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User Topic: AP made contact
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm shaking right now.

For those that know my story, my AP is currently here in my town on a family vacation that he initially arranged so he could meet me in person.

After I ended things with him last week (it was no longer romatic at that point, just a friendship, but he still wanted a connection, even a platonic one whereas I just wanted to end all contact completely), I confessed the whole thing to BH on Friday.

AP had mentioned he would send me one last email on Monday with a final offer/plea/request to meet me, even just for one minute, and that he knew my answer would probably be no, but that he'd leave me alone after that.

I pre-empted his email with one of my own explaining that I told BH everything, I promised him that there would be no more contact, and that we were not to make contact ever again.

I got a call on my office phone a few minutes ago - AP saying not to hang up and that he was outside my office and wanted one minute just to meet me as I promised before he left for home again, with no opportunity again after that to meet in person.

The guilt was there. The same tactics he'd used over the last few months to keep me in and connected. "I came all this way" "You promised" "You would do that? You would destroy me like that?"

I told him I promised BH no more contact and that that was a far higher priority. I told him I wasn't going to meet him, and to not contact me again. I also told him I'd be telling BH.

I hung up.

I could feel that pull. I could feel those same buttons getting pushed to not be a bitch. He just wants 1 minute. The same stuff that, even though the romance/sex stuff was over months ago, kept me connecting with him when I should have cut it off long ago. The same feelings and patterns of me putting others before my BH.

F it. He can think I'm a bitch. He can hate me for the rest of his life.

I feel like I've ruined so many lives with this. I know he's responsible for his own life and well being, that he shouldn't hang that on me, but I feel responsible.And as much as my priority is to my BH, I'd feel absolutely horrible if AP did something drastic like hurt himself over me.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 you are responsible for you and your BH not your AP

2 stop and think for a second here, you were arranging an event with friends in another thread without your BH. and here your AP is in town. don't know whether conscious or subconscious. but I think you have some serious evaluating to do. you may have scored points with your BH. But if I were you, I would not trust myself.

3. now kudos for recognizing the tactics and hanging up. have you told you BH yet? I sure hope you told him before you told us.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 832 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 stop and think for a second here, you were arranging an event with friends in another thread without your BH. and here your AP is in town. don't know whether conscious or subconscious. but I think you have some serious evaluating to do. you may have scored points with your BH. But if I were you, I would not trust myself.

Yes. I'm learning that. I feel like George Costanza - everything I've been doing up to this point is wrong and I need to do things the opposite of what I have been... or at the very least give it more thought than acting automatically as I have done in the past. I obviously have patterns that need re-wiring.

3. now kudos for recognizing the tactics and hanging up. have you told you BH yet? I sure hope you told him before you told us.

Oh I did. He was fine with it and thanked me for telling him. He warned me to not leave the office any time soon, and that when I was ready to leave for the day, to call him (BH) just so I could feel secure and be talking to him as I'm walking to my car.

I did also tell him that I've cancelled me meeting up with my girlfriends that I mentioned in the last thread. My girlfriends made the offer and arrangements, I just agreed to join them, but sent my regrets after thinking about it instead.

BH said that I didn't have to, he was really fine with me going, but that perhaps we could do a meetup with everyone instead so I could see them.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't mean to put a stop sign on this! Sorry! Can a mod fix that?


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

calling your BH is perfect when you are leaving. then when/if AP show up again. you BH can be on the phone to hear your interactions. If that happens DON'T PANIC stay on the phone. whatever happens stay on the phone with BH. so there are no questions.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 832 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
PenitentMan
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive me if you answered this already elsewhere, but does his W know? I'm pretty sure if she did the chances of him contacting you would be much less (either now or in the future). Plus the fact that she deserves to know. Would've been better if she had found out before this trip, which probably would've been cancelled I assume.
Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. Bringing them out into the light takes the wind out of their sails.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2014
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive me if you answered this already elsewhere, but does his W know? I'm pretty sure if she did the chances of him contacting you would be much less (either now or in the future). Plus the fact that she deserves to know. Would've been better if she had found out before this trip, which probably would've been cancelled I assume.
Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. Bringing them out into the light takes the wind out of their sails.

she doesn't know. I agree, she deserves to know, and before I ended things with AP, we got into arguments about telling vs. keeping everything secret. He didn't want me to tell BH - saying he didn't want to break his promise that he wouldn't destroy my marriage and that telling BH would do just that. I recognized it as an attempt to keep things in the shadows, and to cling to what we had, but I didn't want that anymore.

