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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How well do u know OW?
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((somethingremorse)))

Thanks for responding. I knew I was correct...not because of being a wayward or your confirming post, but by being human. I know of some of my "whys" behind my sins....this is how I know what I spoke of and what you embraced is true.

Hopefully you know the diffence between being condemned and being convicted. Know it FULLY....heart and mind.

Rachelc....hang in there. My sins are tough tough tough to face....and, while they had the potential to destroy my family as well as other families...they did not. So I expect the struggle within a waywards self is far greater than the ones I struggle with.

Sin is sin...but consequences of various sins are HUGELY variable. Adultery is listed as a grievous sin. The consequences are far reaching.

Keep the faith, Hatemyhusband.....your post is full of pain, but resonates strength!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:05 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Summerluv123
♀ Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the long list of OW being a good friends. As you can see from my signature there have been 3...yes 3. The first was 15 years ago and was WH's co-worker. The last 2 were in the last 2 years and just last month. The last two hurt the most as one is a neighbor (who I know now is a drug addict/dealer and is also crazy) and the last was one of my very good friends. That one hurts the most.

I truly think the last one was convenient and she came on to him (her BH said she told the same story - plus he cannot have sex due to a health condition). Since my WH is a KISA he was always available to anyone men and women who need his help that is how it started with #2 as well. She said he reminded her of her father - yuk!

You really learn that people are not who you think they are. I told WH that he should go to Hollywood as he is a fantastic actor.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 28 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
Hopeful for R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Something Remorse
And thanks blakesteele.
I get that my H, the AP, must be dealing with pain too. You te so right. At times, when I'm feeling a bit anxious about attending a function bc who we may run into and shoot off "
" u get to walk in and feel fine. I feel anxious" He shared it's tough to watch me and kids feel this way

My kids know something occurred. The don't know exactly but when my 12 year old said "Mom, did that time u almost for D have to do w person X? And h heard, it was hard on us all.
I told him it did, that X crossed he line w dad. My son said " I knew it. She was always trying to cause trouble for u two and jealous"
My husband cried after hearing me and son talking.

Yes. So muh pain. Pain for me. My kids. My husband. Pain

I'm glad her kids are atleast spared the pain mine have been hit with. I'm a better person who actually thinks ahead before I act therefore not going over and grabbing her by throat and telling her H. I know he will explode in front of the kids.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist said my situation is one of the "worst" affairs she's seen as the OW was my friend, lives in town, and is son's friend's mom.

Forgive me, but how is this information helpful to you? I think based on the responses here, and some of the stories on this site, that your therapist may or may not be experienced in infidelity, but I don't understand how saying something like this to you is helpful, in any way.


She said she's only seen one worse- clergyman at church whose wife in clergy had affair w another clergyman. Entire congregation knew, kids knew, etc

To me, this is comparing pain. Again - where is the help in this? Do you think that the clergyman hurt worse than you? Less? It seems almost gossipy.

The "two sets of eyes" comment - about why would you want someone stopping your H - it's really more about another set of eyes to tell you if your H is at it again. He cheated for 2 years, so he's proven he's willing to lie. If another person is watching on the other side of the A, then it's more difficult to get away with long term.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, that retelling of the convo between you and your son broke my heart. I still get soooo nervous thinking about any time when our daughters will find out about the affair or at a time when my wife and I decide it is prudent to discuss with them....just heart breaking. Mercy and grace to you.

Painfulpast brings up some solid points here.....really look into them. It could affect your healing pathway.

I think based on the responses here, and some of the stories on this site, that your therapist may or may not be experienced in infidelity, but I don't understand how saying something like this to you is helpful, in any way.


I am seeing a christian therapist for my IC sessions. When I shared with her my "hands on sex talk" with my parents....she literally gasped and covered her mouth. Yeah....kinda shocked me. Not to the point of retraction but to the point "Shit, that was f'ed up....wasn't it?" point.

Since I believe it was a one time abuse sitch I am electing to not seek out a CSA specialist.

But I DID make a mistake with choosing my therapist that was seeing me for anxiety issues (during the summer my wifes affair was going on but of which I did not know about) as our MC. She was not an infidelity specialists....and it showed.

Your therapists technique of categorizing your experience, your level of trauma, your pain is very unhealthy. Even if your pain is more or less than anothers.....it matters not. What matters is that this therapist has the skills to lead you to the pain, enable/teach you how to face and release the pain, and come out the other side a better person...meaning more able to process pain and discomfort of all levels and sorts. It appears to me she has the potential to prolong your pain, trip up your ability to process life in healthy ways....almost in a "non-relationship friendly way". Much like I envision a group of relationship-burned people would. Kind of a "Oh sister, I can't BELIEVE he would do that to you!!!" sort of way.


Not for me to decide...just wanted to have you examine a wise nudge from Painfulpast. I have reaped a harvest from such nudging.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:55 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Allornothing
♀ Member
Member # 42354
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's right next door. Our families and children were all friends. It was her son and my daughter that walked in on them. I just wish that my hubby had listened when I said that this charismatic, charming person was trouble...


