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User Topic: He found out that I hired a PI in Nashville
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not posted in months, but was urged by a private message friend to put my story on the boards for feedback.

Since last summer, I have been suspecting an inappropriate relationship between my H and his secretary. After many red flags and staunch denial from my H that their relationship was strictly professional, I stumbled upon the fact that he was taking her on a business trip to Nashville. When I asked him before the trip if he was bringing anyone else from his company he said no. So I hired a PI.

The PI confirmed she was there, but saw no signs of affection between the two of them. They were entertaining 10 customers the whole time the PI was following them. I was relieved that nothing was found, but the fact that he lied about her attendance still stood out in my brain. This is when I stopped posting, because I figured I had a liar on my hands as opposed to a cheater.

A few weeks after the trip, I told him that I knew she went. He admitted it was true, but instead of being apologetic, he told me some excuse for her presence but said I would have gone ballistic had he told me. I reminded him that he promised no more lies regarding her, but he just said "too bad, I had no choice"

Then he again said he would not lie about her anymore.

I did some digging, heard two conversations between them recently where he was bad mouthing me... Saying I am always yelling at him, talked about how he is not afraid of getting an apt and living alone. Also took her on a golf outing, where she admitted to drinking too much, he gave her a lot of compliments. He said he was going to give her some golf clubs he gave me which I never used, told her about "how he never paid for ho's" then about how he and the kids "lived large" in Scottsdale, implying that I did not attend a family trip. (I came a day late BC of my job). Another conversations he told her she should go topless to another industry (joking, of course) event that he told me she wasn't attending. And showed her pics of our remodeled basement, claiming he did it all himself (we hired a contractor). I could go on an on, but one thing I will say, the conversations were anything but professional. Tough to say what is really going on there but I will say he is not keeping his word with me.

All of that last info he does not know I heard. Nor have I confronted him on it.

So... Last week he called me while I was working, asked why there were large withdrawals from our kids savings. I wanted to lie but he said he was calling the bank. So I told him flat out: I hired a PI while you were in Nashville with secretary.

Furious was not the word. Livid. When I finally saw him that night I told him that I had no choice, I have repeatedly asked him to be honest about his time with her and he continued to lie. I told him the truth that I just needed to know. He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

It has been one week since this happened. We have talked very little. I have slept on the couch by choice. I told him that I would do it all again, I had no other choice. He claimed someone must have "helped me with this... I don't just hire a PI on my own" I got in his face and said no one helped me. I did it all myself. He underestimates me. He insists that I will have to show I am really really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.

Spent a few days away on a girls trip with my mom daughter and niece. Now I am home and dreading facing him.

I know I need to get out. Just still feel like this is such a crazy situation, no proof of an affair, yet constant lies. He even lies to her about unrelated stuff.

Please, feedback? What should my next move be... I know the obvious, but am really just overwhelmed


Married 20 years

Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

Why do you value yourself so little you'd stay in this situation?
He's abusive, disrespectful, lying, controlling.

You're passive, endangered, and abused.

Get help.

He should have been arrested immediately after slapping you.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To preface, I'm from Nashville. AND I'm a '68 model.

Woman, I'm here for you. Do whatever I can for ya. Just wanted you to know.

Gut feelings are given to us to help our lives. Honor them.

Much love to you and yours,
WB


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ctually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran

Run, as fast as you can. File a report with the police and see a divorce attorney. He is abusing you in so many ways....

I also hired a PI. If he's not going to tell me the truth about my life then I'll do what I need to do to find out myself. And not apologize for it

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:29 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5539 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't give a shit if you hired the CIA to track him, him physically hitting you or putting his hands on you is END OFGAME .
You need to file a police report, get an attorney and get away from him.
He is lying to you, at least surely trying to get in her pants, and you cannot allow this to continue.
Next time he might hit you harder

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to leave immediately. It is NEVER ok for anyone to physically assault you, EVER. Better yet, he needs to leave. Do not let your kids grow up around violence. Please do not subject yourself or them to that.

He is repeatedly lying to you, that much you know as fact. On top of that he is either wanting an A or currently engaging in an affair. He doesn't care about your feelings, he only cares about himself. I don't care if you used all of your kids savings, hired 10 PI's and had him followed 24-7 for the last 10 years, violence is NEVER justified or OK.

Please call a good divorce lawyer, and please, please, please protect yourself and your children.

