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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Had a new worry.
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got home from my shrink. Now that I've had a few diagnoses in recent years, I seem to keep looking for new ones. I've read all the talk on here about NPDs - and done some reading on Wikipedia - and was suddenly worried about whether I was one.

I asked my shrink about this, and presented my case. My strongest evidence, of course, was that I didn't THINK I was NPD, but really NOBODY thinks they have a personality disorder.

I normally look directly at his shoes, but looked up at his face at one point. He was almost smiling (as close as he gets to a laugh) as he told me that while everyone has small bits of narcissism and ego-centrism, he has seen no signs whatsoever of me being NPD. Of course, I'm relieved.

He then brought up that I had mentioned a few months ago that I (and most of my SI friends) thought that The Princess is NPD, and he was wondering what I thought about that. I reminded him that at the time he told me that he couldn't make a diagnosis without spending time with her. He responded, "Well ... I did meet her once" (early in my treatment with him, he invited her in with me to discuss my treatments).

Is this his backhanded way of saying he thinks she is?

Anyway, I told him that a diagnosis of her as NPD or HPD doesn't change anything: She has always been an arsehole to me, and I don't care why - I only care if there are behaviours and attitudes of mine that enabled her and kept me in that unhealthy relationship (and, baby, we're working on those!). I'll be glad to eventually be rid of her.

I guess the bottom line of all this is, YAY! I'm not NPD. I don't need to add that to the Depression, Social Anxiety, and ADHD!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jan 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, I told him that a diagnosis of her as NPD or HPD doesn't change anything:

Right! So try not to give it too much headspace.

I've also wondered and worried that *I* was the NPD. Seems that my codependent state enabled him to blameshift enough that I automatically assume the problem is always ME.

I'm working on purging those thoughts.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
POed
♀ Member
Member # 2450
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, I don't know your FOO history, but when I was researching why I tend to end up with men displaying definite Cluster B traits, I learned that adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) tend to display similar traits (a lot of them also symptoms of co-dependency) as the Cluster B sufferers. It was a huge lightbulb moment for me. It may or may not pertain to you.

I applaud your courage and determination to heal. I know it's not easy.


Posts: 836 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: St. Louis, MO
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've also wondered and worried that *I* was the NPD. Seems that my codependent state enabled him to blameshift enough that I automatically assume the problem is always ME.

For sure. The Princess is an Olympic-class blameshifter. That - along with my shitty self esteem - is enough to have me diagnosing myself with ALL her problems. After all, this whole thing WAS all my fault, wasn't it? (Looking for a sarcasm emoticon.) I still have a little ways to go when it comes to healing, eh?


POed, I have to confess that I had to look up what "Cluster B" means. There was no alcoholism - or any addiction - that I know of in my family, but I'm not without my FOO issues. They pale compared to some of the other things I've seen posted on this site though. My family is just a little cold (okay, quite cold), which I think left me quite susceptible to The Princess' love-bombing when we met. I just couldn't believe that there could be all this wonderful emotion, and it left me pretty blind to the red flags I should have been seeing. But like I said, that's pretty minor stuff: They never abused me or anything.

And I'm making sure not to make my kids feel the same way I did.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jan 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to laugh - I asked my IC if I was NPD too. She laughed out loud.

and it left me pretty blind to the red flags I should have been seeing.

I say this as much to myself as to you. Don't beat yourself up. The first time around NO-ONE knows the red flags until it's too late. I told myself it wasn't abuse because he didn't hit me. THAT was a clear red flag I knew from my FOO and I would have snapped out of it quick smart. The other stuff? Not so much. I thought "finally! Someone desperately in love with me just the way I deserve. So what if he's a bit moody? You can't have it all, right?". If I could I'd kick my own arse I would .

It is not normal for people to be false and abusive AND love bomb the target of their abuse. These are the traits of the personality disordered.

I read a quote once and I haven't been able to find it again. It said something like: "there's no abuse more effectively devastating than abuse doled out with a side serving of love".

It was far more profound than that but that was the general gist of it. I realised I tolerated the bad stuff by telling myself the good stuff outweighed it. This is what you do in an M, isn't it? That's what 'in good times and in bad' meant.

Or so I thought. I spent so much energy telling myself it really wasn't as bad as it felt. But it was. It really was.

I just came across this when searching for that quote:

"Love as Illusion

Whenever a person feels forced to love someone (parent-child relationship or promise such as marriage), the person will fabricate a reason to feel love rather than deny its existence. Love is a beautiful feeling when it is true. I donít know of one person who doesnít want to feel love. Even the possibility of creating love causes us to endure hardships we would never tolerate if the promise of love werenít there.

The abuser, who loves only them-self, will inflict pain on others in order to keep their self-love strong. The victim, who loves more than them-self, will accept the pain in order to keep the illusion of love strong.

The only true love in the abusive relationship is the love the abuser feels for them-self. All else is imagination."


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See now, this is one of the best things about SI: I'm not the only one who was worried I was NPD. So even if I am crazy, I'm not the only one.

I'm quite happy to say that I'm on the constant lookout for red flags now. In the little bit of dating I've done, I have had good reasons for walking away from some of the prizes I've dated.

So of course I'm worried that I'm being too picky now. But at least I'm not NPD!

And this...

The only true love in the abusive relationship is the love the abuser feels for them-self. All else is imagination.

Holy shit, that is the most accurate description I've ever seen of our marriage. I was imagining a wonderful relationship, while she was totally in love with herself!

[This message edited by Pass at 10:49 AM, July 11th, 2014 (Friday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jan 2013
Numb2014
♀ Member
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently realized that my father is NPD. Like, BAD NPD. Serial cheater, NPD, bi-polar, etc etc etc. Anyways, the day I realized this about my father, I read that children of NPD can either grow up to be NPD themselves, or get involved with partners who are NPD.

So of course, I went home to my partner to share my discovery. I read to him from a book how either we become NPD or we get involved with NPD. I looked at him and I said "Do you think I am NPD?". He looked at me like I was crazy and said "No!". Then after a brief silence he said "......do you think I'M NPD??". I told him no. But, I do. And not only that, my IC thinks so too---even though she hasn't met him, and she has said she understands she is going based on my perception of him. But she said if what I'm saying is honest, they he has NPD tendencies.

Didn't mean to take over about me, but I found this topic interesting. We, the BS, fear being NPD, when I think a lot of the times, it can be the WS who is.


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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