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Newest Member: hewaseverything (44947)

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User Topic: Sexless marriage = affair? Need advice please
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imissmyhusb,

How much are you buying what he is selling here?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4866 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know for a fact he ordered hundred dollar flower bouquets for her from 800flowers (thought out in advance) but i got the $20 bouquet out of the supermarket fridge (last minute).

Not that the dollar amt matters,

just how much more he thought of her; when im here managing his life i get the scraps

Imissmyhub:

Yes, the dollar amount matters. If he had extra money to spend on flowers the money should have been spent on you and your family.

Not an OW.

Don't feel badly because the dollar amount he spent on the OW matters to you.

It should matter, if he has the money to spend. And, obviously he did.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, also, agree with gutfeeling. It is not the reason for the affair and does not justify one, but yes, it is a betrayal in itself if it is due to laziness or disinterest on the part of one spouse.

If my spouse were unwilling to help or change after many discussions, he would be given three choices and I would move forward based on what choice he made.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 112 | Registered: Sep 2013
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel badly because the dollar amount he spent on the OW matters to you.

I meant what he spent on my flowers. He could hav bought me a $500 bouquet. He shldnt have bought her a dam thg
How much are you buying what he is selling

I see what he's up to


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good!!!


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4866 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
notperfect5
♂ Member
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What i didnt realize was that stayg home was MORE WORK! Many of my friends who r moms say to me 'i dont know how u do it', noting that being w the kids all day would drive them nuts. It really is a lot but i chose to do it and i dont complain

IMMH, I hope your doing ok...

My wife and I both work. To do a good job at home, is by far the more taxing. Sometimes, after taking care of the kids for a couple days (admittedly 5, but you've got twins) I crawl back to work to recuperate. Children will break you...

Regarding the no sex... my wife pretty much cut me off for months. I regarded it as an "issue" she had and was trying to get over. Eventually it got better, but in hindsight I could have done so much more to lighten her load. It was my inattentiveness to her that made it last longer than necessary.

However, once she had her EA, the tables were turned. She wanted so much sex, I couldn't keep up--still can't. So, now I get to see the other side. I'm too tired, or I have a headache or I'm worried about work or just plain let me be for a while. Strange how our bodies don't always behave the way we want them to. So, in a way, I see that it isn't her or me holding us back on satisfying each other, it's just the way it is for a time. Perhaps I needed to see the other side for a bit. In a way, it helps knowing that it wasn't me before, because I know right now it isn't her that I don't admire, it is that I'm just tired and worried right now.

Patience is a virtue. Hang in there!


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, PA
Married 22 years
5 Children 14-3

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes im doing ok, thanks for askg

The other day i lost it though. Smashd my phone on the floor and took a swing at WH. May hav to start a new thread for that one once i get my thoughts together


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also told me that he has suffered psychological damage from our sexless marriage and that really breaks my heart.

Pffft.

I've suffered psychological damage reading about his constant justification for cheating, his constant blame-shifting for his crap behavior, and his over-dramatic accusations of 'psychological damage' you supposedly caused him because you didn't kneel at his feet and gaze up at him adoringly all night - while wearing a neglige and begging him for sex - the minute he walked through the door every night.

He needs to get over himself.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imissmyhusb, you've got to stop accepting his blame for his horrible treatment of you. He's upset because you didn't initiate - that's not sexless, that's just not exactly what he wants. No one is guaranteed that.

Your H is a first class A-hole. You're putting too much stock in his selfish comments. Ask yourself this - how many people do you know that behave like he does? How many accept the crap he's piled onto you? Once you do that, you'll see that the answer is almost no one, to both questions. If no one acts like he does, then how on earth is his messed up selfish behavior your fault?

It's not - end of story.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter what we are going through in our experiences with infidelity – it is fairly impossible for someone to know exactly how we feel. No two situations are exactly the same. It's not a matter of who has it worse. – It is just different. But we can hopefully empathize with each other and provide support for each other.

It is extremely difficult for someone to understand what a truly sexless marriage is like. Not a situation where you don't have sex for a few weeks or a few months or even a year or two. But a situation where there is nothing sexual or physical between the two of you – for year after year after year. As a couple of other posters mentioned – not even a touch on the shoulder, holding hands, and for me – not even eye contact. This type of situation takes you far beyond the "I'm horny and he won't satisfy me" feeling. I personally equally it with "failure to thrive" – where an infant suffers, and in some cases even dies - from lack of physical contact and any kind of real connection.

