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User Topic: He found out that I hired a PI in Nashville
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.
I really think you should have called the police and had him arrested for assault and battery. Then, you should have taken out a restraining order on him, while at the same time, have a friend change out ALL your locks, and change out the garage opener code.

He has shown you he will not hesitate to physically attack you. You did not *make him* do this, so if he hands you that line, don't believe him.

Please be safe. If necessary, go to a women's shelter and take the children so he cannot say you "abandoned" them.

He insists that I will have to show I am really really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.
This is the biggest piece of crap I've read today.

At the very least, so what if you don't have "proof" of an affair? You have proof of his lies, and proof that he attacked you.

It is VERY DOUBTFUL, like I am 99.999% sure, he will NOT change. I know in your Profile you said you didn't want to get a divorce. I hope you changed your mind about that, since this situation has taken a terrifying turn.

See an attorney, be safe. You are in danger--things might be calm now, but what about next time he gets riled up?!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 12:41 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't need his forgiveness for hiring a PI. You did what you had to do, since he is a liar, and in a EA, if not a PA. He should be begging your forgiveness for his outright lying. He is just trying to control you and switch the focus onto you.

Don't buy into his making you feel guilty. You did what you had to do for your sanity and to finally find out the truth. Don't let him sweep that under the rug. Don't apologize for the PI in anyway.

You know the M isn't healthy. You know you are at risk. You fear him, fear his reactions. This is no way to live. Do what you need to do to feel safe.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hit and kicked you -- strike 1

He wants you to earn his forgiveness -- bwahahaha ---um hell no... strike 2

he's lying his lying ass off -- strike 1, strike 2 and strike 3....get him out

Step 1. Call an attorney
Step 2. Call an IC specializing in abuse/DV
Step 3. Get every single account number, password, ect for every single financial account. Get print outs of everything! Hard Copies -- store them away from your house.
1. your mortgage
2. The deed to your house
3. Savings/checking/retirement accoutns
4. insurance including car insurance policy numbers and records
5. credit cards
6. investment account records
7. cell phone bill information
8. utility account numbers
9. Make sure you have individual bank accounts and credit cards so he can't cut you off financially
10. run a credit report on both of you.
11. copies of his pay stubs if possible
12. tax records
13. Get your name on utility bills.
14. Make sure you have a vehicle with your name on it.


These things will help you with leverage. They will protect you from inconvenience and headaches if he gets stupid and controlling. Don't let him know what you're doing.

Be careful about leaving the house for too many days. Get him out.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hit you, kicked you, and threatened you with a golf club.

Then he had the BALLS to say YOU had to work for HIS forgiveness???

Good luck with the attorney, please let us know that you're safe.


Posts: 3383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hexed: that is just what I was looking for. Several things I hadn't thought of. The day he found out about the PI he took all the car keys except my son's... Told me he pays for all the cars and to go get my own. He rescinded that 2 days later. Also took my amx that we use for gas/Costco. He has not given me that back yet, nor have I asked.

I work part time as an RN. I could work a ton more but it would mean leaving my kids home more, which I hate. They are not comfortable when with him.

I know what I need to do... But the shock and reality is really, really tough. At one time I said I did not want a divorce, but now I do. It is the process I am afraid of. He can be one nasty SOB.



Married 20 years

Posts: 199 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS68, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. The thing that comes to my mind that I wanted to add, is to remove your personal information, like where you are from and your age etc from your tagline. Perhaps go back in and make your posts more generic (if that's not breaking forum guidelines).

You've given enough information to make yourself easily identifiable IRL. If your husband said he didn't think you came up with the PI idea on your own, he's going to wonder/search for who gave you the idea. Forums like this are easy to search. He may also be the type to install tracking software on your computer etc while you were away, to spy on you. He sounds very controlling and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. If you don't want to give him advanced notice of what you are doing, keep in mind you don't want to put stuff out there that he can get his hands on. I know, ironically sneaky, but you gotta protect yourself and he sounds really shady.

Stay safe!


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

At first I only read that far and had already come to a conclusion.

Then I read on and the comments about the golf-set, the keys and the cars and all that…

Honey – you are in an abusive relationship.
Irrespective of the possible infidelity then his actions show total and utter disrespect for you.
Your sense of fear… that’s how he’s starting to control you.

In the strongest of words then you need to take action.
That can be filing for divorce.
That can be calling an abused-woman’s helpline for advice (these life-saving resources are not only for those women that have already been beaten senseless – they DO advice women in the early stages).
That can be demanding MC.

But honey – YOU NEED TO TAKE ACTION.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5551 | Registered: Sep 2005
catperson
♀ New Member
Member # 38441
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are not comfortable when with him.
Why is that?

Is he abusive or controlling to them, too?

As for what to do now that you're back, I hope the FIRST thing you do is face him and say 'the next time you touch me I'm calling the police.'

The lawyer will tell you that you are entitled to half of everything, including the cars, and he has no right to keep you from them. IIWY, if he still refuses to give you a car, I would call a locksmith and hire him to MAKE you another key to one of them.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is cold and distant from them, especially the older
boys. He always has been. The older they get, the more I see them avoiding him. Besides financially, he has been a lousy father emotionally. He has always put his interests and desires before them.

I will update my profile. Great advice.

[This message edited by TS68 at 1:07 PM, July 11th, 2014 (Friday)]



Married 20 years

Posts: 199 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
pearlharbr
♀ New Member
Member # 38072
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add to hex's great list:

Research the top divorce attorneys in your area. Get a free consult from as many as possible. Once you have conferred with them they cannot take your H as a client. If there are any that specialize in men's rights make sure to see them.


