Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: HurtCat (45338)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do I feel like I am losing?
confusedinaustin
♀ New Member
Member # 43998
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's been about 10 days since I found out about the affair. He said he was ending it and then I found the email to her saying he missed her and he had no intention of saving his marriage. I asked him to leave our house until he could be honest and stop contacting her and now he is just fleeing. He is spending time with her this weekend, not coming home to our children after being gone on a business trip all week and talking about the big decision he needs to make about either a) working on our marriage or b) getting a divorce before we head to our follow-up couples counseling session next Thursday.

He has just mentally abused me over and over again and I am so hurt by him. Yet why is it that I want to convince him not to rush to make a rash decision? I don't even think I want to be married to him right now but I feel like now isn't the best time to make a life-impacting decision, especially one that will hurt our children. He keeps saying he hasn't made his mind up about getting a divorce yet he tells me he doesn't love me anymore, he tells me he is spending time with OW and that being with me makes him feels more ashamed of himself than anything else. Clearly it's over yet he just won't come out and say it. It's like he wants me to throw him out?

There is a part of me that feels like I am losing here when I should be glad to get rid of him and his lies? Why does it feel like I am being left then? Why does it feel like I am being abandoned? I am going to be left to raise our children and manage my career without him and that hurts but I don't want to feel like a victim or like a loser. Help.

P.S - I have tried the 180. I am not sure I totally understand all of it but I am trying.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Austin
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you mentioned you are in MC, are you seeing your own IC? He is in an unhealthy state of mind. Anyone that can betray their spouse is unhealthy and you trying to figure out what he's thinking or doing will just put you in his sickness. Take yourself out of his tornado of a mind and work on yourself in individual therapy.

I could've written your post. When I was 10 days out I was sick to my stomach, I had lost 9 pounds in 6 days. I was trying to eat, sleep and drink fluids. And yes, WH was still seeing OW after telling me it was over. I was just lucky he left and I didn't have to kick him out. Of course I felt like I was losing like you do. But what did lose? I didn't lose the man I married, I lost the selfish asshole cheating jerk he became. So in fact, I won. As others on this board told me - he's not who you married. That person isn't there anymore.

Put yourself in the drivers seat. One thing I can't get out of my mind that my L told me during our first consult is to stay in control. He was driving my life for too long, it is now time I get behind the drivers wheel.

Hugs to you.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Apr 2014
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first thing I would do is cancel the MC appointment. There is no sense in going to MC if he is spending tome with the OW.

The second thing you need to do is schedule an appointment with an attorney. Don't tell him you're going to do this, just do it. You need to find out your rights. And if he is going to be spending marital funds on the OW, you need to protect your share of the assets.

I would file for divorce. But if you don't want to do that just yet, at least get temporary child support and temporary alimony in place and get your share of the assets protected. I don't know if this can be done without filing, but your lawyer can tell you.

Also, stop contacting him. Just go silent. Begging and pleading, setting up MC, etc only tells him that you will be there no matter what or who he does. Once you go silent, he won't know what to think. And getting a dose of reality like a big fat bill for child support, alimony & losing half his assets might wake him up.

