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User Topic: Lies I told myself about my AP
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the A, I told myself many lies about my AP. I am not sure why I would have wanted to tell myself lies - these lies helped me to continue the affair.

Here are some of them:
1) He cared about me and I cared about him. If you care about someone you don't walk hand in hand with them into their destruction. I realize that this statement contradicts how I felt (and still do) feel about my BH - I deeply care about him, but I destroyed him.

2) He loved me and I loved him. It certainly wasn't love. This couldn't have been further from the truth. What I had (have) with my BH is real love.

3) He was a good father. Now, I don't want to offend any of the WH on here who have kids. I am not trying to imply that you are not a good father. Thinking in terms of my AP, if he was a good father, would he have introduced me to his children and given me access to them? Would he have had sex with me in his home while first son was sleeping upstairs? Would he have taken time away from them to go to union conferences with me? I put him and the OBS on a pedestal that they were such great parents since I was projecting onto them my wants (or supposed wants).

4) He didn't judge me. Of course he must have. I was the OW - probably a whore in his eyes.

5) He was my friend . Friends don't do things to possible fuck up other friends' lives. What we were doing DID end up hurting each other and a lot of other people.

6) He had a good marriage - one that I envied.
The only things I saw in their marriage is what they presented to me when I was around them or what OBS shared on FB about her "wonderful husband". I don't know what went on with them in private. How could they have had a good marriage if he was cheating on her?

7) He was worldly. Just because he spoke another language and studied abroad. That doesn't make you worldly. My BH is WAY smarter than my AP ever was.

8)He was a good person.

9) I could be silly with him. See previous post: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=530531&HL=38336

10) He had such great friends. I HAD great friends. Why the fuck would it matter to me what friends he had?

11) He wouldn't treat me disrespectfully. Um, isn't an affair the most disrespectful thing you could ever do?

12) We had such great conversations. Thinking back, it was mostly when OBS or other friends were around.

13) He was attractive. My BH is attractive, not my AP. My AP wasn't attractive at all. I was attracted to high that I was getting during the A.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very similar to the lies I told myself about my AP.

I could also create a huge list of things about my AP that I deliberately overlooked or didn't want to admit were true. When I think about those things, I shiver.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2011
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I think about those things, I shiver.

Yup - the lies pretty much make me feel sick to my stomach.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every WS tells themselves regurgitated versions of the same lies. We're so predictable.

Don't focus on your lies. You see them for what they are. And yes they are ugly and horrible. Focus on your truths. Use them to build yourself up out of the mire. You have seen the light. You know the truth. With truth and light comes empowerment.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6234 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't focus on your lies. You see them for what they are. And yes they are ugly and horrible. Focus on your truths. Use them to build yourself up out of the mire. You have seen the light. You know the truth. With truth and light comes empowerment

Thanks for this Aubrie - your SI wisdom is always appreciated. I guess I just wanted to get the lies out there in writing - to see them for what they really are. I am focusing on my truths - the ugly ones and the beautiful ones. I am digging myself out of the mire, even though it is a tough trip to the top.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you.

You can do it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6234 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6) He had a good marriage - one that I envied.
The only things I saw in their marriage is what they presented to me when I was around them or what OBS shared on FB about her "wonderful husband". I don't know what went on with them in private. How could they have had a good marriage if he was cheating on her?

I might challenge this one. People in good marriages cheat, all the time. I was in a good marriage -- not a great one, but a good one. Far better than the one the AP was in - and she wanted mine as well. So, it is common. So, just because he cheated, doesn't mean the marriage was bad. Could have been a bad spot -- midlife crisis, etc.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:55 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
lovehonorcherish
♀ Member
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree 100% bionicgal. Thank you for saying what I am feeling about that particular statement!


I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might challenge this one. People in good marriages cheat, all the time. I was in a good marriage -- not a great one, but a good one. Far better than the one the AP was in - and she wanted mine as well. So, it is common. So, just because he cheated, doesn't mean the marriage was bad. Could have been a bad spot -- midlife crisis, etc.

Bionicgal and Lovehonorcherish,
You both may be right. I had a good relationship with my BH. I think more of the lie that I told myself was that my AP and OBS had this marriage that I put on a pedestal - that it was some perfect marriage, one that I envied and wished I had (although not wanting to be married to my AP) with my BH. However their marriage was not perfect and should not have been held in such high esteem by me. That was the lie. Sorry for offending you both.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 12:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My list of lies are pretty similar. great post and work on your part.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
lovehonorcherish
♀ Member
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No offense taken, pizzalover. Thank you for taking the time to clarify and helping me to better understand your point of view


I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I didn't offend you!


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Badchoice. I appreciate the positive words.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to many of these as well...


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 392 | Registered: Dec 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reminded by BH of something that I said about AP and OBS that I now realize was a lie.

I wanted them to have a good marriage and sex life.

How could this possibly be true? I was only harming their marriage and sex life with what I was doing with AP. I was taking away the safety and security of their marriage. I was hurting OBS beyond anything in the world that could have touched her. I claimed to love her and be her friend. How could this be true?

BH keeps asking me why I would have wanted to lie about these things. He used an analogy that if he saw some shit on the ground he wouldn't say "That shit tastes good." What he is saying makes perfect logical sense. I don't understand his I couldn't have seen it. That I couldn't see the lies for what they were.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand his I couldn't have seen it. That I couldn't see the lies for what they were.

You didn't want to. It's like someone who is on a substance trip. You don't want anything to ruin your high. So you block out or remove anything that will bring you down. Logic goes out the window.
While you were with your family, you blocked out what you and OM were doing. While you were with OM, you blocked out your family. The two worlds couldn't collide or it would ruin the high. When both families were together, you created a space for that too. You had to have developed this form of compartmentalization either in early child hood or you were born with that talent, possibly both.

