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Newest Member: LostinBluseas (45054)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help me set up right boundaries for him.
ok2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42060
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I am on right forum. If you read my lst post you would say NO. Ok it's been three days since I found WH email to MCOW, after few months of trying to find our way back. He lied blue eye again and I haven't talked to him since lunch time Monday today is Thursday. Tonight I will meet WH at the parking lot to talk. I want to hear his side of this email grap. Last think he did say to me " I don't know what I want, just telling you the truth." So I know I am asking for trouble.
My question is. If he shows true remorse and wants to come back what kind of bounderies should (if any) I set him?
NC letter, email, call, you name it.
Full clousure,
full transperancy,
new job,
pay back everything you spend on your affair
new STD test....
wear wedding ring to work
I lett him go so long with lame bounderies and see what it got me. If he is choosing MCOW I will ask meeting with a lawyer about finances and visitations, right?
Wish me luck!!!


ME BS
HIM WH
2 teenage kids
Separated
Calls OW a leech......

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2014
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think "boundaries" is the right word for what you're asking here. What you've written so far is a list of requirements for R. Things you are requiring from him in order to try R. And the list you have is a good start.

Boundaries are a whole other kettle of fish. You set boundaries for yourself, not for anyone else. One of your boundaries might be that you will file for divorce if he fails to meet your requirements for R.

This might help -
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25504 | Registered: Aug 2011
ok2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42060
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Great ideas!! English is my second landuage and are words I never wanted to learn.


ME BS
HIM WH
2 teenage kids
Separated
Calls OW a leech......

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2014
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, why are you allowing him to make you a "choice?" What do YOU want?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
ok2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42060
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I thought I didn't, but good point. I WANT HIM TO STOP HAVING AN AFFAIR!!! I WANT HIM IN NO CONTACT(hard while working with his skank). I WANT THE TRUTH, NO MORE LIES.


ME BS
HIM WH
2 teenage kids
Separated
Calls OW a leech......

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2014
Pudding
♀ Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that you want to make him do what he should do, but sadly, he has to do it for himself. He has to make the boundaries himself and he has to put the work in.

I found the book "How to help Your spouse heal from Your affair" was good for this. It is quite short and can be read in one sitting. It will give him tips of how to help you and part of that will be setting boundaries. Not Just friends is good too but a bit heavy if he is not yet doing the work himself. He needs to want to change and put the work in and if he is not there yet, he may need something lighter.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Pudding
♀ Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that you want to make him do what he should do, but sadly, he has to do it for himself. He has to make the boundaries himself and he has to put the work in.

I found the book "How to help Your spouse heal from Your affair" was good for this. It is quite short and can be read in one sitting. It will give him tips of how to help you and part of that will be setting boundaries. Not Just friends is good too but a bit heavy if he is not yet doing the work himself. He needs to want to change and put the work in and if he is not there yet, he may need something lighter.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
ok2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42060
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!!! Yes we have both books. Sure would help if he read them. I asked him to make MC appointment for us and his respond was" what is your objective in going there?" nice eh! At least I am making appointments for me and the kids to see family therapist, I am just not sure if I should include WH. I do want to make a list of my terms for recovery and hand it to WH. It didn't work last time why would it work now???


ME BS
HIM WH
2 teenage kids
Separated
Calls OW a leech......

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2014
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think under these circumstances, you would be better served working the 180 and strengthening yourself, and stop worrying about him, Sorry.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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