Thanks for responding. I knew I was correct...not because of being a wayward or your confirming post, but by being human. I know of some of my "whys" behind my sins....this is how I know what I spoke of and what you embraced is true.
Hopefully you know the diffence between being condemned and being convicted. Know it FULLY....heart and mind.
Rachelc....hang in there. My sins are tough tough tough to face....and, while they had the potential to destroy my family as well as other families...they did not. So I expect the struggle within a waywards self is far greater than the ones I struggle with.
Sin is sin...but consequences of various sins are HUGELY variable. Adultery is listed as a grievous sin. The consequences are far reaching.
Keep the faith, Hatemyhusband.....your post is full of pain, but resonates strength!
[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:05 PM, July 11th (Friday)]
I truly think the last one was convenient and she came on to him (her BH said she told the same story - plus he cannot have sex due to a health condition). Since my WH is a KISA he was always available to anyone men and women who need his help that is how it started with #2 as well. She said he reminded her of her father - yuk!
You really learn that people are not who you think they are. I told WH that he should go to Hollywood as he is a fantastic actor.
My kids know something occurred. The don't know exactly but when my 12 year old said "Mom, did that time u almost for D have to do w person X? And h heard, it was hard on us all.
I told him it did, that X crossed he line w dad. My son said " I knew it. She was always trying to cause trouble for u two and jealous"
My husband cried after hearing me and son talking.
Yes. So muh pain. Pain for me. My kids. My husband. Pain
I'm glad her kids are atleast spared the pain mine have been hit with. I'm a better person who actually thinks ahead before I act therefore not going over and grabbing her by throat and telling her H. I know he will explode in front of the kids.
My therapist said my situation is one of the "worst" affairs she's seen as the OW was my friend, lives in town, and is son's friend's mom.
Forgive me, but how is this information helpful to you? I think based on the responses here, and some of the stories on this site, that your therapist may or may not be experienced in infidelity, but I don't understand how saying something like this to you is helpful, in any way.
She said she's only seen one worse- clergyman at church whose wife in clergy had affair w another clergyman. Entire congregation knew, kids knew, etc
To me, this is comparing pain. Again - where is the help in this? Do you think that the clergyman hurt worse than you? Less? It seems almost gossipy.
The "two sets of eyes" comment - about why would you want someone stopping your H - it's really more about another set of eyes to tell you if your H is at it again. He cheated for 2 years, so he's proven he's willing to lie. If another person is watching on the other side of the A, then it's more difficult to get away with long term.
Painfulpast brings up some solid points here.....really look into them. It could affect your healing pathway.
I think based on the responses here, and some of the stories on this site, that your therapist may or may not be experienced in infidelity, but I don't understand how saying something like this to you is helpful, in any way.
I am seeing a christian therapist for my IC sessions. When I shared with her my "hands on sex talk" with my parents....she literally gasped and covered her mouth. Yeah....kinda shocked me. Not to the point of retraction but to the point "Shit, that was f'ed up....wasn't it?" point.
Since I believe it was a one time abuse sitch I am electing to not seek out a CSA specialist.
But I DID make a mistake with choosing my therapist that was seeing me for anxiety issues (during the summer my wifes affair was going on but of which I did not know about) as our MC. She was not an infidelity specialists....and it showed.
Your therapists technique of categorizing your experience, your level of trauma, your pain is very unhealthy. Even if your pain is more or less than anothers.....it matters not. What matters is that this therapist has the skills to lead you to the pain, enable/teach you how to face and release the pain, and come out the other side a better person...meaning more able to process pain and discomfort of all levels and sorts. It appears to me she has the potential to prolong your pain, trip up your ability to process life in healthy ways....almost in a "non-relationship friendly way". Much like I envision a group of relationship-burned people would. Kind of a "Oh sister, I can't BELIEVE he would do that to you!!!" sort of way.
Not for me to decide...just wanted to have you examine a wise nudge from Painfulpast. I have reaped a harvest from such nudging.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:55 PM, July 11th (Friday)]
My therapist was not comparing pain,
But addressing that an affair with such betrayal, the duration, the people involved, etc will take a long time to heal from. And she stated that this is by far one of worst she has heard of. The clergyman story she shared bc she was telling me how she saw the same- family intertwined BUT religious believes and entire congregation knew about it YET they were able to recover and reconcile. Not so much of a comparison. She was trying to acknowledge it isn't easy, it's ok to take my time, and there is hope
[This message edited by Hatemyhusband at 6:52 PM, July 11th (Friday)]
Validating the challenge I am experiencing.
OM was one of my good friends. Near-daily text messages, jokes, funny pictures, etc. I helped him get his apartment, talked to the landlord for him when he was having car problems, vented to him about married life, the works.