Me- BS 43
Him- FWH 43
Married 19 years, Together 26
Kids- 23,21,15,14
D Day- 7 Sept 2013
OW- Irrelevant

Posts: 181 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clarification-- I was explaining to my therapist that a friend said "u love him. He loves u. Make it work. Get over it" and how I responded "it isn't easy. 7 months and I have multiple triggers to tackle a day w living in town she does, passing places of encounters, etc. It's not like he slept w someone in another state once and it doesn't have to be in my face"

My therapist was not comparing pain,
But addressing that an affair with such betrayal, the duration, the people involved, etc will take a long time to heal from. And she stated that this is by far one of worst she has heard of. The clergyman story she shared bc she was telling me how she saw the same- family intertwined BUT religious believes and entire congregation knew about it YET they were able to recover and reconcile. Not so much of a comparison. She was trying to acknowledge it isn't easy, it's ok to take my time, and there is hope

[This message edited by Hatemyhusband at 6:52 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2013
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding the therapist's comment, when my counselor said how difficult my case was, I actually felt a sense of understanding from her just how difficult this was for me. It was like confirmation of why I was struggling so hard to push through this, what complicating factors make such a notoriously difficult situation even tougher. It was not done in a way that made me feel defeated, but more an acknowledgment of the multiple levels of betrayal and the difficulty in having to deal with the intense repeated exposure to those who betrayed me (ex-childhood friend and mother in law, in addition to my husband) with their "in my face" behavior For me, it was validating and helped me to see that there were reasons for my intense struggle.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly

Validating the challenge I am experiencing.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Raises hand*

OM was one of my good friends. Near-daily text messages, jokes, funny pictures, etc. I helped him get his apartment, talked to the landlord for him when he was having car problems, vented to him about married life, the works.

It sucks.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2064 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the OW was my sister. My WH had a three year affair with her. She is a year older than me and we were very close. My kids knew. Her kids knew. Her BH knew. Everyone knew except me.

It has totally destroyed what little sense of family I had. WH is an only child whose parents and grandparents have all passed away. There are no more family holidays or gatherings of any kind on my side as a direct result of their A.

There is no escaping it for me either. When I run into people I know, no one ever asks me how anyone is my family is doing. I don't go to events that I think my sister might go to. Most of the time, I just stay home.

The grief if tangible. Not only do I grieve the loss of my innocent trust, I also grieve the loss of my family. The affect has been profound in my life.

So yes, I do understand the additional struggle that comes with double betrayal. It sucks.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
TheGarden
♀ Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like BionicGal, the OW and her husband were our closest couple friends. The really bad part about my situation is that there is no other BS - the OW's husband was also "in on it" and encouraged his wife to have an affair with my husband.

They were an integral part of our entire social life, and it negatively affected some of our close friendships. The most substantial part of the EA (later PA) started when we were on a vacation together with a bunch of of our mutual friends (renting a beach house on the Outer Banks). While I don't have any reason to believe our other friends knew about what was going on between them during the affair (they worked to hide what they were doing), some of our "friends" still spend significant amounts of time with OW and her husband after the fact. And yes, everybody knows what happened. I outed them all after DDay, and what they did was fairly horrific - they not only wrecked my marriage but also almost torpedoed my Ph.D.. Because we are out of state, we are just letting those friendships fade away rather than cause additional drama, but I have felt pretty betrayed that some of our oldest friends wouldn't take a stand on my behalf or on behalf of our marriage. One thing that I have learned during the infidelity process is just how weak and morally deficient some people are. I have come to the conclusion that there is literally nothing another person could do to me that would be bad enough that certain people would be willing to cause any conflict over it. And that's a shitty realization to have about other human beings who you loved and trusted.

Anyway, we moved out of town a couple of months after DDay - not specifically to avoid OW and her husband, but because I got a really good job in another state. I do not know how we would have made it if we hadn't had the opportunity to move. I think having to worry about running into them at parties, or hearing about them from other people, and having to deliberately alter aspects of our life to deal with their presence would have been a nightmare. I really think it would have undermined the reconciliation process in a big way.

As it is, it is still a very long, hard road putting this marriage back together. And one of my biggest issues is that I am kind of afraid of other people now. We have been here a year, and we have not made a single friend, nor do I even want to (and WH has said he doesn't want to either). When I think about ever inviting another couple into my home again, I want to throw up. I think both of us actually have PTSD about the whole "couple friends" thing now. For me, it's not even just about other women - the OW's husband in my case also betrayed me and was emotionally abusive towards me after DDay. There was no remorse at all from OW or her husband. I never even got an apology from either of them. Over time it's been more difficult to process that than to deal with my husband's betrayal. I still cry frequently thinking about how badly OW treated me during this whole thing. How could I ever trust another friend after everything that has happened?

The double betrayal is one of the worst things anyone can ever go through. It has the potential to destroy a person's faith in other human beings. Not only is your spouse betraying you, but the people you might turn to in a time of crisis are helping him do it, and then other people often fail to stand next to you after the SHTF. And you lose all of your happy memories, pictures, holidays, everything - five entire years of my life are now completely tainted because of my husband's affair with my friend. The whole process is an absolutely cruel and evil thing to do to another human being.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 11:37 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 60 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ow was my friend. We were really close in 2011 and the beginning of 2012....then we drifted apart around the time the affair started....she started spending most of her time with my sister in law and I found the two of them together really irritating and they were ALWAYS together so I just kind of avoided them.

