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Newest Member: keljoack (44931)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It Happend Again!!!
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We know you love her. And maybe this will be a catalyst for change. But for real remorse to come out of the scenario you describe where you try to get her to understand your pain by describing a false ONS seems unlikely. It's just more of a cycle of drama.

I understand your desire to make it work and if you both get IC, maybe you can develop a healthier dynamic...but I would advise you to practice the 180 while you figure out if R is really an option. Right now you are still worrying about her--focusing on how hard it must have been for her to carry a secret around. Yes, she is probably troubled, but what about the fact that this secret was a betrayal of you? When are you doing to stop focusing on saving her and worry about your own treatment and happiness? She is the only one who can deal with her issues and fix her brokenness. If she is serious, you can work together--but not until you step back from seeing her as a victim and not until the extreme emotional ups and downs stop. Don't feed them by creating alternate narratives. True remorse shouldn't have to come from a power play--she should be able to access her remorse by thinking about your pain on her own.

Good luck.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4159 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
CJBear
♂ New Member
Member # 44066
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the stupid question, but where do I get the 180 every body is talking about?

Read through about all the Healing Library stuff. Thanx for a great site and good luck to everybody...


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: South Africa
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ12

Don't worry. A lot of people have trouble finding this. You can also Google it -- "what is the 180 infidelity"


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
CJBear
♂ New Member
Member # 44066
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: South Africa
CJBear
♂ New Member
Member # 44066
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well ok great. Think I'm back at square one.

You know when you get that feeling in you gut that tells you something is not adding up...that feeling you tend to ignore because you think your going crazy...well its back.

My WS have been answering a lot of questions, and allot of things I have been asking again and again. When I go through everything in my mind and I sit back and think about that time and little things that she left out and things she answers differently, I am realy starting to get the feeling she still hiding things.

What the hell can I do? I am at a point of laying down some demands, requests that are totally not negotiobale and would be considered a deal breaker.

Crazy thing is I still don't want to loose her... I am sure she is sorry for what she did but why the hell is it so difficult to just be honest. I am giving her a chance here?

She is going to see the C for IC. She aranged that herself without me forceing her, which I guess is a good sign.

But still. How can I get the truth out of her?


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: South Africa
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough one, CJ, but I will be as gentle as I can.

I am realy starting to get the feeling she still hiding things.

She is. CJ, she needs INTENSE help - yes, she may be showing remorse (could also be regret that she's been caught and cannot live her fantasy lifestyle and still have the comforts and security of home) - but this is not an overnight process - it will take YEARS of intensive IC for her (and, if you're going to give this M a go, IC for you too). MC is futile unless the WS is remorseful and willing to do the hard work.

I am at a point of laying down some demands, requests that are totally not negotiobale and would be considered a deal breaker.

Again, as gently as I can...

You've done this...you split then let her back. She is "cake eating" - you need to put on your proverbial "bitch boots" (I guess that's okay to say to a guy) and close the bakery.

Crazy thing is I still don't want to loose her.

CJ, it's not crazy. But know that she knows you don't want to lose her and will put up with a lot of shit. It makes me very sad to see her trample on you in this manner because you seem like a really kind man and a great husband.

She aranged that herself without me forceing her, which I guess is a good sign.

She could also be placating you because you're becoming a little bit more forceful.

In my very humble opinion, I think she wants to have both worlds...and she's feeling regret (google regret versus remorse)...I do not think she is a bad person, but she is very broken, and you alone absolutely, positively cannot fix her. Love cannot fix all things. And honestly, if she's not truthful in IC, they cannot help her.

I am sorry to come off so negative - I really hate doing that in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum; call me devil's advocate.

One more thing - you can file for D, but it doesn't mean you have to actually divorce. It may help pull her head from her butt to see you will no longer be second in your M.

Sending strength...

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
CJBear
♂ New Member
Member # 44066
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the advice Lala.

I so abolutely hate this F***ing situation.

I send the OM (so called friend om mine) a text explaining that I don't ever want to hear he contacted her again and that I want an explanation from him when it ended. Not that its going to make a difference or that I can believe him. Also threatend to tell his life partner.

Is this something that I should do in anycase? I am split about the decision. On the one hand I do not want to be the one to bring her so much pain, but on the other side I want to spare her any further lies and so on....


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: South Africa
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sit back and think about that time and little things that she left out and things she answers differently, I am realy starting to get the feeling she still hiding things.
It is a good sign she is going to IC on her own. Now she has to be completely honest with the C. And she has to be honest with herself about everything that has happened in her past.

Since things aren't adding up, you could have her write it all out. Write out a complete timeline of everything she remembers that happened.

Writing has a way of making people remember.

And once written, she can never say she never said this or that.


Posts: 3941 | Registered: Jun 2002
Topic Posts: 28
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