Me: BSO, 40 / Him: WSO, 39
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is when I wish all of us on SI could get together and show up as an army.

You need to have one goal: to get rid of his s.o.b. You are not a dog to be slapped, kicked, threatened, abused, and cheated on. Oh and then ask for his forgivness? Prosecute, divorce. he might be abusing your children too, or he will. Abusers aren't that specific, don't assume they are. What if next time he kicks you he busts your kidney? Or breaks your jaw? or god forbid one of the kids tries to interfere?

You need to become a warrior, those bitch boots everyone talks about? yeah, put them on. Repeat these two words to yourself: f**k. him. He will be confused and flabbergasted if you do, and that's what you want. Of course, above all else keep yourself safe. I would normally advise spending a few days first cleaning out the bank accounts and getting your stuff etc, but you don't even have that luxury. Get out. Let that bitch have his violent cheating ass. She can go to his social events topless and play with your golf clubs if she wants, and then when he finds some new strange she can be the one getting kicked.

Call a women's abuse hotline, an attorney, make a police report, tell family members. You are not safe.

As someone else said, game over.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 369 | Registered: Feb 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry I wasn't more specific, TS68. When I suggested calling the women's shelter for tips, I meant that they will give you the excellent tips like hexed gave you, but also how to do it all the whilst keeping yourself (and children) safe during the transition. This is the most dangerous time for the abused. Even if your husband never was physically abusive before, and this is the first time, it can escalate very quickly. When he starts feeling he has no control over you, it is an extremely dangerous time.

I will add to what hexed said. Make sure you make two copies. Have a trusted friend/family member keep copies for you. Put your copies somewhere safe, a safety deposit box, for instance.

Please keep us posted.



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Riled up he will get. Its not in your post specifically, but I suspect his secretary is playing hard to get and this upsets him greatly. Maybe she says no fooling around until he files for D or something like that. Or maybe she's having an EA that he wants to take further to a PA and she's not going along with his game.

Anything he thinks that gets in his way, like being discovered in his lies about his relationship with her, is going to set him off like a 4th of July rocket. And you are the target.

I don't have to repeat what the others have UNANIMOUSLY told you about getting out NOW. He's dangerous.

Tell the lawyer about the physical abuse and see what she/he can do to get a court order or protective order. Don't tell WH you're seeing a lawyer or that you have filed for divorce. Get safe and have him served. The sooner you do, the safer you'll be. See if he can be barred from the home except under supervised conditions due to physical abuse.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please go back and reread your post from 11:08. I think you inadvertantly included yours or someone elses name. Probably your auto correct filling in a frequently typed name.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone else. I want to add that whether or not he is cheating (he is or is at least trying to) is not your biggest problem right now. The fact that he is a liar is not your biggest problem right now.

Right now your biggest problem is that he is an abuser and you are being abused. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

None of that shit is OK. Even if he wasn't a WS and you had no cause to be suspicious, even if he wasn't lying and she wasn't there. His reaction is NOT OK. It is NOT normal.

There are NO circumstances that would warrant that violence. NONE WHATSOEVER.

How the fuck DARE he.

ETA: you need to report this to the police. To protect yourself and your children. Talk to the DV counsellors about how to so that.

[This message edited by SBB at 12:41 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS

How old are your kids? You might need to work more in the future but hopefully he will be out of the house so it won't be so bad for them.

You have a job. There is no reason you can't get your own cards. Call your current card companies and apply. Do NOT accept an authorized user card. You need your own individual cards.

Get a separate bank account and ATM card. My X trashed our joint account and got it closed by the bank. It made it almost impossible for me to open a bank account wiht a major bank or credit union until I got that straigtened out. Thankfully, I already had my own but I could have been in a cash only world of hurt.

If your cell phone isn't in your own name he can have it cancelled instantly. If your name is on the account at least you can get it turned back on. Better to have your own already, even a pre-paid one for emergency.

Car insurance is another one that can be tricky. Insist or do it yourself, get your name on the registration and title to at least one vehicle. Get copies of keys and hide them. Even if you have to pay for the expensive ones from the dealer.

If you have documents of your assets before you file it make financial discovery easier and protects you if he liquidates things.

If he gets physical at all, call the cops.

If possible squirrel away the money for a retainer with out telling him. If not, be prepared to go in guns ablaze and use a joint card to pay the retainer. Just know that once he sees the charge he will know what's up so you need to be prepared that day.

Feel free to PM me...this post is getting loooong


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After a brief conversation I had with him earlier today I realize he thinks I either still have a PI or know more...

I am placating him right now to calm him down. Buy me some time.



Married 20 years

Posts: 199 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please find a way to get out and take your children with you.. Its not going to get better, it will get worse. Hes abusing you, next time you might end up in the hospital or worse.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please please please be careful and get out if you can. I've been reading stories lately on April Jace, Dominique Dunne, Judith Barsi, Chris Benoit's family… In some cases, there are signs in advance that a person is escalating… No matter what, he should never have put his hands on you. That he is unremoseful and his behavior continues to be threatening - taking your car keys and card… None of those are signs of a safe person. You're in danger, please get out of there!

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:24 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please listen to what everyone else is saying. Get out. Get out now. This is a very dangerous man you are dealing with. A liar and an abuser and you have no idea what a trapped animal might do. For your sake and the kids, get out now.

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
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