I believe that, for individuals who are basically psychologically sound, the issue of a sexless marriage seems almost like a "no-brainer". "All men want sex" - "if they're not getting it at home they will get it somewhere else" - "it is grounds for divorce".

My husband has been severely disabled and in a wheelchair for over 30 years. He was disabled when I met him. Despite this – our sex life was very fulfilling to me, and I think to him. But I do not believe that my husband is psychologically sound. When kids came – and with addiction issues from their birth mothers – and we experienced multiple family deaths in a short period of time – he started with pornography, then online with strangers, then a prostitute.

It has been seven years since his physical infidelity. I don't need to tell any of you how badly I have been hurt. For my husband, his shame and disgust in his own behavior has rendered him completely uninterested in anything sexual. Even during our hysterical bonding – he was not totally into it. He seemed amazed, but less than as enthusiastic as I would have thought he would be. Don't get me wrong – I am not making excuses for him. But his disinterest in all things sexual is not defensiveness, or a pity party in my opinion. He is not psychologically capable at this point of dealing with what we have faced – and in some cases what HE has made us face in the past few years.

So, I am saying all this just to express that I believe – in some cases – it is a serious psychological issue – not always a selfishness or revenge, etc. Sure, we suffer during this time. All people want physical intimacy and connection – especially with a spouse. And divorce is certainly an option.

In our case, I believe that my husband has "given up" on real happiness in his life. We are 60-ish and I believe he is just living out his life until it is over. At this point, for me, it is no longer about who did what to whom. I have no interest in "walking out" and finding happiness elsewhere. I am a grown woman – advanced age – responsibilities with kids and family - And no matter what he has done, my husband cannot function daily without assistance due to his disability.

I am making every attempt to get my husband to get some help. This is what I have chosen – but I am not suggesting that others need to do the same.

I just wanted to suggest that a sexless situation is not always a matter of defensiveness, revenge, blame shifting, etc. Sometimes it can be that the offender can be so devastated by their actions that they too are emotionally too distraught to functionally "normally" - especially if they have other issues as well.

I wish you well.



"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexless marriage = affair?

NO.

What if your spouse is injured or becomes somehow impaired such that they can not have sex? Are you then somehow justified in having a affair?

HELL NO.

You either suck it up. find treatment or counseling. find other ways of physical intimacy. or you D. Those are the choices that are available if a person has integrity and genuinely loves their spouse.

Dont misunderstand. I am a guy that LOVES sex. Ive always had a high appetite. and I think sex is one of the greatest experiences in life. BUT would I have a affair if she were unable ever to have sex again?

HELL NO.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a stupid fucking article.

eta:

And when I say stupid fucking article, I mean that is a stupid fucking blog post by a complete moron I wouldn't trust with problem-solving a soda can to Open, much less helping with a fucked up relationship.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:01 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But a situation where there is nothing sexual or physical between the two of you – for year after year after year. As a couple of other posters mentioned – not even a touch on the shoulder, holding hands, and for me – not even eye contact. This type of situation takes you far beyond the "I'm horny and he won't satisfy me" feeling. I personally equally it with "failure to thrive" – where an infant suffers, and in some cases even dies - from lack of physical contact and any kind of real connection

This sounds a lot like the way he describes his experience. I had no idea it was like this for him. During many of these years i had 3 small children and my days ran into each other. It just didnt seem like that much time passed between times we connected


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and I were in basically a sexless M for a few years. We are both conflict avoiders and I shut down emotionally due to anger at avoiding conflict (irony). When I caught him on DDay he blamed me for checking out of the M a long time ago. He's since changed his tune on that, thankfully.

In many ways, I did check out of the M. But so did H. And like many others have said the real issue at hand is conflict avoidance and also why my H chose lying and cheating over honesty about his feelings and telling me what he needed--work on fixing things or D. He said he was so angry at me for "throwing away" our M that he just went for the A. He has admitted that there was an element of vindictiveness in it too, as OW was supposedly my friend. Now he realizes that he played a big role too in our M coming off the rails pre-A and that one of his MO's in life is blame shifting.

A sexless M between two people (obv those not disabled, psychologically traumatized, or who have an agreement to be celibate) is a symptom that something is very off between them. At least it was for us. Neither my H nor I were able to say what we needed--shoot I didn't even think I had needs anymore. Sadly, the A is what blew the lid off things and finally got us talking about what we need from each other. It's almost as if a steam valve was opened and our anger, fears, needs, and wishes can now be expressed. We had to get to the very edge of the abyss to realize that we didn't want to go over it. I know it's so basic, but I am repeatedly amazed at how healing it is to communicate with and validate each other.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 54
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