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User Topic: Why don't all (WS) just leave?
Badnewseverybody
♀ New Member
Member # 44093
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure I understand why any of the WS's stay? If they've found new/better love or are no longer in love why not just break it off and move on instead of all the betrayal and anguish. Of course after being betrayed multiple times-why don't I?


Over 20 yrs together
BS 44
WS 43 addicted to chat and porn
EA & PA
WS had multiple PA and EA
Trying to figure out the day to day

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2014
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because they are selfish. Why give up a good stable relationship when you can keep something on the side? At the time, in their mind, it's a win-win. They probably think they'll never get caught. Just my opinion...


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is a simple calculation:
They don't think they will get caught, and if they do they are confident we are too weak to leave.

So they get their A and they don't have to change their lives completely.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They don't think they will get caught

This ^^^^
Why leave when they have the warm and fuzzies of a comfortable home plus have a little excitement on the side.
Theres also the financial part, either dependent on bs or if they are the main breadwinner they may not like to divvy up the $$, child support, alimony and such.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 8:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Selfishness and cowardice...this sums it up.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Dec 2013
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because staying is easy, keeps them supported financially, and allows them to keep a facade of being an upright, stable member of society.

It protects them from criticism, and from accountability to their extended family, jobs, church, social clubs, etc.

In my WWs case, she knew there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that her AP was going to take on her medical bills, her special-needs child, and maintain child and spousal support to his own family. He was a blue-collar steel worker in a non-union shop who made 8 bucks an hour (1985)


[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 537 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
HeBrokeVows
♀ Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine only left after getting caught. He would've lived a double life for years probably because it was better for him financially. I really believe that is the only reason why he stayed.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Apr 2014
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine left. I didn't find out the real reason why until 4 months later. The abandonment did not make any of it easier, believe me. There is no easier or less painful version of infidelity - it all sucks wide.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5297 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because they are not all cheating to end their marriages.

Many cheaters are risk taker types and don't think they will ever be caught. Mine didn't want me to find out so badly to the extent that he put up with being threatened and blackmailed by an OW wiith mental problems.

My fWH thought for sure I would demand D when I found out but I told him I wanted to give R a try because I still loved him, he loved me and he was extremely remorseful and went NC and transparent immediately on dDay. I don't feel I was weak to agree to R instead of D.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:05 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH never wanted to leave his family. That would have been too much work for him.

Luckily for him he had a married OW who was quite satisfied to engage in their fantasy world without pressuring him to leave.

Hell, she didn't want to give up the comforts of her home or her marriage either.

Had they both really considered leaving their spouses, they would have said........errr, Noooo.

She was the perfect mistress. No pressure.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because they are not all cheating to end their marriages.
Many cheaters are risk taker types and don't think they will ever be caught. Mine didn't want me to find out so badly to the extent that he put up with being threatened and blackmailed by an OW wiith mental problems.

My fWH thought for sure I would demand D when I found out but I told him I wanted to give R a try because I still loved him, he loved me and he was extremely remorseful and went NC and transparent immediately on dDay. I don't feel I was weak to agree to R instead of D.

This. Almost word for word. My H never wanted to leave at all. He has a history of making decisions that have high short-term benefits without considering the long-term cost until it is staring him in the face. He liked the attention. His OW kept him from being alone when we were apart (different work schedules plus his out of town work). For him, they were the whipped cream on top of dessert - a nice bonus but not really much on their own. Our family was the dessert, and, honestly, his priority almost all the time when we weren't physically separated (I can only think of one exception).


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jan 2013
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh did not leave because of the divorce laws in our state. 50% gtd. no questions asked by the judge and then whatever a killer lawyer can get in addition to that 50% ...

He has his moments so I'm good with limbo, but he didn't leave because of the money.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sunnydaysahead
♀ Member
Member # 43756
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with Musiclovingmom and whattheh..(.only the OW wasn't crazy. I guess she was content in her marriage, didn't
love my H, she just liked having quickie sex with him). Even though he had a LTA, My H says he never wanted to leave the marriage, never even thought about it.

I can understand all the reasons listed why WS's don't leave.

I struggle more with why BS's don't leave, myself included. We have been betrayed in the worst way possible by our selfish spouses, sometimes more than once and still many of us stick around. I never dreamed I would tolerate infidelity in my marriage. I always said if H ever dreamed of cheating, his shit would be in the street....(that didn't happen, we are working on R and I am cautiously optimistic).


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to the other reasons I.posted above, my ws knows his daughter's cannot stand ow or her brats. I told him on DD to move in with her. He said I would never do that. My girls are are pretty close with their dad and at times I think that's why he's still here. If he moved in with ow, he knows without doubt, it would ruin the R with his DD's. I suppose the plan was get rid of me after the kids are older than act like he recently hooked up with ow but I messed that up by busting his ass.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
LadyLove
♀ Member
Member # 40664
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often ask myself this question. Especially since WH TT'ed for 20 months.

Just last month I found out that MOW had left her husband and moved into an apartment on my WH's route to work. She was ready and waiting for my WH to leave me and move in with her. When he finally had the balls to tell her he wasn't leaving me, she sent me a FB message outing the A. Lucky for him he got home and told me about her before I saw her message. That was DDay - 21 months ago.

The fact that he continued to lie and minimize and omit for 20 months does make me wonder why he didn't just leave. Granted, he went NC on that very day I found out (as far as I know, anyway). But why stick around if you're just gonna bullshit your way through the next 2 years? The "I didn't want to hurt you/lose you" crap just doesn't fly with me.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2013
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are broken in the very core of their beings.. Anyone who will willingly violate their vows and promises aren't whole..

With mine he was broken enough to think that he was doing me a "favor" by satisfying desires he knew wouldn't fly with me outside of marriage. He actually thought it would make out marriage better and Id never find out anyway so it didn't really matter.

In his own twisted, broken way he thought he was doing the best for everyone involved. I don't understand and the more he looks into it the less he understands. Its something he is working through during IC and group therapy. One day hopefully he can figure it out


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most are arrogant enough that they believe they will never be caught. I would imagine most waywards don't cheat because they want out of their marriage. Most just think they won't get caught,and their marriage isn't even a consideration.

Selfishness. That's why they don't leave. And, IMO, that's the "why" for most WS's. Selfishness...and because they can.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7742 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
TheGarden
♀ Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that my WH viewed the OW primarily as an ego-kibble dispenser. He has said since DDay (and I believe him) that he never had any intention of leaving the marriage, was not in love with her, or anything like that. He was in it for the flattery and attention she provided. Like another poster said upthread, the affair was whipped cream on top of a dessert, not much by itself but a nice addition if you can get it. He thought he could continue to get his kibble secretly on the side while still maintaining the stability and structure that the rest of his life depended on (yeah, not so much...)

Interestingly, I once caught him in a lie in which he threw her under the bus so that he wouldn't look bad in front of me. And after the fog wore off (about 1.5 weeks in), he dumped her on her ass and never looked back. As much as he failed to consider my feelings during the affair, I don't think he considered hers much either. Although I don't feel any sympathy for her (you always reap what you sow as an OW), she got used. During the affair, he was in it for him, and the rest of us just didn't matter much.

In that kind of situation, why would a WS leave? They have a nice, faithful spouse at home keeping their life together, and an eager kibble-dispensing AP boosting their self-regard on the side. It's a great situation if they can get it. (Until it all implodes around them...)

[This message edited by TheGarden at 8:58 AM, July 14th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 18

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