remind myself that the pain I feel is only a fraction of what my BH feels because of my actions.
NONE of these are her fault - I was the one who made the decision to betray my wife and break my vows. I am the only one to blame for the mess I have made of our lives.
However, our marriage was not evolving. It was stagnant, and not moving forward. I should have done my best to try to move it forward, instead I found comfort in someone else's arms.
If I bring this up to BW, it will seem that I am blaming her (which I am not). I love my wife desperately, and there is not way I would blame her, but there were issues in our marriage that brought me to what I did.
It is much too early to bring this to her attention. I don't want to rub salt in any wounds that are too fresh right now. I want to discuss this with her, but now is not the right time to do so. It is frustrating to be in a place to be ready to discuss, but your BS is not.
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
Even if it was your marriage that is not what led you to A... you need to dig deep to find out why you didn't have boundaries and why you didn't talk with your wife before your A.
There is a good chance that someday I'll look back and say, "i had no right to be angry at BH," or "BH was always right and I was always wrong." It doesn't really matter though, because right now I am dealing with my own rage as I try to pick up the tatters of what's left of my marriage.
I am dealing with my own rage as I try to pick up the tatters of what's left of my marriage.
Who are you angry with?
Does a wayward spouse have a right to his or her feelings?
Yes. We court trouble, though, when we look for an external cause of our feelings.
I was angry before I started my affair. It may not be fair to my BH, and a lot of it may not even be his fault.
None of it is his fault. Your anger is 100% on you. Nobody can make you angry, just like nobody can make you happy. No matter what BH (or anyone) does or says, you are choosing to respond with anger. Why?
Imabrokenman: there were issues in our marriage that brought me to what I did.
No. This is a misguided belief that is likely to torpedo R (if you're in it) and your personal recovery. Quit looking at the M as the cause of your A, and start looking inside you.