Fwh was obs best friend...best man at the wedding...they had been friends 12 or so years....obs, fwh and I lived together when we were younger then fwh and obs lived together again I'm 2012 when they were away for work. So they were way closer then ow and I but still I confided in her and trusted her....I don't have friends anymore...how can I? I can't trust anyone. It messes you up. I hate her and wish her nothing but a miserable life. Obs and fwh are friends again (obs and ow are divorced) which I have never seen in my 2 years here...it can be awkward. Obs is here 4 or 5 times a month and him and fwh text almost daily again....obs says it is still weird for him at times but I feel like I'm the only one it's weird.I have to leave the room sometimes.

None of us have anything to do with ow.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 243 | Registered: Oct 2012
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I knew the OW
But really I didn't have a clue


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
Beautifulmom
♀ Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW was my best friend of 14 years. She was my maid of honor and I was hers. Our families went on vacation together, spent holidays together, and her mom always told me that I was part of the family. 3 years before I found out they were having an affair, I started noticing things that made me feel uncomfortable. Just the way they acted together and towards their spouses. The thing is, they both knew me so well. They would both know what to say to make me think that I was at fault for the way I was feeling, when in truth...THEY WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR! I don't think it was malicious as much as it was that they had both decided that really the problem was their spouses, not them, who were at fault.
One day my husband announced that he wanted to throw away his military career and settle down, moving 3 streets away from her, all the way across the country. I thought, Why not? Our kids will grow up like brothers and sisters (thank God they lost the bid on the house right next door to ours!!!).
I remember when I first found out, I yelled at my WH that he had taken HER away from me. The excruciating pain that comes from knowing that the 2 people you trust most in the world think that you deserve to be thrown away like a piece of trash. To me, to do something like that requires a hatred for someone.
The sad part is that now, almost 2 years later and with no contact between either family, everyone is still having to sift through the humongous pile of wreckage from burden OW and WH have left us with. Last week my 5 year old came home with a poster from camp of her favorite things, and under "best friends" she had listed OW's 2 children. She hasn't seen them for almost 2 years and still asks and talks about them. Things like this will always come out of the blue and stab us I suppose, forever and ever.
Almost 2 years, and I see this whole thing (today anyway) as a gift mostly. Never again will I believe that anyone has the right to treat me the way that OW and WH did. I let them treat me that way just because I thought they loved me. It is a gift that she is not in my life anymore (must I explain why?). Most of all, it is a gift that I will see her at the grocery store or at the school where my oldest will start kindergarten or running in the neighborhood and I will hold my head high and know that I survived and that my life is moving upwards. I will be shaking, but she won't know that. And her life? Knowing her, it is probably where it was when I left her, miserable. And trying to get someone else's life or husband will never fix that.


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry BeautifulMom. I hear ur pain in ur post. As times moves on, we get stronger. And I'm so much stronger bc if this. I know I can and will take care of myself and kids should DD2 ever arrive or I get to the point where H no longer makes me happy

I have yet to run into her. Just her kids, parents, her naive H. I can't wait for the day she and I are at the same place. I had two "discussions " w her. Days after. I will never cry, yell or make a scene. I'll look her in the eye and hold my head up high and she will get the heck out of my space so fast. I. Can. Not. Wait.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2013
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont post much anymore. But...I really think its wrong to leave the other betrayed spouse in the dark. He is living a lie. He has a right to know.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunflower, I get it. I get what it felt like to be betrayed and I don't think it would hurt less if I found out from someone or myself. Anyhow, I'm being honest. I care about my kids and my kids only. If her betrayed spouse doesn't know, shame on him. She's out at bars almost every nite. She flirts w every man publicly. She's obnoxious and nasty. And according to her, her husband is a drunk, cheater himself and one mean person.

I'm the first person to call people out for their wrong behavior but quite frankly if protecting my kids from this nitemare costs this chick's husband living a lie, so be it.
I'm not chancing that this man doesn't explode in front of his own kids, mine and the entire town. They are an unstable couple w drugs and alcohol part of their lives

And.. You know what else I would LOVE to do if it wouldn't hurt my kids to hear, out the fact that an elem teacher-her- was screwing my husband in her classroom 15 mins after her students left.

I'd love to protect the other man but not if it hurts my kids or her kids. Not happening She can live with that guilt or no guilt. I don't own that. She does


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2013
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know the situation. But for me personally...it would matter to me to know that others knew way before I did. If They had the opinion that if I was to dense to figure it out on my own then thats my problem. Im just sayin. I understand that its not up to you to tell the mow's bh. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Just my thoughts.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 11:49 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know all to well what it feels like to be angry.
I am not trying to argue or say this is how you should do this or that. Im 4 yrs out. I know all to well the damage an affair can have on kids. Everyone handles it differently. Thats all I'm saying.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Topic Posts: 41
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