Good luck


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
confusedinaustin
♀ New Member
Member # 43998
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am seeing an IC. I just had the first initial visit this past week. I can tell we are quickly spiraling towards divorce but I am so scared for my kids. My 7yo daughter thinks her dad hangs the moon and is going to be devastated. I guess I was thinking MC might actually get him to wake up and realize he is going to hurt our kids. I dont think I want to be married to him but I am so scared of being alone, raising our kids alone and having to deal with the aftermath his poor decision making is going to have on the kids. I am a type A, successful business woman who prides herself on solving complex business problems on a regular basis. I just feel like a hopeless loser now. I am trying not to blame myself but WH just continues to say horrible, hurtful things to me. I think he is a huge coward and just wants to push me to call mercy and ask for a divorce so he doesnt have to man-up and end things. I mean, it's pretty much over at this point with all the crap he's pulled but yet I feel like he needs to just come out and say that instead of this wishy-washy bs where he tells me he chooses us, that he doesn't want to hurt our kids and that he doesn't know if he wants a divorce. It's like he wants to push me to ask for the divorce so he can say I decided to end things. How do I tell my kids? Shouldn't he have to tell them he is leaving?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Austin
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm telling you, I could've written your posts. I kept wanting my husband to man up and just say he wants the divorce. Re read above post. Get yourself in the drivers seat of your life and make decisions to protect you and your children. I couldn't imagine raising my 4 year old twins on my own. My daughter worships my WH. I kept thinking how their little lives will be turned upside down with the D. Well their little lives will be turned upside down if I stayed with such a sick man. Yours sounds like he's emotionally abusing you as well. Mine did. The affair is abusive in itself to you. You can so this!!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Apr 2014
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and I told my kids daddy isn't going to be living with us anymore. And at their young age, I answer their questions honestly with age appropriate responses. I don't offer more info than asked. My kids see a child play therapist who guides me with all this.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Apr 2014
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And when they ask why he's not living with us I tell them daddy decided to live somewhere else. I reassure them that it's not heir fault, they did nothing wrong and mommy didn't do anything wrong. This all has to do with daddy and his decisions. The I assure them I'm never going anywhere.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Apr 2014
mamajen00
♀ Member
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fairly new here too. It's a terrible situation. What your WH is doing is what they call "fence sitting". He doesn't want to make a decision either way. He's sitting on the fence. I think it's quite common. My WH did it for two and a half months until I finally wouldn't stand for it anymore. I kicked him out and initiated the 180. I met with an attorney and paid the retainer. He also said he was NC with the OW but lied and continued his deception. Don't listen to a word your WH is saying to you. They are all lies and the hurtful things he's saying about you and your marriage are just him re-writing the marital history so he doesn't feel guilt. He's a cheater and a liar. You have to do the 180. Only communicate with him through text or email regarding the kids or finances. Nothing else. I still would rather work on the marriage rather then divorce even after all of the lies, deception, and hurt that my WH has caused me. But I know, deep down, I need to accept the fact that the damage is too deep and the person I once loved is gone.


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is a huge coward and just wants to push me to call mercy and ask for a divorce so he doesnt have to man-up and end things.

I agree he's a huge coward. AND I would add an abusive ass. But I wouldn't "ask" him anything. I would just file and have him served.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:03 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ChangeMaker
♂ Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW is the same. I am positive she wants me to end it, so she can blame me for leading her to the affair, then blame me for ending the marriage. It's her own delusional self-defence against facing her behaviour and realizing she's a selfish liar and cheater.

That's why I'm going to see a lawyer. She wants me to end it. Fair enough. Let's see what she does when I start separating finances.


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 352 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clearly it's over yet he just won't come out and say it. It's like he wants me to throw him out?

Actually, that's very possible that he DOES want you to decide for him. Over the years I've read relationship boards and some have been OW support boards, and you see that crap quite a bit in their posts. They'll say their MM wishes his wife would divorce him or kick him out, etc. etc. It's because THEY don't want to take the responsibility for having been the one to break up the family (even though they already HAVE with their disgusting behavior). But in their eyes, the one who actually pulls the trigger is the one who broke up the marriage.

Delusional? You betcha.

He's made his position pretty loud and clear and you're right, he's a complete coward. A lying, useless coward.

I'd get myself to a lawyer NOW, Confused. You need to find out exactly what you can expect and what your rights are.

Knowledge is POWER.

A lot of women fail to get legal advice and end up getting steamrolled by their husbands because they don't KNOW what they're entitled to or what their rights are. I think they fear going to a lawyer because they see it as the beginning of the end and don't want to take that drastic step.

It's necessary if you want to protect yourself and your kids. Please get to a lawyer NOW.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:40 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your pain. Fence sitting is exactly what he is doing to you. You need to go ahead and shoot of the fence. He doesn't get to decide to sit around and make a decision between you and another woman. That's not how this works when you're married to someone. The reason you are feeling the way you do is because you are human and totally confused about how the person you thought you were married to doesn't exist at all anymore. You're still in shock which is totally normal.

