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User Topic: He found out that I hired a PI in Nashville
silverhopes
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS68, how are you doing today?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:49 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am okay... I am working all wknd and kids are visiting cousins out of town.

Things seem calmer now...

Main concern for me is that I let this slip through the cracks. It is so easy to get wrapped up in my busy life and the elephant in the room seems to shrink.


This is why finding proof of an actual PA would have kicked me off the fence (which I still think happened last summer between them) but now I realize that his reaction to the PI was enough to call game over. I have been reading up on NPD and am sure this is him. Lack of empathy, lying liar, blame shifting and rage... To name a few. The problem is that it sounds like this personality is challenging to leave. So I feel compelled to prepare as much as possible before he knows what is going on.

This is all my plan. Let me be clear... I have done none of it yet. That will be my biggest hurdle... That plunge into no turning back. Not that I desire at all to stay. I am just petrified of the process.



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's your plan right now? What kinds of steps will it take, and how long until you can get to safety?

One thought: you might be careful with your browser. Delete internet history if you need to. He sounds like the type to escalate; the most important thing is you and your kids getting to safety.

Please tell us how we can help. ((((((hugs)))))))


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
WarehouseGuy
♂ Member
Member # 6037
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might also consider having the mods delete the word "Nashville" from the title of this thread. Just a thought.


whg


If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5303 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie,

Call your local domestic violence shelter, start with getting their advice. They know all about situations like yours. Let them advise you on the best way to proceed.

Please make a promise to yourself and your children if he hits again you'll call the police and have him arrested. You are teaching your kids that it's normal for things to be this bad in a marriage. Please make the call.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call your local domestic violence shelter, start with getting their advice. They know all about situations like yours. Let them advise you on the best way to proceed.

^ What Kajem said.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ I have suggested this a couple of times, too. ^^^^^^^ I can't reiterate enough how helpful a DV shelter can be whilst you are going through this transition. They have BTDT and truly know the best and safest way to do this, TS. This is their purpose. Doesn't mean you have to go to the shelter. They help all abused women, not just ones that need their shelter. Some even have support groups you can go to if you want.

If he is indeed NPD, (sounds like he does at least have some traits), you have been at least psychologically abused for years without even realizing it.

I can imagine how very difficult this must be for you, TS. Overwhelming and scary. I know that is exactly how I would feel. Just look at the process as little steps. Take it one step at a time. You can do it. Many here have done it. Come here often to get the support you need. Also, you might want to check out the Divorce/Separation forum. Great people with a lot of wisdom to share. (((TS68)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I understand doing what you have to do in order to get through it, get past it, make plans. It took me many years to wake up and realize that yes, this was domestic violence, and yes, I needed to end the marriage.

Right now it sounds like you in the calm part of the cycle. There has been a big blow up, and now is the calm where things settle down. He's hoping you've learned your place and won't get uppity again. You're hoping to not do anything that will set him off again. But you know very well that this won't last. Eventually the tension will build up again. The storm will rage again.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
Incident

◾Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

◾Abuser starts to get angry
◾Abuse may begin
◾There is a breakdown of communication
◾Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
◾Tension becomes too much
◾Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

◾Abuser may apologize for abuse
◾Abuser may promise it will never happen again
◾Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
◾Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

◾Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
◾Physical abuse may not be taking place
◾Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
◾Victim may hope that the abuse is over
◾Abuser may give gifts to victim

I ended up calling the domestic violence groups in my area. It was a surreal experience to do that, let me tell you! I couldn't believe I was making the phone calls. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I felt embarrassed because my ex didn't hit me. He wasn't physically violent (well, he didn't hit me, he certainly did throw things, hit things, and would rage right into our faces & make us cower in fear). I thought that what I was going through wasn't as bad as stuff I saw on the news. But actually it was, only in a different way. No, he didn't punch me in the face. However, I can still see the look on his face, still hear his voice, still remember the trembling in my gut as I would endure his rage, his insults, his curses.

SO, I did work with the domestic violence people as well as my IC and members of my church and community/neighbors/family. Yes, I went to a meeting and sat there next to the woman who's husband had put her in the hospital again from his fists. Yes, I told people that when it came down to it, I was afraid for my life and the lives of my children. No, he'd never hit us, but yes, we all were afraid of him and certain one day he would. I was certain that one day he would kill us all.

So I worked through this list to prepare:
http://storage.cloversites.com/abuserecoveryministryservices/documents/Separation%20Safety%20Plan.pdf

At times I felt like I was an actor in a bad Lifetime movie. I would sit there and wonder if things were really "that bad". I kept hoping that he would just wake up one day, realize what he was doing to all of us, be sorry, and then we could have the happy family & life together that I truly wanted.

But that wasn't how things worked out.

At the time of separation I still didn't have rock-solid evidence of his cheating. But by that time I didn't need it. There were so many other things wrong with the marriage I didn't need to have photos documenting his various infidelities. I'd finally come to accept that abuse is also a legitimate reason to divorce. I came to accept that my children were already damaged by living in our home with an abusive father & mother who took it. I came to accept that it was against God to remain in that marriage and allow them to be further damaged by their father & his NPD dysfunction, let alone by the incest which I knew was inevitable if I remained passive & didn't take steps to prevent.

http://www.armsonline.org/#/am-i-being-abused

It is embarrassing to admit that you are being abused. That you have tolerated outrageous behavior and did nothing. I have come to forgive myself, though, because I did what I thought I needed to do to survive and to ensure my children's survival. I now can see the errors in my thinking, I understand why I made those poor decision. I am not ashamed anymore, but I do wish I had acted sooner.