He's chosen to not tell his BW. Says he knows it will end in divorce and devastation.

I really don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, and the stance I've taken thus far is that if he wants to do it that way, it's up to him, his life is not my concern any longer.

I even sent him links to info from SI, but who knows if he will change his mind or stick to his plan of never telling her.

He's depressed, though. She'll know something's wrong, but who knows how things will unfold for him and them.

My main focus now is where it should have been all along - on BH.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what my BH did, he called OM and told him that if he ever contacted me again, he will call his wife and tell her everything. (that and threatened his life, but that's another story)

He used this to hold over his head to make sure he didn't contact me again. He didn't.

Maybe your BH should do that.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38647 | Registered: Sep 2007
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what my BH did, he called OM and told him that if he ever contacted me again, he will call his wife and tell her everything. (that and threatened his life, but that's another story)
He used this to hold over his head to make sure he didn't contact me again. He didn't.

Maybe your BH should do that.

I'll offer it to BH when we discuss it tonight. He may want to send an email.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please note stop sign is now removed and this post is open to BS replies.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45266 | Registered: Sep 2006
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Metamorphisis!!

[This message edited by Macsecond at 3:33 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what my BH did, he called OM and told him that if he ever contacted me again, he will call his wife and tell her everything. (that and threatened his life, but that's another story)
He used this to hold over his head to make sure he didn't contact me again. He didn't.

Maybe your BH should do that.

I would think that OBS should be told regardless of OM attempting contact again. Telling OBS generally stops the contact anyway, but why use this as leverage? This is a real person's life - a person being horribly deceived.

My own opinion is letting OBS know should happen. Not should happen IF....


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 stop and think for a second here, you were arranging an event with friends in another thread without your BH. and here your AP is in town. don't know whether conscious or subconscious. but I think you have some serious evaluating to do. you may have scored points with your BH. But if I were you, I would not trust myself.
Exactly. The key is to slow down. I understand the urge to spazz the crap out since we're in damage control mode. But you need to do yourself a favor and learn to slowwwww down and think about each issue from all angles. See how it looks not only for you but your husband. Think about his feelings and how it looks to him. The more we slow down and move in a methodical way, the safer he will feel, and the more naturally aware you will become.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about his feelings and how it looks to him. The more we slow down and move in a methodical way, the safer he will feel, and the more naturally aware you will become.

Good advice. I think I'm thrown a bit because he's acting more "back to normal" that I tend to slip back into feeling like there's nothing wrong and we're back to normal again too, but we need to navigate our new normal. It's all still so new.

At the same time, I want to not err on the side of asking him before every move, he's already said to me he doesn't want that and doesn't like that. He appreciates where it's coming from, but I just feel like I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that means asking him now before acting, or trying to. Slipped on the plans with friends thing. :/


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Back to normal". I know what you're talking about. Thing is, he isn't normal. He is literally in shock. Have you ever been involved in a car accident or had a traumatic experience? When everything is moving in slow motion, your senses are heightened, and it doesn't seem real, it seems like it's a dream? That is precisely where your husband is at. He is in shock.

Hold on tight. The roller coaster will hit. Life won't even be remotely close to normal for 2 to 5 years. Even then, it won't be normal. It will be different.

One step at a time.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One step at a time.

Thank you. That's been my mantra.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j Painfulpast,

This is what my BH wanted to do. It gave him a feeling of control, and I certainly wasn't going to argue with that. It worked for him and that's what mattered at the time (and still matters). end t/j


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38647 | Registered: Sep 2007
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure this is entirely responsive to you but I've developed a sneaking suspicion this isn't his first rodeo. He had nothing to lose by aggressive tactics and had to ditch his wife and family to show up at your office.

Tell wife. Screw him. He lost his privileges with this stalking behavior making you feel endangered and endangering your job. Who was hat infamousmCanadian couple about 10
Years ago?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that it's important that any decision that is made regarding telling OM's wife should be discussed with your BH first and it needs to be something that HE is comfortable with.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38647 | Registered: Sep 2007
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that it's important that any decision that is made regarding telling OM's wife should be discussed with your BH first and it needs to be something that HE is comfortable with.

Totally. I leave it up to him.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 young kids
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC and MC, working on R.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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