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User Topic: Ask Amy - July 11 [Sigh]
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read Amy Dickinson's syndicated advice column for July 11 and thought that, for a professional, her response was clueless.

The writer was a woman who tried to look at her husband's phone and had it knocked out of her hand. Amy's response began:

>>Based on the evidence you present to justify your behavior (none), I think your husband has more reason to question your fidelity (i.e., trustworthiness) than you have to question his. <<

A text message was significant in the discovery of my own husband's EA, so perhaps I'm overreacting, but I don't really think so.......

http://tinyurl.com/on6jluf

(Or look for the July 11, Ask Amy column in newspapers. eg The Washington Post.)

[This message edited by Cally60 at 9:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2116 | Registered: Mar 2009
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm...Amy Dickinson whoever that is needs to get a clue. My response would have been..."get your hands on that phone and pronto!"

Sorry Amy, maybe I should be writing your column!


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those dang advice columnists contribute to the climate of blame-shifting and societal infidelity blindness, IMO. Generally useless, in other words.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw the column and shook my head. She'll get some responses from BS's


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw article. Had to read it twice. Couldn't believe her response. Yes, let's hope enough BS respond and teach HER about the facts of marriages.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my. I can't believe the advice and the responses.

Knocking the phone out of her hand isn't protecting his privacy - it is blatantly hiding a secret. Protecting his privacy would be talking about it. 'Hey, I'd rather you not look at my phone because there are things I don't want you to see.' - I did this when the sad clown asked why my FB password wasn't auto-filling on our shared PC. Of course it led to a bigger discussion - I was discussing issues in our M with a closed Mummy FB group that I wasn't ready to discuss with him just yet. It started that discussion. He didn't believe me so I showed him. He then looked at my PMs too. Interestingly it was THAT that helped verify my suspicions. I didn't have inappropriate male friends - he did. I didn't go out and get drunk with colleagues regularly - he did. He didn't use FB at all. Why did he think to look at the PMs?

His behaviour was not abnormal but yes, the suspicion did rouse my suspicion because of the things he was looking for and because we both knew I didn't have male friends. This tied into broader flags I was already seeing. This was several years before DD.

Notice there was no smacking of devices out of his hands. He had a right to look even if I didn't want him to. At the very least I would have seen it as a red flag that he wasn't feeling comfortable about something in our M just as I was.

Why is it that a right to 'privacy' outweighs a right to know if your spouse is exposing you to STDs, putting you in an open marriage without your knowledge and thereby making a choice for you without your consent? Even if you're wrong.

I'll never understand that - even if the party is innocent.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH here, I saw that and I wrote this with the permission of my wife.

Here is what I sent:

Dear Amy,

I read your column on the wife who grabbed her husbands cell phone and he batted it away.

That man could have been me. My wife grabbed my cell phone and I wrestled it away from her and hurt her wrist. Why did I do this? Because I was in the midst of a 2+ year relationship with another woman. My cell phone and Facebook were my major vehicles of communication between me and the other woman.

Amy, a man who has nothing to hide would not do that. Amy, your advice was wrong.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And her idea about privacy? I never looked at my husbands phone or computer before I suspected an affair. Turns out, I was right. Privacy issue? I think not. Privacy is gone forever.,,,
I felt badly about looking when I saw the first text. I should have demanded transparency right then and there..,,

[This message edited by rachelc at 11:26 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw that column, too, and had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

I usually like Amy, but her response was beyond clueless.

Sorrowfulmate, thank you so much for writing that excellent response! I hope Amy publishes it.

When your gut tells you something is wrong, it is imperative to investigate, because it is important to know the truth about the life you think you are living.

And cheaters have no right to privacy. They give that up the moment they cross the line (whether physical or emotional).


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 403 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope she publishes it too.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH here, I saw that and I wrote this with the permission of my wife.

Here is what I sent:

Dear Amy,

I read your column on the wife who grabbed her husbands cell phone and he batted it away.

That man could have been me. My wife grabbed my cell phone and I wrestled it away from her and hurt her wrist. Why did I do this? Because I was in the midst of a 2+ year relationship with another woman. My cell phone and Facebook were my major vehicles of communication between me and the other woman.

Amy, a man who has nothing to hide would not do that. Amy, your advice was wrong.

Wow, sorrowful mate, you really do get.

I agree. Amy's advice was ludicrous.

A person who has nothing to hide, hide's nothing.

Knocking the phone out of her hand, was major major red flag for infidelity.

Yes, it he was not cheating, he would have more likely discussed it with her, rather than risking breaking his phone.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1361 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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