Sister, what are you going to do about your situation?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THERE is no fence

Your husband hit you, kicked you, threatened you with a golf club, and has abused you verbally and emotionally since the incident and probably before.

The above is enough to leave him if you are smart.

The affair or his attempt at it is just icing on the cake because if it is not an affair with hits woman, he wants one with someone.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to say that all is calm. I know I am doing the right thing by appeasing. He seems to have a short memory. As long as things are in his favor. I promise, anything resembling a threat will be a 911 call. I will not hesitate.

Thank you all for your concern. I obviously know him well and know that not aggravating is the best at this moment, until I get my ducks together.



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TS68,

Just checking in, how are things? How are you and your kids?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
shygirl07
♀ Member
Member # 42972
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TS68,
Get out of there as soon as you can, judging from the way hes acting, there is something going on. I am not trying to feed you toxic brainwashing , but sweetheart my ex would act weird and say it was nothing when really it was ... they arent GOOD at hiding things but they CAN hide things far enough .. I once found messages that said "get ready for round 2" to some skank , he made up some elaborate story and I believed it AND he got angry at how insecure I was and said it was a turn off...... other stuff came to surface and he never ever defended me ... he never cared or had compassion when I was visibly upset..

judging exactly from his actions, hes not caring that your suffering, he would be begging you to know it isnt anything.. gather yourself , make a plan, and exit, I KNOW its easier said then done but trust it from someoene whos lived it, it will pay off...


me:27
him:30
7 years together
no children

OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back


Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w


Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shygirl : he said exactly that once... What a turnoff it is that I am so insecure.

Today was my birthday. He got me a Starbucks early in the morning and flowers.

Still wish I could get to the bottom of what is really going on. I hear all of you... Just wish I had more to go on, so he cannot convince everyone I am crazy. After all of this, not one person has come to me confirming anything... No one has warned me or confided any one thing he has done against our marriage. I wanted to blow it out of the water with the PI and failed.



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going to happen when you finally have solid proof of an A and confront him ? Most likely he is going to kick the living shit out of you if your lucky. Perhaps one day when you really have the goods on him he may even kill you. What's going to happen to your children when that happens ? Your an abused woman. Every statement you make screams of an abused person. From the excuses you make for him to claiming that you know him so well. I'm sorry but an A is the least of your problems with your husband. His abuse and control issues supercede any hint of an A. For your safety and the safety of your children you need to get away from him NOW !!! As a man who has been run over by the false DV bus trust me when I say that the law is on your side. There are many people who will help you, but you need to have the scumbag arrested for hitting you first. This will not get better on its own. In fact its going to get worse. As an RN you know firsthand what needs to be done, you know what DV does to people. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but I have zero tolerance for men who hit women. Your H is a coward who could not stand up to another man. Ergo he hits his W and most likely his kids as well. I suggest you do what needs to be done before its too late for you. I'm going to pray that you find the strength to break away from this abuser. I wish you peace.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Nov 2007
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please listen to Stronger. He is one of the good people here who talked sense into me. He helped me get past my denial.

He is right. Everything you're sharing paints a very clear picture of an extremely abusive situation with you as a victim who is still trying to act as if she isn't. Like you, my ex-husband's cheating was secondary to his abuse. You need to consider that it isn't safe for you and your children to remain in the marriage until you have your theoretical ducks in a row. You might not have the luxury of that kind of time.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am listening. Believe me.

Yesterday was my birthday. He bought me flowers and went to Starbucks early in the morning for me.

But he is still a fucking liar. I expressed discomfort in him going to the office this morning knowing it would only be the two of them. He came unglued.

So defensive. Maybe I have made more out of nothing. But he is so nasty when he is mad.

I am listening... Please keep the support. And strength. Feel like I am up against an army and it I am just one.



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think you need to see a crisis counselor ASAP. His abuse is the biggest hurdle you have right now. Its very apparent you are afraid of him. Stop walking on eggshells around him and have his coward ass thrown in jail for hitting you. No one deserves to be physically abused. No one and that includes you too. Please speak to someone about this. You need to have a support system in place IRL. We are here for cyber support but there is not more we can do. I'd love to kick his ass myself, but this laptop is not interactive. Please put and end to his abuse before his abuse puts an end to you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Nov 2007
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger: I know you are right... But jail? It was a lot of "fucking bitch". Which I have heard a decent amt of times in 20 years. I will try to call the number my hospital has for employees for help.
I know I am not a fb or a c. Never saw it as abuse really until now.

So appreciate you staying on me.



Married 20 years

Posts: 201 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't need to get to the bottom of "it". You do not need that smoking gun from the PI or any other smoking gun. As a matter of fact, you are probably better off without it. You have all you need. and you have it without an doubts. You just need to muster that strength. I can't imagine how hard that part is. It's so final compared to hanging on to that last hope that what is going on isn't going on. I know knowing what to do is a lot easier than doing it. Having a plan helps. Refocus yourself off if him and what he may not may not be doing and whether he is or is not being abusive. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Divorce him in your mind and if that helps keep things safe and stable at home, then you have time to implement a good plan and take your steps to leave or have him leave. Good luck and take care.

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jul 2012
Shero
♀ Member
Member # 44041
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you ((TS68))? Happy belated birthday

You know your husband better than anyone else on this thread, that is a given. What I am reading of their concern rings true, though. Do not let it (his horrible defense mechanisms) escalate, but have your escape plan on the front burner.

Much support for you from Cali. ((TS68))


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 62
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