I know its hard, but its the right thing to do. If you can't do it for your self, please do it for your children. I am so so sorry you are going through this. ((((hugs))))


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TS68))) I am so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that abuse. I believe you are in shock. Please listen to the wise words of the previous posters and act quickly to protect yourself and children.

I know it must be crazy making to not have definitive proof, but whatever your husband is or isn't doing, his behaviour is shady. He doesn't care about your feelings. Is this the first time he has struck you, pushed, squeezed, etc. you?

I wouldn't confront him any further, TS, about what you heard. What is the point? I am afraid his violence will escalate if you do confront him. He is not safe for you to be around. An innocent person, a person who truly loves you, who has your happiness and well being as his priority, doesn't go off like that, so you aren't crazy. You are being majorly gaslighted somehow. You don't need to figure out how, you are. I have heard of some very crazy, convoluted gaslighting here on this board, TS. BS's don't think of this shit because we don't think like unremorseful WS's. It is literally crazymaking.

Take care, TS. Please, even call a women's shelter, I believe they can give you some great tips to keep you safe. I am not being melodramatic here. He raised a golf club at you. That is some scary freaking shit and also very traumatizing. Are you in IC? Right now is the time to start if you aren't already. You can have a case of PTSD. Keep posting and let us know how it is going.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are in this situation. Your situation is very concerning, especially with the violence you mentioned. Unfortunately, in the news in the last few days two families were killed as a result of domestic violence. It is a real thing. Your spouse has significant issues. You need to get out with your children, or kick him out. If you want to work things out do in when you know you are safe with professional help. This is nothing to take lightly.

He is a liar, you know that. He thinks you are unworthy, and helpless. That is obvious by his comments that you are not capable of hiring a private investigator. He is concerning! You do not deserve this!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1685 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Game Over, sweetie.

He has become violent.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 381 | Registered: Feb 2013
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please get help. If he's capable of this who knows what he'll do. I know that first call is tough. Please reach out to someone.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that happened.

Make a police report. Get an attorney RIGHT NOW. Get him the fuck out of your house. Protect yourself and your kids.

Totally unacceptable behavior. The rest of the story doesn't even matter right now, to be honest.

Safety first. Always.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
WarehouseGuy
♂ Member
Member # 6037
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He insists that I show I am really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.

He's been caught and he's trying to save his ass now. Fuck him.

There is NO reason for physical violence. Run NOW! You NEED to protect your kids and yourself. Time to lawyer up.

whg


If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5465 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't the police arrest him when you called them? You did call them and report the domestic abuse right?
Cheating is forgiveable if the WS is willing to put in the work to fix their mess. Physical abuse is not. It's time to file and run like hell. I feel sorry for the co-worker. Looks like he is setting up his next victim. Since she isn't an OW I would warn her about his pathological lying and physical abuse while I was on my way out the door!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2512 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
cryingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You hired a PI and he raged, slapped and kicked you.

I don't even want to think about the rage he will show when you actually catch him.....because IMHO, he is just very good at not getting caught.

I am afraid for you. Please get away from him.

(((TS68)))


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14400 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was bad enough that he has been emotionallly abusing you with gaslighting about the emotional affair he is apparently engaged in with COW. He is extremely defensive and is deflecting and changing attention from what he is enagaged in with COW.

Now that he has reacted violently towards you it's time to get some help from outside resources don't you think? Please do as others say and talk to attorney and domestic abuse shelter.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 590 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS68

Hope you are ok. You asked for advice and you got it. And it was basically 100% the same.
You his and s either involved in A or wants one
He wants you to allow it to happen
And he is willing to now hit you to get his way

Now you need to act and do what you need to do. Do not use your kids as am excuse. There are many women who have been hurt very badly dong that


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just need to figure out what to do NOW. I am trying not to aggravate him. I don't care about the damn secretary. I just wanted something solid to use against him.

I will call an attorney tomorrow. Take it from there.

Thank you all.


Married 20 years

Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stay safe and do not hesitate to call police if necessary

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to be sure...

You do think the domestic violence is the 'something solid', right?

And it's not about using it against him. It's about protecting yourself.

Frankly, promising to tell the truth and then lying is pretty solid, too.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad that you are seeing a lawyer. Please keep us posted, and please, please, please stay safe. Its time for you to get the heck out'a Dodge....(((hugs)))


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
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