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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Ok, I'm Dating Dumb
BrokenSpirit50
♀ Member
Member # 34485
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted a topic in a really long time. And I feel rather stupid putting this out there but, I know SI'ers are the best and most honest!

A little background, XWH and I have been divorced 2.5 years now. We met as kids and I never really dated anyone else to speak of (as an adult anyway) We were married 32 years when he left for OW.

I met my BF a year ago this month and it's going ok but this is where my confusion is. We live about 1 hour and 20 min from each other so we talk on the phone every day but see each other once a week to week and a half. We are both in our 50's and I don't have kids and his are grown and out of the house and both of us have jobs that start early in the morning and he works one day of the weekend.

My question to others is if you've been dating this long how do you spend your time together? I don't know what a relationship looks like. All I can base it on is when I was married.

We go to the Theatre once every couple of months, mostly out to eat (I would drag him on walks but my back is so bad now I just can't) He's not really an outdoors type.

Another challenge is I have an unfriendly dog so if I stay at his place I only have so many hours and I have to get home. My BF is not a dog person so he doesn't like staying at my place. (my dog is unpredictable so I have to keep him separated from us). I get that my dog makes it uncomfortable to hang out at my place. Sometimes the evening feels like a booty call and I don't like that.

Next week is my b-day and he said we'll do what ever I want...I feel so uncreative when it comes to thinking of things to do. I'm learning. Sigh



Me BS 54
Him WH 55
M 32 yrs - together 40 yrs
Kids 0
D-Day 12-18-11 (WH didn't want to R)
Divorced 6-21-12 Done!

If the grass is greener on the other side....water your own lawn.


Posts: 239 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Midwest
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you like doing for fun? Dancing? Painting? Sky diving?


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3342 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what a relationship looks like.

There is no prescription to what a relationship is supposed to look like. It's what you want it to be.

Is what you have fulfilling to you? Does it fill needs you have? Is the time together worth the time apart?

If you answer yes to those things, then it's worth continuing. If you don't.... maybe reconsider.

For me, my relationships need to grow or I get bored. I need more from a guy at the 6 month mark than I needed from him at the 1 month mark, and even more again at the 1 year mark, etc. More time, more emotional investment, more intimacy, etc. whatever it is, it has to be growing. Stagnant relationships just kind of wither in my experience.

Have you communicated your frustrations or concerns to your BF?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
IrishGirlVA
♀ Member
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you have back issues, maybe a nice day at the lake (or river?) will be nice? You can make up a picnic basket and just relax. That's always how I like to spend my B-Day -- just relaxing and eating!

Or check around town and see if there are any music festivals or wine tastings going on.

Don't go to the movies as you seem to do that quite a bit when you are together.

As far as the distance and the amount of time you spend together, if it is working for both of you and both of you are satisfied with the current arrangement, then just go with the flow!


Me, the "B": 41yo
Him, the "W": 38yo
DDay: June 2013
Status: Over

Posts: 304 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a great birthday! Think about something YOU would like to do.

If you're not into this just being a booty call, then one of you needs to change the game.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 633 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you consider boarding your dog some days/weekends? Or could your dog get classes to be less bad about other people?

I feel like maybe you should generally take stock of what you enjoy doing, too. Why is it so hard for you to think of something you would like? What do you do for fun without him?

It sounds to me as if this could be not just a relationship funk but a kind of life funk. Are you living to the fullest, doing things just for you, letting yourself explore?

On dates I drag guys all sorts of places--to museums, to concerts, to movies, to the beach, to local parks, to the ballet, to readings and talks and lectures. But those are all things I'd be doing anyway, you know? So start with figuring out how you really want to be spending your own time.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BrokenSpirit50
♀ Member
Member # 34485
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all who responded. I loved the suggestions. There seems to be some commonality :-) You reminded me of some books I've read that said "To find happiness....do that which makes you happy". I hope I haven't butchered that but that is what it reminded me of.

Ama

There is no prescription to what a relationship is supposed to look like. It's what you want it to be.

This is so true. Life sure is what you make it. I guess I only have knowledge of young relationships when you are young and want to spend time together no matter what you are doing...now that we're older life's priorities and distance impacts the relationship.

Have you communicated your frustrations or concerns to your BF?

Yes, I have brought some of the things up. I know he hears me because he brings them up at a later time. I don't expect him to change. I have to have a heart to heart with myself.

WB-thanks for the B-day wishes. I think I came up with an idea for that day.Yeah!

Norabird

Would you consider boarding your dog some days/weekends? Or could your dog get classes to be less bad about other people?

Thank you, yes, I board my dog from time to time (especially when he needs to be groomed) and we have attended a couple reactive dog classes. My little Ninja has gotten much better than he was a couple of years ago but, he still can't be left in a room with someone else if I am not around. He has a bad habit of biting peoples ankles with no warning and retreating. But my BF just really doesn't like dogs. Sigh

Thanks again, I knew you all would come through and show me a path.


Me BS 54
Him WH 55
M 32 yrs - together 40 yrs
Kids 0
D-Day 12-18-11 (WH didn't want to R)
Divorced 6-21-12 Done!

If the grass is greener on the other side....water your own lawn.


Posts: 239 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 7

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