It has totally destroyed what little sense of family I had. WH is an only child whose parents and grandparents have all passed away. There are no more family holidays or gatherings of any kind on my side as a direct result of their A.
There is no escaping it for me either. When I run into people I know, no one ever asks me how anyone is my family is doing. I don't go to events that I think my sister might go to. Most of the time, I just stay home.
The grief if tangible. Not only do I grieve the loss of my innocent trust, I also grieve the loss of my family. The affect has been profound in my life.
So yes, I do understand the additional struggle that comes with double betrayal. It sucks.
They were an integral part of our entire social life, and it negatively affected some of our close friendships. The most substantial part of the EA (later PA) started when we were on a vacation together with a bunch of of our mutual friends (renting a beach house on the Outer Banks). While I don't have any reason to believe our other friends knew about what was going on between them during the affair (they worked to hide what they were doing), some of our "friends" still spend significant amounts of time with OW and her husband after the fact. And yes, everybody knows what happened. I outed them all after DDay, and what they did was fairly horrific - they not only wrecked my marriage but also almost torpedoed my Ph.D.. Because we are out of state, we are just letting those friendships fade away rather than cause additional drama, but I have felt pretty betrayed that some of our oldest friends wouldn't take a stand on my behalf or on behalf of our marriage. One thing that I have learned during the infidelity process is just how weak and morally deficient some people are. I have come to the conclusion that there is literally nothing another person could do to me that would be bad enough that certain people would be willing to cause any conflict over it. And that's a shitty realization to have about other human beings who you loved and trusted.
Anyway, we moved out of town a couple of months after DDay - not specifically to avoid OW and her husband, but because I got a really good job in another state. I do not know how we would have made it if we hadn't had the opportunity to move. I think having to worry about running into them at parties, or hearing about them from other people, and having to deliberately alter aspects of our life to deal with their presence would have been a nightmare. I really think it would have undermined the reconciliation process in a big way.
As it is, it is still a very long, hard road putting this marriage back together. And one of my biggest issues is that I am kind of afraid of other people now. We have been here a year, and we have not made a single friend, nor do I even want to (and WH has said he doesn't want to either). When I think about ever inviting another couple into my home again, I want to throw up. I think both of us actually have PTSD about the whole "couple friends" thing now. For me, it's not even just about other women - the OW's husband in my case also betrayed me and was emotionally abusive towards me after DDay. There was no remorse at all from OW or her husband. I never even got an apology from either of them. Over time it's been more difficult to process that than to deal with my husband's betrayal. I still cry frequently thinking about how badly OW treated me during this whole thing. How could I ever trust another friend after everything that has happened?
The double betrayal is one of the worst things anyone can ever go through. It has the potential to destroy a person's faith in other human beings. Not only is your spouse betraying you, but the people you might turn to in a time of crisis are helping him do it, and then other people often fail to stand next to you after the SHTF. And you lose all of your happy memories, pictures, holidays, everything - five entire years of my life are now completely tainted because of my husband's affair with my friend. The whole process is an absolutely cruel and evil thing to do to another human being.
[This message edited by TheGarden at 11:37 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]
Fwh was obs best friend...best man at the wedding...they had been friends 12 or so years....obs, fwh and I lived together when we were younger then fwh and obs lived together again I'm 2012 when they were away for work. So they were way closer then ow and I but still I confided in her and trusted her....I don't have friends anymore...how can I? I can't trust anyone. It messes you up. I hate her and wish her nothing but a miserable life. Obs and fwh are friends again (obs and ow are divorced) which I have never seen in my 2 years here...it can be awkward. Obs is here 4 or 5 times a month and him and fwh text almost daily again....obs says it is still weird for him at times but I feel like I'm the only one it's weird.I have to leave the room sometimes.
None of us have anything to do with ow.
I have yet to run into her. Just her kids, parents, her naive H. I can't wait for the day she and I are at the same place. I had two "discussions " w her. Days after. I will never cry, yell or make a scene. I'll look her in the eye and hold my head up high and she will get the heck out of my space so fast. I. Can. Not. Wait.
I'm the first person to call people out for their wrong behavior but quite frankly if protecting my kids from this nitemare costs this chick's husband living a lie, so be it.
I'm not chancing that this man doesn't explode in front of his own kids, mine and the entire town. They are an unstable couple w drugs and alcohol part of their lives
And.. You know what else I would LOVE to do if it wouldn't hurt my kids to hear, out the fact that an elem teacher-her- was screwing my husband in her classroom 15 mins after her students left.
I'd love to protect the other man but not if it hurts my kids or her kids. Not happening She can live with that guilt or no guilt. I don't own that. She does
[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 11:49 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]