Take the advice that you've given and file for divorce. It doesn't mean you are getting a divorce but shows that you mean business and won't tolerate this behavior. There is possibility that he will pull his head from his ass.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
TimeToGo2014
♀ Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry ((hugs))

Lots of great advice and encouragement here. I just wanted to add that as I'm going through my breakup (not married though) I listed all of my fears of losing the relationship. And then under each fear, I wrote the 'truth'. For example:

Fear: He will begin dating other women right away
Truth: he's been sleeping other women during most of our relationship, anyway.

Fear: I will lose the fallback security
Truth: I have always taken care of myself and kids and have never needed help from anyone.

Anyway, I listed every single fear and addressed each one. It helped me separate my emotions from reality. Not sure If you're in that spot yet to address your fears, but if you want to occupy some mental space it might be helpful.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a losing bet. If he decides you, you "win" a lying, hurtful, abusive cheater who is even willing to abandon his kids. If he decides OW, your M is over which you still see as a loss. There is no ideal result here.

If you decide its over, don't tell him you're filing. Just do it and get him served. Seeing a lawyer gives you knowledge which means less fear about the process.

All you'll be 6 months or a year from now if you do nothing is be 6 months or a year older and a lot more hurt by him.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He keeps saying he hasn't made his mind up about getting a divorce yet he tells me he doesn't love me anymore, he tells me he is spending time with OW and that being with me makes him feels more ashamed of himself than anything else.

You feel like you're losing because you are allowing him to make all the decisions. He thinks he's the one with all the power and you will just sit back and allow him to decide whether or not he stays married. But you have more power than you think. If he's going to continue sneaking around with OW while he makes "his decisions" you need to read up on the 180 so you can gather your strength to make your own decisions for yourself and your children. He is only thinking about himself so you're going to have to be the adult here. Many times, a wayward comes around when he can't have his cake and eat it too and he realizes you aren't waiting in the wings for him to pull his head out of his ass. But the real purpose of the 180 is for you to get strong.

Start deciding what your boundaries are going to be and if he wants to be married he will have to abide by them. If he can't, be prepared to follow through with the consequences. In my case, the only way I would consider reconciliation was absolutely no contact with OW and no friendships with women. I was fully prepared to end the marriage if I didn't get both because I could never respect myself if my husband continued to disrespect me and I allowed it. Decide what your deal breakers are now. No matter where this ends up, you will feel better about yourself if you stand up for yourself. Even if you divorce, you will no longer feel like you are losing if you've done right by you and your children.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 1:41 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4145 | Registered: Sep 2005
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TimetoGo is right. There is so much I was afraid of that was just crap. Some wise person here has a great tag line: on the other side of fear is freedom. It's true.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 607 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
TimeToGo2014
♀ Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tearsoflove- great post. I'm going to use the advice for my own situation!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2014
confusedinaustin
♀ New Member
Member # 43998
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow thanks for all of the insight and advice. I am scared of being alone. I know that I can do it but it's scary to think of being alone after being with someone for 13 years. I am also scared to raise my kids alone. I know deep down that I will make it - I am capable but all of the fear and emotion is making it hard to want to. I feel like my husband is going to leave a huge mess behind for me to clean-up and my daughters will end up having a really difficult time. I am going to hate him for a long time for that.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Austin
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I feel as if I could have written this post. Even down to being with my husband for 13yrs! I too feel as if I am losing something. But as many have pointed out, what is the OW really winning? A liar and a cheat....and much more in my case.

I am new to this and still struggling, but this is a great place for advice. Good luck to you.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I feel as if I could have written this post. Even down to being with my husband for 13yrs! I too feel as if I am losing something. But as many have pointed out, what is the OW really winning? A liar and a cheat....and much more in my case.

I am new to this and still struggling, but this is a great place for advice. Good luck to you.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.