Compartmentalization is a coping mechanism. It can be used for a positive as well as a negative. You do it at work if you are over or doing multiple projects. What you were missing was empathy across the board.
If you were able to encompass a blanket of empathy to the affair, you would have seen how and who you were hurting.

You didn't want to see that...you wanted to feel desired, that you belonged to a prominent family.

Where did you learn how to bury empathy? When did it start?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you were able to encompass a blanket of empathy to the affair, you would have seen how and who you were hurting. Where did you learn how to bury empathy? When did it start?

FRM, I read this on Saturday and have been thinking about it ever since...how to answer this question. I never thought of myself as a non-empathetic person. I always thought that I cared about people and their feelings. My BH told me that before the A came out he thought I was one of the most caring people he had met. I thought I cared about everyone during the A - my BH, AP, OBS, AP's kids, etc.

I am not sure where I learned to bury empathy. It must have been at a young age. I was reading some of my old posts and here is what I posted August 29, 2013 that relates to this question:
Another thing we talked about in IC today was stealing I have done in my past. Before I start, I'm not proud of the stealing I did, and I was very eye-opening when I recalled all of the things I did. I feel ashamed of what I did. I remember as a kid stealing money that I would find around my house (mostly loose change). Also, in elementary school, I had a teacher who kept candy in her desk for prizes. I remember going in her room during my lunch and taking candy. My first job at 15 was at a fruit/veggie/dried fruit and nut stand. I stole cashews and pistachios as well as fruit and veggies. I worked at an amusement park in a ticket booth. I would ring in that a customer had a coupon, and then pocket the money. I am not sure how much I took from there - I remember using the money to take friends out to dinner in college or buy beer. I remembered I liked treating my friends (I've always been the type of person to buy more rounds of drinks, or treat someone to dinner, etc - it makes me feel good making others feel good.) In college, I worked at a pharmacy - they had an old-school system of people being allowed to have accounts to pay off later. I could have an account too. I remember buying a few things, but then taking more then I was going to pay for. I would also steal clothing out of dryers at people's apartments when I was there for parties - I would put the clothes on under my clothes. When I first started substitute teaching (this was in 99), if I was in a classroom that seemed disorganized, I would take a book or post-its or something like that. Over the years at work, we had an "honor box" for snacks - I would take snacks without paying or pay a smaller amount to take more. As an adult, I have been stealing ideas. I would go into a colleagues room and photograph activities they were doing or go in a file cabinet to photograph worksheets, etc. I know that if I would have asked, they would have shared it with me, because I did this recently and I told my BH and he told me to tell the girl that I took some pictures and was that okay and she said yes (sorry for my poorly constructed sentence.) My IC thinks all the stealing equates to trying to get needs filled - I didn't have something so I wanted it. None of the things were necessary for me to have. I was actually tempted to steal an idea today, but I didn't. I am seeing my boundaries. I obviously need to figure out what made me engage in a risky behavior of theft.

Obviously when I was stealing I was lacking empathy for those I was taking from. I would be devastated if someone stole from me, but I apparently had no problem at the time stealing from them. I wasn't thinking about the consequences of my actions at the time, especially stealing money from the amusement park that could have put me in jail if I was caught. I have not stolen since the last incident (stealing ideas) so that is a positive change in my life.

Another consequence I wasn't thinking about if was when I continued to smoke marijuana at union functions after I was caught. The time I was caught luckily I was not charged with anything because there was no evidence that the police could use to charge me and the people that I was with. I could have gone to jail and lost my teaching job which I care about deeply. I wasn't thinking of consequences. I compartmentalized them like I compartmentalized my A.

My BH doesn't understand compartmentalization and it's hard for me to understand too (although I liked your description). That I had (have?) the ability to push people aside. I don't like to see that about myself. Did my ability to compartmentalize start at an early age? What made me capable? You said I may have been born with it - is that really possible? Is it hereditary? My mom is a hoarder and she is obviously compartmentalizing how her behavior is affecting other people - she is not trying to change herself. She is not dealing with the fact that my brother and I will have to deal with her house when she dies.

Obviously I need to continue to think about your questions. I believe they are fundamental is helping me figure things out about the affair - that I was capable of something so destructive. It is an ugly part of me that I didn't think I had.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We as human beings have the ability to do both right and wrong. It is left up to us where we draw the line or place boundaries.

You liked getting attention for being a "good" person. Stealing was a doorway to your wayward behavior. Stealing allowed you to "buy" your friend's admiration. The more you got away with it the less you had fear Of getting caught. Serial killers (not comparing you to one) start out by torturing insects and small animals. Then move on to human beings.
You, in essence, started out by stealing small things. Then the ultimate steal was someone's husband. You thought you were making everybody happy by being "part" of their family. Just like with the stealing, you were making people admire you with stolen money. If you look at the Stealing money and Stealing someone's husband Scenarios, the outcome for you is similar, admiration at someone else's expense.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 2:54 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you look at the Stealing money and Stealing someone's husband Scenarios, the outcome for you is similar, admiration at someone else's expense.

This makes me physically sick. Am I am monster? I feel like one a lot of the time. It's probably why I tried to kill myself after D-day - that I could have hurt so many people and I couldn't deal with the pain. It makes me sick that I had (have?) the capability to hurt people to get my needs met. My BH always says that OBS would have never wanted to know me just like BH never would have wanted to know AP.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I am monster?

No..not by a longshot.

A monster wouldn't care...you care now. That's the difference. Your behavior was monstrous, but you want to redeem yourself. That makes you more human than anything. Don't dwell on what you did. Dwell on how much better a person you have become and still becoming


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 24
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