Then, when I'd confront XH, let him know OW was expecting him and from that point forward, he was no longer welcome in my house.
The next day, I wish I'd of filed for D and had him served at work, in front of our friends & OW.
Wish I'd of gotten a screen shot of the gang-bang porn I found on his computer. The woman looked alot like OW; it may have been, still unsure. Had it been, I would have made sure that EVERYBODY that knows her would have their own copy.
I kick myself that I wasted 4 years waiting for this fucktard to stop being such a fucktard. Talk about fog ...
Like someone else said, I wish I would have waited and watched instead of going full force. I wonder how he would have responded to that?
I would have LOVED to catch him in the act. I imagine me and the kids knocking on the hotel door.
He was claiming to go away for "work weekends", it would have been fun to have an emergency come up while he was gone and have to have his work track him down.
I would have downloaded and saved all the photos and texts and emails to send to her BS, her mother, her father, etc. Yes, WH's emails could go out there too.
In my re-enactment of several of them I simply walk out and never go back. I realize this would have probably been the cleanest and best solution for everyone.
But I was convinced it was my fault - something I didn't do that I should have. So I tried to fix it - and we are still together.
He went over there in person to "break up" with them and say goodbye. I still don't know exactly what was said in the conversation, but the end result was that I got totally thrown under the bus by all three of them and was blamed and abused for "ruining his life", right at the most injured, vulnerable moment of my life. Some incredibly bad things happened as a direct result of that conversation, things that continue to undermine our reconciliation and hinder my healing a year out. The horrible way he did NC and the aftermath did almost as much damage to the marriage and to me psychologically as his affair did.
If I had to do it all again, I really would have liked to have found SI right away and learned how to do NC properly, with a factual, to-the-point letter.
[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]
"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony
2 Cor 12:9-10
Let's see. Not being the one to make the CC appointment.
Not deleting his gmail account off of my ipad.
Not picking up when he called me about our dead cat and then going over.
Not ignoring the signs he was still lying and cheating.
Not therefore having a month of insomnia and pain and anguish. Well, more than a month of anguish. But a month of insomnia.
But really....I wasn't ready to let go. The false R let me really see who he was. It was my trying to reconcile what I believed about him with what was true. It was just not in me to walk away from the love I thought we had. And I'm pretty okay with that, you know? It was true to me. I only lost two and a half months though, which surely colors my ability to be accepting of my choices.
In the end, what's past is past.
ETA: ok but I REALLY wish I had outed his relationship status ASAP to the woman he cheated on me with, who had no idea he lived with a GF! The scorched earth policy would have been the best despite what I said above
[This message edited by norabird at 1:00 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]
If an A happens again, I need to be ready and capable to just walk away. I cannot go through this a second time. It's like I'm perpetually training for a war that might never happen.
This summed it up perfectly. Thank you.
I was so naive, needy and pathetic that I conditioned myself to willful blindness when the clues of his infidelity were staring me in the face. I should have quietly collected plenty of evidence and ended the M (it appears that I am unable to be secretive). Eliminating him and his dysfunctions from my life would have been the healthiest action I could have taken.
I love my WH but nothing is worth the years of torment.
When the girls went to bed he wanted to talk to me about going back to London for a reunion in 8m time - a nice trip for both of us. I said: "I'm not sure we'll still be married by October. Come outside, I need to talk to you."
I begged him for an hour to confess. He denied and called me crazy. He acted angry, hurt, confused - but I knew. I was crying and yelling and begging. He kept denying - shouting over me. Then 'we just held hands', more pleading, 'we just kissed', 'I went to her room but nothing happened - 'I just gave her a back massage with her clothes on!'
I was chanting at this point and pleading on my knees with my hands together - bawling, hysterical: "PLEASE - if you ever had any kind of love for me - PLEASE SET ME FREE! I beg you. Please don't let me think I'm crazy. I know you're lying. Please, I beg you."
He fell to his knees with his hand over his mouth and in a voice I had never heard him use he said, simply: 'I slept with her. Oh my god. What have I done.'
I stopped chanting and started screaming this guttural sound. I think I called him some pretty nasty things then I said:
"You don't know it yet but you've just made the biggest mistake of your life. And I don't know it yet but you've just done me the biggest favour of my life."
I calmly told him we were over. I wasn't going to go crazy or fuck him over or keep the kids away from him or any of that. I was going to make this as easy as possible for him. He was bawling. I was as calm and as quiet as black ice. 'We are done. I need you to understand this. I am no longer your wife and you are no longer my husband. I have no claim to you nor you to me.'
Then I walked out and fell over on the street in front of my house. I fell over and threw up all down the street until I found a bench to sit on.
All of that I am very happy with. I didn't lose myself even when I was broken in half.
I wish I hadn't self destructed and gone on a rampage immediately after DD by sleeping with as many men as I could. It was an act of self harm - I wanted to hurt myself for a change. That, and some epic hoovering and suicide talk on his part, is how I found myself in False R 8w later - only for 3m thank fuck. I regret attempting R because this was absolutely a dealbreaker for me. That he lacked any real remorse just made that decision less difficult to accept. Less difficult - still agonising.
At Final S (5 mins past midnight on the 8th wedding anniversary) we were having an argument that was escalating so I went to leave the house for a little while to diffuse the situation. As I was walking out he grabbed my arm roughly and said 'If you walk out that door we are DONE. You hear me? DONE.'
I said: 'You promise?', shook his hand off my arm and walked out into the rain. It was the biggest and most agonising relief of my life. I felt cut in half but also unburdened. I can still feel it now just thinking about it - Strong But Broken.
[This message edited by SBB at 8:43 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
I wish I would have damaged his car in some way.
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA